To ask how you'd write this? I've been trying for days.

[AbsolutelyMortified]

I've NC'd for this because it's not something I'm proud of, by any stretch.

I grew up in a pretty neglectful, violent home. My mum was severely mentally ill, and my dad was pretty absent. We were always in and out of foster care. When my eldest sister was 16, she made a complaint to social services and was re-assessed, and moved into supported housing. The rest of us were sadly not as lucky.

When I was 16, my then 12-year-old sister started talking to weird men online. Our social worker told me there was nothing they could do about it until something happened. Six months later, she started posting naked photos of herself online... and as a result, Social Services took away her "Befriender".... an adult who used to come to take her out once or twice a week and talk to her about things.

Eventually, it escalated into her waiting naked outside the house for a 52-year-old man who was driving down from Scarborough to meet her. I read the messages between them and it made me feel utterly sick. She wouldn't come inside, the duty Social Worker didn't call back and the police were busy and wouldn't attend, they told me to call back if he turned up.

I'm not proud of it, but eventually, I pulled her out of the recycling box and dragged her inside. She fought me, badly. I had to go to A&E, with her and my littlest sibling, to get scratches to my eyes looked at... they reported us to Social Services, and long story short, they recorded that I had assaulted an unarmed minor. I wasn't convicted, but it shows up on the PNC, so any CRB checks, etc.

Last week I had a call from someone senior in Social Services who basically said that they shouldn't have taken the action that they did and I now have the opportunity to have this removed. It looks like I get one chance. They've said that I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.

I don't regret what happened if I'm honest. It was horrendous but it made social services pay attention to us, and my younger sisters were found longer-term foster care. But it's caused a great deal of random difficulty in my life, and I'd like it gone. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I was trying to help her. I don't believe I did hurt her - she was checked over, she was okay. She wanted to carry on living with me.

My sister can't write me a reference, she was diagnosed with a serious mental illness and has never had capacity. I have some references from other people but I don't know how much water they'll hold. I can explain my past - but I'm not quite sure how much detail to go in, bearing in mind that they said the biggest mistake people tend to make is not linking what they're saying to what happened? I can explain that I've been pretty successful in life, compared to what was expected of me...

I'm lost on where to start. It feels like a lifetime ago. I hate the idea of sharing a sob story... I'm hugely private and I hate people knowing of my childhood. I can write it, but explaining it feels so convoluted and long.

I've only just read this thread. My god - what you did was heroic, not just understandable!! You, a child at the time, probably saved your sister's life, whereas the adults around you stood back and did nothing. You should be incredibly proud of the resourcefulness and bravery you displayed!

@Throckmorton

I've only just read this thread. My god - what you did was heroic, not just understandable!! You, a child at the time, probably saved your sister's life, whereas the adults around you stood back and did nothing. You should be incredibly proud of the resourcefulness and bravery you displayed!

All of this.

@itallworkedouthorribly

Thank you for referring this back to me. At the time of the incident, I was living with X who suffered from illness leaving them incapacitated and unable to take care of my siblings and I. As the eldest child in the home, I felt responsible for the welfare of my younger siblings and tried to discharge this to the best of my ability, seeking help where appropriate. In (year) I became aware that sibling (name) was being targeted online by a sexual predator. I responded to this appropriately with concern and alarm, alerting social services and in occasion, the police, to the fact that she was in danger. I was greatly distressed for my sister and her safety and her well-being was my priority. This is evidenced by my request to Social services for help in behalf of my sister in relation to this matter. Social services advised that they were unable to help my sister until more events had occurred. They also withdrew the support of a befriended for my sister in response to my request for help, without offering any alternative. The effect of this was that I felt entirely responsible for safeguarding my sister. On (date) I was made aware that my sister, who has learning difficulties/reduced mental capacity was now in great danger as she was waiting naked outside our home to meet the sexual predator who has been grooming her online. I had seen evidence of this and fully believed that an abduction was being planned and my sister was in danger of assault and possibly murder. My sister indicated that she fully intended to get in the predator's car. In great fear for her life, I took action by contacting the police and social services. I met with no response from social services and the police advised that they would attend if the predator was on the premises. I believed that this would be too late to save my sister as she was already outside the home. After unsuccessfully attempting to reason with my sister, out of desperate concern for what might be done to her if she remained where she was, I attempted to bring her into the home using physical force. My concern for her safety and survival was the only motivating factor in this action and it was carried out after trying and failing to access other possible sources of help. I tried to bring my sister inside as gently as possible without causing harm to her and sustained physical injury to my own person while attempting to bring her to safety. My one thought was to prevent my vulnerable sibling from being the victim of an abduction. I have never acted in a violent way or tried to harm anyone at any time. I deeply regret any harm that was caused to my sister as a result of my attempt to move her to a place of safety and my ongoing concern has been for her continued safety and well being. Through the years, the notes on my record have caused me hardship through missed opportunities and I would be very grateful if this could be corrected.

This by @itallworkedouthorribly captured it all.

All the best OP, glad you sent it.

Actually, OP, you should complain about social services and the police, once you’ve been cleared of any wrong doing.

You took the fall for their incompetence.

Good luck AbsolutelyMortified

I hope you are entitled to some compensation for the effect the decision had on your life.

You’ve had some great advice here. This was an horrific situation for you especially when you were so young and I’m surprised you feel ashamed.

The key points I would check you have covered are these:

Your age
Her age
The fact neither parent could help.
The fact she was naked and that you had read messages online between her and the 52 year old man travelling to see her.
The fact she had exchanged naked photos.
The fact you tried to get help from the police and social services - neither of whom helped
The fact you sustained injuries trying to prevent what was likely to have been a sexual assault or abduction
The fact you have a clean record apart from that and that your sister has offered to give a positive reference but struggles with mental health.

