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Original poster

Worried my parents won't love my children as much as they love my brother's children

88 replies

awkwardusername · 14/02/2021 16:31

My brother and SIL have a 2 year old daughter, who is the first grandchild to our parents. They absolutely love and idolise her, which is amazing to see and I've loved watching them take on their new role.
My SIL has just announced they are expecting a little boy, and I'm now worried that my children - if and when I have them - won't be as special to my parents.

When my brother and SIL had their daughter, I knew I'd not have the first grandchild but saw optimism of producing the first grandson, to maintain some element of my child being 'special'.

I know they will love my children regardless, and they'll be fantastic grandparents, but I'm very aware that I was the second child and never felt I got as much attention etc (no photos/baby book etc), and I don't want my children to be treated the same way.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
awkwardusername · 14/02/2021 17:50

@Ginevere

Not sure if this really applies OP, as my mum and in laws aren’t the type to play favourites, but my DH’s older bother has a boy and a girl, and when the girl was born end of last year I really found it took the pressure off. With there being one of each already delivered, I felt like my kid could just be a kid, with zero expectations for being the ‘only girl’ or whatever. Theres a huge amount of expectation behind the first grandchild, so I honestly think it will take the pressure off when you do get pregnant!
I actually hadn't considered it like that at all, it's a really good way of looking at it so thank you Smile
OP posts:
georgarina · 14/02/2021 17:52

Of course the first grandchildren are special but by the time they've grown up and you have yours, yours will be the 'babies' and get all the attention.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 14/02/2021 17:54

Actually I sympathise OP.

I’m the middle of 3 girls and my younger sister is clearly the favoured child.

I also happened to be the first of us to have DCs. I had 2 boys.

Younger sister was next and when she was pregnant our parents made it very clear that they hoped she’d have a girl. My DM actually said to me “the boys (meaning my DSs) are great, but...” Because of that comment I spent my sister’s pregnancy dreading that she’d have a girl. Not a nice feeling but I couldn’t help it.

As it turns out my sister had a boy. And then another. And our older sister also has 2 boys.

But I’m afraid my younger sister’s DSs are very clearly favoured. It’s cringeworthingly obvious and hurts both me and my older sister very much.

DuchessofHastings1 · 14/02/2021 17:55

I felt like when I had my DS after my parents already had their first grandchild, grandson from my brother.

I couldn't have been more wrong. When DS was a baby, I think he got a little ignored but that's babies. As soon as he started to develop his own personality, soom found DS is totally different to my nephew and they love him loads.

ThePlantsitter · 14/02/2021 17:56

Honestly I think the first grandkids do get more attention, but that's not always a good thing tbh. I'm surprised my DN didn't feel like an insect on a pin at times (perhaps he did)! And I know my sister felt the parents were only now interested in her as the conduit of the grandchild. Much less pressure on me and my kids and we can just be normal.

partyatthepalace · 14/02/2021 18:00

Yes. Also you appear to have too much time on your hands.

Anne1958 · 14/02/2021 18:02

Op, I find that with each grandchild I get there’s still plenty of room still left in my heart to love them.

Do I have favourites. I can’t say that I do but for sure each of my 7 grandchildren has something unique about them that melts my heart and is why I think each one is very special.

Figgyboa · 14/02/2021 18:03

@Marinaloves

Get a grip Honestly. Jesus Christ you sound about 12
100% agree.
InFiveMins · 14/02/2021 18:04
Biscuit
Pluas · 14/02/2021 18:06

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty

I think you probably need to work through your issues rather than worry about hypothetical children. There's obviously a lot to unpack with regards to your upbringing.
This. Honestly, OP, I thought until I reread your post that you had actual children who were being actually sidelined. Not hypothetical children being hypothetically sidelined because you can only see them as an aspect of yourself, and haven’t got over your parental issues.
Emeraldshamrock · 14/02/2021 18:08

I think you will find that your parents will be more concerned about you during the pregnancy and subsequent labour than you brothers wife. That is not to suggest they dont care and wont be worrried but your there daughter, you sound like you will be seeking out there support, and have no doubt they will be thrilled
I agree with this.
I drifted from my DM through teens etc once I was pregnant from 27 onwards it was a lovely relationship.

ReggieKrait · 14/02/2021 18:11

I don’t know how you feel, but in my mind you cannot control the love your parents or in laws feel for their grandchildren - it’s their business and not your responsibility.

My paternal grandparent made no effort with my siblings and I due to their poor relationship with my father, but they saw our cousins regularly. We never questioned it till we were older and yes we felt confused, but as it was always thus we weren’t bothered.

