To think I've messed my life up?

[FatandSad21]

I'm in need of some honest advice.

DH and I have been TTC for 10 years now. I'm 34. It's my weight that's stopping us. I'm basically 28 stone at 5ft10 and I would need to lose 10 stone to just squeeze under the threshold for BMI cut off at a private clinic for IVF.

I've been trying to lose the weight for 10 years too. I've done every diet imaginable, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, fad diets, intuitive eating, calorie counting. I think I'm relatively fit for someone of my size (or I was, pre Covid) but I can only manage to ever lose four stone at the most before it creeps back on.

I feel like I've ruined my life because of it. All I've ever wanted to be is a mum. I always wanted a big family and I doubt I will have any children now. I may or may not have PCOS, testing has been inconclusive, but I don't really have periods and they've never been regular, even when I was young and not overweight. I've tried clomid but it didn't make me ovulate.

I'm a comfort eater. I also struggle with my life in general. DH and I have a successful business together but it's just work, not something I'm passionate about. I don't have really have any friends and I'm close to my Mum but she's the only family I really see and we used to meet up once every couple of weeks. DH works long, long hours out of the house while I work from home and I'm incredibly lonely. I turn to food for everything; comfort, satisfaction, to make me feel less lonely. I've tried having hobbies to fill that hole (everything from crochet to weight lifting) and it works for a while but then I get anxious about it or work gets in the way and I fall out of good habits and back into my old, bad ones. I go in a cycle, just over and over and over again. I'm so tired of it.

I've had bits of counselling, though mainly for grief and anxiety/depression. I would love to find a really good counsellor to see regularly as I think my issue is psychological but we are from a bit of a poorer area and don't have a lot of private services like that.

I don't know what to do now. I'm miserable. I don't know where to go. I'm scared to have an operation like a gastric band after a friend had a bad experience with it. But I can't go on living this miserable, regretful, lonely life for the next however many years.

AIBU to think I've fucked my life up beyond repair?

You will need bariatric surgery. They should have counselling to address your concerns and perhaps put you in touch with people on other side who understand.
Not bariatric surgery but I had a very risky operation 5 years ago. I’d lived with condition for years having temporary fix surgery under general anaesthetic every few months. I was existing not living. What gave me final push to have surgery which has transformed my life was being referred to world leading consultant for condition who I had confidence in (on nhs), joining a Facebook support group - seeing other ladies had had successful outcomes, feeling I had no choice I simply couldn’t carry on as I was poor quality of life and I knew I was at risk keep having general anaesthetic. Last one sounds negative but it actually made decision easier - I had no choice it was only viable option.
Good luck. I’ve gone on to Lose 5 stone on SlimmingWorld. I follow some ladies who have lost large amounts of weight and who have fallen pregnant naturally after weight loss with longed for babies. You may find you don’t need ivf.

[quote FatandSad21]@messageskeepgettingclearer I'm not sure what the issue is when it comes to friendships, I've always been the same, even from being little I never really had any friends.

I was once described as an "emergency friend" and it's really stuck with me. I've always been the person that was there to talk to if no one else was, never really anyone's first choice. Although strangely enough I never had the same problem when it came to romantic relationships? Just friendly ones.

I often wonder what's wrong with me in that regard. I think, we all know someone who is naturally charismatic and that people gravitate to and I think I'm just the opposite.[/quote]
Well you genuinely come across lovely here. Ive found work and baby stuff easiest ways of making friends. I wonder if you working from home has been a big limiter to the friends you've made.

Friends aren't everything though and can be overrated. But equally it's nice to have someone you can at least have a little chat with every now and then x

@seriouslyconfused3 wow, really? That's amazing. I will go and have a look for that thread now, thank you. Did you go privately or NHS? And how long did it take to have the surgery from deciding it was something you wanted to do?

oa.org

@FatandSad21 I went privately. I think I booked in may and the op late September (it would have been sooner but there were Covid delays and I got poorly the day before my op was due). It’s not easy- so anyone who says it’s the easy way out are completely misinformed but it is life changing. I emotionally eat too- but this really limits what you can have and it’s also given my metabolism a huge kickstart too. For me personally it has been life changing and the mn thread is so supportive so definitely come join, even if decide not to go the surgery route everyone is super helpful and welcoming

Comfort eating is a difficult one. The problem is that when you are in emotional pain, food (sugar in particular for me) can fix it instantly, but then you inevitably feel worse later. It’s a classic addiction, although worse in a way because you can’t stop eating completely like an alcoholic would avoid alcohol.

Overeating refined carbohydrates really messes with insulin levels, which causes reproductive chaos. I’m not sure about the surgery route as I don’t know enough about it, but while you decide, I think there are some positive steps you can take.

Look up Jason Fung and Nadia Pateguana - they have a book about managing PCOS. Nadia talks a lot about using diet to help people get pregnant (there are videos and podcasts around too). The advice boils down to eat fewer carbs and eat less often. In practice, this looks like trying to limit yourself to eating in, say, an 8-hour window every day and getting more calories from fat rather than sugar.

