Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Sister's manipulative birthday text

80 replies

mrslizaminelli · 16/02/2021 19:17

NC. Bit of backstory - I have two older half siblings from my father's divorce (both older than me). They had a turbulent upbringing, my mum was the OW and their mum was mentally ill so there was a difficult divorce and remarriage. They've never liked me because they see me as the "replacement child" and something to be jealous of, so they've always been quite harsh with me.

I lived with my mum and our dad during my childhood, my sisters moved out of the family home when I was quite young (they're a good amount of years older than me both). Anyway, my parents were both abused as children, and subsequently they're abusive themselves - primarily getting especially bad after my sisters moved out. A lot of my childhood was quite horrible, and I moved in with a boyfriend as soon as I was legally able to. If I went into detail it would be pages and pages, so I'll just say there was a lot of verbal abuse / mindgames / manipulation and some physical abuse.

I've not spoken to my family in about a year, which inexplicably has pissed my sisters off. They've both sent me some messages throughout the course of the year, where my parents have remained radio silent. However, it was a milestone birthday for me recently (even more shit in lockdown) and one of my sisters sent me a text essentially saying; "Happy birthday! This is such a great time for you. I don't agree with how you've treated our family at all, and I'm not sure why you're treating me and other sister like this. I hope one day we can all work through it".

(Not this word-for-word, but the general gist was "Happy birthday, but you're crazy and you're being inconvenient for no good reason". My other sister sent me a text a while back calling me a liar and telling me I needed to treat our parents with the "respect they deserved" yadda yadda).

Anyway, I'm irritated and it's always this gaslighting that makes me doubt myself. Just wanted to vent about it as it's these microaggressions that slip through the cracks and irritate me all over again. I know she's complaining for the sake of making me feel bad, and she's definitely not doing any work behind the scenes to try and make my parents feel remorse / want to work through this.

Advice, or a handhold would be massively appreciated (or even confirmation that I'm not mad and have made the right choice. Thank you, blessings). x

OP posts:

RaidersoftheLostAardvark · 16/02/2021 20:39

How you respond (and if you respond) would depend on whether you want to maintain contact with your half-sisters. If you do, I'd say 'thanks for the birthday wishes. I am no longer in contact with my parents because they were physically and mentally abusive to me as a child. I'd love to talk to you more but I will not be in contact with my parents in the future.'
If you don't want to keep in touch with them (and that decision is entirely yours to make) either don't respond & block, or say 'Thank for the birthday wishes. Sadly it is not in my best interests to be in touch with you, therefore I am now blocking your number. All the best for the future.' Then block.

JerichoGirl · 16/02/2021 20:43

god it's so sad, you and your sisters are paying the price for your difficult upbringings. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe from the family drama. You know from bitter experience that no good can come of it.

B33Fr33 · 16/02/2021 20:43

Don't acknowledge the texts. Go ahead and block them as they are siding with your parents. They are just reinforcing the abuse, you don't need that.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/02/2021 20:46

I'm another suggesting block, delete and get some therapy - because they've all fucked you over. I'm sorry you've been through this

MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest · 16/02/2021 20:49

Ignoring completely will get to them much more than anything else, trust me. I am the ignored in this scenario. Don't consider myself a winged monkey. Or toxic. Or manipulative. but I wouldn't, would I?! I have faults but to be NCed along with another relative hurt: my Dsis must have her reasons, just won't share them. Anyway, drives me crazy that she reads my whatsapps and never responds. I should give up sending her anything, to a certain degree I have, it's happy Xmas/birthday I do now, she could block but chooses not to. I could say sod this and stop but then history being retold would be me going NC not her. So I opt for meaningless LC with relatives.
My point - if you do not respond and never respond OP; it does send a loud message. She may not like it but no reply is a reply. And trust me, it's as effective a fuck you as writing that instead. I could block my relative and they would never know they were blocked as communications are one-sided anyway. I wish they would block me actually - as closure. If you do block yours mind, be aware that means they might not be able to let you know if something does happen wrt your parents unless they have your address of course. But you may not wish to know, in which case blocking is definitive. Take care x

Original poster

mrslizaminelli · 16/02/2021 20:50

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded so far! It's not healthy but when issues like this arise I sometimes need confirmation that I'm not insane. All of that gaslighting since I was a small child is still quite affecting, unfortunately! (but I'm working on it).

Also this quote; if you were ever the scapegoat they probably want you to go back to that role is so ridiculously spot on that I'm surprised I had never thought about it before. I've always been the scapegoat, they've had a two by two dynamic (my parents and my sisters support themselves and each other, and I'm kind of left as the punching bag I guess). E.g. all the anger my sisters had at my mum was taken out on me, because my dad was extremely protective over my mother and it was easier to pick a fight with me than incur his rage. My mum was one of the iciest women you could ever meet, totally withdrew affection whenever I upset her even in a reasonable teenage way which meant I usually had my dad and her on my back and my sisters would do anything to support my dad as they have unhealthy loyalty to him.

So incredibly toxic, I had hoped some time apart might have helped them realise they love me (in some very misguided Disney-movie way) but I guess now it's about letting go of that last shred of hope that I'll ever have the family / parents I always longed for.

Do you have better people who are close to you now? I hope so.

