Am I being U/over sensitive or is my husband just a dick?!

[Annoy]

I feel like a lot of the time when I talk to my DH he swings it round to me nagging or moaning. It properly pisses me off sometimes.

An example this evening is me cooking dinner using tofu. I flippantly comment to him, in a conversation way that I actually hate cooking tofu as it just falls apart and no amount of being gentle ever stops it from just turning to mush. His response, which is a typical response, is to disagree with me.

He does this all the fucking time.

Then I will respond again in a conversational way with ‘well I can never do it’ and he’ll tell me to stop moaning!

It’s like he can’t read me, but everything I say is a moan or a nag. When it’s not!! It’s just making conversation!!

He has a real habit of talking about himself ALOT! Work, hobbies, interests etc. He’s been in a mew job for 3 months and I know everything about it, what he does day by day/hour by hour, and the people he works with... their names, what their role is etc. I’ve been in my job for 18 months and he knows very little pf the details and my daily goings on.

I do feel that when we talk, in any context, the convo always swings around to him in some way! And I just get accused of moaning, or not doing something right.

Or you can pick up a book, switch on the TV or simply stand up and leave the room every time he does it. Every time. If he complains you remind him that a conversation goes both ways and if he wants to be listened to, then he in turn needs to listen. Good rule of thumb is you have 2 ears and 1 mouth, use them in proportion wink

Really good advice. He’s got so used to doing this, it will get worse if you don’t pull him up on it.

@EerieSilence

My DH used to be like that. He improved a lot when I started mirroring him. I just used the same phrases in the same situations in reverse - he got all insulted, because I was apparently very rude. He was pretty upset when I told him I'm just doing the same he does to me. He started being more careful then.

Brilliant!

Did he acknowledge what he was doing?

@Wearywithteens

I always wonder who puts up with these pompous middle aged men who are full of their own self importance. Does it never occur to you, after all these years, to just tell him to stfu for once? Surely even the most timid, polite, Stepford wives have a breaking point? Or are they just utterly scared of these men?

I just couldn’t live being ear fucked by some man telling me I was ‘moaning’ whilst cooking his food. Fuck that shit. Stop putting him on a pedestal thinking his word is God.

I think it’s just anything for an easy life. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s not totally shit either.

I kind of escape from it through sport and friends. Dh and I enjoy doing things together, but it’s always more fun for me when I do it with a friend instead. I guess I can relax my thinking and my conversation without it being questioned.

@NoCherryNoDeal - he absolutely did. He wasn't intentionally rude, just stupidly inconsiderate and I made him see how wrong that was.
He's still not a pinnacle of empathy but he's much improved and considerate.

[quote EerieSilence]@NoCherryNoDeal - he absolutely did. He wasn't intentionally rude, just stupidly inconsiderate and I made him see how wrong that was.
He's still not a pinnacle of empathy but he's much improved and considerate.[/quote]
I don't think my dh is being intentionally mean or rude either.

I think he is also anything for an easy life too and shoots down any opportunity of me potentially having a moan. BUT I don’t consider myself a moaner or a nagger (hate that word!)

Not really what the thread is about, but you're using the wrong kind of tofu if you're using it for stir frying. Try something like Cauldron Vegan Organic Tofu as it retains its shape. The soft tofu is for deserts or egg substitutes for example, vegan scrambled eggs.

It doesn't sound as though he likes you very much OP.

Sounds like you're hugely incompatible! As though you've just got back from a terrible first date with someone you clashed with. Yet you're married! Bizarre

I'm not trying to be nasty and I actually know exactly the type of personality you mean - I can't stand people like that. It's just very strange that you have only just decided it's an issue between you.

Oh and I agree about tofu. I Also find that with the new recipe Quorn mince. Never freeze it! Or slow cook it. Turns it into a paste

@iklboo

Look him square in the eye and say (in a post office queue machine voice) 'interested face number 386'

I just feel like he’s not there for day to day emotional support.

Then what's the point? You might as well be single. At least then you wouldn't have the fuck annoyed out of you all the time by his incredible self-absorbsion.

