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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried my parents won't love my children as much as they love my brother's children

88 replies

awkwardusername · 14/02/2021 16:31

My brother and SIL have a 2 year old daughter, who is the first grandchild to our parents. They absolutely love and idolise her, which is amazing to see and I've loved watching them take on their new role.
My SIL has just announced they are expecting a little boy, and I'm now worried that my children - if and when I have them - won't be as special to my parents.

When my brother and SIL had their daughter, I knew I'd not have the first grandchild but saw optimism of producing the first grandson, to maintain some element of my child being 'special'.

I know they will love my children regardless, and they'll be fantastic grandparents, but I'm very aware that I was the second child and never felt I got as much attention etc (no photos/baby book etc), and I don't want my children to be treated the same way.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MissMarpleDarling · 14/02/2021 16:34

Yabu yes, you sound young and childish still.

Teacaketotty · 14/02/2021 16:37

Honestly by the time you have children you generally have much more important and frankly real things to worry about.

I’m sure they don’t have a limited amount of love to give.

Getoutofbed25 · 14/02/2021 16:39

I think you are over thinking this.
Just because they love your brothers children does not mean they won’t have the capacity to love yours.
When we had our first child I couldn’t think of loving another child as much but when the second came along you love them just the same. The love doesn’t diminish it doubles.
I think you are making an issue out of something that doesn’t exist. Also if your parents for some reason don’t feel the same about future grandchildren then there isn't really anything you can do, your children’s relationship with their grandparents will be individual. As a parent you will love your child enough to make up for anyone who you think doesn’t love them enough. I think you should be heartened that they have so much capacity to love their current grandchild. You may never have children or may have them and you parents may not be around to love them.

Enjoy the family you have at the moment and relish the love they will shower you child with in the future.

NeverRTFT · 14/02/2021 16:41

I am also a second child, my elder sibling is very much the preferred golden child and so I can relate to your Q.
In the end I had DC first, so mine were the first grandchildren. Despite being the precious first ones, when my sibling provided grandchild it was clear who is favoured. Mine have literally been shoved out the way by their DGM and sidelined for their cousin.
Luckily my DC don't notice yet, and I love my sibling so don't bear grudge. But I think my DM is a CF and my kids deserve better.

CorianderBee · 14/02/2021 16:46

I mean it depends on your parents but most people, while they enjoy having a 'first' granddaughter/grandchild love their other grandkids just as much.

I was the youngest daughter of the youngest of my grandparents five children.

13 granddaughters and grandsons came before me and I felt just as loved and special and cherished.

Maybe more so because I had elder cousins to show me the way, baby me and pass me down their many toys!

BackforGood · 14/02/2021 16:48

I voted YABU, although I suppose you aren't being U to think it, but we are letting you know you are definitely thinking about something that won't happen.

Love isn't limited or finite. You don't have a fixed amount that then runs out after the first couple of dc, or, in this case DGC.

On my side, my dc1 was my parents' 3rd granchild, and my brother then had his first 6 months later. All were loved equally, right down to my youngest who is dgc number 7.
On dh's side, my dc1 is grandchild number 1, and there are 19 years between him and grandchild number 8, but his parents love hasn't run out.
You really are being daft.

Original poster

awkwardusername · 14/02/2021 16:50

I think possibly I'm only feeling like they might be that way with my children because they were that way with me, if that makes sense?

I never felt less loved, as such, but it's become increasingly obvious as we have got older that they have much more pride, respect and overall time for my brother when compared to me.

OP posts:

livefornaps · 14/02/2021 16:51

Yeah they'll probably be bored of kids by the time you get round to it, tbh

LuaDipa · 14/02/2021 16:52

My dm made comments about the first dgc (mine) being special before dn was born, but she clearly adores all of her dgc equally. I do wonder if she was worried that they might feel pushed out which is why she made the point of saying it, but mine are older and love the baby just as much, even though they haven’t been able to see much of dn due to COVID.

Marinaloves · 14/02/2021 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Marinaloves · 14/02/2021 17:06

Oh and get some therapy ASAP
In the kindest possible way, if there are issues they run deeper than your OP

Fairyliz · 14/02/2021 17:11

I was my grandma’s favourite grandchild and I was fourth out of nine grandchildren.

Thing is if you ask the others they will all say they are the favourite. . She made us all feel special and loved, I miss her.