Well done you are so brave! Maybe garner your experience and get involved with the English Care Review which is looking to change the care system in its entirety. Using your experience to make change to the system could stop this happening to others. ❤️

You should be incredibly proud of the resourcefulness and bravery you displayed!

This times a hundred. I am so sorry you and your siblings were let down so badly.

@growinggreyer

I should use the opportunity not to defend what I did, but to explain the circumstances, how they led to what happened, and why I'm no risk now.

I do think you should get legal advice before you send anything to social services. Who the hell do they think they are to talk to you like this? I bet someone has realized that you have a clearcut case against them. Add up a lifetime of insults and injuries and it could be a substantial sum. Not to mention that they are going to take a piece of writing by someone with no idea of the legal implications and use it to make judgements about your future? No, don't do this until you are totally sure you know who is asking, why they are asking and what the stakes are for you.

this exactly you shouldn't be having to clear your name, they should be trying to clear theirs I guess that you just want to draw a linbe under this and don't want a fuss but I thonk its worth speaking to a solicitor. You and your family deserve an apology, and an assurance that leasons have been learnt

This thread has just popped up for me as well. My goodness OP I agree with everyone else you were very badly let down.

As for social services how dare they make you wait around like this it's obvious they realise a mistake they should just correct it.

What if you life hadn't got better, would they still have bothered? and if they mess around and don't alter it OP I'd find a legal way to get it altered.

It's awful that for years you've been carrying this guilt and shame

Op I think you are amazing. What was you did for your sister was incredible.

Gosh @AbsolutelyMortified, I wish I’d seen your post back in February- I just want to say that I think you’re incredible for your fortitude and resilience. I will have everything crossed for you that you get your name cleared with an apology, you were very badly let down by your parents and the authorities. Hold your head high, you have nothing to be ashamed of. 💐

Just want to add my voice to all those praising your strength and resilience. I hope you get the apology you richly deserve.

And it’s great that the thread helps you see that none of this was your fault. You deserved support and compassion and you still deserve that now.

I think the way you explained it in your opening post is very clear and better than any of the well-intended rewrites by other posters.

What matters most is that your voice is heard. It is much more important than "tidying" it up which in effect is to again remove your voice from the conversation.

I am so sorry that you and your siblings were failed so horribly, and that you had such an appalling childhood.

I can't help but feel you should surely be entitled to some sort of compensation and/or funded therapy x

I have my fingers crossed that the "approval" is good news. It sounds as if you went through a horrific experience when you were a child yourself. Best of luck & I hope it helps you move on with your life.

@AbsolutelyMortified

I just wanted to pop back up and thank everybody for their comments.

I did get clarification on what they wanted, and eventually found a solicitor who had dealt with something similar before and talked to SS about exactly what they need from me. They advised that I write the letter myself, though, as they generally do better coming from the person involved.

I managed to write a four-page letter in the end - explaining what happened and why, and then showing where I've gone from there. It felt odd, and I'm not entirely sure that I did a good job, but I gave it my best shot. I supported it with letters from foster carers, friends, a counselling service I used, and a youth probation officer who I was referred to for "help" at the time. I also sent some professional references.

14 weeks later and I haven't heard anything yet, but this morning got told that it had been assessed and was now passed to a senior officer for "approval", which I'm hoping is good but I'm probably reading into that word far too much!

It's made the world of difference to me, probably stupidly, to hear that what I did was somewhat understandable, and re-reading this thread a few times over the weeks has lessened the guilt of what happened... so genuine thanks to you all, and I'll update with the verdict in the end, whatever it is.

I really hope you will get the result you want.

But more importantly I hope this thread and the new SS involvement has shown you how amazing/strong/resourceful/caring you have been.

One sentence stood out for me in your OP. That one good thing came out of that, that your younger siblings got LT foster care.
Yoor compassion and care is oozing from your posts.

This may or may not be useful to you.

I work in government and something being sent for 'approval just means someone has done all the work and made the decision already.
The approval part just means a quick sign off by a head of department to make sure everything is within the regulations. I would take this as meaning you'll hear something very soon.
Well done. I can't imagine how hard this must have been. xx

Ah OP well done for doing that and I do hope this means it will get approved. As others have said, you should feel no shame - quite the opposite. You had a less than shitty start in life and you were doing what you could do save your sister. I wish you all the very best x

More than shitty, not less than. You write a lot bloody better than I do!

I just thought I'd update, for everyone who commented.

Nearly 25 weeks later, I've just been told that I have been approved, and as of yesterday, it's been removed from my record.

I feel oddly emotional, and quite stunned, but I'm very happy. Thank you again for all the support - it made a massive difference, and it helped me to see that I still hold a lot of guilt over what happened, so I've been trying to work through that, too.

Well done, and I'm glad you've had a positive result. But you have been horrendously let down by professionals whose job it was to protect you. I think you should take this further.
It's very convenient for them that your record has been cleared. But it shouldn't mean that the evidence of their neglect has been wiped.

Congrats OP. I remember when you first posted. This is great news.
Personally I would make a formal complaint and take this further, but I am seething with anger on yours and your siblings behalf.
And obviously I didn’t have to live it. But I wish somehow you could get at least a fucking apology.
I was listening to the radio about all the “historic” cases when the systems in place let down young people immeasurably and a woman piped up and said, THEY STILL ARE. And not one police officer or social worker has ever been held accountable.

So congrats and don’t ever feel guilty for what you did. You did the only thing you could at the time. Which is more than most people could ever manage.