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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you'd write this? I've been trying for days.

72 replies

AbsolutelyMortified · 15/02/2021 12:56

I've NC'd for this because it's not something I'm proud of, by any stretch.

I grew up in a pretty neglectful, violent home. My mum was severely mentally ill, and my dad was pretty absent. We were always in and out of foster care. When my eldest sister was 16, she made a complaint to social services and was re-assessed, and moved into supported housing. The rest of us were sadly not as lucky.

When I was 16, my then 12-year-old sister started talking to weird men online. Our social worker told me there was nothing they could do about it until something happened. Six months later, she started posting naked photos of herself online... and as a result, Social Services took away her "Befriender".... an adult who used to come to take her out once or twice a week and talk to her about things.

Eventually, it escalated into her waiting naked outside the house for a 52-year-old man who was driving down from Scarborough to meet her. I read the messages between them and it made me feel utterly sick. She wouldn't come inside, the duty Social Worker didn't call back and the police were busy and wouldn't attend, they told me to call back if he turned up.

I'm not proud of it, but eventually, I pulled her out of the recycling box and dragged her inside. She fought me, badly. I had to go to A&E, with her and my littlest sibling, to get scratches to my eyes looked at... they reported us to Social Services, and long story short, they recorded that I had assaulted an unarmed minor. I wasn't convicted, but it shows up on the PNC, so any CRB checks, etc.

Last week I had a call from someone senior in Social Services who basically said that they shouldn't have taken the action that they did and I now have the opportunity to have this removed. It looks like I get one chance. They've said that I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.

I don't regret what happened if I'm honest. It was horrendous but it made social services pay attention to us, and my younger sisters were found longer-term foster care. But it's caused a great deal of random difficulty in my life, and I'd like it gone. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I was trying to help her. I don't believe I did hurt her - she was checked over, she was okay. She wanted to carry on living with me.

My sister can't write me a reference, she was diagnosed with a serious mental illness and has never had capacity. I have some references from other people but I don't know how much water they'll hold. I can explain my past - but I'm not quite sure how much detail to go in, bearing in mind that they said the biggest mistake people tend to make is not linking what they're saying to what happened? I can explain that I've been pretty successful in life, compared to what was expected of me...

I'm lost on where to start. It feels like a lifetime ago. I hate the idea of sharing a sob story... I'm hugely private and I hate people knowing of my childhood. I can write it, but explaining it feels so convoluted and long.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/02/2021 13:01

Start by thanking them for their having referred this back to you.

Do you need anyne to stand up for you?
Do you need to tell them what you are doing now, what you have acheived?

Or do you just need to tell them that your DSis real situation was not recognised by anyone at the time and that as her sister and the only person who saw wahat she was actually doring, day in day out, you acted in amnner outowth your normal behaviour in order to save her from the consequences of her actions.

Have they goven uyou any guidelines on how/what to write?

Cornettoninja · 15/02/2021 13:06

I’ve no experience with this but I think you’ve summed it up pretty well here. It illustrates the incident itself and the steps you took (as a child yourself) to deescalate it that unfortunately didn’t work. I think the background of it with your parents and older sister are needed to explain why they weren’t an option for you.

On another note it sounds like you were all failed horribly and I’m sorry that you’re having to defend your actions as a child with few options all these years later.

Champagneandmonstermunch · 15/02/2021 13:10

You have explained it pretty clearly here. I would go with something along the lines of what you have written already. It makes the surrounding circumstance clear and understandable, and explains why you did what you did, and what the background was.

Honeyroar · 15/02/2021 13:11

Yes I was thinking that you should write is accurately and clearly, like you have here. Keep it factual, perhaps go into more detail, for example details of how it escalated to her being outside naked etc.

It sounds like you were treated very poorly and let down. It also sounds like they may be coming to realise this themselves. Good luck.

PracticingPerson · 15/02/2021 13:14

I think you should get a lawyer to help you, it won't cost much to get some help to write a letter but it will help you do it correctly.

SummerInSun · 15/02/2021 13:15

Write it out as you have here, but with more detail. Them you could take it somewhere like a Citizen's Advice Bureau and ask them to look through it (if they are open due to Covid?).

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 15/02/2021 13:20

Last week I had a call from someone senior in Social Services who basically said that they shouldn't have taken the action that they did

It sounds to be honest as though they are already on your side and an explanation such as the one you wrote above would be perfectly adequate.
You were failed pretty badly by them.

VinylDetective · 15/02/2021 13:21

You’ve done a really good job in explaining what happened. I don’t understand why the onus is on you, though. If social services are admitting they made a mistake, surely they should be removing it with no further action from you required. I’d be considering suing them personally.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 15/02/2021 13:24

OP I’m so sorry for what you have been through. Was it a caution you were given?

Can SS offer any further support with what you need to do.

You have explained it well here and all the background is relevant. Your sister, later diagnosed with MH issues, was being exploited and no one other than you recognised it or tried to intervene to protect her. Don’t ever feel ashamed for doing what you did as the alternative would have been utterly horrific.

