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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are we mean to MIL?

82 replies

CrispyLeaves · 17/02/2021 10:54

This is long so i'll try to be as accurate and concise as possible.

In many ways MIL is a very nice person and I'm conflicted over my feelings/ treatment towards her. Since being with her son, my DH, his relationship with her has fractured because I have been shocked at their relationship and have told him I don't think the way she behaves is correct.

The backstory is when I met DH about 15 years ago he was giving MIL a lot of money all the time. I am talking about a thousand a month and he wasn't a huge earner but almost all of his money was given to his mum. He was happy doing this but I believe it's because she manipulated him into it by saying things like she sacrificed so much when he was little etc. She was spending the money on holidays and cars, not essentials. I don't believe a parent should accept this - they should be encouraging their child to save and build their own life surely? She was also working full time as a school secretary so had an income. She has a daughter (my SIL) who lives overseas and I don't think she asks her for money.

Things got bad when she said she was struggling with her debts (about six months into our relationship) and DH sold his property to give her the money and move into rented accommodation himself. I told him I thought this was madness but he said she was going to lose her home and had to do it. She did pay off her debts and the rest went on holidays. He says that she told him she was keeping a large sum for him in her account - he then asked her for this back for a property deposit and she denied saying that and said all the money was gone.

I loved DH and wrestled with this as it made me resent MIL as I saw her as greedy and manipulative, yet she was always very nice to me. It's as if she genuinely believed that's what children should do for their parents. She didn't do any of this for her own parents by the way (sadly both have now passed) but I think a large part of it is that as a female she doesn't believe she should.

DH was furious with MIL as was I - she thinks she never did anything wrong as he offered to do all this- but I believe she manipulated him into it. DH then cut her off financially so stopped giving her money and taking her out and I said if we were to get married it had to stop. She now says he is mean with money, he chose to "help her" and she hasn't done anything wrong. She regularly tells us of how generous her friends sons are and says things like "he won't take a penny off his mum!"

It's not a cultural thing they are born in the UK. She now does strange little things like we will be walking past a coffee shop and she will ask him to buy her things - every time- it's like a power play she always needs him to be buying her something. She also thinks I am a controlling daughter in law and have cut her off cruelly. AIBU to say we can no longer give her any money? I resent even buying her a coffee now to be honest. DH now has a load of simmering anger towards her which if we weren't together probably wouldn't be there as I'm the one who pointed out that it was wrong - so he doesn't want to give her any more money but sometimes he will soften and say he feels sorry for her.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2021 15:41

I'm almost hoping this is some sort of joke, but in case it's not I'd suggest being very careful here
Obviously it's good if he's "seen the light", but she won't give up this kind of abuse (or the money) willingly, and you could start to see "emergencies" being created to chisel more cash

Personally I think your idea of counselling's very wise; it's natural to resist it at first, but it may well be the only way for him to get his mind round this properly

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2021 15:46

It's been a long road talking to DH about this

So at what point did the handouts stop - if they have actually stopped?
You said he sold up "six months into your relationship" (frankly I'd never have married him) but just how much of your joint income has she had as opposed to purely his?

ooohbriefcase · 17/02/2021 15:49

" I think you should give her the occasional treat , maybe take her on an occasional outing . You don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater , she will always be his mum warts and all , just set very firm boundries. She sounds like a needy child rather than an adult"

Er no. She's had enough treats for 3 lifetimes. She'd be lucky to get an orange for Christmas of me.

greeneyedlulu · 17/02/2021 15:52

Wow!! She is crazy! Your poor DH! I cant see any reason that validates her behaviour or why she expects so much from her son!!

Ilady · 17/02/2021 16:03

No your not mean to your mother in law. To be honest she is horrible woman. She made your husband sell his house to pay off her debits and told him she keep money aside from what he gave her to give him a house deposit at a later date.
Then when the time came this money was gone because she was enjoying the good life.
I tell your husband to add up all the money he gave her and think of how you could use that money now or in the future. If he kept his house he could now have a lower mortgage than your current paying. He could have sold that house, made money on it and now be living in a nicer house or area than where you are currently.
At this stage I tell him that you and him are going to ask for that money back and she can give X amount per month until she pays back what she owes him.
I know he won't be keen to do this but I tell him that his mother has treated him badly. I would say to him that she owes him this money and that he does not get it back you will have to consider if you will stay with him.
I would let him know that long term you and him can't financially support his mother and your not working hard so his mother can go on holidays and run up debits.
What happens when she reaches retirement age and potentially has a smaller
income than she has currently?
It time to stand up for yourselves now with her otherwise you could end up in a far worse situation.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/02/2021 16:10

Does she have drug / alcohol / gambling problem? I wouldn’t give another penny. If she ends up going bankrupt she only has herself to blame. Especially as she has a reasonable job.

HighHeelBoots · 17/02/2021 16:16

I would tell everyone. It is so wrong
I hope he will inherit the house he paid for

I would try to put pressure on her to transfer the house into his name as payment

crimsonclover · 17/02/2021 16:26

It’s no surprise the daughter moved out of the country - I would have too!

ktp100 · 17/02/2021 16:41

She sounds like a CF and a user.

I'd be easing that resentment by going NC.

diddl · 17/02/2021 16:52

If I could afford to give my Mum a grand a month & she appreciated it & didn't piss it up the wall, I would.

To lose his house for her-that's not "helping out"-that's being used to an appalling degree.

