Sister's manipulative birthday text

[mrslizaminelli]

NC. Bit of backstory - I have two older half siblings from my father's divorce (both older than me). They had a turbulent upbringing, my mum was the OW and their mum was mentally ill so there was a difficult divorce and remarriage. They've never liked me because they see me as the "replacement child" and something to be jealous of, so they've always been quite harsh with me.

I lived with my mum and our dad during my childhood, my sisters moved out of the family home when I was quite young (they're a good amount of years older than me both). Anyway, my parents were both abused as children, and subsequently they're abusive themselves - primarily getting especially bad after my sisters moved out. A lot of my childhood was quite horrible, and I moved in with a boyfriend as soon as I was legally able to. If I went into detail it would be pages and pages, so I'll just say there was a lot of verbal abuse / mindgames / manipulation and some physical abuse.

I've not spoken to my family in about a year, which inexplicably has pissed my sisters off. They've both sent me some messages throughout the course of the year, where my parents have remained radio silent. However, it was a milestone birthday for me recently (even more shit in lockdown) and one of my sisters sent me a text essentially saying; "Happy birthday! This is such a great time for you. I don't agree with how you've treated our family at all, and I'm not sure why you're treating me and other sister like this. I hope one day we can all work through it".

(Not this word-for-word, but the general gist was "Happy birthday, but you're crazy and you're being inconvenient for no good reason". My other sister sent me a text a while back calling me a liar and telling me I needed to treat our parents with the "respect they deserved" yadda yadda).

Anyway, I'm irritated and it's always this gaslighting that makes me doubt myself. Just wanted to vent about it as it's these microaggressions that slip through the cracks and irritate me all over again. I know she's complaining for the sake of making me feel bad, and she's definitely not doing any work behind the scenes to try and make my parents feel remorse / want to work through this.

Advice, or a handhold would be massively appreciated (or even confirmation that I'm not mad and have made the right choice. Thank you, blessings). x

@PetalPosyPinks

Internalise, express and affirm the heck out of everything.

If you don’t like them, don’t speak to them anymore, and make everyone happy

Are you replying to me or just referencing me? Either way, I'm glad you seem to agree. :)

@PetalPosyPinks

Gaslighting...is such an irritating term..you’d be better off watching the film, than listening to any advice on here, form anone.

And my advice is watch a funny, pleasant film, read some good books.
And concentrate on having a better happier life

Lovely advice and an excellent way to completely minimise how anyone else feels about shit stuff they need to deal with.

It's called gaslighting for a reason and if you don't understand why, you've probably never experienced it.

@PetalPosyPinks Are you one of the sisters?

OP, don't listen to that. Intergenerational trauma isn't something you can positive mantra your way out of. I hope you can get some professional support with it. I am in therapy atm, to help me come to terms with my own family dynamics.

If you are interested in reading material, I recommend the books Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and Discovering the Inner Mother. Both have helped me feel less alone. But talking therapy is the main thing that has done wonders for me.

Good luck, you are not alone

@PetalPosyPinks

Internalise, express and affirm the heck out of everything.

If you don’t like them, don’t speak to them anymore, and make everyone happy

What is wrong with you?! Bore off.

Have you just moved out or was that in the past?

"I've not spoken to my family in about a year, which inexplicably has pissed my sisters off"

Not really inexplicable if our of the blue you have just ghosted your parents siblings will be a bit annoyed.

But thats why I asked if there was a time skip in your story as you go from moving out at 18 to cutting contact.

Block them all OP

I don’t understand what the AIBU is?