Look after yourself

itallworkedouthorribly · 15/02/2021 13:33

Thank you for referring this back to me. At the time of the incident, I was living with X who suffered from illness leaving them incapacitated and unable to take care of my siblings and I. As the eldest child in the home, I felt responsible for the welfare of my younger siblings and tried to discharge this to the best of my ability, seeking help where appropriate. In (year) I became aware that sibling (name) was being targeted online by a sexual predator. I responded to this appropriately with concern and alarm, alerting social services and in occasion, the police, to the fact that she was in danger. I was greatly distressed for my sister and her safety and her well-being was my priority. This is evidenced by my request to Social services for help in behalf of my sister in relation to this matter. Social services advised that they were unable to help my sister until more events had occurred. They also withdrew the support of a befriended for my sister in response to my request for help, without offering any alternative. The effect of this was that I felt entirely responsible for safeguarding my sister. On (date) I was made aware that my sister, who has learning difficulties/reduced mental capacity was now in great danger as she was waiting naked outside our home to meet the sexual predator who has been grooming her online. I had seen evidence of this and fully believed that an abduction was being planned and my sister was in danger of assault and possibly murder. My sister indicated that she fully intended to get in the predator's car. In great fear for her life, I took action by contacting the police and social services. I met with no response from social services and the police advised that they would attend if the predator was on the premises. I believed that this would be too late to save my sister as she was already outside the home. After unsuccessfully attempting to reason with my sister, out of desperate concern for what might be done to her if she remained where she was, I attempted to bring her into the home using physical force. My concern for her safety and survival was the only motivating factor in this action and it was carried out after trying and failing to access other possible sources of help. I tried to bring my sister inside as gently as possible without causing harm to her and sustained physical injury to my own person while attempting to bring her to safety. My one thought was to prevent my vulnerable sibling from being the victim of an abduction. I have never acted in a violent way or tried to harm anyone at any time. I deeply regret any harm that was caused to my sister as a result of my attempt to move her to a place of safety and my ongoing concern has been for her continued safety and well being. Through the years, the notes on my record have caused me hardship through missed opportunities and I would be very grateful if this could be corrected.

Cornettoninja · 15/02/2021 13:34

To illustrate why you’re no longer a risk I would write it like a CV summary but including personal details so since x year I have worked , gained qualifications and currently live with (if applicable)

Original poster

AbsolutelyMortified · 16/02/2021 12:47

Thank you all so much.

I was really scared to post this, especially on a parenting forum... I'm so grateful for all the replies, and the understanding.

Sitting down to get it written now. The nerves are insane. Thank you for all the advice and effort that you went to, I appreciate it loads, and I'll update you all with how it goes (just incase anyone cares! )

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 16/02/2021 12:49

Please do @AbsolutelyMortified. Good luck

itsgettingwierd · 16/02/2021 12:56

Wow - I'm so sorry you ended up with this. How ridiculous.

Sounds like you were the one primarily with your sisters welfare at heart and may have saved her from a terrible fate.

I like the letter above and would use that as an outline but agree you've explained it well yourself.

You acted out of care and a sense of safeguarding for sibling who has reduced mental capacity to make these decisions for herself.

I'd certainly be interested in the outcome. You shouldn't have had your reasonable actions hanging over your head for a lifetime.

Thehop · 16/02/2021 12:57

You’ve done so well OP

Well done

Honeybobbin · 16/02/2021 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlefireseverywhere · 16/02/2021 12:59

Well done for confronting this, what an ordeal for you & your sisters. Wishing you well!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/02/2021 13:03

I think you have had some very good advice on this thread.
I just wanted to add to the voices saying this shouldn’t have happened to you, you were very badly let down by all the people and agencies that should have helped.

VerityAn · 16/02/2021 13:04

I think this is pretty clear OP.

You’ve been very brave OP, so pleased you’ve managed to get your life together & that you and your siblings are now safe after such an awful start.

Crackerofdoom · 16/02/2021 13:09

OP, it breaks my heart that you say you are not proud of what you did.

You were a 16 year old child who was punished for physically preventing your 12 year old sister with mental health issues from getting in a car with a paedophile whilst the adults around you did nothing to protect any of you.

You should not be writing this letter from a place of shame and weakness. You should be writing it from a place of pride and rage.

I am not suggesting that you should write an aggressive letter as it would be counter-productive but I think you should reconsider how you view these events and your role in them. I don't even know you and I am so angry for you and your sisters right now.

senua · 16/02/2021 13:17

When I was 16, my then 12-year-old sister started talking to weird men online ... . Eventually, it escalated into her waiting naked outside the house for a 52-year-old man ... eventually, I dragged her inside. She fought me, badly. I had to go to A&E

Can you clarify here. Were you an adult or a minor?
More, precise dates (i.e. hard facts) might help.

persistentwoman · 16/02/2021 13:26

Goodness OP. Just want to agree with all the posters congratulating you for trying as a child to safeguard your sister when the adults responsible looked the other way.
As CrackerofDoom says - you should feel pride for your maturity and the care you showed your sister.

Thank you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/02/2021 13:29

@senua

Can you clarify here. Were you an adult or a minor?
More, precise dates (i.e. hard facts) might help.

You are kidding, right?

Salacious journalistic twaddle! We need no details at all, let alone bloody dates!

Somuddled · 16/02/2021 13:39

I think the advice is to add more details when writing to SS not giving it to us.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/02/2021 13:41

@Somuddled

I think the advice is to add more details when writing to SS not giving it to us.

Ah! That would be entirely more appropriate

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