With my own kids unless there was blatant unfair treated I really couldn’t give a rats behind about grandparents “favourites” or their little quirks. I love my children more than all of the them put together, we don’t really need anyone else.

Sunflowers095 · 14/02/2021 19:16

@Marinaloves

Get a grip Honestly. Jesus Christ you sound about 12
Both rude and stupid. Different people are worried about different things and it's completely normal to feel a certain way about something that other people don't perceive the same way.

You want an award for being mature? Which by the way, being mean to people on the internet makes you seem 12 too :)

Bluebell9 · 14/02/2021 19:21

My DD is the 4th granddaughter and my parents adore her.

ConsuelaHammock · 14/02/2021 19:26

Try not to worry about something you have no control over . My maternal grandmother favoured two of my female cousins . It hurt a lot and my own mother was aware of how we felt . She now does her very best not to make any differences with her grandchildren although she does talk about one brothers children more than others . I’m not sure she realises she’s doing it . I’ve stopped caring tbh as I can’t change it.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 14/02/2021 19:27

OP are you saying your parents didn't take any photos of you as a baby/ small child? As that is very off. It is normal to take a few less than with your pfb though, partly as you are too bloody busy!

HelloDulling · 14/02/2021 19:30

My MIL def favours SILs DC over her other grandchildren (our kids, and also BILs), talks about them A LOT, they can do no wrong, despite both being adults now who have made some interesting choices. She seems dazzled by them, in a way she is not with the others.

I don’t think my children have ever noticed -there is a big age gap so it’s not immediately obvious in terms of presents, time spent together. Also, we live 2hrs away, so don’t see them very often. If we were around the corner it would probably be more annoying.

justanotherneighinparadise · 14/02/2021 19:31

I think you certainly are unreasonable but in my experience my mother does favour my sibling’s children as they came first and she used to help care for them whereas I have raised my children without the need for childcare. So I can understand and empathise with your concern but I suspect you are worrying unnecessarily.

Ginevere · 14/02/2021 19:53

Honestly makes a difference. My MIL only had boys so was keen for a girl, whereas I quite wanted a boy. When my SIL had a girl I felt such a weight off as I didn’t feel it was my ‘duty’ to give her a girl. Not that she ever put the pressure on but it still felt like a relief!

smeerf · 14/02/2021 19:56

My children are my IL's first grandchildren. SIL iOS planning to have children in the next few years. If anything, SIL's kids will be more 'special' because ILs will realise they're the last ( certainly not having any more!!!)

SarahAndQuack · 14/02/2021 19:57

I think some posters are being incredibly insensitive, and showing their rather shallow awareness of how different people's lives may be.

Of course, if you're lucky enough to have wonderful, caring parents, it's silly to worry about how they'd be as grandparents.

But it's clear you are worried that your parents will perpetuate the unequal treatment that upset you as a child, with your children. That's not unreasonable to worry about. I'd say, all you can do there is to prepare yourself, and to think how you'll raise your children (if/when you have them) to be resilient.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 14/02/2021 20:18

I hadn't given any thought to the fact that grandparents may view children of their sons differently from children of their daughters until my MIL announced it. Our child is their first grandchild and was looking to be their only as their daughter had desperately sad fertility issues. PIL were dutifully delighted with our child until SIL had hers. That never happened with my own grandparents, thank goodness. I asked my mum about it and she said that yes, it is different when your daughter vs DIL is pregnant as she felt she felt her 'role', for want of a better word, was very different. She's fully accepted that her DIL, my SIL, will go to her own mum and that my DN will probably be closer to his maternal grandparents but it hasn't made a lick of difference in how much she adores her grandchild, just like all of her grandchildren. In most families it really isn't a competition. There's more than enough love to go round.

Katarina262 · 14/02/2021 22:18

OP- I know exactly how you feel! It may not happen for you - unfortunately it did with us. Sil had her third child with new partner after a big age gap (her older children are late teens) and now my children are completely ignored by my PILS. I have since had another baby and my lovely PILS couldn't care less. They are infatuated with their other GC and see her pretty much every day. It sucks. My relationship with them has gone completely downhill. I really hope the same doesn't happen for you. But as they are your parents, maybe you can be more honest about your feelings from the outset?

felineflutter · 15/02/2021 00:10

Do not worry they will be enough love to go aroundFlowers

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 01:14

@awkwardusername

I think possibly I'm only feeling like they might be that way with my children because they were that way with me, if that makes sense?

I never felt less loved, as such, but it's become increasingly obvious as we have got older that they have much more pride, respect and overall time for my brother when compared to me.

Don't take the no photos thing personally. This happens to most people and is simply because there's so little time when you have 2 kids, as opposed to just 1 when there's little to do but take pictures.