Issue when dinner is ready?

[Anonyy]

I cook 90% of the time (the other 10% DP cooks for himself, he never makes meals for me/the family)

But the one thing that annoys me is nearly every time I call through to say dinner is ready he sometimes acknowledges I've said it by saying ok or whatever and other times he doesn't say anything. And then he will continue to watch tv/ or mostly be watching a video on his phone for 5 mins until I normally repeat its ready and he'll come to get it. If I don't repeat myself he'll easily wait 10 mins before coming to get it and the rest of the family are halfway through eating the meal. This isn't a one off, this is every time.

Don't get me wrong he's not a child and I dont expect him to come running through immediately but when a tv can be paused or a phone can be put down surely its polite to come and eat a meal someone has cooked for you before it goes cold?

Sometime I call my 13 yr old a couple of times to say dinner is ready as he hasnt appeared the first time and my DP makes a point of saying he should come when I first say it, but he never does!

Maybe I'm being completely unreasonable, but if somebody was cooking for me I'd come and get my plate when it was ready unless I really couldn't at that moment.

Thoughts?

I always give people 10-15 mins notice, in case they need to finish off what they're doing.

We very rarely all sit at the table together, due to a combination of things, eldest DC is very fussy, DP will get home late at least a couple of days a week and the table has to be pulled out for 4 of us to sit round it as we have it against the wall to save space.

As eldest DC is fussy and if DP is due home late I sometimes make a separate meal for the kids earlier on which they eat and then me and DP will eat after youngest is in bed so we usually eat on the couch then.

Obviously the table isn't even an issue but if we are all eating at the same time I'll say just let me pull the table out so DP can sit down too and he'll say no and sit on the couch rather than with us. So we'll often all be starting to eat at the table and his plate is still in the kitchen waiting for him to go get it. I dont bring it through to the table as he always adds salt etc which he does in the kitchen.
I can't think of the last time he sat at the table..

@Dontjumptoconclusions we had takeaway last night as it was valentines day, funnily enough he didn't leave that on the side to go cold!

He is treating you with contempt. He sees your time as less important than his. It's disrespectful

What does he do with the extra money if you share bills 50:50?

Does he do anything with your youngest DC?

He sounds awful, I wouldn’t put up with this shit. My husbands cooks for us all the time, we share all the work at home. If I cook be washed up and vice versa. He makes you do all the work at home, and also contribute 50% of the money for bills etc, and then just sits on his arse? What does he do with al of his extra money? He sounds like a waste of space.

You need to look at the plus and negative if staying with him. If he wants a 59’s housewife where you do every then tell him that includes him doing his part, being the man bringing in the money and you aren’t going to be contributing 50:50

You've got the raw deal OP, you do realise that don't you?

You pay 50:50 but don't earn as much to be able to do this, and take all the household and childcare responsibilities.

Can you switch to a pro-rata system instead? So you put into the pot a percentage of what you earn, to cover the bills. Then that's nice and fair.

If I were you, I'd also work out how many hours you are doing homeschooling above your 3 days a week working from home, so maybe for sake of argument it's 20 hours a week, then work out the difference you've gone over had you been working the same hours as DH (presumably the standard 37.5 hours a week?) and split that EQUALLY.
Then, on top of all that, he needs to cook half the week, and so half the housework. He's an intelligent human capable of holding down a job so if he can master driving a car to get there, he can certainly master a washing machine. It's very simple. He can just stick to the same programme for everything and just learn that one cycle!

Nope, he's got into a habit of using and abusing you, and he won't volunteer to get out of that habit. It can be hard to decide to be the one to instigate change when you know there'll be resistance (and a lot of mud-slinging, he's already called you unreasonable then you're clearly not). But it's the only way to do it.

The issue here is not (only) the late to dinner thing, it's the contempt he holds you in.

He's got It all his own way hasn't he? You pay 50% of expenses but he does 0% of the household jobs! Surely where the woman works PT and picks up the home chores it's in exchange for being financially supported by the man. Ugh.

With regard specifically to the dinner thing, I think it's different if you're late because you're doing another household/family job which is hard to drop immediately, or if you're pleasing yourself messing around on your phone/gaming/watching tv. sometimes my H calls me for lunch and I'm cleaning the bog and it takes me a couple of minutes to finish it, take rubber gloves off, put bleach away, wash hands. Likewise I might call him for dinner and he's putting youngest to bed and just needs to finish a story. If he was just watching tv and couldn't be bothered to move yet it would be cold dinner for him! Rude!

We also contribute 50/50 to household bills at his request despite the fact I obviously earn less, which is fine but also unfair that he also expects me to do all household jobs which when you have 2 kids and 2 pets is a full time job in itself sometimes!

You are being taken for a ride. You pay 50% of the household bills but do 100% of the childcare and housework. Also, are you sure you only pay 50%? Who buys clothes/presents and other things for the children?

My immediate reaction in your shoes would be to stop cooking for him altogether (or indeed, doing any chores for him). He's not supporting you at all financially so why should you support him domestically? You may save money on the shopping bills if you're only cooking for three.

He sounds like a selfish arse. I hope you're ok . I'm actually fuming on your behalf.

What a horrible man.
He has such contempt for you, you’re even subsidising him to treat you like shit.

You’re worth so much more

Oh OP, you are worth more than this. The 50/50 finances but nothing else is really not OK.

Who pays for childcare?

why the hell are you paying 50-50?

[quote Anonyy]@funnylittlefloozie to be honest I dont even have a valid excuse for why he doesnt cook for me/us except for he clearly doesnt care and think it's my job. The 10% he cooks is when he has a steak which nobody else in the house likes.

He doesnt do anything else round the house either so I dont know why I'm surprised![/quote]
You have a big problem here.

I do the cooking here and my OH does the majority of the cleaning. We eat with the kids so dinnertime is shortly after his work day finishes so sometimes he doesn't come immediately. In these scenarios, I call through letting him know it'll be ready in 5 mins and then call through saying "it's ready we're eating now", I leave his dinner on the side and go eat.

If he's late he'll apologise and microwave his own meal. Equally if know he'll be late I may delay dinnertime so we can all eat together.

He will ALWAYS thank me for dinner and say it's nice. And on the rare occasion he cooks, it's for all of us.

Why do you accept having a partner who does nothing around the house?

That must be so infuriating and upsetting.

My ex did this and it infuriated me because it was all about winding me up and being deliberately disrespectful. He resented me in many ways due to being more educated, my family’s background, having a better job etc, so, he tried to get to me by not appearing at the dinner table and letting his meal sit there. He refused to leave (my) house and I was too exhausted to get him out sooner but I stopped putting his dinner plate somewhere safe and let the dogs eat it who very much appreciated it.

OP, in your case it obviously is a symptom of bigger issues too.

Cook for you and the kids. Eat with you and the kids. Leave him to sort out his own food, washing and so-called "wife work".

He think you're his servant.