To think I've messed my life up?

[FatandSad21]

I'm in need of some honest advice.

DH and I have been TTC for 10 years now. I'm 34. It's my weight that's stopping us. I'm basically 28 stone at 5ft10 and I would need to lose 10 stone to just squeeze under the threshold for BMI cut off at a private clinic for IVF.

I've been trying to lose the weight for 10 years too. I've done every diet imaginable, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, fad diets, intuitive eating, calorie counting. I think I'm relatively fit for someone of my size (or I was, pre Covid) but I can only manage to ever lose four stone at the most before it creeps back on.

I feel like I've ruined my life because of it. All I've ever wanted to be is a mum. I always wanted a big family and I doubt I will have any children now. I may or may not have PCOS, testing has been inconclusive, but I don't really have periods and they've never been regular, even when I was young and not overweight. I've tried clomid but it didn't make me ovulate.

I'm a comfort eater. I also struggle with my life in general. DH and I have a successful business together but it's just work, not something I'm passionate about. I don't have really have any friends and I'm close to my Mum but she's the only family I really see and we used to meet up once every couple of weeks. DH works long, long hours out of the house while I work from home and I'm incredibly lonely. I turn to food for everything; comfort, satisfaction, to make me feel less lonely. I've tried having hobbies to fill that hole (everything from crochet to weight lifting) and it works for a while but then I get anxious about it or work gets in the way and I fall out of good habits and back into my old, bad ones. I go in a cycle, just over and over and over again. I'm so tired of it.

I've had bits of counselling, though mainly for grief and anxiety/depression. I would love to find a really good counsellor to see regularly as I think my issue is psychological but we are from a bit of a poorer area and don't have a lot of private services like that.

I don't know what to do now. I'm miserable. I don't know where to go. I'm scared to have an operation like a gastric band after a friend had a bad experience with it. But I can't go on living this miserable, regretful, lonely life for the next however many years.

AIBU to think I've fucked my life up beyond repair?

Speak to your GP about the saxenda injection pen. Originally made for diabetics but does help weight loss

A while food plant based diet can be very effective. You haven't messed your life up. CBT might be helpful to address unhelpful thoughts. Best of luck x

Which of the two do you think you'll look back on and think 'what if'? Are you more likely to spend years regretting taking your chances with some form of gastric surgery or not taking the chance and thinking you lost the opportunity of motherhood. There are no guarantees either way so it must be really hard but life with regret is the worst kind of life

You haven’t messed up your life. You have enough time to sort this and make your dreams come true, but you don’t have any spare time to not sort it. Lots of people have given you great advice about the surgery and therapy/hypnotherapy. I’ve had hypnotherapy for other things and it was brilliant and made a huge difference.

I’d also recommend looking at the body fx fitness programme, they have a Facebook support group that’s so lovely and lots of people have lost huge amounts of weight through it and pulled themselves out of depression/alcohol problems at the same time. It’s dance based workouts and everything can be modified to work for you where you are.

Good luck. You are worth it, and you can do this. Just make a plan and go for it.

Seeing as you are really miserable now then surely you need to take a leap of faith and have the op. At least have a consultation and see what options are open to you. When you get to 28 stone then it can become an insurmountable challenge to lose weight. Get help and stay positive. I have family and friends who have had the op and it has been truly life changing for them. Your life can change and nothing you are talking about is irreversible

Oh OP.

I’m so sorry. No, you absolutely haven’t buggered up your life. You are still so young and have so much ahead. You’ve got a DH and a successful business - those are huge achievements!!

When lockdown ends you can work on friendships; you only need a couple of mates to go places with or one or two good friends to chat to. I think Mush is an app for meeting friends? Maybe try the WI? Lots more young women at it now.

Try little things to keep the weight off, and be consistent. No fizzy drinks, no chocolate or crisps or cake in the house- just three square (healthy) meals a day and fruit for snacks. Do a daily walk - that will help you lose weight. Keep doing that every day, and the rest will follow.

I wish you well.

