To not say thank you every time...

[Dragonfly202]

My husband takes the bins out. My husband feels the need to tell me every week that he has taken the bins out. He then seems to expect me to say thank you. He even commented on it today. He also feels the need to tell me whenever he has done something like unloaded the dishwasher, put the washing out etc. For context he works away a lot but he does do a fair share of the house work and childcare when home, I work part time with DS in nursery on my work days. I just get frustrated that he just seems to feel the need to tell me each time he’s done one of these tasks and seems to want to be thanked. Am I being unreasonable to think this is frankly ridiculous- I do say thank you once in a while for all he does but not after every task.

Like this...

@WisestIsShe yes, I get irrationally cross when DH fails to tell me he has checked all the door at night. Check them or don't, it doesn't actually matter. If you don't TELL ME you've checked them then I have to check them all anyway, so you might as well not have bothered.

But, that is not to say others don't live with people who expect special praise for "helping out".

I find an enthusiastic/slightly sarcastic "good for you" gets my point across beautifully when DP does this.

Glad to know I’m not being unreasonable in the main. Thanks everyone. I’ll let you know how the medal/stickers go down next time it happens.

A Muttley impression, not Ada

I agree with those who say do the same to him.

Now that I live alone, I’ve eliminated “doing the bins” entirely as a job by doing it as I go along. Bins live at the edge of the property- landfill gets taken out as each bin bag is full (as normal). Recycling doesn’t accumulate in a bin in the kitchen to build up into a big job, but is taken out bit by bit as it is used. The kids will often take a handful out as we go.

First time with a dishwasher, my husband said I've emptied it for you, I asked him why it was specifically for me, he'd used the plates, mugs, cups, glasses and bowls as well, so in what way was he doing this for me. He never said it again, now emptying the dishwasher is his job.

I've recently had a similar 'battle' with DM. I've been staying over lockdown. I wfh full time, she works three days, out of the house. I do all cooking, most hoovering, washing up, almost all laundry etc etc. She doesn't do a scrap of housework in the week, then on the odd Sunday she'll go round and look busy, 'blitzing'. Every single task she does, she clatters around, makes a big show of it, then loudly announces 'I've just done xyz!', always with am undertone of 'I've had to do xyz because you haven't

It amuses me. So I quietly stuck a piece of paper on the fridge. When I washed up, I wrote 'washing up' and put my initial. When I sorted the laundry (both of ours), I put 'sorted laundry' on the next line and put my initial. Added my initial every time I did a task. And so on.

When she noticed, she (in a lighthearted way) said 'I'm not playing your games/being petty/etc) and refused to log anything she did because she didn't do anything and my records steadily built up.

I've stopped now, and she's stopped announcing. Harmony is restored in the ultimate passive aggressive fashion

I never take the bins out, DH does it, I have always never vacuumed, again, DH does it, I always say thank you as both jobs are tedious. DH never cooks, I do, but he doesn’t enjoy cooking, he always says thank you. I see nothing wrong with being grateful for what we do for one another, team work makes the dream work after all

However, if DH wasn’t appreciative of me, I would feel the same about him. But I wouldn’t be with him if he was like that.

Does he thank you for the things you do around the house? My late wife and I used to thank each other for doing things like the bins/dinner/etc. Partially to make our appreciation explicit rather than implicit and it's a good example for the dc. It's easier to get them into the habit of thanking people if they see examples.

My husband and I always thank each other when we've done a job. It's just common courtesy

@Sparkletastic

Be sure to tell him every time you have completed any domestic chore, however minor, and stare pointedly at him until he thanks you.

This

OP,
Thanking a partner for the things that they does IS normal in marriages BUT for one party to be standing around waiting for praise is tedious.
I thank my husband all the time but if he was coming in telling me he had taken the bins out for me I would think it bizarre.

He takes the bins out for the family, himself included, not me.

I was going to hit YANBU because it is annoying to have to thank someone sharing the every day chores of running a household

Then I remembered, my DH thanks me every evening for making dinner. If he hasn’t find the dishes snd I do it, he thinks me and tells me he would’ve done it.

So as long as it’s a two way street, nothing wrong in thanking each other for sharing.

But DEMANDING a thank you is not nice. It should be freely given