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Becausewearen't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it,because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see thatyouaren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

This is from another site but I think it's a good analogy of why flying monkeys try to get the scapegoat back in line when they come out of the fog. Obviously this is more aimed at mil but tweak the words a bit and it will fit your situation too. The scapegoat is refusing to take mummy and daddy's abuse so the abusers are going to go looking for other victims. Likelihood is your parents will look for the closest and easiest targets, your half siblings. They just want you to go back cos then the heat will be taken off them as your parents will have their scapegoat back. Just ignore them op, anything you explain will be twisted and argued against. If you explain about the abuse you will get told why you were wrong or it never happened or but family. They are either willfully ignorant to the abuse you suffered, see it as normal or just don't care as long as its not directed at them (probably the last one). Like the little history rewrite about your relationship with them too

Your sisters don't really want to face up to the reality of their toxic parents, so it's much easier to blame you as the source of everyone's problems. They're unlikely to change as they're stuck in this unpleasant dynamic.

In some twisted way, being mean to you seems to make them feel better about themselves and their own shitty relationships.

Avoiding them altogether is a much healthier way for you, and that means emails, texts, FB and Whatsapp. They will continue to abuse any contact you allow them.

I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible upbringing. Thank goodness you have a lovely DH.

" I had hoped some time apart might have helped them realise they love me (in some very misguided Disney-movie way)"

So you deliberately stopped talking to them to get a reaction. And you're now upset by the reaction and want to make them feel bad for reacting that way?

"Gaslighting...is such an irritating term..

Could I ask why? I tend to use it frequently to describe my experiences."

^ thats that isn't it?

Goodness, @singlemummanurse

That's certainly rung a few bells for me for my whole childhood and early/mid adulthood. Thank you! 🌹

I have it copied on my phone as it's such a good analogy, originally from reddit, think it's buried on a link on the sticky on justnomil but gets linked in AITA for relevant situations where I first came across it and thought it was fab.

Firstly, congratulations on escaping your unhealthy family dynamic. Don’t go back and don’t be drawn in. Stay silent. I’d suggest you get weekly therapy to help support you. You can also start trying to find supportive friends. Join some online groups. Build up your own life.

Block. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to stay in touch.

Love the boat-steadying metaphor. That’s exactly how enablers work.

OP, sorry they couldn’t rein it in even on your birthday. That says a lot about them. I’d suggest block and live best life. They may be unhappy themselves but that isn’t your responsibility (or within your power) to fix.

I know I’ve got a banging headache at the moment, but I read the text differently. I read it that dsis was reaching out, wanting to connect and using your birthday as the excuse to get in contact.

Is she fully aware of how you were treated by your parents? Maybe they’ve been manipulated by parents/other sister into casting you as the baddie?

Is it worth replying, explaining your side of the story, then moving on? Depending on the response, either go nc afterwards, or keep limited contact (if you feel able).

However, it was a milestone birthday for me recently (even more shit in lockdown) and one of my sisters sent me a text essentially saying; "Happy birthday! This is such a great time for you. I don't agree with how you've treated our family at all, and I'm not sure why you're treating me and other sister like this. I hope one day we can all work through it"

Honestly, this isn’t a birthday text, it’s a jab.

There is no olive branch in this.

@mrslizaminelli it’s your milestone birthday year, give yourself the biggest gift ever of PEACE and LOVE and BLOCK the whole sorry lot of them

If they wanted to ‘help’ this isn’t the way it would happen. Your instincts are correct here and you know it

Have you managed to have any therapy to help you through this?

Have you seen the Stately Homes threads on here? Hugely helpful

((Hug)))

Please make the choice to be happy, go NC and fly upwards and onward

You had a shit childhood and they had an even more shit childhood. I would have thought you'd be able to find some common ground.

The strangest thing by a country mile in your op is that you seem to be expecting these sisters who you don't want contact with to be doing "background work" on your parents on your behalf. That is really really odd thinking on your part.

I know she's complaining for the sake of making me feel bad, and she's definitely not doing any work behind the scenes to try and make my parents feel remorse / want to work through this

I know others think this background work idea odd, but I get it. I know why you think this.

But as you’ve identified, contact from them is designed to make you feel bad. So ignore it or better, block it.

