Sister's manipulative birthday text

[mrslizaminelli]

NC. Bit of backstory - I have two older half siblings from my father's divorce (both older than me). They had a turbulent upbringing, my mum was the OW and their mum was mentally ill so there was a difficult divorce and remarriage. They've never liked me because they see me as the "replacement child" and something to be jealous of, so they've always been quite harsh with me.

I lived with my mum and our dad during my childhood, my sisters moved out of the family home when I was quite young (they're a good amount of years older than me both). Anyway, my parents were both abused as children, and subsequently they're abusive themselves - primarily getting especially bad after my sisters moved out. A lot of my childhood was quite horrible, and I moved in with a boyfriend as soon as I was legally able to. If I went into detail it would be pages and pages, so I'll just say there was a lot of verbal abuse / mindgames / manipulation and some physical abuse.

I've not spoken to my family in about a year, which inexplicably has pissed my sisters off. They've both sent me some messages throughout the course of the year, where my parents have remained radio silent. However, it was a milestone birthday for me recently (even more shit in lockdown) and one of my sisters sent me a text essentially saying; "Happy birthday! This is such a great time for you. I don't agree with how you've treated our family at all, and I'm not sure why you're treating me and other sister like this. I hope one day we can all work through it".

(Not this word-for-word, but the general gist was "Happy birthday, but you're crazy and you're being inconvenient for no good reason". My other sister sent me a text a while back calling me a liar and telling me I needed to treat our parents with the "respect they deserved" yadda yadda).

Anyway, I'm irritated and it's always this gaslighting that makes me doubt myself. Just wanted to vent about it as it's these microaggressions that slip through the cracks and irritate me all over again. I know she's complaining for the sake of making me feel bad, and she's definitely not doing any work behind the scenes to try and make my parents feel remorse / want to work through this.

Advice, or a handhold would be massively appreciated (or even confirmation that I'm not mad and have made the right choice. Thank you, blessings). x

To be honest, I cannot help but wonder if you are over sensitive about some things. Certainly how you have interpreted that text in quite extraordinary to me. It sounds like a puzzled and confused sibling, who does not understand why you suddenly blocked everyone and I certainly think she is within her rights to say so. I can see no reason why she would say she hopes to work things out in the future if she doesn’t.

I wouldn't waste time responding OP. If you respond you're beginning a dialogue with them, and their messages back to you will be as toxic, or even more toxic, than the first one they sent. The best thing to do is delete the messages and block them.

They sound like bullies. I hope you had a good birthday OP

To be honest, I cannot help but wonder if you are over sensitive about some things. Certainly how you have interpreted that text in quite extraordinary to me.

Because when you say on someone's milestone birthday (which is in lockdown so already admittedly quite shit) the whole spiel about not understanding why they've done this (after they've sent a MASSIVE message priorly explaining all the issues and their feelings) it comes across as taking the piss somewhat. I definitely am a sensitive person, and maybe it's unreasonable to expect people to understand the context involved in this, but I can read her intentions based on her previous behaviour.

Been here, just ignore them, there is no solution to an abusive family unless they're willing to admit that everyone plays a role in the dysfunction. From there, there can be healing and forgiveness. I've had this with one sibling, we are a comfort for each other and despite our default dangerous selves we have not done any harm. We are very aware of our traits and keep them reined in. This has got easier over the years.
I have not spoke to my brothers for decades, but stories of their bullying and abuse come still come to me from extended family.

“Dear Sister, thank you for your message. A lot has happened but I’m not quite sure what it is you want from me now or want me to do now. Please clarify.”