To wonder why the cause of people’s death is so taboo

[Nursejackie1]

There are so many announcements of deaths on social media these days, many of young people often accompanied by photos and memories which are obviously heartbreaking. I just wonder why the death is usually announced without any explanation. And seems so inappropriate to ask what happened. Is it so taboo? I just find that there are so many posts like this and there seems to be such a silence around what happened like it’s disrespectful to give any insight into why. I hope I am not going to offend anyone here I just find it sad to be so invited emotionally into a lost life and human nature means you are going to purely internally speculate on what has happened to the person who has sadly died.

We don’t need to know the physical details of death to grieve, empathise or support the bereaved.

If people want to tell and talk about it, they will.

So many families of young people lost feel guilt (they aren’t ‘guilty’ of course) and aren’t ready to make details available to the wider public when they haven’t had time to deal with their own feelings. Our curiosity is of no relevance.

Plus many people feel respectful of the deceased’s privacy. Their lives don’t need to become public knowledge just because they are dead.

But I do agree that stigma, judginess and shaming need to be tackled. Just don’t think this is the responsibility of parents who are in the jaws of grief.

Because people are ghouls op. It’s not always shame, it’s that that the relatives don’t want to give people online that nugget of entertainment in revealing it was a violent/tragic death or whatever.

Also some deaths are unpleasant for the family and they don’t want to dwell on the detail.

If it’s a ‘well known’ person on tv they tend to hint eg ‘police not treating it as suspicious’ usually means suicide

Wouldn't they also say that for an overdose or an accident? Surely it just means that they don't think someone killed them. There's more ways to die than murder.

@JorisBonson

It's really nobody's business apart from the family. This thread is strange.

Exactly. If someone has died (with the possible exception of v close family) why would you think it's your right to know how? Nothing 'taboo' about it, people are such sticky beaks.

My teen cousin took his life in a grisly fashion. The details weren't mentioned because of that AND no one wants anyone to ever think 'so that works'. Putting the information out there would distress people and probably be irresponsible.

@Sparklingbrook it's just weird. BUT HOW I MUST KNOW 🤦🏻‍♀️

[quote JorisBonson]@Sparklingbrook it's just weird. BUT HOW I MUST KNOW 🤦🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Complete with foot stamping...

Privacy or keeping personal details to oneself is not the same as taboo. If you are close enough that you have any reasonable need to know then you will know already or you can speak to the family in private. frankly, your attitude disgusts me. A family has lost a loved one and all you really care about is being deprived of some gossipy detail that is none of your business? Go and watch a soap opera for your entertainment instead of ghouling it up on social media.

One of my clients took his own life, I got a phone call from someone who knew his vaguely asking how he'd actually done it. Unbelievable.

Having lost a lot of my family - it is bad enough that someone has died, without having to re-visit the hows and whys with casual acquaintances. If you don't know, or keep in touch with us enough to know that, say, my mother had cancer, why on earth should I satisfy your curiosity and bad mannered nosiness by giving you all the details?

Maybe they just don’t know. My brother died suddenly and unexpectedly and it took weeks and weeks for the cause of death to be established.

People always ask, if ever they find out my brother is dead they always ask me how did he die.

If someone died suddenly, you wouldn't have had time to ask them if they were OK with you discussing the cause of their death with all and sundry! So talking about the cause feels like you're sharing someone else's private story without permission.

If you want to ask about the cause of death - why? Is it really out of concern, or to satisfy your own curiosity? If for your own curiosity, there's your answer - it's not about you.

When it comes to death, all you can do - all you should do - is support the people left behind. If they want to tell you the details, fine, but it feels like an intrusion to ask for anything they don't want to volunteer.

I hope I am not going to offend anyone here I just find it sad to be so invited emotionally into a lost life and human nature means you are going to purely internally speculate on what has happened to the person who has sadly died.

The short answer is human nature is horrible. Truly, I'm not judging you, I'm judging us as a species (which naturally includes me). You're right, we will wonder... but we should suppress that instinct to make it about us, and to make it about the grieving people instead.

