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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issue when dinner is ready?

91 replies

Anonyy · 14/02/2021 16:59

I cook 90% of the time (the other 10% DP cooks for himself, he never makes meals for me/the family)

But the one thing that annoys me is nearly every time I call through to say dinner is ready he sometimes acknowledges I've said it by saying ok or whatever and other times he doesn't say anything. And then he will continue to watch tv/ or mostly be watching a video on his phone for 5 mins until I normally repeat its ready and he'll come to get it. If I don't repeat myself he'll easily wait 10 mins before coming to get it and the rest of the family are halfway through eating the meal. This isn't a one off, this is every time.

Don't get me wrong he's not a child and I dont expect him to come running through immediately but when a tv can be paused or a phone can be put down surely its polite to come and eat a meal someone has cooked for you before it goes cold?

Sometime I call my 13 yr old a couple of times to say dinner is ready as he hasnt appeared the first time and my DP makes a point of saying he should come when I first say it, but he never does!

Maybe I'm being completely unreasonable, but if somebody was cooking for me I'd come and get my plate when it was ready unless I really couldn't at that moment.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 14/02/2021 20:14

Start insisting that he helps to plate up , you’re not his waitress

StripeyDeckchair · 14/02/2021 20:21

I once threw his Sunday roast dinner at exH.
He frequentlydid this. On this day I'd given multiple warnings - 1hr, 1/2 h 15 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins, its on the table.
I'd sat at the table and gad started my desert when he came in & then complained his meal was cold.
Walker
Just one of the reasons hes an ex - he had no respect for anything I did.

trilbydoll · 14/02/2021 20:22

I give a 5/10 minute warning and I only shout once. Sometimes no-one comes in and I eat my hot dinner in peace and then they come sloping in and have to eat it cold. Sometimes I plate it up so it does get cold and sometimes I leave it in the pan for him to serve himself. I don't always cook for DH and if it doesn't occur to him to cook when I am then that's not my problem either.

Basically it is rude and disrespectful but I don't let it bother me, my dinner is hot and that's all that affects me.

mywifi · 14/02/2021 20:24

I tell them when I am starting the dinner and what time it will be ready. I tell them once when it is ready and if they don't come I leave it on the side in the kitchen, if it goes cold it is their problem not mine.

funnylittlefloozie · 14/02/2021 20:25

You're definitely NOT being unreasonable. Are you going to put your foot down about it?

My exH was awful about coming for his dinner - i pandered to him for years, getting more and more resentful over time. My new DP helps me cook, washes up and often makes dinner. I can highly recommend sacking off a crappy man and getting a decent one instead.

SwanShaped · 14/02/2021 20:25

You’re not being unreasonable. That’s so rude. He doesn’t seem to care much about the effort you make in the home

ineedanewbum · 14/02/2021 20:26

If he's in the house while dinner is cooking why is he not helping you? Even if not cooking he could set the table, get the drinks and make sure the kids are seated and ready.
Otherwise stop calling him! He knows you're cooking. He hears you calling the kids. Leave his on the side and eat your own. If he has a problem he can grow up a bit and not be an extra child. I wouldn't call him even once. Unless I was feeling generous😂

LannieDuck · 14/02/2021 20:31

Why does he do nothing around the house? Does he work and you're a SAHM? (not that that should excuse him from all housework)

MustardMitt · 14/02/2021 20:35

He sounds like a waste of space. What exactly does he bring to your life?

For this specific issue - no I don’t have it, because we all have respect for each other and if we’re not coming to the table immediately will shout in. Otherwise I will and do start without him/the kids and they apologise to me when they show up. DH and I work well together also in that he does most of the house stuff as he’s a SAHD and I WFH full time but I still do my fair share. It’s not fair that you pick up the slack for everything.

MessAllOver · 14/02/2021 20:50

Yes, you're right. You have a much bigger issue than him not coming when called for dinner. But, since you asked, YANBU to get annoyed about this issue.

I have several suggestions for what you could do, but most of them involve actual violence. A start, however, would be to stop cooking for him and just cook for you and the children. Dish the three of you up and put the rest in containers in the freezer for other meals. Let him sort himself out 100% of the time.

drinkstoomuchwine · 14/02/2021 20:53

My father does this. Every single meal my mum has served up to him over 40 years.
He finishes whatever he’s doing, then always goes to the loo. Arriving 5-10 mins later.
He came from a large family (8 children) - he’s never said anything about it, but I can only think that as a child the first at the table got it in the neck from exhausted mother/cook/bottle washer. Unpleasant atmosphere maybe.
Or perhaps first to arrive was asked to wash up. But clearly some sort of avoidance behaviour there ...
Nothing like that OP?
Or is he just rude?

saveforthat · 14/02/2021 20:56

What do you mean by "come and get your plate" Does he take it away or eat at the table with you?

