To wonder why the cause of people’s death is so taboo

[Nursejackie1]

There are so many announcements of deaths on social media these days, many of young people often accompanied by photos and memories which are obviously heartbreaking. I just wonder why the death is usually announced without any explanation. And seems so inappropriate to ask what happened. Is it so taboo? I just find that there are so many posts like this and there seems to be such a silence around what happened like it’s disrespectful to give any insight into why. I hope I am not going to offend anyone here I just find it sad to be so invited emotionally into a lost life and human nature means you are going to purely internally speculate on what has happened to the person who has sadly died.

Because most families don't want, or need to say why. If there was a protracted illness- anyone who needed to be aware, would be. If they have taken their own life, the family will already be struggling without wanting to tell everyone- and mainly, because if you're not close enough to the family to already know the details- you just don't need to.

OP- do you post online every time you have a smear? Do you share the details of your OH’s colonoscopy? Did you post on Facebook how many stitches you had in your episiotomy site when you announced the arrival of your DC?

Thought not.

HTH.

It's private, very private and no one else's business. The number of people who felt they had the right to demand from MIL or me exactly why her DS my DH had died and exactly what of was overwhelming.

People who are close to the deceased or their immediate family will already know how someone died. It's private information and doesn't need to be shared with anyone else.

I've always been quite open about how my dad died (alcohol addiction) as I think its important to talk about mental health issues, but I do understand why some people wouldn't where addiction is involved. People do make judgements and I hate the idea that they might think less of him as a person because of his addiction. He was my dad and I adored him.

I saw an announcement recently on a local fb page about the death of someone I knew.

His sister had posted to let everyone know he'd died but had worded it in such a way that, although it was obviously suicide ( "lost his battle with long standing mental health problems.. "), it was very thought provoking and elicited a great response from people .

You could tell that a lot of people generally had no idea that he'd had mental health problems and had had their eyes opened to the fact that anyone could be suffering like this underneath.

I thought it was a refreshingly honest announcement and admired the family for their approach (although I understand why this isn't for everyone)

Can I also say as a trained Mental Health First Aider that it's fine to talk about suicide online or in person to people. If you think someone is thinking about suicide you can ask them straight out, you can ask if they have a plan. It's not going to make people more likely to do it. Talking about suicide is a good thing.

To wonder why the cause of people’s death is so taboo

Something I would say as someone who was bereaved as a child, is that if I found that if I told people what had happened I had to deal with their reactions. So I learned not to tell.

At the risk of stating the obvious, bereaved people shouldn’t ever have to comfort emotional vampires who “just wondered”.

I often assume suicide or drugs if they're into them, I read that suicides in certain demographics encourage other suicides when published/ social media. In Japan there's been more suicides than deaths from coronavirus mainly driven by young women.

I wouldn't say anything to the family involved or to anyone else. My brother died young 31 due to drugs it's not a nice conversation to have with a near stranger.

And Greeneyedlulu I think it usually means suicide or addiction

No, it doesn’t. What a hurtful comment.

I feel it is down to curiosity, especially if someone dies 'young'. My 18 cousin, aged 18, died suddenly. Went to bed one night and didn't wake up again. It seemed people were more curious about his death and why. Many years later, when my uncle/his dad passed away, it was more 'acceptable', because he was in to old age.

Same for my dad, he killed himself aged 46, when I was 18. People were naturally curious how/why I had lost a parent so young.
I did find a lot of people stopped talking to us though. Suicide was very taboo back then and it was a lonely time trying to deal with it.
Yes of course we felt guilt etc - it never leaves you. My whole life has been shaped around him killing himself and I will always wonder why, if I could have done something, or why I or my family, weren't enough for him to keep living.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

It isn't mentioned firstly because it doesn't matter. The life is what people should be remembering, not the cause of death.

I must say I disagree. If a friend or colleague dies suddenly I absolutely want to know what happened to them. Similarly if I die tomorrow I don't want everyone to just be all zen and say "we will remember her life. It is not important why she died suddenly and unexpectedly."

