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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

TTC - husband won’t touch me

57 replies

welshmercury · 16/02/2021 15:45

Not sure where to post this but need to vent. Last year aged 41 we lost an unplanned baby at 18+6 in April 2020. Hubby said we could try again. So after getting myself fitter and eating healthy etc it was all systems go. Hubby is full of excuses. Covid, could lose baby again, etc etc

I’ve said that I’m considering moving on and he needs to let me go. Know I may not meet anyone. Swipe right to impregnate me but I feel now he is stringing me along.

January came. I was doing ovulation tests and he said next month. Just ovulated in February and it’s just a straight no.

I appreciate he lost a baby too and has worries but I’m 42 and only have so many eggs left. I’m fully prepared that we may not get pregnant but I can say I tried.

We do have an 11yo DS. So I’ve been told that I’m selfish to want to split the family up. But I’m starting to resent and think what’s the point in staying together for our kid if I’m miserable.

All the people will say leave him but I don’t even know where to start. He’s said he won’t move out. House is in joint names so I can’t just sell it without permission. I’m currently only wage earner due to Covid so don’t want to end up paying him money.
I’m just so angry

OP posts:

Aprilx · 16/02/2021 17:33

I don’t think you should leave purely because he doesn’t want another child, as there is every chance that won’t happen anyway.

But it doesn’t sound like a happy marriage anyway and that is a different matter.

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 17:41

He shouldn't be stringing you along, but honestly to leave at your age and expect to meet and have a child with someone is highly unlikely.

You'd have to meet someone that wanted a child first off.

It's just not going to happen.

lobster8 · 16/02/2021 17:47

Firstly, I'm really sorry for your loss.

Have you had any support working through your grief? I lost DD1 at 20 weeks and it was horrendous. She was unplanned, I got pregnant on the pill in a relationship I was planning to imminently end. We found out I was pregnant and stayed together of course, then when we lost her I was devastated. My desire to have another baby was HUGE, it was like a hunger. We started trying to conceive again immediately, and I proposed and planned our wedding for 6 months after we lost her. I threw everything I had at it, it felt like the only way to move forward, to subdue my grief.

I got pregnant again and DD2 was born, however it was still the wrong relationship, one that without the circumstances and the overwhelming grief I would never have stayed in, let alone had a child and got married too. It's a different story to yours of course, but I'm just trying to articulate how my grief was all encompassing, as was my desperate desire to have another baby, and as a result I made bad decisions. These decisions I have to live with. I'm not with my EA exH anymore, but we are still raising a child together and I still have to deal with the effects of his personality on her. I couldn't see the wood for the trees and wish I could have given myself time to grief and think things through properly. I understand for you at your age, it feels there is no time, but I urge you to really think this through and get some therapy or counselling to give you space to do this.

RabbityMcRabbit · 16/02/2021 17:52

but leaving him only to have another baby isn't very realistic
I dunno @Aquamarine1029, my last husband left me very suddenly because he wanted children, I'd already had 2 from previous marriages, he was younger than me and suddenly decided he wanted children more than he wanted me.

Porcupineintherough · 16/02/2021 18:01

Men's fertility doesnt drop off a cliff in their 40s though Rabbity

RunningFromInsanity · 16/02/2021 18:04

If you break up the family for this, your son is forever going to think that he is the reason because he wasn’t good enough.

You went 11 years being happy with just him.

suspiria777 · 16/02/2021 18:21

if i were your 11 yr old child, and you decided to split me up from my dad (or from you) because i wasn't enough for you and you'd rather be alone (or take me away from home with you) and make me suffer for the possibility of potentially having a child with some random man, a stranger to me, in the next couple of years... well, i think i'd be very upset.

Don't break up the family you have for the slim hope of making a new family with a new man who you don't even know exists.

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 18:21

How old was his new partner @RabbityMcRabbit ?

garlicwhorl · 16/02/2021 18:28

So sorry for your loss.

I think it’s quite clear that he didn’t want children. In the aftermath of such an upsetting loss he perhaps temporarily felt different, or felt he had to say whatever would make you feel a little bit better. I don’t think he’s been stringing you along at all

Pinkdelight3 · 16/02/2021 18:31

it's pathetic of him that he just won't be honest about it.

Jesus. Maybe he loves his wife and doesn't want her to leave him for this? And he might be struggling to deal with losing the baby too. Is he just a sperm donor who should be made redundant now??

Hhusky · 16/02/2021 18:36

I'm so sorry for your loss OP
I think you need to really have a good, open and honest chat about what you both want. You sound deeply unhappy and it is unfair for you to be stuck in an unhappy situation. Is he a good husband otherwise? Or are you constantly losing out on what you want in the relationship?