You haven’t messed your whole life up. You still have time. With the amount of weight you have to lose gastric surgery is needed. I watched a great documentary once (UK based) about why past a certain point it becomes impossible to do it any other way. They also focussed a lot on needing to be ready mentally and follow up support to avoid regaining the weight.

My aunt had gastric surgery a few years ago. It took her a long time to get to a point where they were happy to do the surgery on her. A lot of counseling and I know OA featured too.
It has changed her life. I think she wishes she had done it a lot sooner. Especially as she is still dealing with side effects of having been so overweight for so long (mainly in her joints).
If I were you I would start that work now. You are 34, so even if it took 2-3 years to qualify for the surgery and another year or 2 to lose the weight, you’d still be under 40 when starting IVF (assuming you still needed it).

At this point I'd go for the operation - I know it's scary but once its done you still have plenty of time to have children. The alternative is to be at the same weight in 5 years time, still looking for a magic solution and with less chance of having children. You seem to have tried so many times which would suggest that no matter what the solution, motivation alone isn't enough. I understand you are frightened of surgery, but realistically, if you get pregnant and are very overweight, you're also much more likely to require a c-section. Surgery is a big deal, but it's potentially the only thing between you and your dream.

I think you would benefit from regularly seeing a counsellor and talking to a dietician. This is cheaper than having a gastric band and IVF. I used to be really underweight and I struggled to gain weight. It was difficult and took a long time, but I was determined. I don’t want a low weight to impact my fertility and health. This is similar to you, it’s just that we’re opposite sides of the spectrum.

Hello OP - I'm also on the bariatric surgery thread you should definitely come and have a read.

I had a sleeve gastrectomy in October last year and have lost 6 stone.

I was previously a big emotional eater and was diagnosed with binge eating disorder so I had psychotherapy for about 3 months before my op.

It was so so helpful my head was messed up from years of different diets but it was actually not nearly as difficult to 'fix' as I had previously thought.

I was terrified of general anaesthetic too, but more terrified of my increased risk of dying or being seriously ill with covid.

That is what made me book, but it might be wanting to conceive for you - everyone has their own motivation.

I'm so glad I had the op - it has changed my life already. I finally don't hate myself for the first time in at least 15 years - definitely worth the money.

I had my surgery done privately as the NHS had previously told me I was 'too dysfunctional' and they couldn't/wouldn't help me.

Please do pm if you have any questions.

Thank you all so much for such kind replies. I had donned my hard hat posting on AIBU, I thought I would get some harsh responses.

I have booked an appointment to speak to a consultant in regards to weight loss surgery for next week. I was up most of the night reading as much as I could and I do feel like it's my only realistic choice now.

That's brilliant news :-)

Well done OP for making that first step.
In the meantime have you considered a plant based diet? My friend is size 24 - not sure if her weight - but she has spent 15 years with either SW or WW yo yo dieting. She lost 20 pounds in Veganuary and is keeping it up. She just told herself no meat was passing her lips and changed butter and cheese to vegan ones. She's really pleased.

This is a tough one. I sympathise with your situation but even if you did have surgery and lost 10 stone in the next year, conceiving might still be hard (I don't know what the exact statistics are but aged 35 and 18 stone/significantly obese conception rates are likely to be lower). Then there would be the risks associated with going through a pregnancy at that size and age. After that, not all children are plain sailing. I was 23-24 and normal weight when I had my children and it turned out both have disabilities that require them to be carried and lifted and now my back and pelvis are destroyed from this. My DH's stepmum is a similar size to you and often cries that she never was able to have children of her own. I feel bad for her but truth be told I often look at her and think there's no way she would cope if she'd had my children! I couldn't even let her look after my kids by herself as she physically wouldn't cope. I know it's not as easy as this but have you ever considered fostering children? You clearly have a lot of love to give back and those children are in dire need.

So pleased for you OP - it has been life-changing for me and really hope it is for you too.

I think you're making the right decision if you could control your weight with a diet you'd have done it by now.