Original poster

awkwardusername · 14/02/2021 17:13

@Marinaloves

Get a grip Honestly. Jesus Christ you sound about 12

Thank you for your helpful insight!

OP posts:

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 14/02/2021 17:20

I think you probably need to work through your issues rather than worry about hypothetical children. There's obviously a lot to unpack with regards to your upbringing.

Emeraldshamrock · 14/02/2021 17:20

They will be as loved and wanted DGC as the first, not sure why you're worrying about it yet.

MySafeSpace · 14/02/2021 17:21

@awkwardusername I had this fear being the last one to have children (I'm the older one of four and last to have a child), however my fear has been proven correct, my dm sent a blanket for his arrival/xmas and my df did sweet fa!! Neither have seen him or made any attempt to want to see him or ask for any photos!! I hate that my lo will not have his dgp in his life but I ain't begging them to want to know him!!
It's sad!
I really hope you are overreacting in your circumstances as it's a very sad and lonely place to be in if it happens.

Mumdiva99 · 14/02/2021 17:21

You aren't being unreasonable in how you feel. But honestly as long as you have a good relationship with your parents and they see your kids I'm sure they will love them just the same. There is no limits on love. There isn't a finite amount of it. There is enough for every one. I have 3 kods and my parents don't love one 'better than another. And if my brother had a child they would be delighted and include that child in their love too.

Coronawireless · 14/02/2021 17:27

Whether it was true or not I get it that you felt less loved.
Doesn’t matter any more.
Step away from what your parents might think about your DC. They will surely care about your DC but you don’t need to care any more about who is the favourite. You’re an adult now and when your DC arrive they will be YOUR favourite, and your main focus going forward.

Coronawireless · 14/02/2021 17:27

Enjoy!!!!

Original poster

awkwardusername · 14/02/2021 17:32

I'm not so concerned about my kids not being the 'favourite' as such; I wouldn't even necessarily say my brother was the favourite to my parents, I just don't want my children ever feeling like they've missed out on any of the love/attention etc.

I'm fairly confident that when I have kids (hopefully in the next couple of years), these worries will be completely eradicated, I just wondered if anyone else had had the concerns before they had children, and how they dealt with it if so.

OP posts:

willstarttomorrow · 14/02/2021 17:33

My mother unfairly has more time for my DC than my older brother's, even though born much later. This is relative though, she is not a loving grandparent type. I have come across families where one set of grandchildren are far more favoured for what ever reason and have seen the hurt it has caused. You are not being unreasonable in my opinion, there is obviously a deep seated issue that has led you to think this may be the case. However, without a crystal ball it is difficult to say how your parents will react when you have children. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that but you need to learn not to project your view of what a grandparent should be to reality. I have moved to a city where families tend to move locally and extended family is a big thing. Not the reality for us, my parents could still have been living in Victorian times because of the way they were brought up

lioncitygirl · 14/02/2021 17:35

I feared the same - but if anything I think my parents pay a bit more attention to my two as we live in different continents etc. We ft all the time. My mum actually looks after my brother s lids (he’s away a lot)

bigbird1969 · 14/02/2021 17:36

I think you will find that your parents will be more concerned about you during the pregnancy and subsequent labour than you brothers wife. That is not to suggest they dont care and wont be worrried but your there daughter, you sound like you will be seeking out there support, and have no doubt they will be thrilled. I am a mother of 3 boys and have no doubt that when babies start coming I will be closer to my daughter than my DS wives or husbands, that isnt to say I wouldnt offer my sons partners support, as i would be very happy to however recognise that most girls want there mums

Emeraldshamrock · 14/02/2021 17:37

You also see your parents differently with DGC it isn't the same or you won't have the memory of a toddler.
As parents it is more rushed worrying about finances trying to get by day to day with the cleaning, cooking school runs.
I remember been pleasantly surprised at how great my da was with my first niece he wasn't like that with us.
I had my DD 6 years later he adores her again never adored us. 🤣

Ginevere · 14/02/2021 17:40

Not sure if this really applies OP, as my mum and in laws aren’t the type to play favourites, but my DH’s older bother has a boy and a girl, and when the girl was born end of last year I really found it took the pressure off. With there being one of each already delivered, I felt like my kid could just be a kid, with zero expectations for being the ‘only girl’ or whatever. Theres a huge amount of expectation behind the first grandchild, so I honestly think it will take the pressure off when you do get pregnant!

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