To not say thank you every time...

[Dragonfly202]

My husband takes the bins out. My husband feels the need to tell me every week that he has taken the bins out. He then seems to expect me to say thank you. He even commented on it today. He also feels the need to tell me whenever he has done something like unloaded the dishwasher, put the washing out etc. For context he works away a lot but he does do a fair share of the house work and childcare when home, I work part time with DS in nursery on my work days. I just get frustrated that he just seems to feel the need to tell me each time he’s done one of these tasks and seems to want to be thanked. Am I being unreasonable to think this is frankly ridiculous- I do say thank you once in a while for all he does but not after every task.

Does he thank you every time you do something in the house?

He needs to disabuse himself of the notion that he's doing you some kind of favour by pulling his weight in his own home.

It has to work both ways.

It sounds to me like in his head he thinks that housework essentially belongs to you - you are the project manager - and he is doing things to ‘help out’. When it reality it is a joint responsibility.

That said, I think it’s nice to express thanks when partners do things as it shows a general appreciation of one another. It should be offered and not expected though. It’s the need for thanks every time that is the problem.

I wonder how he would take it if you told him every time you cleaned a toilet, cleaned the food caddy etc etc?

My partner and I say thanks for doing household tasks if one of us mentions what we have done or if we notice that the other has done a boring but essential household chore. Why wouldn’t you? It’s not exactly troublesome to say ‘thanks for taking the bins out’ or for him to say to me ‘thanks for putting the washing on/doing the washing up etc’.

YANBU

Be sure to tell him every time you have completed any domestic chore, however minor, and stare pointedly at him until he thanks you.

@user1654236589623652

He needs to disabuse himself of the notion that he's doing you some kind of favour by pulling his weight in his own home.

Exactly this. He's asking for thanks because he thinks he is doing you a favour.

I’d start thanking him, then doing the same back to him. ‘I’ve just done the washing up!’ ‘I’ve just cleaned the loo.’ ‘I’ve just hoovered them living room.’ And ask why he isn’t thanking you.

Personally, I would humour him. Pick your battles.

Pick your battles

My husband used to do this and I used to reply "good". When I spoke to him about it he said he was just communicating that the job was done so I knew I didn't have to do it and that he certainly didn't expect to be thanked. That made sense to me.

I put out the bins every week. Three of them. I don’t want my partner to say thank you. I would just like him to do it now and again. He is beyond selfish however. If he said thank you I would probably fall over in shock. But no, I don’t think you need to say thank you if you are doing your share of other tasks.

I thank him if he's done something specifically for ME (like make me a cup of tea). But if it's something that benefits the whole household then no as a rule I don't. Doesn't stop him mentioning it every time though!

Can you order him a Taking the bins out medal? Once you've presented him with that, it will eradicate the need to give weekly thanks.

You could hang it near the kitchen bins to remind him of his achievements.

I would make a pest of myself over this. Tell him every single time you change the loo roll, sweep up, put the dishwasher on, etc. If he's away at work, tell him by text. A running commentary of everything you do in the house every day. He'll probably get fed up with it quite quickly and hopefully realise how silly he's being.

So what happens if you tell him that you've emptied the dishwasher? Or put the washing on? Does he thank you?

I suggest you report every completed household task to him and see how it goes.

I think as others have touched upon it depends how reciprocal the household roles are. For example... my husband works full time and I work 3 days a week, both in demanding nhs roles. Whenever I gently observe that I do about 90% of child-related responsibilities and household stuff he always comes back with "but I sort the kitchen". Which he does once or twice a week, because he enjoys doing it. I also do it, along with the million other less glamorous tasks (he hasn't done a clothes wash or cleaned any of our three toilets in the 7 years we've been together just for example). I do say thanks of my own volition if I spot him doing anything but if he overtly asked me to thank him for doing his one self-initiated household task contribution I don't think I'd respond very well 😂

My DH says, “There you go,” when he’s completed this and similar domestic tasks. I used to say thank you, but then it started to annoy me that he was, subconsciously I think, essentially saying, I’ve done you a favour, and I was thanking him for that. So now I just say, OK, great.

I think my DH would be really mad if I said to him that saying “There you go,” sounds like he thinks he’s doing me a favour. It’s not worth the strop, so I’ve just changed my reaction and that makes me feel better. If he was actually asking me to say thank you, I would have the argument TBH.

The first post nailed it.

I’ve done a lost of chores this morning

Emptied dishwasher
Hung washing
Reloaded machine
Made the bed
Started the ironing
Helped DD find her keys and change
Let the dog out for a wee

Next

Text DH to remind him to say thank you for each task

Make him a sticker chart and every time he expects thanks for doing a single tiny chore in the great sea of household management, award him a sticker.

Or you could say 'OK next time, I'll do the bins and you can do X, Y, Z, A, B, C etc etc that I did today and then we're evens'.

Instead of thank you say ‘well done’ or ‘good job’

So if I tell him I’ve done something he does thank me but I don’t feel the need to tell him when I’ve done the dishwasher, washing etc. I just do it. I sometimes get a thanks if he notices I’ve done something but that is rare. Tbh most of the tasks I do are those tasks that you don’t really think about- food planning and food shop etc. Just this morning for example I came down from getting DS ready for nursery, given DS breakfast and started on emptying the dishwasher having been up to give DS his medicine in the night. Then husband stood there proudly telling me he had done the bins- yes I could just say thank you but then I didn’t feel the need to tell him all that I had done this morning. I smiled and nodded. He commented something about saying thank you. We had a lighthearted conversation about it and I pointed out I don’t expect thank you when I do things. It was not an argument but just made me think am I being unreasonable to have pointed out to him that a thank you every time is ridiculous (I also do the bins but mainly when he is away. I empty the kitchen bin regularly to and rarely tell him when I’ve done it). I know good manners is thanking someone for doing something for you but this isn’t for me- it is for us as a family.

@SmileyClare

Can you order him a Taking the bins out medal? Once you've presented him with that, it will eradicate the need to give weekly thanks.

You could hang it near the kitchen bins to remind him of his achievements.

I love this! Do it op.