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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TTC - husband won’t touch me

57 replies

welshmercury · 16/02/2021 15:45

Not sure where to post this but need to vent. Last year aged 41 we lost an unplanned baby at 18+6 in April 2020. Hubby said we could try again. So after getting myself fitter and eating healthy etc it was all systems go. Hubby is full of excuses. Covid, could lose baby again, etc etc

I’ve said that I’m considering moving on and he needs to let me go. Know I may not meet anyone. Swipe right to impregnate me but I feel now he is stringing me along.

January came. I was doing ovulation tests and he said next month. Just ovulated in February and it’s just a straight no.

I appreciate he lost a baby too and has worries but I’m 42 and only have so many eggs left. I’m fully prepared that we may not get pregnant but I can say I tried.

We do have an 11yo DS. So I’ve been told that I’m selfish to want to split the family up. But I’m starting to resent and think what’s the point in staying together for our kid if I’m miserable.

All the people will say leave him but I don’t even know where to start. He’s said he won’t move out. House is in joint names so I can’t just sell it without permission. I’m currently only wage earner due to Covid so don’t want to end up paying him money.
I’m just so angry

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2021 15:50

Your husband clearly doesn't want another child, and it's pathetic of him that he just won't be honest about it. Only you can decide where to go from here, but leaving him only to have another baby isn't very realistic.

MustardMitt · 16/02/2021 15:52

Why do you want to leave him? Because you’re unhappy and don’t love him anymore? Or because you want another baby and he clearly doesn’t?

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but I agree that to split to try and have another baby is selfish. I think the situation is making you angry and maybe a touch unreasonable.

He needs to clearly tell you he doesn’t want to try for another baby and be responsible for that, if that’s an non-negotiable for him. I think you could probably do with talking to a counsellor to unpick your feelings and come to a decision.

Flowers I am sorry for your loss, and genuinely sorry if my response stings.

CounsellorTroi · 16/02/2021 15:53

Did you both actually want another child before you lost your unplanned baby (for which I am really sorry)?

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 16/02/2021 15:53

I’m really sorry for your loss Flowers

This seems very complicated and you both have your reasons I’m sure, but up until last year before your miscarriage, had you tried for a no.2? Or is this desire to conceive again a result of your loss?

Brunt0n · 16/02/2021 15:54

I wouldn’t be bringing another child into what sounds like a troubled marriage.

I also wouldn’t want an 11 year age gap so I understand him not wanting to try again!

pryunm · 16/02/2021 16:04

I am very sorry about your loss and really I am.
You have been writing about this man for years and how he’s always been refusing you another child. Why don’t you walk away from him. He’s lazy and selfish reading from your past posts.

Original poster
welshmercury · 16/02/2021 16:04

Thanks all. DS1 was a pill failure as we like to call him. I have always wanted more but hubby said no so when I turned 40 I accepted it and got a kitten. Hubby had also said no pets.

I don’t like being strung along. He said we could try again and now won’t.

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 16/02/2021 16:05

Sorry for your loss Thanks
I think quite rightly having told him you are considering leaving him over this he's probably on even more shaky ground about it. Did he suggest trying again as a reaction to help you over what must have been a really difficult time? I don't think the age gap is an issue (there is a similar age gap between me and my oldest sibling and my sons have a great relationship with their half brothers 20/21 years older) but I think that if I were you I'd suggest going somewhere quiet and having a heart to heart with DH about what he really wants, and what you really want. If he's totally against another baby and the relationship is otherwise good I wouldn't split over that. My DH didn't want a 5th, also he was 59 when we had our last, so although I would have liked another we would never have split over it because he's an amazing husband and our relationship is really great.

AlwaysLatte · 16/02/2021 16:06

DS1 was a pill failure as we like to call him
Not to his face, I hope!!?!

Newfor2021 · 16/02/2021 16:14

I completely understand how you’re feeling.... I have a 17 yr old DS. I’d always wanted more children but had now reached 40, never met the right man and seeing as son was older had basically given up and decided to settle for no more.

In Sept 20 I accidentally fell pregnant, sadly lost at 12 weeks.

The experience has now made me realise more than ever - it’s now or never! I’m currently single but when restrictions lift will definitely be out there and know without a doubt I want more children more than anything.

