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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tried to help a friend and got shouted at

119 replies

Ytrigging · 14/02/2021 18:33

I have an old friend who has been struggling with relationships and her self esteem for a while. She has been relying on me quite heavily to get through it, for example calling most evenings and sometimes talking for hours. She once broke down in tears asking me why her current interest does not love her. Our lives are in quite different places, I live with my DH and we are expecting pfb in the summer. I think she comes to me because I have a different perspective to her other young single friends. We message everyday and speak on the phone most days. Today we had this conversation:

(No previous chat since yesterday)
Friend: Dating is the worst. Men are impossible.
Me: Are you ok? Did you speak to X or is this about someone else?
Friend: It's all of them!
Me: laughing emoji.
Friend: I've been thinking about my past. All men are bastards.
Friend: Except one.
Me: Who?
Friend: (The name of an ex boyfriend she dated for several years but they broke up 5+ years ago. He now lives with his wife and 2 children on a different continent).

We then switched to a phone call. I asked if she had been in contact with the ex today and whether that is helping her. She was pretty annoyed by my questions and insisted they're friends and he is a good person and she needs good friends now. I apologised for being judgemental and she snapped at me again. Then I asked if she is still in love with him. She yelled at me, told me it's none of my business, that wasn't what the conversation was about and then said she couldn't talk now and hung up.
I realise that I was extremely tactless to ask but I don't think it was an entirely foundationless assumption. Was I being unreasonable to think she might still love him? And, more importantly, was I being unreasonable to ask? I want to help her but I feel like we have the same conversation again and again and I don't know how to get out of it.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 16/02/2021 05:30

She’s jealous. She wants the sort of thing you have. Her ex also has the same. Steady partner and kids. It’s clearly a sore point. However not reason enough to be sharp with you.

Reset the relationship. Only engage when she’s nice to you. Cease contact for a few weeks each time she’s mean to you. Train her

Pluas · 16/02/2021 05:31

@Branleuse

I think shes leaning on you too heavily. Thats an excessive amount of therapeutic listening shes expecting you to do and it sounds like shes lost respect if she thinks she can shout at you. Id actually avoid her and take a big step back
Exactly this. When one person is the fragile/unhappy/troubled one and the other is the shoulder to cry on, the shoulder rapidly becomes invisible and also, if it doesn’t play ball, resented.

She’s forgotten you’re a fellow human being.

redcarbluecar · 16/02/2021 05:49

If you talk to her for hours most evenings, that might have skewed her perception of what to expect from you- you sound like an on demand counselling service rather than a normal human being/friend who also might want some support from time to time. It sounds as though you didn’t follow her script here. I possibly would send a message acknowledging the voicemail, but not something initiating further contact - maybe a ‘can see things are tough, take care of yourself’ type message or something brief but more direct telling her you’re tired and drained i.e. inviting her to consider YOUR perspective. However, it may be best just to leave it.

JustZooming · 16/02/2021 06:18

Why is she even a friend? Rude, needy and it seems very a one-sided “friendship”. I’d back right off, you might consider her a friend but she doesn’t behave like one.

Plus why speak every day, that seems a bit much.

MyOtherProfile · 16/02/2021 06:23

Wow. Sounds like she needs professional help. Well done for trying to be a good friend but definitely time to make some space.

penguinpostcard · 16/02/2021 06:35

'We then switched to a phone call. I asked if she had been in contact with the ex today and whether that is helping her. She was pretty annoyed by my questions and insisted they're friends and he is a good person and she needs good friends now. '

In other words, yes, she'd been in contact with him that day, and she was uneasy that you'd

penguinpostcard · 16/02/2021 06:37

Sorry, hadn't finished typing...

She was uneasy that you'd possibly realised what's going on. It sounds very much like she's still interested in him.

ChaToilLeam · 16/02/2021 06:53

She sounds demanding and an absolute drain. And yes, I think you saw right through her and she didn’t like it. Time for a break.

penguinpostcard · 16/02/2021 06:56

Definitely time for a break.

And if her ex is such a 'good friend', perhaps he'll be happy to take over the two hours of relationship counselling each night...

I'm sure that'd sit well with his wife and children.

Createsuser · 16/02/2021 07:03

I sense frustration here. The friend is stuck in negative behaviour and thought patterns and can’t get out so she is lashing out. I am sure she’s idealising the ex because he isn’t available so is “safe “. If it were me, if I liked that friend, I would tell them that I cared but didn’t want to be their punch bag and see how they reacted.

