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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think friend is being silly?

61 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 17/02/2021 09:24

We were on a Zoom chat last night and I burst into tears when recalling a story I read about a nurse who had died. She has worked throughout coronavirus and got her children into the NHS profession as well.
My friend agreed it was tragic but then went quiet and the whole conversation afterwards was very strained.
She texted me about an hour later saying 'The story you told me was tragic. I just wondered why you didn't really react when I told you about Zoe who had died. The one who I was pretty close to and the one who (my granddaughter knew of). '

I was shocked when I heard about the lady my friend knew of but the story on the news hit me harder, I'm not sure why I should have to explain that to her or justify my feelings?

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 17/02/2021 09:30

I don't think you have to justify your feelings, no, but I don't think she has to justify hers, either.

Not totally clear from your post but I assume your friend is a doctor or nurse? People in the NHS have worked throughout at great risk to themselves and huge emotional cost. It may have seemed a little tone deaf that you were crying on the zoom chat with her about some abstract person you'd read about when she has direct first hand experience of this. She may have found it quite triggering.

I don't think either of you is wrong exactly but if I were you I would consider that perhaps the weight you were giving to this story about a stranger may have seemed a little jarring. Might be worth saying you understand how this may have affected her and you're sorry you caused any offence. And hopefully just move on.

lanthanum · 17/02/2021 09:36

Emotions are strange things - sometimes it will be a cumulative effect, sometimes it will just be some detail of a particular story that triggers something, quite possibly subconsciously. And I think that's what I'd say to the friend: "Not sure really - I guess it was just a cumulative thing by the time we got to the story I told, or maybe it's harder to keep tears in check when I'm the one speaking." Perhaps put in a sympathetic comment about Zoe - it sounds as if maybe your friend didn't get sympathy she was in need of last night - which you weren't to know.

ChristmasinJune · 17/02/2021 09:39

So it sounds like she's a HCP of some sort?
And you spent your zoom call crying about a nurse you'd never met?
Yet when she lost an actual friend you barely reacted at all and possibly she found you unsupportive and it's playing on her mind.
Now she's told you she feels upset you're dismissing her as "silly" ?

I'm not sure why I should have to explain that to her or justify my feelings?
You don't and you can feel upset over anything you like, but I feel like you need to try to tune into how your friend may be feeling here and give her some support and a listening ear instead of dismissing her.
Otherwise in a few moths you could end up on here posting about a friend who's ditched you and you don't know why 🤷‍♂️

Newcastleteacake · 17/02/2021 09:47

'Silly'. A friend of yours has lost a close friend and you call her silly?

Perhaps she hasn't felt the level of empathy and sympathy from you she had hoped or expected and then when you cried for a stranger (no judgement, I cry over ads) she reached her final straw.

Best thing to do when trying to understand someone else's state of mind is to put yourself in their shoes. Try that and you won't find anything silly about it.

TheCatThatGotTheCream · 17/02/2021 10:14

She was probably upset because she had just lost a friend, was probably upset and grieving and you showed no reaction really. Yet started with the tears when a stranger died. I think you need to work on your self awareness.

OutingMyself · 17/02/2021 10:17

Wow, that must have been really hurtful to her. How thoughtless.

Cheeseandlobster · 17/02/2021 10:19

@TheCatThatGotTheCream

She was probably upset because she had just lost a friend, was probably upset and grieving and you showed no reaction really. Yet started with the tears when a stranger died. I think you need to work on your self awareness.
This. And then you minimise her feelings and refer to her as silly. Wow!
Blackdog19 · 17/02/2021 10:20

It does sound like you were being insensitive

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 10:20

Yeah that was thoughtless of you. Carrying on grief stricken over a stranger when she’s trying to tell you she’s lost someone she’s close to.

I think it’s odd of you to have that reaction over someone you never met, however tragic the story.

SnarkyBag · 17/02/2021 10:21

You sound a bit insensitive to be honest. You know she's had a recent loss and you are indulging in weeping down the phone over someone you didn't even know.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 17/02/2021 10:23

Reverse?

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 10:24

Hmm yeah I’d call reverse as well actually.

