To think I've messed my life up?

[FatandSad21]

I'm in need of some honest advice.

DH and I have been TTC for 10 years now. I'm 34. It's my weight that's stopping us. I'm basically 28 stone at 5ft10 and I would need to lose 10 stone to just squeeze under the threshold for BMI cut off at a private clinic for IVF.

I've been trying to lose the weight for 10 years too. I've done every diet imaginable, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, fad diets, intuitive eating, calorie counting. I think I'm relatively fit for someone of my size (or I was, pre Covid) but I can only manage to ever lose four stone at the most before it creeps back on.

I feel like I've ruined my life because of it. All I've ever wanted to be is a mum. I always wanted a big family and I doubt I will have any children now. I may or may not have PCOS, testing has been inconclusive, but I don't really have periods and they've never been regular, even when I was young and not overweight. I've tried clomid but it didn't make me ovulate.

I'm a comfort eater. I also struggle with my life in general. DH and I have a successful business together but it's just work, not something I'm passionate about. I don't have really have any friends and I'm close to my Mum but she's the only family I really see and we used to meet up once every couple of weeks. DH works long, long hours out of the house while I work from home and I'm incredibly lonely. I turn to food for everything; comfort, satisfaction, to make me feel less lonely. I've tried having hobbies to fill that hole (everything from crochet to weight lifting) and it works for a while but then I get anxious about it or work gets in the way and I fall out of good habits and back into my old, bad ones. I go in a cycle, just over and over and over again. I'm so tired of it.

I've had bits of counselling, though mainly for grief and anxiety/depression. I would love to find a really good counsellor to see regularly as I think my issue is psychological but we are from a bit of a poorer area and don't have a lot of private services like that.

I don't know what to do now. I'm miserable. I don't know where to go. I'm scared to have an operation like a gastric band after a friend had a bad experience with it. But I can't go on living this miserable, regretful, lonely life for the next however many years.

AIBU to think I've fucked my life up beyond repair?

There is always hope. If you run a successful business with stable finance would you consider surgery although not a quick fix it would give you the best chance of weight loss attend overeaters anonymous too for extra support.
If I was in your position I'd have an operation.

Please watch Carb Addiction Doc on YouTube. He is a bariatric surgeon who deals with the emotional side of obesity. His videos are very very clear and spell things out so well. He performs gastric bands but also says that some people don't need them and can essentially cut out carbs to lose weight.

I really feel for you.

Good luck.

Do your research on positive gastric band operations too. ❤

I would also have the op and make sure you have support in place afterwards. Go for it op!

Sorry to jump in again but periods do stop hormones change and Facial hair appears from obesity you might get pregnant naturally when you lose it.

A good friend of mine had a crap experience with gastric band, and eventually went for a bypass. She's now normal bmi and looking fantabulous. But you do need to stick with the management plan.

This is entirely reversible, you haven’t messed up your life

Other will have better advice re: weightless, but there are lots of therapists who do therapy online now because of Covid, so if you can afford to go private then there are lots of therapists who could see you at your convenience

My neighbour had one she is like a cut out of her old self she looks amazing.
She couldn't binge even if she wanted to it took the decision out of her hands.

I'm just honestly so terrified at the thought of having a surgery. I've never had one before. I'm terrified at the thought of being put to sleep, and I don't have any real support and wouldn't be able to take time off work.

I've thought a lot about surgery, and I know DH would probably like me to have it, but I just don't think I could do it.

Your choice here is pretty stark. You need to lose 10 stone and the best you've been able to achieve through dieting and calorie counting is 4 stone (and that didn't really stick long term).

I think you need to accept that you're not going to drop the weight you need in the time you have left using those methods. Your choice is surgery or accepting your circumstances as they are and making your peace with it.

I think you probably need to address the emotional side of why you eat. I need to lose about six stone and mine is very much emotional stress eating. Have you considered therapy?

My husband had a gastric sleeve nearly 3 years ago and he says it's the best thing he has ever done

I had a mini gastric bypass and it was honestly the best thing I ever did OP. My only regret was that I didn’t do it sooner. Went from obese to a BMI 20. No issues apart from really smelly poo and a bit of reflux a couple times a year. But the first 6 weeks post op are tough and you need to stick to a very strict diet. You’ll need support from DH. Do your research and get the help you need.

