Staying w MIL and wife work

[ChangeNameTiredAF]

DH mum is in our bubble, but lives a few hours away in a rural location. He’s worried she’s quite lonely and has proposed we go and stay with her for a couple of weeks with the children age 7 and 5. Kids delighted as they love her massive garden and dogs and are bored of same scenery every day at home.

DH would work while we are there, fine, but his hours are long and we wouldn’t see him from 7am-gone 8pm. My work is freelance and to and extent I can pick and choose my hours, so organising homeschooling inevitably falls on me. That works OK at home as I have p/t childcare which keeps things ticking over.

How will I get any work done at MIL’s? I ask him. He says: MIL can do homeschool for 3 days a week. But she is not IT literate and I know I’d be called to help every 5 minutes when someone can’t logon or someone doesn’t know where the assignment has been posted etc etc. And there would be the inevitable showing her how it all works, timetable and getting her used to it, which would take ages anyway.

Ok, he says, organise some p/t emergency childcare at MILs (our nanny can’t travel). Apparently that’s simple. Even IF we could find someone in a rural location at late notice happy to do the hours needed in middle of pandemic, organising said nanny inevitably would fall on me and there are always early teething troubles.

Fine, he says, just take some time off. I could, it’s not a big deal, but I have just taken the whole of half term off to spend some proper time with kids! No, we don’t need the income my work brings but I like my job and it’s important to me.

This is before we’ve even get to the fact that it’s ME who would have to pack up two weeks’ worth of homeschool books, laptops etc etc and clothes for the kids. Organise an online shop so they/we have all the food we need and everything else you need to think of when packing up your life for 2 weeks. Apparently none of this is ‘that hard’ to sort. Like fuck it isn’t!!

everything ticks along nicely at home with this arrangement with me doing to bulk of the childcare/school stuff, when I am not working, and organising the nanny when I am, but AIBU in thinking this level of wife work is taking the piss?

This is how women end up earning less and having smaller pensions than men.

Personally, I would wait until the Easter holidays which aren't really that far away. If DH is insistent that they go now, let him take the DC, pack for them, arrange food deliveries, get his mum up to speed with home schooling. You stay at home and work. Maybe go up for the second week. You really don't have to all be joined at the hip.

@Thelnebriati

This is how women end up earning less and having smaller pensions than men.

Yes, exactly.

Let him take some holiday and take them himself, you would get a break at home away from it all too, win/win.

Write up a list of things that need to be done in order to pull it off.

Divide it equally between you and DH. Speak to MIL one day a week the kids learn life skills from nana while mummy works.

Well obviously he can sort everything and take the kids there himself, not your issue. Enjoy your free time and house 🥂

Does your mil event want to home school the kids for 2 weeks, sounds like hes delegating 'wife work' to two women.

Of course don’t write little lists or anything, he thinks it’s a good idea, so he can do it. You’ll be at home, working. Surely he’s not that much of a failure that he’d need lists anyway. Win/win!

I would not bother doing any schooling whilst you are away, let's the kids have a break and enjoy seeing their Nana.

Just stay home and let him crack on with it.

What is the wifi like at MIL house? I would want hard evidence it is fast and solid enough to take 4 of you on simultaneous zoom calls before I would even entertain the idea. Ask DH how he is going to ascertain that?

OP.
Have you not worked it out,
Your husband thinks your job is a hobby and isn’t important- what you love isn’t important, and that even though things tick along at home because you’ve made it so. That should be the norm in EVERY SITUATION

" He’s worried she’s quite lonely"

"DH would work while we are there, fine, but his hours are long and we wouldn’t see him from 7am-gone 8pm."
Well he's not that worried about her being lonely, since he's not planning on spending time with her himself - just serving up you and the children to her to alleviate his guilt, and tough shit if it screws with you and the children's needs, he's all right Jack!

"I’m not trying to be a killjoy and it’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s just that like others have said, it could probably wait till the Easter holidays. I have suggested that but DH is like ‘why wait, we can go now?’"
'Because it fucks over my needs and the children's needs, you selfish fucker.' would be my go-to answer to that. If he really wants to go now, then he takes time off work, handles the homeschooling and spends time with his mum. Otherwise, he waits until Easter.

