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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Open relationship, period is late (help!)

107 replies

stressbabe · 16/02/2021 18:02

Name changed.

TL;DR, I had an open relationship with my husband for about a month, I slept with one person (unprotected, awful I know). He realised he didn't want an open relationship and we were contemplating divorce, but recently decided to try couples' counselling instead and are working on buying a house soon. So far, so good.

However, my period was meant to arrive on the on the 30th Jan - 3rd Feb (usually around that time) and it hasn't arrived. I slept with the other guy about a week and a half ago. How likely is this to just be stress, rather than an unexpected pregnancy? I'm worried that the stress delayed my fertile period. The other man did pull out but he said he "hoped I was on the pill". I took a test a little while back which was negative, but haven't taken one since I slept with the OM. I'm quite scared and I'm putting off taking a test as I'm worried about the results, I'm really hoping my period will come soon and it will just have been because of stress.

Sorry, I don't know if that makes any sense and please try not to slate me too hard. I'm aware I've made some real errors in judgement here.

OP posts:

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 20:44

Can I ask why you had unprotected sexual @stressbabe?

Presumably you wanted to get pregnant?

So, therefore what's the issue if you are?

Good luck with the house move, hope it's sorted before the stamp duty is back being charged.

Jackie2022 · 16/02/2021 20:47

Erm, in the nicest way possible, even if the baby is your husband’s, you know this isn’t a good situation to bring a child into. You were contemplating divorce 5 seconds ago

MrsBrunch · 16/02/2021 20:53

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

The om hoped you were on the pill? This comes under sexual assault, never mind open marriage

It really doesn't.

1Morewineplease · 16/02/2021 20:54

If you're going to sleep around then you'll have to accept the consequences.
Sorry.

Original poster

stressbabe · 16/02/2021 20:57

Can I ask why you had unprotected sexual?

As weak as it sounds, I have sexual & boundary issues and he didn't offer to use one so I didn't ask. Will sound completely spineless and stupid (which it is) but I have an unfortunate history. I'm seeking some help, I'm aware it was a lapse in judgement and I'm not putting myself in that position again.

Presumably you wanted to get pregnant?

No, potentially the worst circumstances possible to get pregnant. I would like to have children, but not in these circumstances and not with any paternity concerns.

If you're going to sleep around then you'll have to accept the consequences.

If you'd like to berate me for being an idiot then you'd be probably completely fair, but (whenever possible) it would be great if we could leave the slut-shaming at the door. I slept with one person.

OP posts:

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 21:01

@stressbabe if you don't have boundaries about not having unprotected sex, then you have options? Take precautions yourself? Don't have an open relationship?

Deal with your issues, get the help you need. I'm not sure that this is coupled counselling though, it sounds you need help yourself.

Original poster

stressbabe · 16/02/2021 21:03

if you don't have boundaries about not having unprotected sex, then you have options? Take precautions yourself? Don't have an open relationship?

Trying to do the last one, hence the couples counselling etc. Need to look into individual counselling too, I agree, but it's hard to find someone who specialises in all the issues I'd need help with (and I have some bad experiences with prior counselling so it's an extra stumbling block)

OP posts:

Motnight · 16/02/2021 21:04

Admirable time management skills, Op.

In all seriousness I hope that you aren't pregnant.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 16/02/2021 21:04

Please can you learn about consent. If you asked him to wear a condom and he didn't, yes it is sexual assault. Doesn't matter how light hearted he is afterwards. If you gave him consent to have sex with you without a condom then prgnany and STIs are the logical outcome so you probably need to explore that

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 21:04

@stressbabe how do you think your husband will cope with an unplanned and potentially not his child pregnancy?

You need to do a test and decide what's going to happen.

Original poster

stressbabe · 16/02/2021 21:08

Admirable time management skills, Op.

Yes, I'm sure there's an events planning job out there for me somewhere! I'd even schedule in the mental breakdowns, free of charge

(just a joke, I am taking this seriously)

how do you think your husband will cope with an unplanned and potentially not his child pregnancy?

I think he would be supportive, probably after some time and various (understandable) freakouts. Of course, it would be easier if it were his - if it weren't, I know the OM wouldn't be around to support the child and I think I would have to seriously consider abortion at that point.

OP posts:

MrsBrunch · 16/02/2021 21:10

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

She didn't ask him to wear a condom. She willingly had unprotected sex. That was clear from the start.

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 21:10

@stressbabe total logical answer, I suggest you do a test,

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 21:12

@CherryDocsInYrBalls she didn't ask him to wear a condom, so again who is the sexual assault victim?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/02/2021 21:20

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

She didn't ask him to wear a condom. A condom was never discussed based on what OP said, so I think while consent is a critical debate in general it is irrelevant to this particular incident.

imalmostthere · 16/02/2021 21:28

Did you ask for an open relationship in order to sleep with this other man?
It seems a bit strange you decided you wanted one, slept with the guy and then decided you didn't, and decided to buy a house - all in the space of a couple weeks.
Take a pregnancy test, get some counselling and have a serious think about what you want.

Original poster

stressbabe · 16/02/2021 21:31

Did you ask for an open relationship in order to sleep with this other man?

No, we agreed on the open relationship and then I met the OM on a dating app a little while later.

OP posts:

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 16/02/2021 21:33

My mistake, I didn't realise you were all there to witness her full consent for penetrative unprotected sex. I read it as something "awful" and OP needs counselling to get help with her "boundaries". I for one have alarm bells ringing with what you're saying about being drunk and what he said to you afterwards, which I find disgusting, not light hearted. How dare he?
Consent is crucial so counselling for your boundaries sounds good and if indeed you did give him your full consent, looking at why you are engaging in such risky behaviour (added risk of contracting covid and passing it on to your husband) and seeking out an om who is clearly also a massive risk taker

Five67Eight · 16/02/2021 21:34

Yes, it’s possible that your period is late due to stress. And, as you can see, some people have had this happen to them.

However, if you have unprotected sex and then your period is late, it’s also possible you’re pregnant. So other people’s experience gives you nothing, other than a false sense of security.

Take a test.

Put the house-buying on ice.

I truly hope you’re not pregnant.

Five67Eight · 16/02/2021 21:37

Cherry is right. Saying ‘I hope you’re on the pill after pulling out is fucking reckless. He doesn’t give a shit, does he?

Clearly the OP doesn’t give enough of a shit about herself either, which is really not great. And she clearly recognises that.

Jobsharenightmare · 16/02/2021 21:38

I feel so sorry for your husband agreeing to try this to keep you happy and then feeling he couldn't go through with it but it was too late.

If God forbid you have a disease now from this online stranger it might change your whole lives, even without a baby. In terms of risk there are so many things you have done in the last month that are risky I agree you need professional help. Best of luck OP.

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 21:38

@CherryDocsInYrBalls she sought out a sexual
partner to facilitate her want for an open relationship,

She is an adult, in charge of her own sexual needs and wants,

I appreciate that many women are abused.

But no where in this do I read she didn't give sexual consent.

She may have boundary issues around sex, but the partner she actively sought out for sex is not privy to those. He assumed a willing sexual partner, was just that.

strawberriesatmypicnic · 16/02/2021 21:38

Ooops !

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 16/02/2021 21:46

I don't know if you've heard but we are in the middle of a thing called lockdown . Apparently you are not meant to ho within 2m of people you don't live with?
Maybe have a google?

Incrediblytired · 16/02/2021 21:47

Do a digital test that tells you how many weeks you are. It’ll either be “not pregnant” or “# weeks pregnant”. Then you’ll know.

Also pleeeease stop having unprotected sex if you don’t want a baby.

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