SpudsandGravy · 14/02/2021 21:11

He sounds like yet another bloke who has never learned to behave like an adult :-(

SarahBellam · 14/02/2021 21:21

Tell him that you are not going to cook for him and DS anymore and they can grab something at a time more convenient to them.

Therealjudgejudy · 14/02/2021 21:29

Stop cooking for him. He has zero respect for you but you are being a doormat. And people wipe their feet all over doormat.

I actually fail to believe some posts on hereConfused

3rdNamechange · 14/02/2021 21:36

@poppyzbrite4

Call once, sit down and start eating.

I'm getting so, so annoyed at these threads. I'm wondering why women are putting up with this shit (he hardly ever cooks) and who the fuck are bringing up these mouthbreathers who treat women like servants. It really is disgusting.

Exactly- morons
3rdNamechange · 14/02/2021 21:37

[quote Anonyy]@funnylittlefloozie to be honest I dont even have a valid excuse for why he doesnt cook for me/us except for he clearly doesnt care and think it's my job. The 10% he cooks is when he has a steak which nobody else in the house likes.

He doesnt do anything else round the house either so I dont know why I'm surprised![/quote]
Fuck that ...

AtleastitsnotMonday · 14/02/2021 21:40

Do you eat together at the table? Do you sit and wait for him before you start?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/02/2021 21:47

He sounds like a cock. My DP will be helping in the kitchen, at the very least laying the table or calling the DC in to help empty the dishwasher.

You’re setting yourself up to be his skivvy and you’re teaching your DC that this is how relationships work.

Show them a better model by expecting some respect from them and your DP. Tell him he cooks at least twice a week and he comes in 10 mins before dinner is ready to lay the table and help dish up, as will you on his days. If he doesn’t, he can move out and cook himself steak every day. It’s not just lazy and disrespectful to you - it’s shitty parenting, and will affect your DCs’ future relationships too, so he either steps the fuck up, or fucks the fuck off.

TimeToCloseTheDoor · 14/02/2021 21:53

@Undies1990

This happens in my house sometimes. I call everyone once and then it's up to them if they want to eat it hot or not. It's incredibly rude and grinds my gears if they don't come straight away but I just crack on and eat what I've made with whoever appears in the kitchen.
I’d feel very deflated and sad to the [pint that I’d stop cooking for them.

I enjoy cooking, they know this, I never tidy up after cooking. If people couldn’t be arsed to sit with me or eat with me... meh, wouldn’t be happening

TimeToCloseTheDoor · 14/02/2021 21:55

Who makes the gravy and the drinks and sorts the kids out??

hannayeah · 14/02/2021 21:59

I think how the main meal is managed can have the effect of setting the tone for things in a household.

It’s somewhat hopeful that he sees that it’s rude if your son doesn’t come when called.

I’d tell him once you want to discuss meal times and agree to some structure and sharing of the burden around meals. See if he’s willing to listen and discuss. Let him know how it makes you feel to be ignored when you’re the one feeding everyone.

Unless he’s making up for his lack of contribution in some other major way that you’ve both agreed upon, it’s not okay for this to fall entirely on you.

If he’s not willing to change a bit, I’d stop cooking for him.

Dontjumptoconclusions · 14/02/2021 22:09

What happened at dinner today OP? Did you take advice and let his dinner go cold?

Original poster
Anonyy · 15/02/2021 10:23

@LannieDuck he works full time and I work 3 days per week and look after our DC on my days off as she is not in nursery (since lockdown i am wfh, he still travels to work as his job cannot be done from home)
I think because I am effectively at home most of the time he sees the household jobs as mine, he admits to not knowing how to use a washing machine and the only time I have seen him hoover or wash up etc is if we have had an argument he does it as if it's a 'favour' to me to get back into my good books. So clearly he knows how to do some things but sees it as my job. We have discussed it and although he won't say it directly he believes he is the man who goes to work and I am the woman who stays home and looks after the house and kids, my job isn't as important as it's a desk job so I sit on my bum all day.
We also contribute 50/50 to household bills at his request despite the fact I obviously earn less, which is fine but also unfair that he also expects me to do all household jobs which when you have 2 kids and 2 pets is a full time job in itself sometimes!

Sorry for going way off track! Like I said this really is part of a bigger issue I just question myself with some things like this dinner issue and it's nice to be reassured I'm not being unreasonable as when I discuss things with DP to him I am always being unreasonable.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 15/02/2021 10:27

I guessed that was probably the set up.

You work 3 days/wk and look after your children for 2 days/wk. That's effectively full time (just a different type of work). Household chores should therefore be split.

And if he's expecting you to contribute to bills 50:50, he should be contributing 50:50 to childcare and housework 50:50. That's just obvious.

He needs to start paying for 2 days of nursery out of his account. And picking up half the chores.