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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being U/over sensitive or is my husband just a dick?!

66 replies

Annoy · 19/02/2021 18:29

I feel like a lot of the time when I talk to my DH he swings it round to me nagging or moaning. It properly pisses me off sometimes.

An example this evening is me cooking dinner using tofu. I flippantly comment to him, in a conversation way that I actually hate cooking tofu as it just falls apart and no amount of being gentle ever stops it from just turning to mush. His response, which is a typical response, is to disagree with me.

He does this all the fucking time.

Then I will respond again in a conversational way with ‘well I can never do it’ and he’ll tell me to stop moaning!

It’s like he can’t read me, but everything I say is a moan or a nag. When it’s not!! It’s just making conversation!!

He has a real habit of talking about himself ALOT! Work, hobbies, interests etc. He’s been in a mew job for 3 months and I know everything about it, what he does day by day/hour by hour, and the people he works with... their names, what their role is etc. I’ve been in my job for 18 months and he knows very little pf the details and my daily goings on.

I do feel that when we talk, in any context, the convo always swings around to him in some way! And I just get accused of moaning, or not doing something right.

OP posts:
SJaneS49 · 19/02/2021 19:05

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

I think I’d personally address it head on and say something like ‘Do you actually like me..because at times it really comes across that you don’t in the way you speak to me. I really don’t like it. It makes me feel put down and I deserve better than that’.

I’m not sure that this is the best or correct way to deal with it.. I just know I’d make it bloody clear that I really wasn’t up for being made out to be a miserable git on a pretty constant basis!

To flip things over from the whether he likes you question, do you actually like him? I know we can all find our OH’s incredibly annoying some of the time. Reading the above you don’t sound a 100% sold but I appreciate you are hacked off with him right now!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2021 19:06

He sounds like an insufferable bore. How can you stand it?

HTH1 · 19/02/2021 19:38

I voted YANBU as he sounds really self-obsessed -but YABU unreasonable for cooking tofu-

HTH1 · 19/02/2021 19:39

—strikethrough fail—

Justmuddlingalong · 19/02/2021 19:44

Leave him to yap on incessantly, without reacting or joining in the conversations. Leave the room mid sentence if you must. He sounds like a self centered bore. And in future get him to cook the tofu.

Original poster
Annoy · 19/02/2021 19:46

He’s always been pretty self obsessed. When he gets in to stuff it’s all we hear about! Such as hobbies or lifestyles.

He has one of those addictive personalities.

We’ve been together for 17yrs and we do still love and like each other. I just feel that he doesn’t really listen to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 19/02/2021 19:47

@Justmuddlingalong

Leave him to yap on incessantly, without reacting or joining in the conversations. Leave the room mid sentence if you must. He sounds like a self centered bore. And in future get him to cook the tofu.
I do this a lot!! He’s got worse as he’s got older too. Is it a middle aged man thing?
OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 19/02/2021 19:48

I did wonder if the tofu would come up in comments 🙈 I hate cooking it! Rarely do tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annoy · 19/02/2021 19:49

I just don’t feel like he’s interested in what I do/say.

He can be pretty opinionated about a lot of things. Not just me, but everything around him.

It is boring. But it’s not a deal breaker

OP posts:
Gliblet · 19/02/2021 19:50

Has he always been like this? Or is it something you've noticed more with social isolation and more forced proximity?

It doesn't sound to me like he's actually interested in a conversation (or perhaps doesn't understand how they work), he's just on 'transmit'.

Do you feel like he's interested in anything you have to say? Does he seek out your opinion or companionship, or just talk at you?

partyatthepalace · 19/02/2021 19:52

Presumably he wasn’t always as bad as this? Can you explain nicely that he is going to get hot crumbly tofu in his pants 😮if he doesn’t rediscover the lost art of conversation?

SJaneS49 · 19/02/2021 19:57

Not a bad idea @partyatthepalace!

Concestor · 19/02/2021 20:01

He sounds like a dick and I'd have a conversation with him about it

Re the tofu, get Tofoo brand smoked tofu. It never falls apart and doesn't need pressing either. I love tofu.

iklboo · 19/02/2021 20:06

Look him square in the eye and say (in a post office queue machine voice) 'interested face number 386'

Original poster
Annoy · 19/02/2021 20:08

@Gliblet

Has he always been like this? Or is it something you've noticed more with social isolation and more forced proximity?

