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Original poster

To ask how you'd write this? I've been trying for days.

72 replies

AbsolutelyMortified · 15/02/2021 12:56

I've NC'd for this because it's not something I'm proud of, by any stretch.

I grew up in a pretty neglectful, violent home. My mum was severely mentally ill, and my dad was pretty absent. We were always in and out of foster care. When my eldest sister was 16, she made a complaint to social services and was re-assessed, and moved into supported housing. The rest of us were sadly not as lucky.

When I was 16, my then 12-year-old sister started talking to weird men online. Our social worker told me there was nothing they could do about it until something happened. Six months later, she started posting naked photos of herself online... and as a result, Social Services took away her "Befriender".... an adult who used to come to take her out once or twice a week and talk to her about things.

Eventually, it escalated into her waiting naked outside the house for a 52-year-old man who was driving down from Scarborough to meet her. I read the messages between them and it made me feel utterly sick. She wouldn't come inside, the duty Social Worker didn't call back and the police were busy and wouldn't attend, they told me to call back if he turned up.

I'm not proud of it, but eventually, I pulled her out of the recycling box and dragged her inside. She fought me, badly. I had to go to A&E, with her and my littlest sibling, to get scratches to my eyes looked at... they reported us to Social Services, and long story short, they recorded that I had assaulted an unarmed minor. I wasn't convicted, but it shows up on the PNC, so any CRB checks, etc.

Last week I had a call from someone senior in Social Services who basically said that they shouldn't have taken the action that they did and I now have the opportunity to have this removed. It looks like I get one chance. They've said that I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.

I don't regret what happened if I'm honest. It was horrendous but it made social services pay attention to us, and my younger sisters were found longer-term foster care. But it's caused a great deal of random difficulty in my life, and I'd like it gone. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I was trying to help her. I don't believe I did hurt her - she was checked over, she was okay. She wanted to carry on living with me.

My sister can't write me a reference, she was diagnosed with a serious mental illness and has never had capacity. I have some references from other people but I don't know how much water they'll hold. I can explain my past - but I'm not quite sure how much detail to go in, bearing in mind that they said the biggest mistake people tend to make is not linking what they're saying to what happened? I can explain that I've been pretty successful in life, compared to what was expected of me...

I'm lost on where to start. It feels like a lifetime ago. I hate the idea of sharing a sob story... I'm hugely private and I hate people knowing of my childhood. I can write it, but explaining it feels so convoluted and long.

OP posts:
senua · 16/02/2021 14:05

Ah! That would be entirely more appropriate
It never occurred to me to think the other way!!Shock Sorry, all.

The OP is written in quite emotive language; I think the report to SS needs to be more factual. Use hard data (names, dates) against them that they cannot deny.

LadyCatStark · 16/02/2021 14:11

Why you’ve written here is fine, it needs to come from you rather than stilted, formal language. Although I like the PP’s idea of adding some information about where you are in your life now and that you’ve had no further charges.

senua · 16/02/2021 14:25

Last week I had a call from someone senior in Social Services who basically said that they shouldn't have taken the action that they did and I now have the opportunity to have this removed. It looks like I get one chance. They've said that I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.
SS have let you down before. I wouldn't trust "a call". Ask for the request to be put in writing so everyone is clear what they are asking, why and what the procedure is. Ask where you can get support, guidance on what is needed in the report.
If they have already admitted fault, why is it up to you to write a report to clear your name?

growinggreyer · 16/02/2021 14:47

I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.

I do think you should get legal advice before you send anything to social services. Who the hell do they think they are to talk to you like this? I bet someone has realized that you have a clearcut case against them. Add up a lifetime of insults and injuries and it could be a substantial sum. Not to mention that they are going to take a piece of writing by someone with no idea of the legal implications and use it to make judgements about your future? No, don't do this until you are totally sure you know who is asking, why they are asking and what the stakes are for you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/02/2021 14:55

@senua

Ah! That would be entirely more appropriate It never occurred to me to think the other way!!Shock Sorry, all.

The OP is written in quite emotive language; I think the report to SS needs to be more factual. Use hard data (names, dates) against them that they cannot deny.

Ot was porobably just me. But I have read posts where people really are demanding an OP fulfils their need for titillation.

My apologies. As soon as somuddled pointed it out I realised I was projecting a little Smile

TaraR2020 · 16/02/2021 14:56

Op you've had some great advice here, I just wanted to say that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You were in an impossible situation and by everyone who was supposed to care for you and ensure your safety.

