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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think friend is being silly?

61 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 17/02/2021 09:24

We were on a Zoom chat last night and I burst into tears when recalling a story I read about a nurse who had died. She has worked throughout coronavirus and got her children into the NHS profession as well.
My friend agreed it was tragic but then went quiet and the whole conversation afterwards was very strained.
She texted me about an hour later saying 'The story you told me was tragic. I just wondered why you didn't really react when I told you about Zoe who had died. The one who I was pretty close to and the one who (my granddaughter knew of). '

I was shocked when I heard about the lady my friend knew of but the story on the news hit me harder, I'm not sure why I should have to explain that to her or justify my feelings?

OP posts:

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 17/02/2021 10:45

I know someone who does this kind of thing, it's part of why we don't get on. She'll cry endless tears for celebrities, very tenuous acquaintances, and people she's never met. Other people's actual loss is met with very little, unless she can get sympathy by proxy, in which case she definitely will. I've often wondered if it's about the 'performance', like maybe it's cathartic to cry and have people go "there there, whatever is that matter you poor thing?" when there's no actual real long-lasting pain, just some temporary pity on her behalf.

OP I think you owe your friend an apology, and do please take an honest look at the situation: did you react to your friend's loss in a supportive way? Could you have been more sympathetic?

Original poster

MiaMarshmallows · 17/02/2021 10:45

To be clear, my friends friend was not a HCP. She died of coronavirus but was not in the health profession.
Of course I was sad to hear about it. I did not know the woman same as I did not know about the lady I read about on the news. It just hit me harder for some reason. That's not to say I don't feel sad about any death. Both of course are tragic.

OP posts:

Newcastleteacake · 17/02/2021 10:48

Then why say she is being silly when she is simply telling you how she feels? It's very dismissive of you. You are effectively saying her feelings are irrelevant.

SnarkyBag · 17/02/2021 10:49

Doesn’t really matter if she was a HCP or not. You’re lack of initial sensitivity and you’re ongoing obliviousness to your friends feelings is astounding.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 17/02/2021 10:50

@MiaMarshmallows

To be clear, my friends friend was not a HCP. She died of coronavirus but was not in the health profession. Of course I was sad to hear about it. I did not know the woman same as I did not know about the lady I read about on the news. It just hit me harder for some reason. That's not to say I don't feel sad about any death. Both of course are tragic.

Both are tragic, both are strangers to you, but one of these deaths is being genuinely felt by your friend and it's not the nurse on the news.

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/02/2021 10:50

You burst into tears in the middle of a conversation on Zoom?

ThePlantsitter · 17/02/2021 10:51

OP it's good she sent that message. It means she was thinking about it and feeling upset by your reaction and instead of just sacking your friendship off she contacted you again.

Of course you are entitled to your feelings but she's entitled to hers too, isn't she. I can understand why it hurt her feelings to think that you were more upset over someone you didn't know than someone who had meant a lot to her when she is living through a really, REALLY difficult time - probably more difficult than any of us not working in the NHS will ever realise.

You can reply to this in a way that acknowledges her upset but doesn't apologise for your own feelings. After all you're not in control of your emotional response to something, that's kind of the point of emotions. 'You're being silly' is going to lose you the friendship though I'm sure.

Goodbye2020Helllo2021 · 17/02/2021 10:52

Both are tragic, both are strangers to you, but one of these deaths is being genuinely felt by your friend and it's not the nurse on the news.

Perfectly put zelda

Hermanfromguesswho · 17/02/2021 10:53

I don’t think either of you are being silly actually.
I think it would have been out of place for you to have been upset when she told you her friend had died. That’s the time you are strong for your friends and try to ensure they are ok rather than letting your own feelings out.
This news story obviously tapped in to your emotions about the situation in general and gave you an outlet to let out your own feelings. It’s not about you caring more for a stranger than her friend. It’s more that your feelings of upset about the pandemic came out at that moment rather than when you were supporting your friend over her loss.
I can see why she may be upset though if she is thinking about it in the way that some others posters seem to be. It would be a good idea to chat about it ahd explain perhaps.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/02/2021 10:54

@MiaMarshmallows

To be clear, my friends friend was not a HCP. She died of coronavirus but was not in the health profession. Of course I was sad to hear about it. I did not know the woman same as I did not know about the lady I read about on the news. It just hit me harder for some reason. That's not to say I don't feel sad about any death. Both of course are tragic.

