Age gap children. Can it work?

[Daisythecow34]

I have a ds age 9. Split with his dad when he was just a baby. Been with my current dp 5 years and now finally in a position where we are settled, financially secure and could manage a baby. I'm 35, dp is older...45.

My ds has always been a very placid, easy child. Would I be mad to consider ttc now? I always wanted another baby but I worry a bit about dp age and also the big age gap between children. Can it work?

Of course it can! My father was 55 when I was born, I had many many years of a loving relationship with him and he always said we kept him young...he was playing badminton with me in his 70s.
The gap...you. An have children close in age whose personalities mean they can’t stand each other, and also big gaps where they genuinely care; as adults the gap doesn’t matter as you know having a slightly older parent - we’re all just adults.
The biggest thing to consider is your and your child’s security in case your partner becomes one you shouldn’t keep. You don’t know what someone is like as a parent until they become one.

Of course! I don't consider 9-10 years that huge a gap really, I thought it was going to be something like 15+.

I don't think you or your DH are too old. I've known plenty of men have children in their late 40s and it's not a problem at all.

DS was 8 when DD was born.
Similar to you, separated with DS's dad then met DD's dad when he was 4.
I was really worried they wouldn't get along. It was strange for the first year or so while she didn't do much but she's 2 now and they are the absolute best of friends. Don't get me wrong, they bicker like any siblings but she adores him and he loves teaching her things. I think he also loves an excuse to play with all her toys too
I'm sure it'll change as he enters his teenage years but she'll always have her older brother to look out for her.

My youngest is 14 and I plan on having 2 more in the next few years

I had virtually the same experience split up from my oldest one’s dad when he was just months old. Then met my DH 3 years later my DH is only 3 years older than me though. I have almost 11 years between my two boys. Totally fine it was like having 2 only children as their needs were so different, they are both adults now and are still close.
It was a bit hard going back to the baby stage after so long but not having to do it as a single parent was great and less tiring even though I was 11 years older. My DH is in his sixties now and is fit and healthy and well able to run arround with our toddler grandchild who spends a lot of time with us ( pre COVID).

Course it woks!! Good luck!!!

I have 13 years between my two. They are so close it lovely to watch

DD was 11 when DS was born, it was harder for me as DD was such an easy child and DS is a bit more difficult. I was 34 when I had DS too. It's nice as they get along most of the time and it didn't seem to have a massive impact on DD although she does now guilt trip me to buy her things by saying she would have got it when she was an only child

On my experience I would say go for it, there's lots of challenges but I love being a mum of two very different people and seeing how they have both developed. It's also nice to know they would have each other if anything happened to me or DH!

Depends what you mean by working?

Age difference between me and my siblings is 15+ years and it has never really been an issue with us.

Has worked for us. But unlike her older sister, DD2 is not placid. At. All. She's a whirlwind trapped in a hurricane. It's been a shock. So be prepared

It's not just about you. It's also what's best for your son? Arguably it's good especially in adulthood to have a sibling. My opinion anyway. I have an older brother. I love having an older brother.

My dad was 60 and stepmom 35 when my youngest sibling was born. I was 20. All good.

I know people with a 15 year age gap - absolutely doesn't work - they are like strangers (second family)

Also know people with 7 year age gap - also doesn't work. Same fathers but like 2 different families as the older secondary age child doesn't want to do/gets bored with pre school age activities

But also know people with 2 year gap and they don't get on at all. You can't ever really tell how it will turn out?

Tricky really. If the new child is a girl, the older one will probably be fairly protective of her. If the new child is a boy he will resent him and probably bully or abuse him, so you would need to be very careful about not leaving them alone together.

It can work but be prepared for trying to find activities to suit all ages that's what I struggle with.

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

Tricky really. If the new child is a girl, the older one will probably be fairly protective of her. If the new child is a boy he will resent him and probably bully or abuse him, so you would need to be very careful about not leaving them alone together.

What bollocks is this!? “Probably bully or abuse” get to fuck... you have a very skewed idea of family relationships. OP you have been given some sensible advice but please ignore this... it is batshit

11.5 years between my two and they adore each other - I am lucky as the elder is very tolerant of the younger.

I know people with a 15 year age gap - absolutely doesn't work - they are like strangers (second family)

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Absolutely, especially if there's a step parent involved, having been the teen in this situation. But I guess every family is different

It depends on what you mean by work. You can't guarantee any sibling relationships so I'd look at the practical challenges like how you might need to do different days out for example.

With your OH being 10 years older my worry would be whether he could keep up with a teenager. You might end up with more of the ferrying around but that might be OK with you.

I know people with a 15 year age gap - absolutely doesn't work - they are like strangers (second family)

Daft response...it doesn't work because they aren't the same family, not because of the age gap!

There are no guarantees either way are there?

You will get lots of positive stories from parents who've done this and some children who had an age gap.

I'm the youngest of a big family with a big gap between me and the other siblings and I would never, ever consider adding to my DC with the same age gap. (Which it would be if I got pregnant now.)

We all get on perfectly fine, no abuse or bullying but it's not been great for me. My parents talked about how wonderful it was for them to have a baby in their mid 40s and my siblings talk a lot about how they 'adored' having a little sister but I felt very alone a lot as a child, didn't know how to relate to my peers, and as an adult feel very excluded from their collective memory of our family. We get on fine and I'm friends with most of them; we've all pulled together through a few crises in recent years but looking around at a parent's funeral to see them in a group hug as I stood alone stings a bit.

But it might be fine for your family. In the absence of a crystal ball you just have to weigh it up.

There is 8 years between my next sister and me, 9 years the one after that.

We are so so close I never go a day without talking to them.

The older we get the less I feel the age difference

I think age gaps of all sizes can work. I'd imagine their df's age is more of an issue that the age gap between the dc tbh.

I have a 10 year age gap and there’s 10 years between me and my brother as well.

My youngest is only 3 months but my DS absolutely adores her and loves helping, I’m not expecting them to be super close as they get older and expect a similar relationship to my brother and I which is more like an auntie/nephew than traditional sibling. I’d go for it!

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

Tricky really. If the new child is a girl, the older one will probably be fairly protective of her. If the new child is a boy he will resent him and probably bully or abuse him, so you would need to be very careful about not leaving them alone together.

Are you serious? You sound unhinged!