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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mom shaming needs to stop....

59 replies

Ltdannygreen · 14/02/2021 17:12

More of a statement than an AIBU. mum shaming needs to stop. It’s daunting enough bringing a life into this world without getting shamed by people who think they are perfect parents. Newsflash no one is perfect. Babies don’t come holding an instruction manual when they are born. New parents especially learn as they go, you grow with your child. You learn from mistakes.
In my opinion mum shaming is usually a cover for thier own insecurities, it’s condescending, vicious and a form of mental abuse. Some people probably don’t realise they are doing it so in some cases it’s not what you say but the way you say it. I personally don’t pay attention to others opinions and March to the beat of my own drum, always have and always will but I’ve seen it with a few new mothers I know.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/02/2021 17:19

Impossible to say, unless you explain to us what you mean.

Who is 'Mom shaming'?
Where ?
Do you mean some sort of social media stuff or do you mean you prefer to ignore advice that is medically or scientifically backed up ?

Pinkblueberry · 14/02/2021 17:23

I think to be ‘shamed’ you need to already hold some insecurities about your parenting. I’m confident with mine - I don’t know what anyone can say that would make me feel ‘shamed’ tbh.

Original poster

Ltdannygreen · 14/02/2021 17:30

@BackforGood

Impossible to say, unless you explain to us what you mean.

Who is 'Mom shaming'?
Where ?
Do you mean some sort of social media stuff or do you mean you prefer to ignore advice that is medically or scientifically backed up ?

Why does it matter if it’s scientifically backed up. How hard is it for people to keep thier opinions to themselves. Different if someone asks for it then for sure give your opinion. I’m talking about someone posting a simple picture and the mum getting ripped to pieces over stupid stuff like the placement of an item nearby, or what they are wearing. I’ve seen mum shaming happen on here. Some of the replies have been vile. How people think this is an acceptable way to treat people is beyond me.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/02/2021 17:41

Why does it matter if it’s scientifically backed up.

Because you've started a thread without really giving any detail or context about what you are talking about.

Yes, I think it does matter if someone - whether that be through lack of knowledge or neglect or cruelty or whatever reason - is doing something that could potentially harm the child.

No, I may roll my eyes inwardly, but I don't think it acceptable to be publicly critical because someone dresses their child in stuff that looks ridiculous.

That's why it matters what you are talking about.

Fairyliz · 14/02/2021 17:42

Sorry but I think we need some examples.
There is often several ways of doing something and which one works best will depend on the child and the mother.
Yes people have different ideas but I’ve never felt shamed by other doing things differently if I am secure in my choices.

ClangingChimesofDoom · 14/02/2021 17:44

Who is mom shaming? Are you in the USA OP?

Emeraldshamrock · 14/02/2021 17:45

I personally don’t pay attention to others opinions and March to the beat of my own drum, always have and always will but I’ve seen it with a few new mothers I know
You must pay attention otherwise you wouldn't start a thread on it. Can you give some examples? Is it super mums on a WhatsApp group? I do me let them do themself.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 17:45

I think unless you have specific examples it's impossible to agree or disagree.

I will judge a mother - or father - who smokes over their pram or moves their new partner in with their kids after 2 weeks, for example.

However it does always seem to be that women are exclusively the ones labelled bad parents whilst men are fawned over and praised for merely not abandoning or abusing their kids. I'm a single mum and if I had a pound for every time someone told me I'm "so lucky" because exH has the kids EOW, well I'd be living in a much bigger house for a start. Even my own mother said "At least he's not like other men where he's abandoned them". Yeah, lucky me

Pluas · 14/02/2021 17:45

Who is ‘mom shaming’? Is this some kind of social media storm in a tea cup?

JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/02/2021 17:46

What are you talking about?

ChonkyChook · 14/02/2021 17:47

You fed your newborn chicken nuggets didn't you?

TillyTopper · 14/02/2021 17:50

You can't change people - but you can change your reaction to them and choose not to engage with them. I am a mum of 2 DS, both late teens I've not felt the pressure that many women describe (which I what I assume you mean by Mom shaming).

Why haven't I felt it? Obviously it's not because I'm perfect - it's because I'm only linked to a few close friends on SM, I have proper friends that I meet in real life not false friends. I don't worry what anyone says apart from a few real friends and close family like DH. Problem solved. Perhaps it's who you cultivate as friends rather than linking to the crazies who make you feel bad.

DaisyHeadMaisy · 14/02/2021 17:53

Depends what you are talking about, something like saying a mum is disgusting for breastfeeding or lazy for formula feeding is absolutely not OK. Discussing the health benefits of breastfeeding or saying that bottle propping is a health risk is not shaming formula feeding mums.