Standrewsschool · 16/02/2021 07:22

Ithink you’ve hit the nail on the head also.

Time to start withdrawing from this friendship. When you have your baby, you won’t have the time (or inclination) to indulge in her phone calls either.

You can still be there for her, but not everyday, and on your terms. Scale back the time and effort you pour into her. It sounds draining, to be honest.

pictish · 16/02/2021 07:27

If this were me she’d be gone, so I think you’re making the right decision not to reply. I wouldn’t bother responding to her ever again.

She has monopolised your time on a daily basis with her self-centred navel-gazing, which you have been far too readily available for. She has lost all respect for you now and sees you as a service that must not deviate from the script; the one in which she talk about herself and you give her as much airtime as she wants. You have set aside so much time and energy for her, she feels quite at liberty to be horrible to you. You’re her servant.

I hope you have the gumption to send her a final ‘get to fuck and stay there’ message before cutting her out for good. She can find some other sucker to monopolise with her shit now...and you can be sure she will.

pictish · 16/02/2021 07:31

Just realised I contradicted myself there saying she wouldn’t hear from me again. She would, but just the once.

snowydaysandholidays · 16/02/2021 07:36

I am not sure why you have let anyone take up this volume of your own precious time, however I am not totally buying into it.

You seem to have crossed over some boundaries of hers, not with the ex boyfriend so much but just encroaching on her life in a way that is too much for her. She sounds overwhelmed by your intrusion. A co dependent relationship between you and her that has turned sour.

She is lonely and can't turn away your attention as she has no one else, you seem to be feeding from the drama/her life and traumas and getting way too involved.

It sounds beyond unhealthy for both of you.

GarlicMonkey · 16/02/2021 07:42

She doesn't come to you because you 'have a different perspective'. She comes to you because people like her burn friends out & they dump her because she's too much hard work. You'll learn. People like her never listen unless you're agreeing with them & they never change.

Sceptre86 · 16/02/2021 07:44

You seem way too overinvested, talking for hours daily? I would back away from this friendship and focus on your family and the excitement of expecting your lo. You will meet new friends at a similar stage of life to you . Draw away and enjoy your own life, you will have to at some point (you won't have as much free time with a newborn) so why not do it sooner rather than later?

EugenesAxe · 16/02/2021 07:53

I guess that's why she's still single.

Agree you hit a nerve... next time perhaps just listen and let her talk it all out.

pictish · 16/02/2021 07:56

I agree that the amount of time you’ve dedicated to her is mind boggling. You’ve been in her thrall. Why?

SunshineCake · 16/02/2021 08:04

I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Quite often when someone is hung up on an ex there is more to it and less about the ex than they or others think.

Give what you can, be as kind and understanding as you can but you can't wear yourself out. You can only have help received when the recipient is ready.

SunshineCake · 16/02/2021 08:10

I missed the update. She's clearly hurting a lot but the rest of what I said still stands I think.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/02/2021 08:18

I see her point. She is clearly hurt and worried about her bad relationships she mentions one good one, who got rid of her and is happy with life with someone else which she desperately wishes she had.

Going on asking her if she still in love with him is very much rubbing salt on old wounds. She wanted comfort and instead you triggered more pain hence her snapping.

However I totally agree that she rides way too much in you for support and ultimately you are not a counsellor and just doing your best so she should be very grateful.

longwayoff · 16/02/2021 08:20

She's a vampire and you've failed to supply the support she gets from sucking your energy out of you, leaving her feeling better and you feeling drained. She gains, you lose, every time. It's time to find a new friend.

skodadoda · 16/02/2021 08:22

@EugenesAxe

I guess that's why she's still single.

Agree you hit a nerve... next time perhaps just listen and let her talk it all out.

OP has spent endless hours listening to ‘friend’ and had it thrown in her face. How about ‘friend’ doing some listening herself. When the baby is born OP will have neither time nor energy for this nonsense.
MyOtherProfile · 16/02/2021 08:27

@skodadoda agreed. Plus OP won't hear a word or get any support from this "friend" once baby arrives.

Monr0e · 16/02/2021 08:27

Does she ever ask about you? About how the pregnancy is going? How you feel about becoming a mother?

You most definitely will not be able to keep up this level of availability to her once baby arrives so she has done you a favour, use this as the perfect excuse to back away and focus on yourself and your family instead