@artlee

I have a similar DH. Every statement/question is met with a teenager-esque "OKAAY" Wish I'd left when I had the chance. Never asks a question back, even simple ones like, "how was your day?" Very self involved in everything. Tiresome feeling like they don't actually care. I'd try and talk to him about it, since you still love/like each other. Let him know how it makes you feel.

Why can't you leave now? Please don't allow yourself to feel trapped

In summary OP, it sounds like he's got the 'ick' :(

@RuledbyASD

In summary OP, it sounds like he's got the 'ick' :(

I think so too. But I think we’re both just persevering as splitting up would be too much hassle.

Mine goes through this periodically, usually when stressed. I have recorded him on my phone and played it back. He was shocked just at his tone and he recalibrated himself.

YANBU.

But you could cut the tofu into cubes and bake it with a bit of oil until it is golden and chewy. Then you can add it to whatever dish you want it in, without it having fallen apart (unless you are using silken tofu, and that is the issue).

The only tofu I can cook successfully is cauldron tofu. The rest crumble even when pressed very well.

Back to the point, you need to bring this up with him. My DH was similar, never any interest in my day. I actually posted on here a few weeks ago about how I believed we were heading for divorce over it. I ended up getting quite upset about it and we FINALLY had a proper conversation about it. He had no idea he was doing it and it wasn't intentional so we're working on it now.

So you’ve gone from you both like and love each other to splitting up it too much hassle? Come on OP - value yourself! You’re worth more than this.

@Wearywithteens

He hasn’t got the ick - he’s got comfortable and has been enabled to be a hectoring bore. He likes the sound of his own voice and his superiority over his clumsy stupid wife (in his eyes) and he’s pissed with power in making sure she knows her place.

I just know these men are cowards though - if their long suffering wives suddenly got some self respect and called them out on their bullshit (with cold hard conviction) they’d crumble like the tin pot little dictators they are.

This sounds like my Fil and MIL relationship.... there are times when I think my DH is turning in to his father! Particularly as he gets older.

@Paleninteresting

Mine goes through this periodically, usually when stressed. I have recorded him on my phone and played it back. He was shocked just at his tone and he recalibrated himself.

I think it’s become a habit of him off loading on me as he had a really stressful time at work last year, which last at least a year and ended up with him on sick leave, then he was made redundant. I bore the brunt of his stresses then, which I was happy to do... although sometimes it became tedious! But it was helping him. I think he’s still in this habit though.

I don’t mind being there, to listen. But it’s the fact that it’s one sided

@Merryoldgoat

So you’ve gone from you both like and love each other to splitting up it too much hassle? Come on OP - value yourself! You’re worth more than this.

I don’t want to split up with him. I do like being with him. But sometimes I often wonder that it’d be nice on my own.

OP, in under two pages you've gone from saying you'd never want to split up to saying you think about it. I'm not telling you to stay or go, but do think about what you REALLY want and how things are in general. Not wanting to listen to your partner and cutting them down with "stop moaning" when they just want to talk isn't the sign of someone who is respectful and loving in other ways.

He sounds insufferable.

I'd recommend Tofoo which is excellent and doesn't crumble when baked or fried, or cauldron and pressing the shit out of it before cooking (for a couple of hours, not a quick press).

My ex was like this. He would twist every conversation around to talk about him.

He'd do it with everyone though. A friend would be telling him about a new bike he bought, he'd answer him telling them about his bikes and his experiences.

I worked at a job for 10 years, when we were splitting up I asked him what I did for a living and what my boss was called. He didn't know. This is a job I'd worked at for 10 YEARS.

I think some people are just so self involved they actually couldn't give a toss about anyone else. I suffered from anxiety following the birth of our dd, I really struggled as he simply couldn't support me, didn't understand and didn't want to understand. It was one of the reasons we split, I was so alone. A few years after we split, he had a bit of a breakdown and ended up with anxiety himself, ashamed as I am I actually threw it back in his face and refused to help.

I was, and probably am, still very resentful toward him and we've been divorced for years