TTC - husband won’t touch me

[welshmercury]

Not sure where to post this but need to vent. Last year aged 41 we lost an unplanned baby at 18+6 in April 2020. Hubby said we could try again. So after getting myself fitter and eating healthy etc it was all systems go. Hubby is full of excuses. Covid, could lose baby again, etc etc

I’ve said that I’m considering moving on and he needs to let me go. Know I may not meet anyone. Swipe right to impregnate me but I feel now he is stringing me along.

January came. I was doing ovulation tests and he said next month. Just ovulated in February and it’s just a straight no.

I appreciate he lost a baby too and has worries but I’m 42 and only have so many eggs left. I’m fully prepared that we may not get pregnant but I can say I tried.

We do have an 11yo DS. So I’ve been told that I’m selfish to want to split the family up. But I’m starting to resent and think what’s the point in staying together for our kid if I’m miserable.

All the people will say leave him but I don’t even know where to start. He’s said he won’t move out. House is in joint names so I can’t just sell it without permission. I’m currently only wage earner due to Covid so don’t want to end up paying him money.
I’m just so angry

Well obviously you shouldn't bring a new child into your relationship, as it currently stands. You clearly don't like your husband.

Realistically, I think you need to let this dream go. Focus on fixing, or leaving, your marriage.

Sounds like you shouldnt be bringing a baby into a relationship if you feel that way about your husband

I am sorry for your loss.

I think your husband is making his position clear if he is refusing to have sex with you in case you get pregnant. He said you could try again after your loss but now he has thought about it he has changed his mind. That is ok but your disappointment is understandable. That doesn’t mean he is doing anything wrong in feeling that way though.

I do think leaving him over this would be unreasonable. You had accepted his position until you fell pregnant by accident. If anything it is you who have changed your position.

As for the other issues, the not doing things together, him gaming a lot, you feeling unloved, have these come about recently due to pressures of covid, the unplanned pregnancy, your loss and subsequent stand off over having another baby or are they more long standing? If the former, perhaps give yourselves some time and consider counselling. If the later, perhaps think about why you are trying to have another baby with him.

Good luck.

As you say you might not meet anyone, and if you do there would be a big age gap, and two children by two men can get messy, see the stepparent threads,

You shouldn't be bringing a baby into this clusterfuck anyway at this point. It sounds horribly toxic.

If your husband has been pulling out for 11 years (presumably on top of contraception?!) because he didn't want any rogue sperm to escape then I think he has actually been pretty clear about a second child, to be honest.

It sounds like from your update that the relationship isn't very good anyway and you've latched onto the idea of him refusing a second child as a justification for it to be over, especially as this isn't new or a surprise given his previous behaviour and thoughts on it. Just leave him if you're unhappy.

He doesn't want another baby and that's that. He's been an absolute arsehole not to just actually come out with it but his behaviour is telling you loud and clear.

So, you either leave him and move on, although as you say you a unlikely to end up with another child by doing this anyway. Or you stay with him and accept that you will never have another baby.

From the way you have described him I would leave him anyway, he sounds awful. Either way you will probably not have another baby but you'd probably be a lot happier.

You are in a very similar situation to my friend. She lost a much wanted (on her side at least) second baby and her husband then just shut down, strung her along saying they could try again but kept moving the goalposts. Eventually he came clean that he didn't want another. There was a lot of back and forth arguing but their marriage was similar to yours, in that it wasn't that happy anyway, and she left.

She never did get that second baby, but her and her daughter are about a million times better off now and she has made peace with it all.