Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM angry that she can’t have dd over

61 replies

HamnetandJudith · 19/02/2021 22:45

My DM wanted to drop a birthday gift for teen dd. We live an hour away but dd goes to her dad's EOW so I told her dd was there this weekend, thinking she could drop a gift at the door.

DM actually wants dd to come over for sandwiches and cake to her house, along with several other family members. I’ve said no as we don’t want her attending a party during lockdown. Dd sees an NHS therapist and also has to go to school as she is vulnerable. It wouldn’t be right to put other people at risk.

She’s now accusing me of making excuses and has said that I’m trying to keep dd away from her. I’ve suggested she speaks to dd’s dad as I don’t have her this weekend.

She’s now messaging repeatedly ‘why are you doing this to me’ and accusing me of keeping dd away from her. She’s video called me three times, messaged on WhatsApp and Facebook messaged and is repeatedly phoning. This is a patten of behaviour she engages in if I don’t do exactly what she says. I don’t want to answer as she’ll rant and rave - she has dd’s number and she has her dad’s number if she wants to arrange to drop off the gift and wave at her and say a quick hi from outside the door (which is bending the rules as it is - but fine).

I’m just really sick of the drama. I don’t want dd to go to a party during a pandemic and I’m tired of my dm trying to manipulate me into doing what she wants.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 20/02/2021 09:12

She sounds like a nightmare op! Grey rock all the way!

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 09:19

I’ve just looked up how to grey rock and that sounds perfect. I’m under no obligation to explain or justify anything to her.

I did tell her dd was at her dad’s this weekend if she wanted to see her, as I knew she had a birthday gift. I’m now thinking I should have phrased that better - to me it was obvious that I meant to drop the gift off and say hi from outside - but DM thought I meant host a birthday party?!

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 20/02/2021 09:26

What a nightmare. Re the personal information thing, exact same happened here. Personal and embarrassing information told to neighbours and medical information told to anyone who would listen in the street for sympathy. My solution was I just stopped sharing anything I wasn’t happy for the world to know with her. You set the boundaries and just need to be firm about them, you are in the right about the party, not sure what she is thinking.

gamerchick · 20/02/2021 09:26

Now that she's deleted you from Facebook. It's your turn to block her completely.

I feel for you OP, it's shit when you have a parent that pulls this crap. You have to totally retrain yourself on what you're prepared to put up with.

MsVestibule · 20/02/2021 09:28

Is it possible that your mum will contact your daughter directly to put pressure on her to persuade her dad to allow a party?

She sounds like an absolute nightmare mother. Are you and your ex are on the same page with this issue, i.e. will he refuse a party?

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 09:38

It is possible she will contact dd directly- in fact I would say that’s likely. I will let my ex know. Dd is possibly autistic and was self harming before CAMHS intervention. She’s doing much better now but her recovery is fragile and I really don’t want anything to upset her equilibrium at the moment. DM posted on Facebook that dd was bulimic (she isn’t!) and had tried to kill herself because of lockdown, that she was lonely and had no friends.... Again not true. She posted this on a Covid conspiracist’s page - so I think she’s something of a Covid denier. She’s had my 86 year old grandmother in her home socialising with other family members, so she doesn’t give a fig about lockdown.

Dd had self harmed but possibly because of her autism and not because of lockdown. I was so horrified when I saw the post and asked dm to take it down. She claimed she couldn’t find it, but the post then disappeared mysteriously Hmm

She then started posting about my brother and his gf losing their baby (she was in early pregnancy and sadly miscarried). Again this was all for the sympathy vote from her adoring public. I didn’t fee comfortable having her on my Facebook unrestricted at that point.

OP posts:
SuperSleepyBaby · 20/02/2021 09:46

Tell her nothing! That is what i do with my mum - become very boring and then there is nothing for her to feed off. With my mum now the topics of conversation are the weather or the news etc - nothing personal about me. Before there was endless drama and over involvement - now I have some peace.

Don’t emotionally engage - Just let it wash over you.