My mum died from alcohol addiction and I never tell people why. I find that in the past, when I have explained the reason for her death, people would judge her and me and my family. I’d get questions like ‘why didn’t you make her stop?’ And statements like ‘well she brought it on herself’. It’s very hurtful.

Whenever I see a death announcement and the cause of death is not mentioned, I assume it’s suicide or addiction. Most people are fine with mentioning ‘good deaths’.

I notice when one of our news sites reports on a death and doesnt mention what happened 99% of the time the article is followed by a tag line urging people to call a known organisation that deals with depression etc. so i usually assume in those cases it was overdose/suicide related.

I remember as a teen one of my usual magazines (Dolly i think) reported about a girl commiting suicide but did not mention how as they were obviously concerned about copycat attempts. I still sometimes wonder about that, it was obviously about awareness but i think it is natural to wonder when you've been told someone's died.

It's not something i would ever ask anyone though unless i was close to the family. We had people asking after a family member died, it wasnt a matter of them not being close enough to know what was going on, it was just the normal case of life getting in the way of friendships, didnt mean the family member didnt care about those people or wouldnt have wanted them to know

Actually death is a public matter. If you really want to know, order the death certificate. In general though, as a pp said it generally tends to be method of death for a suicide which isn't mentioned.

If the cause of death is suicide, which IME it usually is among younger people when the cause isn't mentioned, it's because suicide contagion is a recognised phenomenon and has been for centuries. There's media reporting guidelines on it as a result.
www.ipso.co.uk/member-publishers/guidance-for-journalists-and-editors/guidance-on-reporting-suicide/

So the blunt answer, OP, is that when the details of suicide are shared, there is a risk of others attempting to imitate. It's less about taboo and more about preventing further deaths

And to be frank, I am not really sure why people want/need to know the details of any death? A friend of mine killed himself when I was in my twenties. His parents shared details of the PM, which I suppose was their right, but knowing the precise methods he had used did not in any way help me with the grieving process. Maybe it helped them, I don't know.

My younger sister made the choice to end her life 18 months ago after living with mental illness for most of her life.
Her death was very much planned. I'm absolutely grieving for her and my family's lives will never be the same again.
However, I respect the choice she made, even if I'm still angry with her.
If people ask, I tell them. My dad (in his 70's) also gets angry if people say she 'committed' suicide, as that harks back to the times when suicide was a criminal offence.

I mean, I am nosy so I always want to know, but it literally is none of my business. Why should anyone have to declare to accquantainces and strangers how someone died?

You know why - sometimes because it’s suicide or addiction related which adds to the pain, and in the former case there is a fear it could encourage others, or it’s an illness or accident. In what ever case the family is in a huge amount of pain. It’s not relevant what the person died of, their life has been cut short.

But ultimately - it’s none of your flipping business is it?

Because everyone person is a human being and has family and friends and their CoD is none of our concern. 'Celebrities' who live their life in the limelight by choice, are not here to consent after death, so their privacy should be respected.

There is clear policies on reporting restrictions around suicide in young people because of past instances where reporting appeared to contribute to further deaths. The online local news sites don't always respect these policies though.

Often the coroners report can take a long time to come out so official causes/circumstances of death are not always known. Sometimes you get the “after a short/long illness” thing.

I think it’s human nature to be curious about what was going on in someone’s life to bring about their death (death is part of life and it is normal I think to seek to understand it) but privacy for the deceased and their family should trump that.

It's private medical information. And if they wanted you to know that they had an illness they would've told you, or the family would've told you why they died. If they haven't then it's not important. It's not taboo, it's just only known by those that matter.

Do you shared all your medical history with every one you meet?

Sometimes its just too painful to say outloud, My dear friend lost her mother a few years ago, She knows that I know it was suicide but we have never mentioned it, I just try and support my friend and listen and love her.

One day she may 'tell' me, she owes me nothing, no explaination, no details, its enough for me to know that it is such a painful thing for her that she may never say it outloud.

I find it really interesting that in the British Medical journal obituaries the cause of death is always stated. I have no idea why but I really like this - like it is open and challenges a taboo about death and normalises is. Yes, we are all going to die, yes we will all have a cause of death - this is normal. I guess it is cultural and a lot of people are really scared about a. dying and b. talking about death so I respect everyone's opinion.