DM angry that she can’t have dd over

[HamnetandJudith]

My DM wanted to drop a birthday gift for teen dd. We live an hour away but dd goes to her dad's EOW so I told her dd was there this weekend, thinking she could drop a gift at the door.

DM actually wants dd to come over for sandwiches and cake to her house, along with several other family members. I’ve said no as we don’t want her attending a party during lockdown. Dd sees an NHS therapist and also has to go to school as she is vulnerable. It wouldn’t be right to put other people at risk.

She’s now accusing me of making excuses and has said that I’m trying to keep dd away from her. I’ve suggested she speaks to dd’s dad as I don’t have her this weekend.

She’s now messaging repeatedly ‘why are you doing this to me’ and accusing me of keeping dd away from her. She’s video called me three times, messaged on WhatsApp and Facebook messaged and is repeatedly phoning. This is a patten of behaviour she engages in if I don’t do exactly what she says. I don’t want to answer as she’ll rant and rave - she has dd’s number and she has her dad’s number if she wants to arrange to drop off the gift and wave at her and say a quick hi from outside the door (which is bending the rules as it is - but fine).

I’m just really sick of the drama. I don’t want dd to go to a party during a pandemic and I’m tired of my dm trying to manipulate me into doing what she wants.

Is this your mother or your ex’s mother?

I think it would be in you and your dd's interests if you go no contact with her.

No this is my mother.

She sounds toxic, I would be going very low contact and eventually no contact!

I’m glad with the support I’ve had here. I had to block my brother because when I had my wedding she found out and he sent abusive messages saying I had really hurt mum and I was an evil person and it was my fault my dd was self harming. I questioned myself for a long time, but I couldn’t trust her to be there. I haven’t spoken to him since, because what he said was despicable.

To an outsider it is obvious what I need to do. I do limit dd’s time with her - she was never alone with her, even before the pandemic. But when DM goes too far she then manipulates me again, saying how she hopes none of her dc ever abandon her and she starts being nice. I find it confusing.

@HamnetandJudith

I’m glad with the support I’ve had here. I had to block my brother because when I had my wedding she found out and he sent abusive messages saying I had really hurt mum and I was an evil person and it was my fault my dd was self harming. I questioned myself for a long time, but I couldn’t trust her to be there. I haven’t spoken to him since, because what he said was despicable.

To an outsider it is obvious what I need to do. I do limit dd’s time with her - she was never alone with her, even before the pandemic. But when DM goes too far she then manipulates me again, saying how she hopes none of her dc ever abandon her and she starts being nice. I find it confusing.

She's a classic abuser and that's why they do it - the confusion is what stops you leaving them for good. I hope you manage to distance yourselves from her toxicity.

Thank you. My auntie made me laugh saying I’ll still be struggling with this in 20 years when DM is in the nursing home. I need to step in to protect dd.

Simple answer. One more request like this and you go NC with her for a period of time and even post Covid restrictions your DD will not visit. Let her know and stick to it 100%. In other words not a threat but an undertaking.

But when DM goes too far she then manipulates me again, saying how she hopes none of her dc ever abandon her and she starts being nice. I find it confusing.

Classic behaviour. It's intended to leave you confused and to stop you cutting contact. If she was awful all the time you wouldn't hesitate to cut her off and people like her know it. So when she knows she's gone too far and you might actually do it she has to change tack so that you don't leave her, leaving her to start her behaviour all over again when she's reeled you back in. She isn't being nice because she feels like being nice, it's all part of her plot.

She isn't going to change, so for your own sanity and your DC's protection, you need to rein right back on contact. Block her number and don't feel guilty. She doesn't feel guilty about the games she's putting you through.

I know. I took a massive step not inviting her to my wedding and I felt so much guilt after that. I do know. It’s so hard when it’s your mum and you want to see the best in them. This is just one line in a litany of incidents. A lot of the extended family are not in touch with her.

You can love someone without liking them. You obviously still have an attachment to your mum - whether it's love I don't know. but she's the mum she is, not the mum society has deemed she should be. Women don't come off a production line, and they're not all the selfless adoring mothers they're often portrayed as.

Perhaps you need to come to terms with that. In a way it's a kind of bereavement, acknowledging that the relationship you wanted isn't going to happen. Then deciding what relationship you are going to have, in the same objective way you would with any other adult where you would take them for what they are and decide accordingly. What are the terms going to be, where will the boundaries be set?

And first try to let go of the guilt. She is who she is. If she behaves badly that isn't excusable just because she's your mum. You don't have to put up with more than you would from someone unrelated - and you wouldn't feel guilty for backing off that person.