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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried my parents won't love my children as much as they love my brother's children

88 replies

awkwardusername · 14/02/2021 16:31

My brother and SIL have a 2 year old daughter, who is the first grandchild to our parents. They absolutely love and idolise her, which is amazing to see and I've loved watching them take on their new role.
My SIL has just announced they are expecting a little boy, and I'm now worried that my children - if and when I have them - won't be as special to my parents.

When my brother and SIL had their daughter, I knew I'd not have the first grandchild but saw optimism of producing the first grandson, to maintain some element of my child being 'special'.

I know they will love my children regardless, and they'll be fantastic grandparents, but I'm very aware that I was the second child and never felt I got as much attention etc (no photos/baby book etc), and I don't want my children to be treated the same way.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 01:14

@livefornaps

Yeah they'll probably be bored of kids by the time you get round to it, tbh

Don't be so ridiculous

diamondsr4u · 15/02/2021 01:47

Trust me your children will be as important to them and loved. Depending on when you have children, if your parents become too old then perhaps some things they did with the other grandchildren they may not with yours but that's due to their age.
In mine and dh family, grandchildren all have their fair share of love from grandparents, they do tend to unintentionally show more love to the ones they see more often and towards the ones that go running to them

Growing up, my brother was the first grandchild and nephew in the family. So when my siblings, cousins and I came about, we received the love and attention but we always knew my brother was their favourite, they always told us because he's the first. He can do nothing wrong in their eyes, we say one word wrong and they'll stop talking to us. I wouldn't want my children to feel like that.

Stroller15 · 15/02/2021 02:09

Some really strange responses here. OP, your question is valid. My dS was the favourite child and very much still is. Her DCs are very much the favourite grandchildren. I'm the second daughter and sick of this family dynamic perpetuating itself in the next generation. All I can do is try and be better with my own DCs.

OnceUponANightmare · 15/02/2021 02:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2021 02:16

I knew there would be a load of 'first world problem' responses. I also knew there would be trauma under all of this.

You child will be, in your eyes, the most brilliant human to walk the face of the earth. There is no world in which your parents' opinion matters if they don't understand that. Same for the other GChildren.

katy1213 · 15/02/2021 02:54

You sound about 12. Why not cross that bridge when you come to it?

starrynight21 · 15/02/2021 03:14

never felt I got as much attention etc (no photos/baby book etc), and I don't want my children to be treated the same way

You know that first children always get all the photos and birthday books ? It's not because they don't love you as much, it's because the first one is a big novelty and after that the parents are too busy and overworked to worry about it so much. I bet you'll be the same.

I'm a grandma and I can assure you that grandparents have an unlimited supply of love for their grandchildren. They don't just fall in love with the first one and then lose interest, they honestly don't. They love all of them , no matter how many there are.

You'll have plenty of things to think about when you're a parent - this shouldn't be one of them. It isn't going to happen.

Crikeycroc · 15/02/2021 03:19

Honestly? We have the first grandchild on both sides and it’s a lot of pressure. I want space but they want to impose themselves at every opportunity. Your parents will probably be good grandparents without being obsessive.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2021 03:25

@awkwardusername

I think possibly I'm only feeling like they might be that way with my children because they were that way with me, if that makes sense?

I never felt less loved, as such, but it's become increasingly obvious as we have got older that they have much more pride, respect and overall time for my brother when compared to me.

This is the bit you need to talk to your parents about

BigMomma164 · 15/02/2021 06:37

Your concerns are very valid OP. I experienced the same growing up and am starting to see flashes of this with my DS and his cousins. Hopefully someone will be along with good advice

HungryHippo20 · 15/02/2021 06:50

My older brother has two amazing girls and my parents adore them. I didn't think I wanted kids so I was thrilled they got to be grandparents (it was quite unexpected from my brother!). Fast forward now and about to give birth to my own baby girl. I've already seen this experience has been different for them, especially my mum, because I'm her daughter and I've shared everything about my pregnancy with her. She didn't have that with brothers partner and it just feels a bit different. That said when baby arrives I don't think she'll be any more special or different, it's just the pregnancy part I think has been different for my mum this time, if that makes sense.

Try not to worry about it now, I'm sure you'll be surprised when the time comes!

NotWithMyShoes · 15/02/2021 06:58

I think some posters are being incredibly insensitive, and showing their rather shallow awareness of how different people's lives may be.

Of course, if you're lucky enough to have wonderful, caring parents, it's silly to worry about how they'd be as grandparents.

But it's clear you are worried that your parents will perpetuate the unequal treatment that upset you as a child, with your children. That's not unreasonable to worry about. I'd say, all you can do there is to prepare yourself, and to think how you'll raise your children (if/when you have them) to be resilient.