I feel for you OP you sound sad. I can imagine the thought of surgery is scary, but so is the prospect of a life without children surely? Which scares you more? Weightloss surgery can be immensely successful, there are risks but do please research it properly. It can really help people like you who haven’t managed to loose the weight in any other way.

I also encourage you to seek more/better therapy, there must be psychological reasons for your chronic overeating. At 28 stone it is difficult to imagine you are “relatively fit”. Even without the difficulties conceiving this is putting an enormous strain on your health. I’m not judging you at all (I don’t struggle with food but I have struggled with alcohol so I know what it is like to self destruct and be unable to stop).

You deserve to be happy and healthy and you deserve to be the mum you so much want to be. I wonder if somewhere deep down you reject the thought of surgery because you don’t feel you deserve to be happy? (You do!) Please have a chat with your GP about weight loss surgery or other options.

Warm wishes OP. You sound ace and I hope you will be a mum one day x

Oh bless you. It's hard when you reflect on life and have big regrets. I also have some, although not about weight.

Given you've tried dieting for 10 years, I think it's safe to say this isn't the solution for you.

You realise that you have areas of deep unhappiness and loneliness in your life. I would suggest you address these as best you can and asap. If you need more value and interest in your career, can you afford to volunteer in something you're passionate about? Kids, animals, environment etc.

Re friends, do you know why this is? Is it your confidence? Time? Inability to connect to others? Are you shy? It's never too late to make friends, never. And youd be surprised how many adults don't consider themselves to have close friends. it's very normal to have only a few close people (DH, mum for example).

Have you considered weight loss surgery?

Re therapy, would you consider online therapy? It's all that available now really and for some people it's just as effective. The benefit is you can choose whoever you want.

Chin up lovely, things will get better for you I promise. You're not alone x

That is very true @NotDavidTennant and something I think I need to realise.

With surgery though, I kind of don't understand how it works really, as I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat for comfort. So wouldn't I still do that? Or is that the point that even if you do eat for comfort, you can't physically eat anywhere near as much?

I have a friend who lost 9 stone with a gastric sleeve.
Do some research on that. I know you don't like the idea of it but for you, it would be life changing. Its not too late to be a mum. You could be the position for IVF in 2 years if you take the leap.

Feel free to DM me. I am not far from your age & I'm not exactly skinny so I can empathise. I'm a good listener too!

Have you tried hypnotherapy? Not the one-hit "gastric band" type. It's expensive and you'd need to go weekly until you reached your healthy weight ideally.

You're stuck in a pattern of habits and thoughts you need to move out of.

@FatandSad21

That is very true *@NotDavidTennant* and something I think I need to realise.

With surgery though, I kind of don't understand how it works really, as I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat for comfort. So wouldn't I still do that? Or is that the point that even if you do eat for comfort, you can't physically eat anywhere near as much?

You wouldn't be able to eat at the capacity you are currently but yes it wouldn't take away your comfort eating issues. You'd need to address those separately.

@Freshstart2014 that's positive to hear. How much weight has he lost, can I ask?

[quote FatandSad21]@Freshstart2014 that's positive to hear. How much weight has he lost, can I ask?[/quote]
He has lost 9 stone altogether. He wishes he had done it sooner and does t regret it for a moment

I started a thread a while ago in the weight loss section- it’s called contemplating bariatric surgery. It’s worth have a look. Both myself and a number of other posters have had the operation since. Personally I’m 25% of my total body weight down in 4 months

OP, don't turn to surgery. Many people who had had a gastric band have put the weight back on. Your emotional eating is because of patterns held in your subconscious. It is that that needs to change.

I am a Solution Focused Hypnotherapist and I have worked with many clients to lose the weight and they have kept it off for many years because their behaviours have been changed. This is why many people try lots of diets but put the weight back on eventually because their emotional behavioural patterns are still there. It is that that needs to change and once it changes the weight will drop off.

@messageskeepgettingclearer I'm not sure what the issue is when it comes to friendships, I've always been the same, even from being little I never really had any friends.

I was once described as an "emergency friend" and it's really stuck with me. I've always been the person that was there to talk to if no one else was, never really anyone's first choice. Although strangely enough I never had the same problem when it came to romantic relationships? Just friendly ones.

I often wonder what's wrong with me in that regard. I think, we all know someone who is naturally charismatic and that people gravitate to and I think I'm just the opposite.