But what did you say to your friend when she told you her friend died? Was it a bit "oh, that's a shame. Did o tell you about this total stranger o read about on the news" burst onto tears and then make the rest of the call about you?

AprilThe8th · 17/02/2021 10:55

Do NOT visit the cistine Chapel it'll finish you off op

OutingMyself · 17/02/2021 10:55

It's just really innapropriate and thoughtless to cry about it in front of your friend when she's just lost someone close.

AlexaShutUp · 17/02/2021 10:55

Of course I was sad to hear about it. I did not know the woman same as I did not know about the lady I read about on the news. It just hit me harder for some reason. That's not to say I don't feel sad about any death. Both of course are tragic.

OP, you seem to be missing the point that it isn't all about you and what you feel. Your friend was affected by this lady's death, and you don't appear to have shown any empathy or understanding of her loss. This isn't just about how you feel.

roastpotatoesss · 17/02/2021 10:56

Why on earth did you recall that story in the first place?? YABU.

OutingMyself · 17/02/2021 10:56

@AprilThe8th

Do NOT visit the cistine Chapel it'll finish you off op

😆

notintergalatic · 17/02/2021 11:02

I have a pattern of shutting down emotionally with tragedy that is close to me but becoming over emotional over things on TV. It's an unconscious protective measure. The news lady provides a safe way to express emotion. You say you didn't know the other lady but you know your friend and her sad feelings bring you closer to the tragedy. I'm going to assume you were supportive of your friend at the time and also that you didn't intend to get upset when you raised the subject so I'd simply restate how sorry you are and let her know that things just pile up sometimes.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 17/02/2021 11:02

BLIMEY OP you sound ridiculously self absorbed!

BlueTimes · 17/02/2021 11:03

I’d imagine that’s the end of your friendship and I don’t blame your ex-friend for cutting ties with you.

EveryoneRevealsThemselves · 17/02/2021 11:03

@AprilThe8th wins the internet today

IEat · 17/02/2021 11:03

A friend didn’t like when I said I wouldn’t be standing on my doorstep for Captain Tom , they said I had my priorities wrong as he was a war hero who raised millions.

BlueTimes · 17/02/2021 11:04

@MiaMarshmallows

To be clear, my friends friend was not a HCP. She died of coronavirus but was not in the health profession. Of course I was sad to hear about it. I did not know the woman same as I did not know about the lady I read about on the news. It just hit me harder for some reason. That's not to say I don't feel sad about any death. Both of course are tragic.

But you are not only making this all about you but, and this is the worst bit (and being self absorbed enough to have told your friend this story was already bad enough), you actually think your friend is being silly!!

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 17/02/2021 11:05

I do get where she is coming from. Depending on how you acted when she told you the news. If you were like 'oh that's sad' and then moved on to something else, but then were in floods of tears about someone you have no personal connection to...maybe she was expecting a bit more empathy towards her loss

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/02/2021 11:07

@AprilThe8th

Do NOT visit the cistine Chapel it'll finish you off op

😂😂😂

AIMD · 17/02/2021 11:09

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

Yes I think this is it. Maybe she expected more empathy and focus on her having lost someone she knew. If she didn’t get that she maybe then found it upsetting that you were able to show that empathy and compassion about a person neither of you knew.

It’s not your fault. I too get really affected by some stories in the news sometimes. It’s not her fault to feel a little upset about it either.

It’s good she’s text rather than her quietly angry and just stop talking to you:

Loopyloututu · 17/02/2021 11:11

I don’t think either of YABU. What upsets you upsets you - it isn’t a switch you can flick. I can cry at a line in a cheesy book but not feel anything when a family member (whom I don’t know very well) dies. This happened the other day when my dm told me her cousin died. I felt very sorry of course but I wasn’t “upset”. I didn’t know him.

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