Sometimes the safety of children must always come before a mother's feelings, so that post about that woman who had 10(?) very young children all by surrogates deserves the criticism IMHO. Or telling a Mum it is not OK to let a child cry it out all night is just fine.

crystalpaula · 14/02/2021 18:00

Depends what it is. If it's something that is potentially harmful to the child, the mum might not know until someone tells them eg. the risks of cot bumpers. But then they might know the risks and made an informed decision to use anyway and that is their choice. But then you get the ones who are quick to jump in because you gave your baby solids a week before they hit the 6 month guideline and will tell you you're deliberate harming your child, so there's two sides to this.

Pinkblueberry · 14/02/2021 18:01

something like saying a mum is disgusting for breastfeeding or lazy for formula feeding is absolutely not OK.

I agree it’s not ok. But on the flip side, why would someone buy into such silly opinions and let them make them feel ashamed? As a pp said if you feel secure in your choices why let it get you down? I’d be irritated and baffled by the rudeness for sure, but I wouldn’t be questioning my parenting choices or feeling ‘shamed’ because of it. Some people are unkind idiots when it comes to judging others parenting but most people aren’t. I don’t really understand why you would focus on the negative few when you know they’re talking crap anyway.

Pluas · 14/02/2021 18:03

@ChonkyChook

You fed your newborn chicken nuggets didn't you?

And handed them their first Gitane while the placenta was still being delivered?

Original poster

Ltdannygreen · 14/02/2021 18:05

One example being....
Baby in a snowsuit in travel push chair so was a car seat because obviously a 6 weeks old baby. Mum noted they were just going for a walk... she got instantly abused. SHe will over heat in a snow suit. You shouldn’t take a baby out in a car seat, they shouldn’t be in a car seat with a jacket on. Now I know that’s true as I’m very conscious of making sure mine don’t wear jackets in the car. They are 13 and 8. I wouldn’t have minded but she clearly stated she was going for a walk so no intentions of taking baby in the car. She doesn't even drive.
I then saw the same thing happen with a celebrity later that day and some of the things said were vile. Single mum doing her best, learning with as she goes, she needs people’s support not people bringing her down for every little thing. I know some of these are keyboard warriors who wouldn’t say boo to goose outside that’s what makes it worse. Making people feel shit hiding behind thier own insecurities.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ltdannygreen · 14/02/2021 18:06

I’m mostly referring to people that personally attack someone’s parenting choices just because it’s not the way they do it. That is not okay.

OP posts:

Bitcherama · 14/02/2021 18:15

Ooh, a new form of "sgaking"! Can't have too many of those!

Bitcherama · 14/02/2021 18:16

Shaming, even

Bitcherama · 14/02/2021 18:18

I don't really get this though. Isn't this like a post saying people shouldn't drive badly or something? Will anyone really disagree? Were people here really unaware of this?

UserID779 · 14/02/2021 18:20

@ClangingChimesofDoom

Who is mom shaming? Are you in the USA OP?

There are places in the U.K. that use mom rather than mum @ClangingChimesofDoom

Pluas · 14/02/2021 18:22

@Ltdannygreen

One example being.... Baby in a snowsuit in travel push chair so was a car seat because obviously a 6 weeks old baby. Mum noted they were just going for a walk... she got instantly abused. SHe will over heat in a snow suit. You shouldn’t take a baby out in a car seat, they shouldn’t be in a car seat with a jacket on. Now I know that’s true as I’m very conscious of making sure mine don’t wear jackets in the car. They are 13 and 8. I wouldn’t have minded but she clearly stated she was going for a walk so no intentions of taking baby in the car. She doesn't even drive. I then saw the same thing happen with a celebrity later that day and some of the things said were vile. Single mum doing her best, learning with as she goes, she needs people’s support not people bringing her down for every little thing. I know some of these are keyboard warriors who wouldn’t say boo to goose outside that’s what makes it worse. Making people feel shit hiding behind thier own insecurities.

So snowsuit mother was ‘abused’ by multiple people as she attempted to take her newborn for a walk? Or someone made a comment?

Honestly, OP, I couldn’t begin to tell you how many elderly Turkish women regularly told me my baby would freeze to death (London heatwave, we were under trees in the park daily with him in a nappy and vest at about 35 degrees), but it never even occurred to me to regard it as some kind of insult.

Chunkymenrock · 14/02/2021 18:26

Plastering your life all over social media is asking for trouble. There is just no need. I'm sick of people doing it. Just get on with being a good Mum and bringing up your child.

Sally872 · 14/02/2021 18:32

I agree OP.

If my friend was taking their baby in a car in a snowsuit I might drop into conversation the latest research on this in a kind/sensitive way. I would never slag the mum off on social media or try to make her feel like an unfit parent.

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