I agree with this. My Dad died in his early fifties - it was leukaemia but it was diagnosed so late that most people he knew had no idea he was ill. We included the cause of death in his newspaper obituary and I tend to specify it without being asked whenever the subject comes up. Trying to unpick why, I think that there might be an element of explaining that it was something that was not lifestyle-related, also maybe to raise awareness that it can kill quickly as so many people think of it as a long drawn out illness. But mostly I respect that people can process things better if they have a bit more detail.

There was the very sad case of Nicholas Lyndhurst’s teen son who died recently. I saw a report in which his mother said she was forced to issue a detailed statement about his death because there had been so much speculation by internet trolls. From what I read, it was a very sudden onset leukaemia that went unnoticed and caused a stroke, but the family did not find that out for weeks. I imagine that a lot of people were assuming drugs or suicide because of his age. That was obviously magnified by the family being in the public eye.

My colleague died suddenly a few years ago aged 47. There was definitely an element of people at work wanting to know the cause of death because it really scared everyone to have someone die suddenly at that age. The official announcement did specify, and invited donations to a charity related to a condition that he had had but not talked about at work.

Can I also say as a trained Mental Health First Aider that it's fine to talk about suicide online or in person to people. If you think someone is thinking about suicide you can ask them straight out, you can ask if they have a plan. It's not going to make people more likely to do it. Talking about suicide is a good thing
Agrew 100%. I'm very open about my Dad and his suicide, if people ever want to know/ask questions. I'm very pro action in trying to get suicidal people help/to open up if possible.

Thank you for all your replies. Very interesting. For those thinking I think that families should share “gory details” of course I don’t mean that, cause of death does not have to mean going into any detail at all. I personally have lost family members and friends through suicide, murder and illnesses and have never been offended by people asking what happened and in fact by being open have found that talking about it you get a lot of support. I know that everybody will not feel this way and it is upto the individual on how they deal with a death but I see it more of a reflection on society that some deaths are seen as more something to hide than others and I think that’s a real shame.
I think that it’s usually quite obvious as others have said on this thread when a young person has died of suicide and unfortunately the secrecy around it does nothing to make these issues more open and accepted, I think it’s very sad and supports the myth that family members have something to feel guilt and shame about which of course they don’t.
Again, it’s entirely up to the family on what they say but I think that the attitude of society is a massive influence on how people feel they deal with death.
I also think it is unfair to say that wanting to know what has caused the death of someone is gossipy etc. I have seen announcements on Facebook of old school friends that have died that I spent many years being close friends with. Naturally people’s lives go in different directions but it’s natural to want to know what happened to someone you cared about even if you are no longer in their “inner circle”.
I also think that for the minority of people who will gossip that the secrecy around cause of death for some people is sadly more likely to fuel this.
I really hope that nobody interpretes anything of what I have said as judging people who have lost loved ones, I think you should do exactly what you feel is right ... it is more of an observation on our society and part of a bigger discussion on how we deal with death.

@Nursejackie1

it's because when someone's just died even saying the died via suicide is so hard.

My partner hung himself in the lounge overnight.

A friend of mines son set himself alight.

An acquaintance took a fucking chainsaw to his neck.

You want that casually mentioned on social media?

You do not need to know and it's nothing about secrecy. If people die in an unexpected manor there is a process and you can find out the details if you wish, but it absolutely does not need to be publicised.

@SomewhereUpMyArse

As others have said, medical information is private. If you don't know a person well enough for them to discuss their health with you when they're alive, why should have that information when they are dead?

This is a weird thread.

I agree with this.

OP "I think that it’s usually quite obvious as others have said on this thread when a young person has died of suicide and unfortunately the secrecy around it does nothing to make these issues more open and accepted, I think it’s very sad and supports the myth that family members have something to feel guilt and shame about which of course they don’t. "

It's never occurred to me that there would be guilt and shame.

I don't do social media or mix with people who gossip a lot.

@Coolerthanapolarbearstoenails I’m really very sorry you have had such awful losses in your life.

I absolutely am not asking for those details, in fact I’m not asking for anything, I am wondering why here in the UK that most of the time the cause of death is not mentioned as in other cultures.

