To wonder why the cause of people’s death is so taboo

[Nursejackie1]

There are so many announcements of deaths on social media these days, many of young people often accompanied by photos and memories which are obviously heartbreaking. I just wonder why the death is usually announced without any explanation. And seems so inappropriate to ask what happened. Is it so taboo? I just find that there are so many posts like this and there seems to be such a silence around what happened like it’s disrespectful to give any insight into why. I hope I am not going to offend anyone here I just find it sad to be so invited emotionally into a lost life and human nature means you are going to purely internally speculate on what has happened to the person who has sadly died.

I think it's just a private thing...not to write in a public announcement.

@JorisBonson

It's really nobody's business apart from the family. This thread is strange.

Quite

I don't think it's hidden, just not appropriate to put on an external release. I would tell someone how my husband died if they asked, but why would they need to know? I think people search for the why all the time, and sometimes things happen that can't be explained. I felt with my husband that because he was so young, people are frightened by the thought that someone can literally just die without warning - so they seek an explanation that it couldn't happen to them.
I don't know if that makes sense, a bit clumsily put, just my thoughts anyway.

Years ago a friend of the families son died by choking on his own vomit after taking drugs.
I am not sure how you could describe that in an obituary or why it would be anyone’s business. His family had enough to deal with without judgement from random acquaintances or complete strangers.

I felt with my husband that because he was so young, people are frightened by the thought that someone can literally just die without warning - so they seek an explanation that it couldn't happen to them.

This is probably true too. My son has terrible health and separation anxiety since his Uncle died as it had never really occurred to him that young seemingly healthy individual could just drop down dead one day.

Th commonest causes of death in younger people are suicide and accident. That statistic certainly bears out for me. Everyone I've known who has died in my own generation it has been an RTA or suicide. I think it's very understandable that people do not want to talk about the circumstances of a violent, unexpected death.

Some causes of death are just considered more 'noble' than others. Even for older people you are more likely to see 'a battle with cancer' mentioned than 'a battle with dementia'

My brother died aged 31 on 15th January. We still don't know why he died. We've been told to wait another 10 weeks for tissue sample analysis for a cause. I thought most causes of deaths were identified at a post mortem, but I wonder if others are kept waiting like us and genuinely don't even know the cause?

It isn't taboo it just isn't the business of random people who barely knew the person.

I don’t think it’s taboo as much no-one else’s business. There’s no reason for people to know the cause other than idle curiosity.

Maria- I read BMJ obituaries too!Drs are medically curious about causes of death I guess and less squeamish about it.
Usually the cause of death is stated there but again I do notice that suicide will often not be mentioned only inferred and that dementia is also often not mentioned.
I know this because sometimes, very sadly, they have been people I know.
I have always thought that if I die with dementia then I will positively want my family to mention it as a way of tackling stigma.

My DF died aged 54 and my DM was killed in a car accident at 69. I don't mind people asking why and how, and strangely I am interested in understanding why other people died young, although I wouldn't always ask.
It's weirdly and strangely comforting to know that other people have faced tragic deaths. It makes me feel less hard done by despite how desperately sorry I am for their families.
That sounds awful I know.

@WeAllHaveWings

If it’s a ‘well known’ person on tv they tend to hint eg ‘police not treating it as suspicious’ usually means suicide

When the police say that it could be anything from misadventure, to an accident to a health condition and disrespectful to say it "usually" means anything.

Families have the right to privacy and respect when they are grieving without ghoulish strangers debating how their child/parent/sibling/loved one died.

I would have thought so too. To me ''not suspicious' simply means they aren't investigating it their end ie they don't think it's murder.

If the family want to let people know the cause of death, or it is known anyway (my mum, for instance, battled cancer which she died of, it was well known she was dying of it) well that's up to them.

My dad died 25 years ago. I still find it painful to talk about how he died and what of. If someone asked me, I'd probably refuse to discuss it because talking about it just makes me cry. So yeah I'd think it intrusive.

When doing these posts I don’t think it’s appropriate to include cause of death. Close friends and family will know and I’m sure most will share when asked but when do all of the nosey people on Facebook need to know?