Ps. Make sure you say she was naked outside when you write!

I think you're remarkable btw Flowers

Cornettoninja · 16/02/2021 15:19

@growinggreyer

I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.

I do think you should get legal advice before you send anything to social services. Who the hell do they think they are to talk to you like this? I bet someone has realized that you have a clearcut case against them. Add up a lifetime of insults and injuries and it could be a substantial sum. Not to mention that they are going to take a piece of writing by someone with no idea of the legal implications and use it to make judgements about your future? No, don't do this until you are totally sure you know who is asking, why they are asking and what the stakes are for you.

Actually this is really good advice and didn’t occur to me tbh.
Labobo · 16/02/2021 15:26

OP, the way you have written it down here is absolutely perfect. I'm an editor and I teach people how to write clearly. You have done a brilliant job.

Using all your own words, but cutting out the bits where you contemplate how to phrase it, here's a version that makes total sense:

[My sister and]
I grew up in a pretty neglectful, violent home. My mum was severely mentally ill, and my dad was pretty absent. We were always in and out of foster care. When my eldest sister was 16, she made a complaint to social services and was re-assessed, and moved into supported housing. The rest of us were sadly not as lucky.

When I was 16, my then 12-year-old sister started talking to weird men online. Our social worker told me there was nothing they could do about it until something happened. Six months later, she started posting naked photos of herself online... and as a result, Social Services took away her "Befriender".... an adult who used to come to take her out once or twice a week and talk to her about things.

Eventually, it escalated into her waiting naked outside the house for a 52-year-old man who was driving down from Scarborough to meet her. I read the messages between them and it made me feel utterly sick. She wouldn't come inside, the duty Social Worker didn't call back and the police were busy and wouldn't attend, they told me to call back if he turned up.

I'm not proud of it, but eventually, I pulled her out of the recycling box and dragged her inside. She fought me, badly. I had to go to A&E, with her and my littlest sibling, to get scratches to my eyes looked at... they reported us to Social Services, and long story short, they recorded that I had assaulted an unarmed minor. I wasn't convicted, but it shows up on the PNC, so any CRB checks, etc.

I don't regret what happened if I'm honest. It was horrendous but it made social services pay attention to us, and my younger sisters were found longer-term foster care. But it's caused a great deal of random difficulty in my life, and I'd like it gone. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I was trying to help her. I don't believe I did hurt her - she was checked over, she was okay. She wanted to carry on living with me.

My sister can't write me a reference, she was diagnosed with a serious mental illness and has never had capacity.

You really don't need to change a line. All I added was 'My sister and' at the top as it refers to her too. You're a good writer! Genuinely. I wish my professional clients had your ability to be so clear and exact. Good luck.

tashac89 · 16/02/2021 15:37

Agree with PP that suggested contacting a solicitor first. As a child yourself, you did NOT do anything wrong trying to protect your sister, what else could you do with all the adults around you failing to protect either of you? Get some advice before you put anything in writing.
For what it's worth, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

qalb · 16/02/2021 15:40

Please get legal advice first, it sounds like they are covering their own arses for a massive failed duty of care.

You didn’t do anything wrong, take care Flowers

Abitofalark · 16/02/2021 16:17

When you don't know where to start, you start at the beginning. And that's exactly what you've done: ''I grew up..."

Your account is clear and coherent and written as your own, personal narrative and not in contrived or official language. As such it rings out like a bell with a true note.

You have agonised long and hard over it but done a brilliant job of setting it out. Top and tail it, starting off by acknowledging the request received in a telephone call from x on [date] for an account of the circumstances of [date] so that the...should now be removed from the record, and finishing with something like I await hearing confirmation from you when this has been done.

It's obviously painful to have to revisit all this but you have been nothing but brave and brilliant against the odds in what you did for your sister and what you have managed to do in your life since.

goodwinter · 16/02/2021 16:22

@Crackerofdoom

OP, it breaks my heart that you say you are not proud of what you did.

You were a 16 year old child who was punished for physically preventing your 12 year old sister with mental health issues from getting in a car with a paedophile whilst the adults around you did nothing to protect any of you.

You should not be writing this letter from a place of shame and weakness. You should be writing it from a place of pride and rage.

I am not suggesting that you should write an aggressive letter as it would be counter-productive but I think you should reconsider how you view these events and your role in them. I don't even know you and I am so angry for you and your sisters right now.