I too have lost people close to me via suicide and murder. If talking about them I say they took their own life or that my family member was killed by her ex boyfriend. Not saying that’s right or wrong way it’s just that seeing so many tribute to young people on social media has made me think about this.

Thanks for your reply, I do fully understand the process and am grateful you have pointed that out as I was more concerned about society being judgmental as a reason.

@LunaHeather guilt and shame is a common response to suicide, I know this firsthand. It’s misplaced and people should not feel this way but they do. It’s very sad.

I've come to this conclusion:

For the bereaved there should be NO TABOO or shame asking any question they want, sharing any information they want about their loss.

For anybody else there should be brakes in place to stop them asking this information. In the absence of brakes there should be a MYOB warning and if that doesn't work then a FUCK OFF.

Ghouls do walk among us and I'm convinced that they will latch onto the posts from posters who mention that there's no shame attached to death. There actually is if you're one of the posters who just wants to satisfy their curiosity, you ought to be bloody well ashamed.

I think it depends on individual families. My husband died last month and I don’t mind people asking the cause because it highlights the illness and makes people aware of how funds are desperately required for research.

I understand people not wanting to disclose details - I would never directly ask someone the cause of death.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I've come to this conclusion:

For the bereaved there should be NO TABOO or shame asking any question they want, sharing any information they want about their loss.

For anybody else there should be brakes in place to stop them asking this information. In the absence of brakes there should be a MYOB warning and if that doesn't work then a FUCK OFF.

Ghouls do walk among us and I'm convinced that they will latch onto the posts from posters who mention that there's no shame attached to death. There actually is if you're one of the posters who just wants to satisfy their curiosity, you ought to be bloody well ashamed.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Your post is spot on.

Can't see what the hell it's got to do with anyone else how a person died. All anyone needs to know is that the person is dead.

Absolutely agree with this. People need to stop being so nosey. Nothing is private anymore.

What a strange thread.

Unfortunately I’ve known a lot of young people who have died, only one by suicide.

Family post on social media to let people know their child/sibling/relative has died. To stop people asking after them, to get the word out, because they want to, because it’s the easiest way of letting that persons wider social circle know, because they think they ought to, or because they want to be in control of who knows what and when.

Lack of detail certainly doesn’t automatically mean suicide or addiction in those cases. It’s just not relevant.

This was my child. She died. I’m sad.

Your job is not to speculate but to commiserate. Not to seek out information but to support.

If you’re a close friend or family member, you’ll know. If you aren’t, why on earth would I/they want to go through the pain of filling you in on all the details?

Might be cancer - and if you weren’t close enough to know my child had cancer, you aren’t close enough to demand that info now. Might be epilepsy or other known health condition. Might be unknown health condition. Might have been expected, could have been sudden. Doesn’t matter - if you’re that close, you’ll know. If you aren’t, you have no right to ask.

Thing is, it’s insulating the closest bereaved too. For everyone who is satisfied by “sepsis” there’s someone who feels they need to know the full details, what initial infection, how long did it take, didn’t the doctors try x,y,z? Or a friend of a friend who made a full recovery so it can’t have happened like that really or what went wrong?

There’s a great article somewhere about circles of support. And the idea is at the centre is the individual most affected. Next is the immediate spouse/child/parent/whoever. And then close friends and family. And then acquaintances etc.

It’s the job of those in the wider circles to support those in the inner ring. Too often the outside circle feel the need to cry on the bereaved, pile on their agony abs guilt instead of being responsive to what the bereaved person needs. Was written initially I think by someone with breast cancer exhausted by friends ringing to tell her how bad they all felt.

Think I’m currently on death 6 in twelve months now, although this time round mostly adults not children. I know the intimate details of two final illnesses, because that’s what parent and partner needed to share. I know cause of death for two. And for another two I have no idea. One because the inquest had no verdict. And one because the family haven’t chosen to share. In none of those cases have I asked why, I’ve just offered condolences and an ear. Oh - and out of those 6, that’s 2 confirmed covid, 1 probably covid, and the other three definitely not covid. Ah. Just remembered another 2. One covid one not. Been a rotten 12 months.