It doesn't sound to me like he's actually interested in a conversation (or perhaps doesn't understand how they work), he's just on 'transmit'.

Do you feel like he's interested in anything you have to say? Does he seek out your opinion or companionship, or just talk at you?

Yeah he has. But I think it’s getting worse.

All conversations just seem to be on his terms. He will of course listen to me when I talk, but it often swings back round to his experiences.

Such as if I say work was tough today, instead of being interested in why, he will jist say so was mine and then either go on about why it was. Or just dismiss me like I’m moaning

OP posts:
SplendidSuns1000 · 19/02/2021 20:09

No advice other than LTB and next time go for a firm or extra firm tofu, don't go for silken.

I hope that frying pan's heavy enough to do some damage.

MajesticWhine · 19/02/2021 20:11

He sounds like an insufferable PITA. Tell him to cook the fucking tofu himself and shut about his boring job. (sorry I might be projecting my own situation just a tiny bit)

Original poster
Annoy · 19/02/2021 20:18

I’m not going to leave him. It’s tolerable and I do often just walk off. Or zone out.
I just feel like he’s not there for day to day emotional support. If I make him away or it then he just say ‘well what do you want to talk about then?’ But that’s too forced and I’m put on the spot as my issue isn’t around a specific topic I want to talk about. But conversation in general.

OP posts:
Gliblet · 19/02/2021 20:21

He needs recalibration. You can do it gently - "I hadn't finished yet. I'd love to hear about your day but I'd also hope you'd listen to me as much as you like to be listened to".

You can mirror - use his words and conversation patterns back to him. That will only work though if he has the emotional intelligence to realise that that's what you're doing, otherwise you'll just end up in a nasty repeating pattern.

Or you can pick up a book, switch on the TV or simply stand up and leave the room every time he does it. Every time. If he complains you remind him that a conversation goes both ways and if he wants to be listened to, then he in turn needs to listen. Good rule of thumb is you have 2 ears and 1 mouth, use them in proportion Wink

artlee · 19/02/2021 20:21

I have a similar DH. Every statement/question is met with a teenager-esque "OKAAY" Wish I'd left when I had the chance.
Never asks a question back, even simple ones like, "how was your day?" Very self involved in everything. Tiresome feeling like they don't actually care.
I'd try and talk to him about it, since you still love/like each other. Let him know how it makes you feel.

Nooch · 19/02/2021 20:25

It’s impossible to say without being there. If it’s upsetting you I would talk about it when you feel calm.

I know it’s not the point, but you need to press your tofu! It shouldn’t crumble when you’re cooking it and is probably a sign it’s not been pressed for long enough.

Original poster
Annoy · 19/02/2021 20:25

@Gliblet

He needs recalibration. You can do it gently - "I hadn't finished yet. I'd love to hear about your day but I'd also hope you'd listen to me as much as you like to be listened to".

You can mirror - use his words and conversation patterns back to him. That will only work though if he has the emotional intelligence to realise that that's what you're doing, otherwise you'll just end up in a nasty repeating pattern.

Or you can pick up a book, switch on the TV or simply stand up and leave the room every time he does it. Every time. If he complains you remind him that a conversation goes both ways and if he wants to be listened to, then he in turn needs to listen. Good rule of thumb is you have 2 ears and 1 mouth, use them in proportion Wink

I’ll give this a go. Thanks.

I will try to chat to him, but he thinks he is emotionally available and I’m am too sensitive, so my attempts to talk to him about it will go down like a lead balloon.

He thinks I’m not emotionally available because I’m not very tactile, with both him and the dc. I’m not a hugger. I have to be reminded to hug them. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love them or love being with them. But sometimes I feel like he’s enforcing his way on me... that opinionated thinking again... why do it any other way that’s not the way he does it.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 19/02/2021 20:29

My DH used to be like that. He improved a lot when I started mirroring him. I just used the same phrases in the same situations in reverse - he got all insulted, because I was apparently very rude. He was pretty upset when I told him I'm just doing the same he does to me.
He started being more careful then.

Parvathi · 19/02/2021 20:30

Tofu is hard to cook unless you get the pieces already made from Holland and Barrett or Sainsburys. My daughter said about boiling the tofu first or something, better to check those korean or japanese recipes

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2021 20:34

You say you both still like each other. Really? Is that how you think you treat someone you like?

If you aren’t willing to make proper changes then it is what it is. Stick with him. Carry on being disrespected. Because you know he won’t change.

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