To have this theory about parenthood?

[Spagootiba]

To think that as children grow older parents are biologically programmed to forget about the sleepless nights, tantrums etc or at least how awful it felt at the time.

My theory is that it's a type of evolution so they can tell younger generations that parenthood isn't that bad and not scare them off reproducing, also explains more than one child 🤣

Light hearted but let's hear your views.

I'm fully prepared for perfect parents with perfect children brigade.

Ps I love my kids and obviously the good times outweigh the hard😅

My first had sever allergies so I have horrible vivid flashbacks of those first few weeks when it was constant screaming and we were broken as a family and felt helpless. So for that reason your theory is flawed. But generally the rest of the first two years is a bit of a blur now.

[quote Whatafustercluck]@HeidiHaughton my mil claims my dh was potty trained by 9mo 🙄[/quote]
I remember a mother in a toddler group I was in saying her 7 month old was walking, but only at home not at the group because she was 'afraid' of all of us. Such silly nonsense!

I certainly have rose tinted glasses despite the awful delivery, silent reflux, PND, shit sleep for years, marriage feeling like it's crumbling, hard work as a toddler, then developmental worries with DS including a speech and language delay, then him needing an EHCP for school.

Ds is 5 now and an only child byby choice but I do look back at photos and think how lovely it was when it wasn't as my mental health was awful and I'll never be the same person again.

It’s a tough one- but you’re right there has to be something that impacts our memories. My mum and every other adult woman in our family never had sleep problems, tantrums etc with their kids. Which is total rubbish.

I had my youngest a few months ago and had a very different experience with the pregnancy and birth to the one I had with my eldest. The pregnancy was rough, I was exhausted and sick. The birth was fast but frightening. I remember being on the bed in so much pain (I arrived at hospital 9 cm) that it felt like my eyes were bulging out of my head and I was staring at DH. I felt a bit like a helpless animal that had just been ran over by a car and he looked back at me with so much pity. I’ll never forget his face. Straight after I said “we’re completed now as a family, and I certainly am not doing that again!” However, I have my little one asleep in my arms now and I’m thinking “maybe one more”

@HeidiHaughton

No looking back with rose tinted glasses here. I remember the sheer exhaustion with my second who was a terrible sleeper and was clingy and whingy from the day he was born until he was about 7. Just a very needy, stubborn, over emotional child. I often think if he had been my first child I would have stopped at one.

Same here. Ds2 is 23 now and he was hard work! Oddly enough we get on really well now and close ( which is nice) I haven't forgotten the baby years at all : it was nice sometimes , but mostly not! I wasn't a natural mum : other people seemed much more together than me. I just found it difficult and not having any help at all ( dh worked away a lot) didn't help. Others had their own mums doing it all it seemed! I would tell people to beware a bit , it's not always rewarding at all. I love them both so much , but it is and can be hard work.

I voted YABU because I will never forget. I think it's completely bonkers that women go on to have multiple children after the horror that is childbirth, having a newborn, toddler...

I wonder whether some women aren't actually as bothered by it all as they say they are. I have no sympathy at all for my friend who complains about sleepless nights with her second baby. She knew she wouldn't sleep so why complain?

I have never forgotten the shock of how hard it all was, that's why I'm not excited for my second who is due to arrive soon
If I tell myself how awful it's going to be then I can get through it, that's what I tell myself anyway!

Good point.

This is what I'm getting at though, do you really think it's because they aren't bothered and are just putting it on to look like a martyr or has their brain manipulated the memory in order to populate further?

Nope, I have an excellent memory, and one child by choice.

I think the "need" to have more children overrides the bad memories and any bad feelings. For me, I feel very complete with one child and I can dwell on how much I hated the early days in the knowledge I won't be facing it again. My friends have all said they won't feel complete until they've had more children and I think, regardless of how they felt having they first child, they're keen to grow their family and that's more important.

I do think there is an element of them purposefully forgetting or not thinking about the difficult memories, which enables them to blissfully go ahead with having more children.

Some people have the same theory about childbirth

I didn’t forget. So that’s why the gap of 10 years between my two kids. Had to mentally prepare myself for it again, and actually, my second ds was a little Angel and slept through early on and even had naps right on time every day. Wow, how can kids be so different from each other. I am honest when I talk about kids, not glossing over the awful parts. The looong sleepless nights, that lasted years. Erhhhhh shivers

I've forgotten everything and would love a third child. DH remembers it all and is done at two!

I thought maybe it was a male/female thing but clearly not judging by this thread.

No, it’s etched on my brain. It’s why I sleep trained the other children after a horrendous time with the first. We should have trained her earlier than we did.

I think what bemuses me is the reluctance teach children to sleep and general attempts to keep children ever indulged and ever happy these days. That must be truly exhausting.

I agree OP and have often thought the same about child birth. I think we're wired to forget to a degree and that if any woman remembered the pain 100% none of us would ever do it more than once!

I also think the teenage phase is so awful so when they do leave home it's not so heart-wrenching.

I think you have rose-tinted glasses on with regards to forgetting how difficult it was with young children.
My theory is that the care of children should be spread out in the community.
Being in such close proximity to them so much as we are these days is perhaps a kind of trauma.

I listened to every mother I know complain how hard the whole thing was. I decided motherhood sounded like a bag of shit and promised myself as a teen that I’d never have kids.

I would take a couple of teenage years over the 0 to 2 year phase. I found them easy in comparison.

I have birth to my second on Monday and I had a very vivid moment when I started needing to push where I suddenly thought 'oh fuck, this bit really hurts too'. I had remembered that contractions hurt but for some reason all I had remembered was the feeling of relief after the baby delivered after that! I definitely felt like my body had tricked me into forgetting the worst part...

YABU and YANBU at the same time.

I think the bad memories can fade, and certainly when my parents tell me how well I slept I take it with a pinch of salt because I can remember some of the awful nights in mid childhood when I still didn't sleep...

But you would be unreasonable to think that the reason some people look on it positively is because they'd forgotten, rather than them genuinely really enjoying it. The best few months if my life was after the births of both of my children. It was like I was bouncing along in a world made of marshmallow and joy. I also don't get the baby blues at all seemingly (I get the opposite), and really enjoyed the transition into motherhood, which probably helped.

So I wouldn't presume that positive memories are our minds playing tricks, but yes I think over a long time (many decades) some of the difficulties do melt away in our recollection.

I don't think it is you forget (I haven't it was the hardest 2 years of my life) , it's just that you know going on about it to the next generation won't help, and that over time you realise it was worth it because being a parent is a privilege.

Incidentally I remember my friend with both teens and a toddler the same age as mine saying when ours were babies that her friends with teens had definitely forgotten the full extent of the worst bits of babies - they'd say things like 'ah, you get as many sleepless nights with teens don't you?' and she'd know what they meant but at the same time she felt that no, waiting for them to come in at 2am a couple of times a week wasn't 'just as much' lost sleep as breastfeeding them six times a night!

@GettingUntrapped

I think you have rose-tinted glasses on with regards to forgetting how difficult it was with young children. My theory is that the care of children should be spread out in the community. Being in such close proximity to them so much as we are these days is perhaps a kind of trauma.

Yes, never thought of that. Back in the days when kids would be out most of the day and come back when the street lights turned on. Doesn't account for pregnancy/baby/toddler stages but certainly must've felt less intense not being cooped up with the kids all day and knowing other parents, shop keepers, neighbours and kids would look out for your kids and vice versa.

I personally have found the teen years to be much more stressful than the baby/toddler years, without a shadow of a doubt. I've forgotten the early days but this teen stage will be etched on my mind forever I'm sure