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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM angry that she can’t have dd over

61 replies

HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 22:45

My DM wanted to drop a birthday gift for teen dd. We live an hour away but dd goes to her dad's EOW so I told her dd was there this weekend, thinking she could drop a gift at the door.

DM actually wants dd to come over for sandwiches and cake to her house, along with several other family members. I’ve said no as we don’t want her attending a party during lockdown. Dd sees an NHS therapist and also has to go to school as she is vulnerable. It wouldn’t be right to put other people at risk.

She’s now accusing me of making excuses and has said that I’m trying to keep dd away from her. I’ve suggested she speaks to dd’s dad as I don’t have her this weekend.

She’s now messaging repeatedly ‘why are you doing this to me’ and accusing me of keeping dd away from her. She’s video called me three times, messaged on WhatsApp and Facebook messaged and is repeatedly phoning. This is a patten of behaviour she engages in if I don’t do exactly what she says. I don’t want to answer as she’ll rant and rave - she has dd’s number and she has her dad’s number if she wants to arrange to drop off the gift and wave at her and say a quick hi from outside the door (which is bending the rules as it is - but fine).

I’m just really sick of the drama. I don’t want dd to go to a party during a pandemic and I’m tired of my dm trying to manipulate me into doing what she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 22:45

Just to clarify dd’s dad lives near DM- which is why I initially agreed she could drop the gift there.

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 19/02/2021 22:47

She's in the wrong. She's asking for something which is both illegal and bloody irresponsible, and she's using emotional blackmail to try to get her own way.

Is she always this selfish and childish? Or is this untypical behaviour? Is she particularly struggling with the lockdown?

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 22:49

No she’s always this selfish and childish. I don’t know why I’m surprised. She will ramp up the behaviour the more I ignore it. In the past she’s turned up at my door demanding to be let in.

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Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 22:49

She thinks rules don’t apply to her and I’m fairly sure she’s ignored lockdown most of the way through.

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Northofsomewhere · 19/02/2021 22:52

YANBU, you've told her the situation and what the plans are for the weekend and that the weekend isn't even in your control anyway. In this situation I'd send one reply, something along the line of "I've told you the plans for the weekend and so won't be answering until you calm down". She's clearly lost control tonight and it having a small crisis over it but it's no reason for it to ruin your night and weekend.

If she was this controlling and pushy I'd be limiting contact in general and taking back control of it. She sees your daughter when your daughter wants to see her and I'd be making it clear to daughter she doesn't have to see her if she doesn't want to. I'd also talk to daughter about controlling behaviour and guilt tripping and that you don't have to give in to it, it would work in this situation and others she might find herself in.

The lockdown rules work as a reason to take control now (not that you need one) but I'd be putting plans in for future special events now.

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2021 22:52

Stop responding to her. She can’t ramp up the drama if you ignore her. Just ensure your ex is on the same page as you re no party. That’s so mad! High tea during a pandemic, what the fuck is she thinking??

sadpapercourtesan · 19/02/2021 22:52

Grey rock then, at the very least. She can be selfish and childish is she wants to, she can take stupid illegal risks with her own health and anyone else who is happy to be complicit. That doesn't have to involve you or your DD, you don't have to explain it to her and if her behaviour escalates - starve her of oxygen. Ignore.

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 22:56

Dd is vulnerable (not physically) but is under CAMHS at the moment and she is susceptible to manipulation- so I’ll have to give her dad a heads up.

DM always behaves like this when she doesn’t get her way and every time it upsets me - I need to grey rock. She invited dd for a takeaway last week, so she does just think she can do whatever she likes.

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Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 22:58

I used the pandemic as a reason to have a tiny wedding - just me, DH, kids and two witnesses, because I knew she would create some drama if she was there. She guilt tripped me horribly after it, but this sort of thing reminds me why I made that decision.

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Weenurse · 19/02/2021 23:01

Congratulations on your wedding 🎉

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 23:01

Thank youSmile

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IsThisNews · 19/02/2021 23:28

"I'm not going to keep having the same conversation with you. You've asked, I've answered. Let's talk about something else." Repeat as needed.

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 07:19

She has switched to ranting because she has discovered I’ve put her on restricted profile on Facebook. She has 2000 friends and I had to speak to her about not posting about my dd’s mental health issues in a group she belongs to (she was trying to garner sympathy and it was a long, I am a victim type post) as both dd and I could see the post!

She immediately messaged as she was watching some of my videos and taking screenshots apparently?! When suddenly the video disappeared. Which does not make me want to re add her. I think she shares my personal information with her network of ‘friends.’

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Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 07:20

She won’t listen to reason. I’ve still not messaged back. The whole thing makes me feel so tense.

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moita · 20/02/2021 07:57

My MIL suggested her and her husband come over for a takeaway last week for DH's birthday. She's fine confident to go out now she has the jab.

We are both refusing to discuss it.

Your mum sounds incredibly draining.

We said no and she was pissed off but we're refusing to discuss it.

Mindymomo · 20/02/2021 08:09

Has she got £10,000 for breaking lockdown rules. I would text back, sorry too busy to discuss and don’t respond anymore. Sorry you are having a bad time at the moment.

Caramelwhispers · 20/02/2021 08:16

Can you divert her voice messages straight to answer phone? My phone has this option which is handy because blocking one particular person would be too much drama. This is a good way of managing the drama llamas in your life.

Also, mute WhatsApp/ text notifications on your phone from your mum. Read them when you're ready or not at all.

Caramelwhispers · 20/02/2021 08:18

covid-19 socialising rules

ooohbriefcase · 20/02/2021 08:22

Even without lockdown.....what part of she's. At. Her. Dads. Does she not understand.
Why does she think she's entitled to take your dad dads weekend to suit her wants? I know you said she's selfish but have you called her out on this as well? I hope your ex is on the same page, she sounds like a pain in the ass.

ooohbriefcase · 20/02/2021 08:23

*DD's dad, not your dads dad Confused

SuperSleepyBaby · 20/02/2021 08:25

She sounds like my mum who I think has borderline personality disorder.

I used to engage with the drama as she would upset me - but i have learnt to ignore any attempts at emotional manipulation. I reply once when she is being unreasonable with a calm answer and then that is it - no more engagement on that matter,

PurpleMustang · 20/02/2021 08:32

Wow she sounds exhausting. Congrats on the wedding. Think you can only do as you have and speak to DD's Dad and if needed DD to ensure you are all on the same page. And as someone else said even if it was allowed she is being selfish wanting a chunk of DD's birthday time with her Dad. Good luck

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 08:52

Bonus in that she’s now deleted me from Facebook, so problem solved there. She is exhausting.

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Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 08:54

I think dd’s dad is probably doing something with dd himself, as he only sees her eow. He offered to pick the gift up Sunday but that wasn’t convenient for DM who then had a drop. I have two other dc as well but DM isn’t interested in them at all.

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Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 09:01

Had a strop that should have said.

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