Absolutely. You are an amazing person and you may have saved your sisters life. I'm so sorry for everything that you went through.
VodselForDinner · 16/02/2021 16:29

Best of luck, @AbsolutelyMortified

I can only imagine what a difficult time you’ve had, and I hope your appeal is successful.

SooMoony · 16/02/2021 17:22

Another one sending you good wishes, you have been badly let down at a time when you should have been supported. Flowers

itallworkedouthorribly · 17/02/2021 13:13

I just wonder, if you get your solicitor to ask for clarification, will that make them feel threatened and unable to admit fault in a situation they were privately willing to fix.

itallworkedouthorribly · 17/02/2021 13:16

If you want compensation, don't write and get legal advice. If you want this quietly removed, it does sound like they're willing to do this.

I would write to your local Equality Commission. The chances are that a very nice person with a law degree will call and explain.

VinylDetective · 17/02/2021 13:25

@growinggreyer

I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.

I do think you should get legal advice before you send anything to social services. Who the hell do they think they are to talk to you like this? I bet someone has realized that you have a clearcut case against them. Add up a lifetime of insults and injuries and it could be a substantial sum. Not to mention that they are going to take a piece of writing by someone with no idea of the legal implications and use it to make judgements about your future? No, don't do this until you are totally sure you know who is asking, why they are asking and what the stakes are for you.

I completely agree with this which is why I said I’d sue their arses off.
marriednotdead · 17/02/2021 13:26

@Crackerofdoom

OP, it breaks my heart that you say you are not proud of what you did.

You were a 16 year old child who was punished for physically preventing your 12 year old sister with mental health issues from getting in a car with a paedophile whilst the adults around you did nothing to protect any of you.

You should not be writing this letter from a place of shame and weakness. You should be writing it from a place of pride and rage.

I am not suggesting that you should write an aggressive letter as it would be counter-productive but I think you should reconsider how you view these events and your role in them. I don't even know you and I am so angry for you and your sisters right now.

I couldn't find better words than these written by @Crackerofdoom.

You were an absolute hero for your sister when everyone else had failed her. I'm not usually a fan of 'compensation culture' but you'd be well within reason to ask for a formal apology, an enquiry and more.

itallworkedouthorribly · 17/02/2021 13:26

Or your local Centre for Human Rights.

I think one or the other of these organisations will be really interested/appalled to hear what's happened and find out what outcome you would like.

itallworkedouthorribly · 17/02/2021 13:28

They might also discuss the role of the Ombudsman and what that could help you achieve.

growinggreyer · 17/02/2021 13:29

You could try your local CAB or maybe you have a local women's charity that would have caseworkers that would speak to you about this. Please reach out and get some real life back-up. Flowers

MiddlesexGirl · 17/02/2021 13:35

Law Centres Network may be able to help if you are unable to afford a solicitor
www.lawcentres.org.uk/i-am-looking-for-advice

billy1966 · 17/02/2021 13:42

OP,

You sound like a truly extraordinary young women who writes so well.

Getting legal advice is a good idea.

You were treated appallingly and it looks like they know it too.

Awful to read how poor the services are for vulnerable children.

Flowers
Longtalljosie · 17/02/2021 13:58

As you have one shot at this I would say you need professional advice. If you can stretch to it, it would be well worth it.

Original poster
AbsolutelyMortified · 14/06/2021 15:33

I just wanted to pop back up and thank everybody for their comments.

I did get clarification on what they wanted, and eventually found a solicitor who had dealt with something similar before and talked to SS about exactly what they need from me. They advised that I write the letter myself, though, as they generally do better coming from the person involved.

I managed to write a four-page letter in the end - explaining what happened and why, and then showing where I've gone from there. It felt odd, and I'm not entirely sure that I did a good job, but I gave it my best shot. I supported it with letters from foster carers, friends, a counselling service I used, and a youth probation officer who I was referred to for "help" at the time. I also sent some professional references.

14 weeks later and I haven't heard anything yet, but this morning got told that it had been assessed and was now passed to a senior officer for "approval", which I'm hoping is good but I'm probably reading into that word far too much!

It's made the world of difference to me, probably stupidly, to hear that what I did was somewhat understandable, and re-reading this thread a few times over the weeks has lessened the guilt of what happened... so genuine thanks to you all, and I'll update with the verdict in the end, whatever it is.

OP posts: