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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mom shaming needs to stop....

59 replies

Ltdannygreen · 14/02/2021 17:12

More of a statement than an AIBU. mum shaming needs to stop. It’s daunting enough bringing a life into this world without getting shamed by people who think they are perfect parents. Newsflash no one is perfect. Babies don’t come holding an instruction manual when they are born. New parents especially learn as they go, you grow with your child. You learn from mistakes.
In my opinion mum shaming is usually a cover for thier own insecurities, it’s condescending, vicious and a form of mental abuse. Some people probably don’t realise they are doing it so in some cases it’s not what you say but the way you say it. I personally don’t pay attention to others opinions and March to the beat of my own drum, always have and always will but I’ve seen it with a few new mothers I know.

OP posts:
Hamster1111 · 14/02/2021 18:33

You have to put yourself out there to be shamed in the first place where social media is concerned.

If a stranger says something... it's a comment. It's not dramatic 'shaming'.

I agree with a PP. I've rarely felt shamed because I feel confident in my choices. I say rarely because I am not totally immune to others opinions. But most of the time I dont care what people say. I'm a good mum doing my best and my children seem well adjusted and happy.

I think it sounds like you need to ignore other peoples opinions a little more and be kind to yourself.

maybemu · 14/02/2021 18:34

Clearly talking about Dani Dyer Hmm

She put her child in a car seat in a puffy all in one

It has been proven that they can overheat and the seatbelts are tight enough in all in one like that.

Never considered people are just trying to help.

hammeringinmyhead · 14/02/2021 18:35

Some things are down to opinion, and some down to personal choice, but others are generally accepted to be bad practice and high-risk. If I had a friend regularly falling asleep on the sofa with a newborn, for example, I'd have to say something as if the worst happened I'd always wish I had.

CallistoSol · 14/02/2021 18:36

Some people (including 'moms') absolutely should be shamed about their parenting because they are crap parents.

BlueTimes · 14/02/2021 18:38

Goodness OP, you sound hard work.

Sometimes people are trying to help, sometimes new parents genuinely don’t know the right way to do something and sometimes other people don’t realise they are giving wrong or outdated advice. It’s not always shaming to have a quick conversation about it.

ChippyChickenChips · 14/02/2021 18:42

I’m talking about someone posting a simple picture and the mum getting ripped to pieces over stupid stuff like the placement of an item nearby

If I saw a picture of a toddler sitting next to an open bottle of bleach I'd comment. Or a box of matches. But you're not giving enough detail

ChippyChickenChips · 14/02/2021 18:50

It has been proven that they can overheat and the seatbelts are tight enough in all in one like that

I used to do this all the time many moons ago. I would have appreciated someone giving me a heads up.

soresore · 14/02/2021 18:50

Danny dyer?

Boardeduplife · 14/02/2021 18:50

Slebs totally set themselves up for criticism by behaving as though they were the only woman ever to have a baby, and start giving out advice like they are some kind of expert. I’ve no sympathy for them to be honest.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/02/2021 18:53

The phrase “[XYZ] shaming” is so bloody annoying

Getting your life off social media would help a lot

gamerchick · 14/02/2021 18:54

@Bitcherama

Ooh, a new form of "sgaking"! Can't have too many of those!
I dunno sgaking has a bit of a ring to it Grin
Meowtha · 14/02/2021 18:58

Oh god, celebrity social media. 🤮

Emeraldshamrock · 14/02/2021 19:10

Danny dyer?
I suspect it is.
I didn't see the comments but I did see the photo. Babies cannot regulate their temperature the baby was over dressed.

Original poster
Ltdannygreen · 14/02/2021 19:12

Can I just clarify im Totally content with my own parenting, never have or never will take peoples unwanted opinions, I have and 8 and 13 year old, it’s never bothered me what other people say about my parenting, I know it’s enough for my kids that’s what matters. I get it more as DS has asd so I’m always getting peoples opinions on what I should and shouldn’t be doing despite them having no clue about autism. I just find it rude when people try to push thier parenting choices on you and then make you out to be a bad parent because it s not the way they do it. Yes this happens. New moms need support not grief. I’m not saying don’t give advice I’m saying except not everyone parents the same and not everyone knows all the supposed rules associated with bringing up kids nowadays so be mindful in how you put across the advice.
I do find it funny... generations before us bringing up kids and now there’s a mammoth list of what not to do. How did me, my kids survive without the dos and dont’s of this new generation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ltdannygreen · 14/02/2021 19:16

@Emeraldshamrock

Danny dyer? I suspect it is. I didn't see the comments but I did see the photo. Babies cannot regulate their temperature the baby was over dressed.
Not for going out for a walk he wasn’t, DS was born in January, I’d be damned if I didn’t put him in a snowsuit to go for a walk. Guess what he turned out just fine. No overheating... dd too. If we went in the car which we didn’t get until dd was born they most certainly wasn’t in a snowsuit purely because it’s dangerous. Even now non of us wear coats in the car. But there’s ways of putting advice across without being vile about it.
OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/02/2021 19:18

My dd travelled in a snowsuit back in the early 2000s. In fact, we had a bedtime story created around her snowsuit.

But I didn’t know it was dangerous.

And I didn’t post photos on social media.

People are cruel and social media is a cesspit.

hammeringinmyhead · 14/02/2021 19:25

Well given that in the US:

"SIDS rates declined considerably from 130.3 deaths per 100,000 live births in 1990 to 35.2 deaths per 100,000 live births in 2018."

Arguably changes in sleeping positions, mothers not smoking, better knowledge about feet to foot and room temperatures etc. saved 100 babies in 2018 compared to 1990.

Pinkblueberry · 14/02/2021 19:26

I do find it funny... generations before us bringing up kids and now there’s a mammoth list of what not to do. How did me, my kids survive without the dos and dont’s of this new generation.

Well of course most children were fine, but ideally you want as many as possible to be fine so getting annoyed about sensible advice to keep children safe is pretty unreasonable and ignorant. My mum smoked through two pregnancies, me and by DB we’re fine, I’m sure many others, even most, we’re too but I still wouldn’t recommend it on that basis Hmm

Iamfudgingfreezing · 14/02/2021 19:28

It doesn’t really change even when kids are older. Mainly on social media or places like mumsnet.

Where they are behind a screen. There is one person on here who brings up how a bad mother I am to my ds even on a completely unrelated thread 🤣
Think it just makes them feel important !

Whitecup4 · 14/02/2021 19:29

I think your way off OP.
Now a days it seems “cool” to not be to bothered about your kids and be more bothered about your “self-mental health” and jet off on foreign holidays and call your kids little shits.

Lorianmando · 14/02/2021 19:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Createsuser · 14/02/2021 19:32

Is this about the woman who was accused of overdressing her child so he was too hot? I have to agree certain people over judge and criticise and if the mother is tired/fed up overwhelmed it can be too much. Far better to be supportive and offer help. Or make a friendly comment. Each to their own.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/02/2021 19:32

I do find it funny... generations before us bringing up kids and now there’s a mammoth list of what not to do. How did me, my kids survive without the dos and dont’s of this new generation.

This is just such a stupid thing to say because while you have been fine, many many babies DID die of things like SIDS which has been linked to overheating

Createsuser · 14/02/2021 19:36

To me the difference is :- inadvertently putting your child in an all in one=accident, no malice; going on a three day bender snorting coke and picking up a new man while your three under tens forage through the bins- worth a mention

DaisyHeadMaisy · 14/02/2021 19:40

Lorianmando

Same, my first always wore a snow suit in his carseat, I didn't realise it was dangerous. Someone told me in a kind way when DS2 was small and I thanked them, had a look online about it and changed what I did. Of course we could say well DS1 always wore his snow suit in the carseat and he's fine, but then thankfully we never crashed our car.