With any unexpected death and certainly with all suspected suicide the coroner gives an opinion and there may be an inquest. The cause of death in suicide is therefore not officially determined often for many months even where it appears obvious and if there is any doubt as to the intentions of the deceased then often an open verdict or misadventure are recorded.
So it's true that when announcing the death a family may not officially know the cause in any case.

I also think it’s because when people announce these posts it just seems so rude to comment ‘what happened’ instead of condolences. Surely that conversation should be left for in person instead of a comment on a social media post or a Facebook message.

If someone is bereaved they're upset and grieving , why should they have to inform randomers of the cause of death.

Even though I don’t talk about why my mum died because of the fear of judgement, I do absolutely understand the wanting to know. I also am curious about how a person died when I hear of their death.

I don’t think it has to do with being nosy. I think as humans we have complicated relationship with death and there are quite big, existential reasons for wanting to know why someone else died. So that we can process our own feelings around death.

Also, as a PP said, causes of death are a matter of public record. It’s not like a medical history.

The night my mum took her own life I had people who I barely knew message me on Facebook and ask what happened before we even made the death announcement.

We chose to be open about it because we wanted to use it as an opportunity to talk about mental health and went on to fundraise for a mental health charity but no one is entitled to an explanation about how someone they weren't close to died. The only reason people want to know is noseyness and other people's pain isn't there for others entertainment.

A friend's brother was murdered when they were both teenagers.

She tells people what happened but admitted recently that she loves the time in a friendship before she feels she becomes, in the new friend's eyes, 'the girl whose brother was murdered'.

Yuck. My DH died in October from sudden cardiac death. People stay stupid things after a death but nobody has ever upset me apart from the fucking insensitive nosy fucking arseholes whose first question was, in a sort of breathless tone of excitement, "was it Covid?" It's nobody's fucking business how someone dies and asking is crass at best, actively hurtful at worst.

This thread has really riled me up.

It isn't mentioned firstly because it doesn't matter. The life is what people should be remembering, not the cause of death.

Also there were many pieces of research into this after huge events such as Columbine about how publicising details e.g. name, cause of death and method etc can cause suicide ideation and lead to copycats so in terms of broadcasting there are very strict rules to prevent people from getting ideas or being pushed into anything.

That said, if the death is related to conditions where awareness is needed sometimes there can be a positive effect from sharing e.g. the uptake in smears during/after Jade Goody's death.

But mainly because it isn't important.

You are talking about social media, the worst side to people - why would you put yourself through that when grieving.

People don't have a personal connection to the deceased, so lots of readers and commentators will use it as a way to justify why that can't possibly happen to them. Are you sure this isn't your motivation? For example:

There have been pictures of young people who sadly died of Covid where loads of people pile on to point out how obese they look and that's why they died.

Accidents will be the person's own fault "why were they up that mountain in these conditions," "they must have been driving too fast," "cyclists should know this is a dodgy corner...."

A women attacked by her husband should have seen the signs, left sooner, is to blame for not getting her kids out of the situation.

Suicide is a social contagion so it is irresponsible to mention that when talking about someone in loving terms, this is in line with Samaritans guidelines.

The main reason is, however, that it's none of your business.

Actually only the coroner can determine if a death is suicide. They need to try & establish if they intended to kill themselves or if it was a cry for help that went wrong or an accident or something.

If a death is deemed suicide by the coroner even then friends and relatives may struggle to accept it. Suicide verdicts can bestow a lot of guilt on family and friends.

Peachgreen I'm so sorry that the thread is adding to your pain.

I think people wanting to know is quite a lot about defending themselves from the thought that it could happen to them. That is why they make stupid remarks blaming the person who died because then it's 'their fault' and not something that can happen to anyone.

A friend died by suicide last year (although that is not official yet as the inquest has not been held). His family handled it very gracefully I thought. They did say openly that is what happened and they raised a lot of money for an MH charity and I think did a lot of good in reducing stigma by talking about mental illness. However they simply stated the fact and I certainly do not know or want to know the method. I really hope no-one is hassling them to give details as that is a step too far and there can be no good reason for wanting to know such private things.

@EnglishRain Sorry you lost your brother. My brother was 34 and yes, it took a long time to get all the results back. I think sometimes the cause of death is more obvious but even then it can take a few days - my brothers initial post-morton didn’t take place until several days after his death and of course we had already announced his death by then. That was inconclusive so then it was several months wait for tissue samples.