Purplerayhan · 20/02/2021 09:56

OP, you'll get a lot of understanding and support on the stately homes thread on relationships board

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 10:37

I will take a look at the stately homes thread.

She’s just left a voicemail from a different number saying how devastated she is that I ‘blocked’ her on Facebook. I didn’t block - I restricted her. She’s deleted me now, so problem solved there.

OP posts:
RubyTuesdayBlues1 · 20/02/2021 11:18

That sounds exhausting - it's bad enough if a parent can't help in a difficult situation but its awful when they're actually making it worse. Could you block her from contacting your daughter direct until things have calmed down?

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 11:30

Dd is 15 and has her own phone, so I can’t really ban dd from speaking to her. I like to let dd make those sorts of choices herself - but it’s a difficult one.

OP posts:
Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 12:58

She messaged dd, but dd sent me the message. Again blaming me that she can’t have her party!

DM angry that she can’t have dd over
OP posts:
ooohbriefcase · 20/02/2021 13:30

Why isn't your mother interested in your other children? How old are they?

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 20/02/2021 14:03

I think its really good of you to let your daughter make her own choices but with her being in a vulnerable place I would consider really monitoring /cutting down the contact between them. The last thing a vulnerable teen needs is a manipulative grandparent.

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 14:47

The other dc are 13 and 11. My ds, 11, isn’t v interested in her and dd13 sees right through her and can’t be manipulated. So she isn’t bothered about them and focuses on vulnerable eldest dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 14:55

I’m not sure how you stop a 15 year old messaging a relative. We do live an hour away and she’s in school Monday, so hopefully her influence will lessen.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 20/02/2021 14:55

Agree that your mother really shouldn't have unrestricted access to your DD. If she's fragile and under CAMHS the amount of damage your mother could potentially do is enormous. Don't leave your DD to make those judgments alone. And bonus if you piss your mother off enough regarding contact with DD she might cut you off completely! 😉

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2021 14:56

Having seen that post to your DD, your DM sounds unhinged. You are not the reason why the party can't happen, Covid is, or the Government is but Mum is not the reason.
Perhaps it might be time to have a chat with your DD when she gets home and give her some coping mechanisms so that when her Nana sends messages to her like that (as in putting the blame at your doorstep) she can recognise this isn't true and that you're only following the rules in lockdown. Or you could get your ex to say it's not on that she is sending messages like that to her, turning mother against grandmother and trying to make her granddaughter feel somehow guilty in all of this. Not on at all.

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 14:59

I think it would be good to chat with dd when she’s home about it. She seemed ok about it when I spoke to her, but it is a worry with her being so fragile at the moment.

OP posts:
MyLittleOrangutan · 20/02/2021 16:39

I think you should be dealing with it more head on rather than diverting her to your ex and your daughter who's already in therapy. Why would you let her direct that passive aggression and pressure towards your daughter?

billy1966 · 20/02/2021 16:43

@CraftyYankee

Agree that your mother really shouldn't have unrestricted access to your DD. If she's fragile and under CAMHS the amount of damage your mother could potentially do is enormous. Don't leave your DD to make those judgments alone. And bonus if you piss your mother off enough regarding contact with DD she might cut you off completely! 😉
Your daughter and her private medical information needs to be protected from your awful mother.
Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 17:05

I will be making sure that dd’s medical information is kept from her, don’t worry I’ve learned a lesson there.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/02/2021 17:46

I would very rarely say this but after she posted that about your DD on FB I think you had absolute justification to go no contact or vvv low contact. She sounds incredibly poisonous.

Original poster
HamnetandJudith · 20/02/2021 17:48

She didn’t name dd, but just said ‘A girl I know...’ and then put identifying information about me and dd that dd would have recognised had she seen it.

OP posts:
Joeblack066 · 20/02/2021 18:15

My late ex MIL used to do this when DDs mental health was so bad she couldn’t leave her room. MiL would scream down the phone at me. Other family members would ring up and do the same. Stay strong. You know you’ve done nothing wrong x

Swipe left for the next trending thread