1forAll74 · 17/02/2021 17:00

I have known this very same situation with a few men over the years, where they have almost given,and done everything for their Mothers, who willingly take everything all the time,no matter what. Is there any chance at all, that your Husband can communicate with his Mother properly, and tell her how angry he now feels about all the issues she has now caused him to have. Despite her not agreeing with anything, she needs to listen big time, to what has been happening over the years, and it was all for her own selfish and ridiculous benefit.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 17/02/2021 17:06

yep i've been in this position. My mother in law owed us a sum of money. We were setting up home and needed it. She would be swanning round in new clothes etc. She turned up at our house with a sports car and i think she saw the look of pure anger on my face. She had a windfall all of a sudden and paid the money back.

Feedingthebirds1 · 17/02/2021 17:07

It's not a cultural thing they are born in the UK

That sounds like you're British, but not white British. Especially as you say it's something she feels daughters don't have to do. Culture is very deeply ingrained and isn't forgotten in one or two generations.

Whatever, you're not an evil DIL for helping your DH to see through her behaviour. She's selfish and is willing to take the roof from over her son's head to go on holiday. No, you have nothing to feel guilty about, however hard she tries to make you feel that way. Continue to support DH and you'll both come out of it stronger.

IsThePopeCatholic · 17/02/2021 17:20

She sounds like a spoilt brat. She’s been emotionally manipulating her son, and you’ve seen through her.

HTH1 · 17/02/2021 17:32

@merryhouse

Well, you have a choice.

(a) keep giving her a significant sum of money each month.
(b) pay the occasional bill.
(c) don't give her any money but buy Occasion presents and pay for coffee or meal out every now and again, as other people might.
(d) don't give her any money and don't buy her anything.
(e) tell her you've spent so much on her you need her to pay for treats.
(f) ask for the money back, paid in instalments.
(g) go no contact.

She won't be happy with anything after (a).

I'd be inclined to pick (c) - draw a line under what's happened and attempt to behave like "normal" people; then when she complains, explicitly refer to the possibility of (e) and vaguely hint at (f).

Oh, and when she says "he won't take a penny off his mum!" burst out laughing and say something like "if only!"

Absolutely (f). I can’t believe MIL’s gall, I would rather be homeless than sponge off my sons (and I intend to help them on their way when they begin their adult life and are in that difficult stage of high costs/just starting out in their careers).

Ivy455 · 17/02/2021 17:35

YANBU. Sounds a lot like my MIL. She took the piss out my husband for years and I got so angry with it when I became pregnant (we were in the process of buying a house together) so he finally put an end to it. We are NC with her now.

BringPizza · 17/02/2021 17:35

Smallfry by comparison, but when I was a student my mum got the family onside to guilt me to buy her a new fridge freezer. When I had 2 tiny kids and not much coming in she did me for a washing machine- and the next weekend she travelled off to an auction to bid on a holiday home (c£130k). She's had nothing since despite her best efforts. Some people are just entitled scroungers who think it is their right to be given what they want. Stay strong OP.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2021 21:04

She made your husband sell his house to pay off her debits

Sorry, but this is one aspect I can't agree with, even while agreeing she's abusive

I don't pretend it would have been easy, but as an adult at the time with his own agency, the DH could have said no if he'd really wanted to

Which, as said, is why I wouldn't have married a man like this in the first place ...

Mrgrinch · 17/02/2021 21:11

I'm truly shocked at this. She has a cheek to call herself a mother to be honest.

What a selfless man your DH is, such a shame she has abused him in this way.

justcannotwithyou · 17/02/2021 21:12

@Puzzledandpissedoff

She made your husband sell his house to pay off her debits

Sorry, but this is one aspect I can't agree with, even while agreeing she's abusive

I don't pretend it would have been easy, but as an adult at the time with his own agency, the DH could have said no if he'd really wanted to

Which, as said, is why I wouldn't have married a man like this in the first place ...

This is a man who has likely been brainwashed for most if not all of his life. He didn't even see how wrong any of it was until OP pointed it out.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2021 21:25

That's all very true, justcannotwithyou, and I'm not for an instant doubting the damage she'll have done, but I genuinely have a problem with the constant thing of "they made me do it"
I grew up with a hideously abusive father myself, but even as a youngster I could see on one level how wrong it all was, and got the hell out of there the instant I could

Everyone's different of course, but if this particular DH is so wedded to "she made me do it", what's to stop it happening again? And if it does, why on earth would OP hang around?

Original poster

CrispyLeaves · 17/02/2021 22:25

In terms of DH agreeing to it - she said she needed the money or would lose her house. He foolishly gave her the whole sum and she said there would be a lot left over for him. She also constantly fed him the narrative that she struggled to give him the best throughout his entire childhood and good sons take care of their mothers. I genuinely believed there was some crazy sacrificial backstory and she had done something extreme and generous throughout his childhood by the way he (and his friends) spoke about how amazing she was when we first met. When I discovered it was just raising him and providing for him and his sister as a parent in any usual way that's when things became alarming.

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 17/02/2021 22:33

She sees men's role as to provide for their partner. As she's no partner she's assigned the role to your son. It's financial & emotional abuse. I can't see her listening to reason but you could bluntly say you're preventing your son progressing with his own life goals . You'll likely get poor little me victim mentaliry or full on strop. Low contact or no contact would be my decision.

Cornishclio · 17/02/2021 22:34

So she kept her house and he lost his? She is dreadful and it is a good job he woke up before he sacrifices his whole life to her. Presumably you cannot afford to now buy if you are in rented now or is that through choice? I would throw that in her face at every opportunity. If she asks for money or for you to buy anything the response is that DH sold his house for you and now we have to rent and are saving for a new house. The coffers are empty.

LouiseTrees · 17/02/2021 22:51

He needs to say back to her. He doesn’t let her pay a penny but then she’s not had 10s of thousands off him. Shall I ask the son to tot up how much he’s paid out over the years?

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