This is good advice. There is nothing you can do to change it. Just prepare yourself. Maybe they will surprise you, maybe it will be what you expect. My sibling has the first two grandchildren. I have the first boy. That doesn't change the fact that the first two are the children of my sibling. Favouritism that you got used to as a child/adult is like a kick in the teeth and hurts on another level when it's applied to your DC too. It might help for you to decide what your boundaries are and what you will do now. Then you can put it to the back of your mind.

Thefaceofboe · 15/02/2021 07:08

You haven’t even got children yet. Chill out

speakout · 15/02/2021 07:16

Seek some counselling OP.
Even if your parents love their other grandchildren more does it really matter?
As long as children grow up in a home surrounded by love it really doesn't matter.
My children grew up with only one surviving grandparent who wasn't very interested, but it didn't matter one bit. OH and I surrounded our children with love, lots of cuddles, affirmation and support, they did not lack in loving attention.
They didn;t miss out.

Ch3rish · 15/02/2021 07:20

@BigMomma164

Your concerns are very valid OP. I experienced the same growing up and am starting to see flashes of this with my DS and his cousins. Hopefully someone will be along with good advice

This is a sensible reply, the OP knows her parents yet most posters are telling her not to worry because thier parents wouldn't behave in the way she's concerned about. How is that helpful

There's nothing you can do now OP other than try not to worry about something that hasn't happened yet and at least you're ready for it if it does.

TomatoesAreFruit · 15/02/2021 07:29

I think it is natural for reasons such as geography, childcare, interfamily relationships etc for some grandparents to be closer to some grandchildren.

It is something for the adults to manage and hopefully not burden the children with.

Marley20 · 15/02/2021 07:32

YABU, there's not a finite amount of love that gets used up. Each child is special in their own way for their own reasons and your parents will love yours just as much. Our kids were about the 8th and 9th and they are adored just as much xx

Adancewithdragons · 15/02/2021 07:34

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I know someone whose grandparents treat their children different based on if it’s their own daughter (favoured) vs their DIL. It’s rather obvious when you see them all together.

I would however add that regardless if they do treat your DC differently they won’t realise or change. I was a middle child and felt over looked as a child too, I have come to realise that it’s only affecting me. It’s my day that’s ruin / my mental health that suffers. Best thing I have done is accept it, you cant change it so almost accept the situation if that makes sense. Then we as parents will try not to make the same mistakes.

springiscoming12 · 15/02/2021 07:34

By the time you have a child you (hopefully) won’t be worried about such trivialities.

Marley20 · 15/02/2021 07:40

Just to add, I've since read you feel your parents are more fond of your brother. That may not necessarily be true for DGC though. Grandparents do tend to go a bit gaga for DGC. I thought my dad wouldn't be interested in my kids. He was never interested in us growing up but you wouldn't find a more doting GD 🤷

Either way you won't know till you have children so best not to worry about it yet. You may have valid concerns but there's every chance you're worrying about nothing.

Sceptre86 · 15/02/2021 07:59

My mil loves my dn more than my two. It hurts my dh but there is nothing he can do and if she loves them less she gets less love back too. My own parents are besotted with my babies as they are their only grandchildren yet. My sister mentioned in passing she has similar concerns to you and I told her not to be silly. Her kids will see my parents a lot more as she lives closer, my mum and dad have lots of love to give and when she does have kids I will be equally besotted with them.I can't wait to be an auntie. Any shortfalls in love, you make up as the patent. Try not to worry about something that hadnt even happened yet.

Lockdownbear · 15/02/2021 08:00

Op some of what you are describing is PFB. More time on their hands to fill in baby books and stuff. The novelty factor wears off with the second but they are loved just the same.

We had the first GC on DHs side he was special to MIL until SIL had her baby who is absolutely MILs favourite DGC.
On paper all the GC are treated the same but she never shuts up about SILs eldest child. My BIL times how long he can be in his mums company before the precious GC is mentioned!

I don't think the kids have noticed. Rarely are they all together at the same time. So they aren't viving for attention.
But it's indefensible for them to be the way they are.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/02/2021 08:02

With the greatest respect YABU. Grandparents are pretty much always closer to daughters kids. However my Nan did used to say There's always a special bond with the first Grandchild.

Ileflottante · 15/02/2021 08:05

My ILs are obsessed with my H’s brother’s and his sister’s kids. Utterly obsessed with them. To the point my FIL got a bit pissed one day and said he wished they were his

Anyway, they’re nice with my baby but quite distant. Could be lockdown, could be me they’re not keen on, who knows. My H doesn’t seem to see it, which I’m grateful for and my big family all adore the baby. Which is lovely and makes up for it.

I wouldn’t worry about it when and if it happens and even then I wouldn’t bother giving it much headspace.

This sentence you said was a little odd though:

knew I'd not have the first grandchild but saw optimism of producing the first grandson

Sapho47 · 15/02/2021 08:17

@Teacaketotty

Honestly by the time you have children you generally have much more important and frankly real things to worry about.

I’m sure they don’t have a limited amount of love to give.

But the forum is full of people with kids making threads about Grand parents and siblings kids

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