MagnoliaBeige · 16/02/2021 18:37

I’m very sorry for your loss, that must have been an incredibly tough time. And I don’t know your history with your DH but you’re basically telling him to impregnate you or or you’re leaving? That doesn’t sound like a healthy environment to raise another child.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2021 18:40

Hubby said we could try again. So after getting myself fitter and eating healthy etc it was all systems go. Hubby is full of excuses. Covid, could lose baby again

Its a bit harsh to the OP to say that the DH clearly doesn't want more children. He's clearly been stringing her along, telling her what she wants to hear and now nearly a year later she's had enough of his dishonest excuses and is really angry with him and I don't blame her.

OP. Firstly, sorry for your loss, all you can do at this stage is get him to be honest about exactly why he is refusing to consider trying for another child when you are so desperate for one. Most things like income, inconvenience etc can be overcome or are outweighed by the fact that the child is wanted.

How does he see your relationship together moving forward and overcoming this and the huge resentment it is causing? I think you may need to talk this out with a mediator. Good luck, its a difficult position to be in and it must be painful for you.

georgarina · 16/02/2021 18:45

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Could you look into sperm donation? That way you're not going out and meeting someone else...or wasting any time...and showing DH you are serious so he needs to make a decision as much as you are.

Good luck x

Lockheart · 16/02/2021 18:46

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff you need to read the OPs second post:

DS1 was a pill failure as we like to call him. I have always wanted more but hubby said no so when I turned 40 I accepted it and got a kitten

It's sad but it seems clear the OP's DH has never been keen on children.

gamerchick · 16/02/2021 18:47

If you're at the point of emotional blackmail to make him get your pregnant then your relationship is over anyway OP. There's no going back from that.

Sorry for your loss, I'd be annoyed I hadn't left sooner when younger tbh.

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2021 18:56

Perhaps your husband needs counselling over loosing the baby.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2021 18:58

@Lockheart yes I saw that and I take your point he has clearly been reluctant in the past, but after she miscarried he told her she could try again so I don't blame her for feeling upset that he has been stalling for almost a year with excuses until its become clear to the OP that he didn't mean it at all and has gone back on his word.
That kind of deception must be hard to take, when its something she wants so much. If he'd said straight out "no more children" she could have been making decisions about the future nearly a year ago.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/02/2021 19:00

To those saying the "Pill Failure" thing is horrible, you dont know that.

When DS worked out that him arriving almost a year to the day after his sister, despite all the other siblings having much large age gaps, meant he wasnt exactly planned. He started referring to himself as "The Accident". He will say things like "Huh I only get the shit jobs cos I was The Accident" its all done in fun on both sides and it would never be said even once in truth.

Bookwords · 16/02/2021 19:02

@PyongyangKipperbang and similarly you don't know it isn't said in a derogatory way!

I was "the accident" and didn't I fucking know it!

DianaT1969 · 16/02/2021 19:10

Is your relationship good enough to bring another child into? To spend the next 16 years co-parenting?

That's the first question.

Second, head over to the MN online dating board. Ask them how easy it is to meet someone who wants to have a child with you within 1-2 years.

You can leave your DH for any reason. Decide if you want to leave him to be single. Issues about the home and money are just details. If you want to separate you'll make it happen.

MissyB1 · 16/02/2021 19:13

@PyongyangKipperbang I always think of that saying “many a true word spoken in jest”

SplendidSuns1000 · 16/02/2021 19:24

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

Either your husband has changed his mind for his own reasons or he's struggling to accept that you could conceive a very healthy and happy baby. No matter what though, he can't string you along like this when it comes to a very serious matter like TTC. He doesn't want a child and even if he turns around tomorrow and says he wants one, he's not ready for one. You need to be 100% stable committed and sure to plan a baby and he is not. If you're understandably not willing to wait for him to grow up and make a decision, then you should leave him and find someone who does want a future with you.

Original poster

welshmercury · 17/02/2021 00:10

For the muppets thinking I call my child a pill failure to his face I have no words for your muppetness. He is here due to failure of contraception that is the truth.
Given I’m the eldest of 4 and every Xmas there was a present for the best child and presents were given ranked 1-4 with 4 being a packet of polos I’m obviously not making my current son feel unwanted. However I do think hubby would have never been ready for kids.

My main point is the we’ll try next month as it crushes me. I had accepted he didn’t want more kids but don’t see why I should have to.
He is a gamer so I basically spend every evening alone. What happens when our son grows up and I end marriage then and he feels pants that we only stayed together for him!
I’m also on my third dad now so I’m well aware of split families. Is it better to have separated happy parents or parents who just chug along barely speaking?

I am realistic and know getting pregnant is highly unlikely due to age etc but I want a relationship where we do stuff together as a couple and a family. A day trip to beach (pre Covid) ends up in argument as he’s bored.

I’m generally dissatisfied with life as I’m a teacher and shattered so thinking of career move, want to move closer to my family and out of South east as so expensive property wise. I want someone who wants to spend time with me and child together.

We aren’t having sex as he won’t as he’s worried a rogue sperm will escape. He’s pulled out for 11 years. I CBA to just wank him off.

I don’t even know what I want anymore but I know I deserve honesty and love

OP posts:

SezziBaybee · 17/02/2021 00:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

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