They won’t ever do any fixing behind the scenes because they have all decided that you’re the scapegoat

They’re all cut from the same cloth as one another or are so enmeshed and codependent on each other that they can’t see how their set up is totally off and wrong.

You’ve broken free and that bothers them. They want you back in the boat.

So look at what people who love you say to you, people him who care, who want the best for you.

Bear any passing resemblance to anything that comes from your parents or sisters?

No. I bet it doesn’t

So trust those that make you feel happy/good/strong. Distance yourself from those who try to hurt or upset you.

I’ve done this. I know it’s hard, but it’s for the best for you and your own family

You've got a few odd responses on here, op.

I think you have done the right thing by cutting contact. I agree it would be best to cut contact with your sisters also.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

You had a shit childhood and they had an even more shit childhood. I would have thought you'd be able to find some common ground.

The strangest thing by a country mile in your op is that you seem to be expecting these sisters who you don't want contact with to be doing "background work" on your parents on your behalf. That is really really odd thinking on your part.

Well we don't know whose childhood was "worse" and it needn't be a competition. Unfortunately the fact that they all suffered means their relationship-building skills are damaged. Sometimes the only way forward is by staying apart. It doesn't mean either is at fault, it just means that repairs are beyond them.

Please come to the stately homes thread on the relationships board. You aren't alone in these experiences and there is much support and advice There. Maybe consider some therapy moving forward to support you with dealing with others outside your family and forge supportive relationships with others.

On the subject of not responding it’s hard but really the only option.

On receipt of things like this I try to stand back and think 🤔 is this a conversation I would choose? No? Opt out. End of.

However no approach I have tried in similar circumstances has lead to any validation of my feelings from other people. I have had to learn to be happy in my own skin. Liberating. Still grieve what might have been though.

In time you might find a ‘happy’ medium but it won’t start with manipulative texts like that x

Thank you so much to everyone who responded! Especially Singlemumma, that's such an excellent analogy and it's the first time I've heard it. I'll need to make a note of that and try to remember it when I doubt myself!

The strangest thing by a country mile in your op is that you seem to be expecting these sisters who you don't want contact with to be doing "background work" on your parents on your behalf. That is really really odd thinking on your part.

I feel if you're trying to push someone to do something they don't want to do, it might make sense to try and put in some "background work" to make the transition easier? E.g. everyone (myself included) admitting some mutual fault so a conversation to be had. Else it's pushing me to get back in contact with all the same problems. I don't know, maybe it's unreasonable but it seems illogical to me.

So you deliberately stopped talking to them to get a reaction. And you're now upset by the reaction and want to make them feel bad for reacting that way?

No, it wasn't to get a reaction. I'm not sure if you're in contact with your family, but when they're toxic even if you end things you still have small dregs of hope that this will be the event to make them care, I guess. That's (obviously) not my sole reason for doing things, I just mentioned it as time and time again it is proven I need to let that hope go.

Is she fully aware of how you were treated by your parents? Maybe they’ve been manipulated by parents/other sister into casting you as the baddie?

I think my parents have definitely pushed them into believing a certain narrative about me. But I've explained my piece and other than what my parents say, I don't think I've ever demonstrated the horrible traits my parents say I have. I think choosing to believe or understand me might shake up too much of their own world, and it's easier to bottle the pain and attach it to someone who isn't in your life anymore (i.e. me) than deal with it and learn to cope.

You had a shit childhood and they had an even more shit childhood. I would have thought you'd be able to find some common ground.

Not sure you can make this judgement based on the information provided - which is truly the absolute bare bones of this entire mess. They have had a rough childhood, and I was ALWAYS trying to bond with them (even when I was a toddler / small child) but I don't think saying "they have it worse" really helps anyone.

(sorry - not to hyperfocus on the negative responses! I do have a habit of doing that, they just seem to pop out at me. Thank you so much to the positive posters, I'm going to check out the Stately Homes thread)