Seriously, stand firm and tell him in words of one syllable that he's being a pillock. He doesn't get to mess up other people's lives just because he wants his mummy to think he's being a very good boy.

And as @FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken pointed out -
"He cant have it both ways. If it's a pain to sort then he should be not creating you extra work without doing his share. And if it's easy to sort well then he can do it in his lunch break can't he"

The children will most probably have been back in school before the Easter holidays so that will not be a good time to visit an elderly person.
I agree with a lot of posters who say DH needs to be in charge of the homeschooling set up and do his fair share of organising the trip. Perhaps just concentrate on literacy and maths? I'd be considering having a grocery delivery to MIL's. I'm sure you'll all enjoy the trip away if everyone compromises.

It's so easy to wave a magic wand and be the Awesome King while all the womenfolk make it happen.

Dammit I want a surrendered wife. Can women have them?

He can take them, and you can concentrate on your work at home for a week. It won’t be hard for him as it’s easy.
I try very hard not to do things my husband doesn’t value and appreciate. Anything he thinks is easy and I don’t falls squarely into this bucket, as why would he value my effort if he doesn’t acknowledge it happened? So I ask him to do things so he knows they are a thing. That bag on the bench over there- dh it needs emptying and everything putting away. Not we get a clean bench by magic.

Honestly OP you need to be a bit more assertive. Sorry DH but unless you step up and do half days to help support whilst we're away then no, as the only person adversely affected is me

@timeisnotaline

He can take them, and you can concentrate on your work at home for a week. It won’t be hard for him as it’s easy. I try very hard not to do things my husband doesn’t value and appreciate. Anything he thinks is easy and I don’t falls squarely into this bucket, as why would he value my effort if he doesn’t acknowledge it happened? So I ask him to do things so he knows they are a thing. That bag on the bench over there- dh it needs emptying and everything putting away. Not we get a clean bench by magic.

DH and I joke about doing housework in front of each other or 'it didn't happen'. Neither of us do invisible work!

If you both need fast WiFi to do your work and for the kids’ live lessons you need to be sure it will work.

Does it need to be 2 weeks? Could you travel on a Friday after school and come back on Sunday evening after so you have 9 days with her. DH would have 2 weekends off and could take an extra days leave mid week to cover home schooling and you cover 2 days homeschooling, the kids could just do things with Gran on the other 2 days. Of course it would have been easier if he’d sorted it all out over February half term.

What happens if schools go back whilst you are away?

@ineedaholidaynow

What happens if schools go back whilst you are away?

Actually, this is a very realistic possibility, especially for the 5 year old. Fully expect Early Years to go back on the 8th of March.

2 weeks? Fuuuck. Send him on his own or go for a few days at Easter.

DH takes kids and promises to deal with MIL and constant IT demands 🤣. You stay home to work and look after doggies. 🥂🍸🥂. If schools go back, he had to bring everyone and all accoutrements home.

@ChangeNameTiredAF

Not going to work having her here. Dogs would have to come too. Not really feasible.

My children have a full day online, about 70 per cent live teaching. Maybe I’m being uptight but I don’t want them to miss it. Last lockdown the teaching was nearly non existent so they’ve missed a lot already (school possibly overcompensating now). But it’s not just that- the teaching is good, engaging, they enjoy it, love seeing their teachers and the routine seems to be helping them.

MIL is more than happy to help, she’s told me as much herself. Keen to do the homeschooling but nervous about the tech side of it.

I’m not trying to be a killjoy and it’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s just that like others have said, it could probably wait till the Easter holidays. I have suggested that but DH is like ‘why wait, we can go now?’

Just tell him that you're happy to go as long as he takes responsibility for making all of the arrangements so that it doesn't negatively impact on your work or the children's schooling. He can take AL or whatever he needs.

But it's not reasonable to expect you to do all of the work to facilitate his idea.

He should have thought of this before half term, really. As it is, it looks like the most sensible compromise is to wait for the Easter holidays.

"Great idea DH. The kids can go for 2 weeks. You organise everything and go ahead with the children the first week and show MIL how it all works and I'll get lots of work done at home, then I'll join you for the second week"