Same4Walls · 17/02/2021 10:26

So it sounds like she's a HCP of some sort?
And you spent your zoom call crying about a nurse you'd never met?
Yet when she lost an actual friend you barely reacted at all and possibly she found you unsupportive and it's playing on her mind.
Now she's told you she feels upset you're dismissing her as "silly"?

That's how I read it too. No wonder she was quiet and the conversation felt stilted the poor women's just lost someone she knew and you're showing absolutely no self awareness and dismissing her as silly. I hope she has much kinder and more supportive friends around to support her.

JaneNorman · 17/02/2021 10:26

Weirdly this reminds me of the discussion about whether the Duchess of Cambridge was insensitive for saying she found homeschooling exhausting.

You found a random on the news dying upsetting. But your friend has lost someone she was close to and it sounds like you showed little sympathy. The two don’t really compare.

ellenpartridge · 17/02/2021 10:26

Yabu

Divebar2021 · 17/02/2021 10:27

I think she has been hurt by your response to the death of her friend and is being honest and raising this with you. I had to tell a friend about something that they’d done which hurt me - it wasn’t easy to do but we had a really good conversation about that. This is a good opportunity to reflect on that situation and maybe address things with her. You don’t of course “ have to explain your feelings” to her but she doesn’t of course have to be friends with you.

ClaryFairchild · 17/02/2021 10:27

I think you should apologise because YOU were being a bit silly. It can be the oddest thing that can turn on the waterworks, and for some reason this tapped into your emotions and quite probably fears. But to her you underreacted to the death of someone she is personally connected to and then went overboard about a stranger. You didn't exactly 'read the room', did you?

Just tell her that it wasn't that you cared more for the nurse you don't know, but it was just a combination of things and it touched a trigger point in you.

JaneNorman · 17/02/2021 10:27

I’m really hoping the part you’ve missed out is that you went onto say how awful it must be for people who have lots friends and family and that you are sorry for her loss.

unmarkedbythat · 17/02/2021 10:28

I was shocked when I heard about the lady my friend knew of but the story on the news hit me harder, I'm not sure why I should have to explain that to her or justify my feelings?

I suppose you don't have to, but surely you can see where your friend is coming from and why she might be upset that you respond to loss of someone who meant something to her with barely a shrug but cry to her over a complete stranger?

AnnLouiseB · 17/02/2021 10:29

I don’t think it’s about you justifying your feelings; I think you’ve accidentally been insensitive. You can’t control what hits you hardest but to your friend it could have looked like you were dismissive of her pain while seeking support for your own (despite you not knowing the lady in question).

I would text back and apologise for coming across insensitively. It doesn’t need to be a big deal but you can mend things by acknowledging her feelings now.

AlexaShutUp · 17/02/2021 10:30

Well, if you didn't really react when she told you that she had lost someone close to her, and then went on to cry about a story in the news, I can understand her finding that quite strange.

You don't have to justify your feelings at all, and it's fair enough if one story hit you harder than another, but surely it's normal to show some empathy when a friend has lost someone? That seems to have been lacking from your reaction, sadly.

Goodbye2020Helllo2021 · 17/02/2021 10:36

@TheCatThatGotTheCream

She was probably upset because she had just lost a friend, was probably upset and grieving and you showed no reaction really. Yet started with the tears when a stranger died. I think you need to work on your self awareness.
This. Reminds me of a ‘friend’ who wasn’t moved in the slightest when my DDad passed away or when her MIL died. She will also ‘burst into tears’ when complete strangers or celebrities are reported to have died on the news.
EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 17/02/2021 10:38

Yeah she’s not being the silly one...

Goodbye2020Helllo2021 · 17/02/2021 10:40

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Hmm yeah I’d call reverse as well actually.
I don’t know! I wouldn’t admit to behaving like the OP to be honest!!
Aprilx · 17/02/2021 10:40

I think you owe your friend an apology.

You appear to have over reacted quite a lot about a stranger and I am not surprised your friend said something to you about her friend that died. She was courageous to do so. You are breathtakingly self absorbed on the other hand.

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