If you have PCOS then dropping the weight can help so much for it. I would get the op and then you might not need ivf, you never know. If your DH is supportive then even better.

@TwinklyLaughNot

oa.org

Yes try OA it saved my life and even if you have surgery you still need to deal with life/your feelings.

@TwinklyLaughNot @longcoffeebreak I've heard good things about OA but it's something I haven't tried as there wasn't a meeting near me but I've just seen they are doing online meetings so I will seriously look at those. Thank you. Did you lose weight while attending meetings, or did it help with your food issues?

It really does sound as though you need to sort out the underlying emotional issues before any kind of op, because the urge to eat emotionally isn't going to disappear under general anaesthetic. For what it's worth as well, you sound lovely, OP, and definitely someone who would be a good friend, not an 'emergency' one, which is a horrid way to describe anyone!

You're still young and so many things can change. I've experience of a family member having had bariatric surgery. Unfortunately in their case the fact that they had a lifetime of obesity and many other issues wasn't ever explored. They did lose weight and the surgery probably saved their life but I don't think it should ever be offered without counseling.Their main issue was fizzy drinks and I mean literally gallons of them every day.They quickly realized that if they drank fizzy drinks with meals they could eat as usual.
Have an honest exchange with your gp and set yourself some realistic goals. You've so many reasons why you need to improve your health generally.

If you get pregnant there is a chance you might end up under GA to get the baby out (there is a chance of that for all of us). So if it is a price worth paying at the birth end of pregnancy, is it also a price worth paying to get to conception?

Losing weight is tough with PCOS. Not impossible, but hard. I agree with others who have suggested at least considering bariatric surgery. Yes, there are risks, but (even ignoring your fertility issues) you are risk of other obesity related illnesses right now. You haven't messed your life up, you have plenty of time to address your weight and potentially conceive. Is your doctor helpful/ could you talk to them and ask for help and a referral to discuss surgery?

Hi OP,
Your work sounds problematic. Your OH being out of the house for long hours while you are lonely working from home leaving you lacking the company of either your partner or any colleagues.

You describe you would struggle to take the time away from work to recover from surgery. That makes me wonder if you struggle to take time off work (what would be annual leave for an employed person) or a holiday (pre covid). Does work also make any regular hobbies impossible?

Are there any changes that can be made here? You describe the business as successful. Could you employ someone or outsource some of what you do? Could your partner employ someone or subcontract or simply turn additional work down after a certain point.

I understand improving your work life balance won"t solve everything for you but it might give you a boost in your mental strength and wellbeing to tackle other areas.

Gastric bands have a very high failure rate and are generally not recommended. I had a gastric sleeve and have lost 8 stone.

The prospect of surgery is scary and you have to research to make sure it’s the right option for you, but the results do speak for themselves, and regain risk is very low for weightloss patients.

Don’t think of it as a diet, change your eating habits and start walking

If you want to be a mum so much surely that should push you to lose the weight? It’s either you lose the weight or you can’t have a child. Gastric surgery isn’t the quick solution people think, on the NHS it’s a lengthy process and you would be subject to psychology assessments and have to lose a certain percentage of your body weight before being approved for surgery and with the current pandemic you could be looking at 4+ years.

You have not messed up.

You are successful and can turn this around. Calorie count and if you have to use a trainer to help re frame your thinking around food.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Start a thread on gastric sleeves or bypass you'll get a better idea although I see positive stories from pp's.
OA will give you fantastic support it'll be tough to lose 14 stone at least through diet? Do you have the time with your fertility? You're time poor I'd book the op and join OA.

Surgery really can help people when everything else has failed. Remember, you are NOT a failure, the diets are. I would advise counselling to help you address your emotional eating. Most diets and slimming clubs are great for a time but most people find they get to a certain point and get bored with restricting themselves all the time or other things happen and the weight piles back on. Also, stress plays a huge part in weight gain. Scientists are only just beginning to understand how weight works and that it is nowhere near as simple as calories in/calories out. When there is a very large amount of weight to lose, as you have, a gastric bypass or sleeve really can make a huge difference. Good luck.

Oh, forgot to mention the books by Tim Spector: Spoon Fed and The Diet Myth and Why We Eat (Too Much). They give new insight into the problem.

Sorry, Why We Eat (Too Much) is by Dr. Andrew Jenkinson.

Hi OP, I was overweight when after 10 year ttc we finally conceived dc via icis. It is totally possible. You have the biggest advantage on your side in that you are still young. I had dc at 39. So having number 2 has been problematic. When you finally get to ivf, and you will, you will find that you have to get into a very focused mindset weight loss is part of that. You really need to put every ounce of your being into it. There are weight loss boards on fertilityfriends and group support is amazing because everyone has the same goal. I really recommend joining them both for the ttc support and weight loss for conception.

I don’t have the answer for the weight loss, for me I just found that worked BUT again it wasn’t easy but the driving force was to hold a baby and that took a lot of visualisation and believing that it could be true. Get yourself into the zone and push yourself. You really can do it.

Have you tried a weight loss coach ?