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you Flowers

StealthRoast · 16/02/2021 16:14

Firstly I’m really sorry about the loss of your baby op.

What I think you need to do is to separate in your head what is most important to you- having another baby with someone else ( not a guarantee ) or staying with your husband and accepting that you will only have one child. It’s a bloody tough one but the problem isn’t going to go away.

This is a bit personal and of course you don’t have to answer but are you still sleeping together? I’m presuming your husband doesn’t want to remain celibate for the rest of his days so an honest conversation is needed. He needs to tell you one way or the other as it’s very unfair to string you along.

I wish you well Flowers

Newfor2021 · 16/02/2021 16:14

Oh and sorry for your loss, at 18 weeks that must have been really tough 😢

noirchatsdeux · 16/02/2021 16:16

So it sounds like your husband never actually wanted children or pets....and hasn't changed his mind.

Stupid of him to fob you off, but if you are 100% certain you want another child you are going to have to accept it won't be with him.

MissyB1 · 16/02/2021 16:24

Why on earth do you both like to refer to your ds as a “pill failure”?? That’s horrible Sad

Sounds like your relationship isn’t great tbh. If you are going to stay together I strongly advise counselling, but only you can decide if he’s worth staying with.

Lockheart · 16/02/2021 16:25

Your first child was the result of a contraceptive failure.

Your husband, until recently, has always said no to more.

He said you could try again when you had both just lost a pregnancy, but has now changed his mind.

I'm sorry OP but the writing has been on the wall for a long long time. I imagine he was thrown by the miscarriage too and in his grief said you could try again - in the cold light of day he has gone back to what he's always said.

I don't think he's strung you along, sorry. I think you've been ignoring the obvious message he's been sending for years.

Neither of you are in the wrong but if you want to have another child that badly then I'm afraid it is unlikely to be with him.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2021 16:26

He needs to be honest with you. And if you only want to be with him for a child then you should leave

You cannot emotionally blackmail him into having another child op. Threaten to go unless he agrees, that never ever works.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2021 16:28

DS1 was a pill failure as we like to call him

I really hope you don’t. That’s horrible.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/02/2021 16:30

I’ve said that I’m considering moving on and he needs to let me go

I’d not want to TTC with a partner that said that, I’d have packed their bag and shown them the door.

Let him go so he can find some one who wants him not what he can provide.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 16/02/2021 16:31

He needs to be honest but you also need to accept that he clearly doesn't want to.

Porcupineintherough · 16/02/2021 16:36

I agree with Lockheart. He was clear that he didnt want a second child, then you both lost an unplanned pregnancy which must have been horribly traumatic. Now he's back to not wanting a child (and almost certainly not wanting to undergo another loss). It's not unreasonable to leave if you are unhappy or if you resent him for this. It's not selfish - but I'd at least be open to the idea that the anger you feel towards him is due to your loss. How did you feel about having an only before your second pregnancy?

At any rate if you are going to separate you need to be realistic. He has no reason to leave the family home (and his solicitor will advise him not to). So either you leave (again unadvisable) - or you accept you are going to be divorcing whilst sharing a house.

Norwaydidnthappen · 16/02/2021 16:36

I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think he wants to have another baby and he really needs to be honest with you about this. He isn’t wrong not to want another child but he’s definitely wrong to keep stringing you along.

OpenShop · 16/02/2021 16:37

He doesn’t want another baby. I’m sorry for your loss x

strawberrypip · 16/02/2021 16:38

OP I think Lockheart has hit the nail on the head I'm afraid. I dont think he wants or wanted another child.

I do get that need, especially after loss. I've been there and its excruciating. like others have said, you need to weigh up what is more important to you.

if you stay will you hold this against him? because for that alone I would suggest leaving - it will make you both miserable.

Magnificentmug12 · 16/02/2021 16:45

I don’t think his stringing you along as he has obviously never wanted children and you only had one due to a failure and the second was unplanned.

You should have left years ago, still time though, but at this stage I don’t think you would find it’s worth it.

Iwonder08 · 16/02/2021 16:53

I am sorry for your loss. If havinfng another baby at 42 is the only reason you want to leave your marriage then I would agree with your husband, it is selfish. However it doesn't sound like it is the only reason. If he is not nice to you in other aspects of your life then leave and don't use having another baby as a pretext.