I have a lovely husband, but unfortunately he's not in contact with his family either (very toxic to both of us) so we're all alone in the world right now! I'm much happier though. Thank you for asking. x

OP posts:

MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest · 16/02/2021 20:53

Oh and that birthday message? Definitely not neutral. Barbed.
As to its sincerity, that would depend on how much contact you ever had - by the sounds of it, not a lot, so not sure why they miss you now.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/02/2021 20:57

If your parents are abusive and you were always the scapegoat then you removing yourself from your parents probably means that your parents are being more demanding, attention seeking or annoying in some way towards your sisters. They almost certainly don't care whether you are respectful or not towards your parents, or how you feel or what happened in the past, they just want you back in the picture so that the pressure is taken off them. But it's not up to you to be a buffer, they need to sort out their own family relationships themselves.

foxhat · 16/02/2021 20:57

OP this is so sad to hear. It's horrible when the people near you want to pretend bad things didn't happen but it usually happens when that would cause their defenses to be challenged and they're not ready for that. The idea that you need to treat your parents 'with respect' is abusive if they are using you protecting yourself from damaging interactions as evidence of that 'lack of respect'. I really feel for you as it is so natural to want to be loved by your family. It's also really hard for some people with loving families to realise just how much hard other families can to. I'm LC wth most of my family and to be honest it's been an absolute blessing. So glad you have a loving husband. Personally I would advise not saying anything to your sisters as they will not hear anything you say and will use it as further evidence of whatever spin they are putting on things. Responding will just stir up more drama and that can only change when they have worked through some issues for themselves.

MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest · 16/02/2021 21:00

it's about letting go of that last shred of hope that I'll ever have the family / parents I always longed for

Been there. You can't change people. You won't ever get an apology.

This guy's good.

Greenevalley · 16/02/2021 21:02

Have you got nice friends though?
My best friend is my favourite company. Family is often overrated.

Original poster

mrslizaminelli · 16/02/2021 21:04

Have you got nice friends though?

I would love that, but unfortunately no. I struggle to find people I can form a solid friendship with, but I live in hope!

OP posts:

Greenevalley · 16/02/2021 21:10

I hope so too.
For years I just had my school friend and she’s still my bf.
As I’ve got older though I am better at forming friendships that may just be fairly short term but enjoyable at the time.

Mrsmadevans · 16/02/2021 21:13

@B3ttyBoop

Nope this is guilt tripping and bullying you back into the situation.. The cynical part of me says your parents are older and getting more difficult to deal with. Also if you were ever the scapegoat they probably want you to go back to that role.

This definitely, stay NC for your sake OP , good luck!

Joeblack066 · 16/02/2021 21:21

@NovemberR

I'd send a message back saying, Just fuck off, bitch. You're not my sister, you've been a cow all my life and I'm blocking you now.

And I'd send the same to the other one.

Yep. This.

partyatthepalace · 16/02/2021 21:30

I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult experience. It’s impressive you got through it.

The only solution is to block them and not respond at all. They aren’t doing you any good, and they will hinder your progress. You’ve done so well to move forward, don’t let them pull you back.

MonroeNotManson · 16/02/2021 21:42

I feel you, I have a very similar story, even down to the manipulative milestone birthday message from my sibling, and constantly being told I'm the difficult one who is exaggerating the abuse (read refusing to sweep it under the carpet). I've cut contact with both my abusive mother and eventually my sister after realising she wasn't ever going to stop bullying and gaslighting me. The peace is bliss.

expat101 · 16/02/2021 21:53

As tempting as it is to want to reply to defend yourself, it's just feeding the animal and they will come back for more... by not engaging with them, they will become more agitated but it won't be from anything you have said.

Delete and block. Walk away from them. Your half sister's text is not appropriate.

DisappearingGirl · 16/02/2021 22:02

Oh you poor thing. They all sound horrid. It is them not you.

I wouldn't respond to the texts at all and would continue to stay away from the lot of them.

jayegee · 16/02/2021 22:16

My husband completely cut off his abusive mother and father, and later cut off his sister because interacting with him only made him feel stressed and upset.

There was a time when I encouraged him to mend the fences, but that was before I internalised how much pain they had caused, and were causing him. He has since cut off contact with them, with my full support, and has set strict parameters for family members he remains in contact with.

I also ceased interacting with my own emotionally, physically and sexually abusive stepfather as soon as I had the opportunity.

We are both happier for the decisions we made to limit the influence of abusive/toxic individuals on our lives.

This isn't to say that it's what you need to do; I just want to express my sincere empathy for your situation and affirm that you are entitled to make decisions about who you interact with and under what conditions.

PetalPosyPinks · 16/02/2021 22:32

Often when you read theses reads, you wonder about the toxic nature of everyone.

You lived through a difficult marriage and extended family situation
When a teenager, you didn’t think you got the love you deserved.
Neither you nor your husband speak to your toxic parents.

You don’t make friends easily.

It’s not just your parents.

Be kinder to yourself.
Don’t listen to idiots on here and seek their approval of your own odd behaviour, and their are some very damaging long running threads on here.

Don’t speak to your family if you don’t want to.

Be nice if you do speak to them

There are no rule books for parents, they all have their own problems, your family included, which you even alluded to.

Life is too short.

Make your self happy.
Don’t be cruel to others.

PetalPosyPinks · 16/02/2021 22:34

Internalise, express and affirm the heck out of everything.

If you don’t like them, don’t speak to them anymore, and make everyone happy

PetalPosyPinks · 16/02/2021 22:37

Gaslighting...is such an irritating term..you’d be better off watching the film, than listening to any advice on here, form anone.

And my advice is watch a funny, pleasant film, read some good books.
And concentrate on having a better happier life

Original poster

mrslizaminelli · 16/02/2021 22:38

Gaslighting...is such an irritating term..

Could I ask why? I tend to use it frequently to describe my experiences.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 16/02/2021 22:41

If they're a pair of bitches, they'll pick apart any reply you send, so don't give them the satisfaction by reacting to the text.

Flip

1 2 3 4