Tried to help a friend and got shouted at

[Ytrigging]

I have an old friend who has been struggling with relationships and her self esteem for a while. She has been relying on me quite heavily to get through it, for example calling most evenings and sometimes talking for hours. She once broke down in tears asking me why her current interest does not love her. Our lives are in quite different places, I live with my DH and we are expecting pfb in the summer. I think she comes to me because I have a different perspective to her other young single friends. We message everyday and speak on the phone most days. Today we had this conversation:

(No previous chat since yesterday)
Friend: Dating is the worst. Men are impossible.
Me: Are you ok? Did you speak to X or is this about someone else?
Friend: It's all of them!
Me: laughing emoji.
Friend: I've been thinking about my past. All men are bastards.
Friend: Except one.
Me: Who?
Friend: (The name of an ex boyfriend she dated for several years but they broke up 5+ years ago. He now lives with his wife and 2 children on a different continent).

We then switched to a phone call. I asked if she had been in contact with the ex today and whether that is helping her. She was pretty annoyed by my questions and insisted they're friends and he is a good person and she needs good friends now. I apologised for being judgemental and she snapped at me again. Then I asked if she is still in love with him. She yelled at me, told me it's none of my business, that wasn't what the conversation was about and then said she couldn't talk now and hung up.
I realise that I was extremely tactless to ask but I don't think it was an entirely foundationless assumption. Was I being unreasonable to think she might still love him? And, more importantly, was I being unreasonable to ask? I want to help her but I feel like we have the same conversation again and again and I don't know how to get out of it.

people who ask advice and then chuck the toys are not worth bothering with. Step back. Why try to contact her at the risk of another bitching?

She just wanted to rant and let it out.

But you should back away a bit. Still be friends but without so much reliance on you, otherwise it'll hit her really hard when baby is born and you have your own worries and you'll be occupied. You don't need this much pressure on you right now.

Thanks everyone. This friend was an amazing support when we both worked in a really tough, emotional and exhausting job together. We got into the habit of venting about our days to each other back then because it was a “safe” outlet. I have actually known her for much longer than that though. We both have new jobs now and I haven’t vented to her for years but she has continued to vent to me when she has been having difficulties. She lives alone and lockdown was really hard for her so I’ve been trying to be available for her but this is the motivation I needed to cool things off.

Communicate less often, and try to keep it lighthearted. Moaning that all men are crap to someone who's happily married is weird anyway. If she starts down this track just say "I know ha ha" and change the subject. She should be trying to enjoy life without relying on a relationship to give her everything she needs, and whilst an occasional rant is good, I don't think it's necessarily helping her to encourage this constant obsessive going over past relationships

Thanks for the responses everyone. I got an audio WhatsApp message from the “friend” today which has simplified the process of distancing myself. She was really angry and told me that there was zero reason to bring up the ex who is now a married father of 2 living in a different country or to ask if or when she talks to him or why because the conversation had literally nothing to do with that. She feels I am judging her from my perfect life and giving her unsolicited advice. I was expecting an apology so another angry message was the final straw. I haven’t replied to her and I don’t think I will.

She owes you an apology.

Sounds like you touched a nerve, and that she does want somethimg more than friendship with him. She shouldnt have reacted to you like that. Shes a drain on you i think.

Sounds like you are an unpaid counsellor now bing ticked off for your efforts! Talk about no good deed unpunished!

Just seen your update.. I agree just leave it..

Sounds absolutely exhausting, I couldn't even speak to my best friend every single day!

How selfish and rude. It’s horrible but maybe better to have received this angry reply to help you decide whether it’s worse bothering with this friendship or not. It would be interesting to see if she makes an equal effort with you when you have your baby.

I have a colleague who’s similar (but not angry/rude to me) and it’s so boring to listen to. Any kind of ideas/suggestions for something that might help are ignored even though she asks me for advice. I think some people do just want to moan on for sympathy.

Sounds like she's just handed you a reason to take a breather from her on a plate. She'll be back of course.

I have a friend like this and tbh she drives me up the wall sometimes, same conversation all the time. I found trying to be empathic towards her sometimes helped. Phrases like 'gosh that sounds really difficult for you' or 'i can hear you're sad' whenever she started down the single route or I hate men conversations. Just agree with her, it takes the wind out of their sails but also makes them feel you've understood. Doesn't always work, sometimes she's then go on to talk about other things, sometimes not.

What a needy bore this person is. I expect she's sitting there imagining you're worried about upsetting her and how you are going to apologise. It probably hasn't entered her head that she needs you more than you need her and that you are, quite rightly, annoyed with her. I think you were right not to reply, I'd continue doing that if I were you. My guess is she will send a couple more angry messages then leave it a few days and message you again as though nothing has happened and expecting you to carry on as you were before. Just ignore every message now, unless she personally attacks you and you and you need to defend yourself.

Well that will teach you to try and play councillor to a narcissistic child.

Lesson learned

She's done you a favour - I can't see any way back for her after that voice message!
She brought up the ex first and talked about him. Given what she said, it was a natural question to ask if she was still in love with him. Absolutely didn't warrant an outburst. What an odd person. Even if at a later date she calms down and apologises, I'd ignore her.
Your life will soon be full with a little one on the way and you wont have time for the drama.

Wow, what an update! I agree, ignore her from now on. People like her don't want help, they want positive attention and life's too short to spend worrying about selfish needy people.

I think shes leaning on you too heavily. Thats an excessive amount of therapeutic listening shes expecting you to do and it sounds like shes lost respect if she thinks she can shout at you.
Id actually avoid her and take a big step back

You’re well rid OP!

She sounds like real hard work! Tbh I wouldn't have the time or patience and would have backed off long ago. Enjoy her silence for not and perhaps set boundaries for the future - leave it longer between replies and don't get involved in the detail. If you do get into a conversation again take the conversation to another topic/perspective.
Her - Men are impossible!
You - Ha ha, it can seem like that. Anyway what have you been doing today?
Her - goes on about men..
You - Apart from that have you done your [baking/gardening/admin or whatever]
Each time she goes back to the topic take it somewhere else. Don't spend as long on the phone "Well I'd best get on I'm cooking something special for dinner/about to pop to the shop/want to finish my knitting/baking/cleaning the car."

I actually wouldn’t talk to her again unless she apologises first.

Why do you bother with her?

And why have you not stopped doing so years ago?

Really weird of you to bring up the one good guy she knew- who is happily married with a family when she is struggling! Then randomly ask if she's in love with him.
How was that at all helpful?
Just steer conversation to lighter topics in future.

Couldn’t you just say “ I’m not in the dating game anymore and to be honest do t know what it’s like out there now.Maybe x ( single friend name) would be able to help on that side? ”

Goldielockdown2, I didn’t bring up the “only” good man she knows. When I asked who the “except one” comment applied to I was expecting it to be about one of the many men currently in her life. I didn’t know it was going to be a callback to a man from years ago.

Google "learned helplessness" and walk away from her. She's an absolute drain. You will soon have the joy of a new baby to focus on, and the valid reason of absolutely no time.
I have had a couple of "friends" like this in the past and the relief I felt when I realised that I didn't have to put up with their endless problems was enormous.
Life's too short to spend it with people who bleed you dry, emotionally.

Well she's made your break with her a lot easier by that voice message!! Clean break, she can put in the effort now if she wants to, but on your terms not hers