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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please can somebody help re custody?

68 replies

jazz1995 · 14/02/2021 00:11

I have a 13 month old baby girl. She was the result of a one night stand- he made it clear from day one he wanted nothing to do with DD but what I chose to do with her was up to me. Which was fine by me.

I was living in London at the time working as an escort. I still do webcam work when my daughter is in bed (90% of the time she is flat out 77), my priority is my daughter and as far as I’m concerned how I earn my money and clothe, feed and nappy my child along with paying for her books, toys and classes (when they are on!) is my business. Nobody’s else’s.

I understand not everyone understands and can’t get their head wrapped round it- which is fine. I have fallen out with my own family because of it and I’m not bothered about people’s view on it. It means I can work and earn a good wage while still being there for my DD when she needs me which to me is something I prefer over putting her in nursery all day to work in a shit job I can’t stand for 1/4 of the money I earn.

Anyway....on to the main point of this thread.

When DD was born her dads mum (let’s call her Joan) contacted me asking to meet her granddaughter. I contacted him asking if this would be OK (as it’s his family and I didn’t want to go behind his back) and he OK’d it. I was still living in London at the time and this was when DD was 2 weeks old.

Meeting went fine although a little awkward and uncomfortable and I agree to her having permanent contact. Fast forward a month and lockdown was approaching- so I choose to move back up north to live with my best friend so I had some form of support if at the time we went into lockdown (which obviously we have).

I explained to Joan I would be leaving town. Que a hysterical breakdown of how a “whore” was taking her granddaughter away from her and that “she would fight all the way and make sure I’d never see my daughter again.” Lots of abusive phone calls and texts which eventually stopped as I called the police and they went round to warn her.

All went quiet until 3 weeks ago- DDs 1st birthday. Her dad contacted me (he got my number off my sister but that’s a whole other story) wishing his DD a happy birthday. I was the bigger person and sent a message of thanks and agreed to the FaceTime call he was requesting on her birthday.

Since then he has emailed me saying he is seeking shared custody. DD hasn’t got a clue who this man is- she cried on FaceTime for the 3 minutes she has seen him in her entire life. He asked to come and collect her that weekend and I refused. And then I got similar threats his mother made. Apparently I’m a whore and an unfit parent. I have contacted the police again- but they were only able to issue him a warning as this time it was him and not his mother.

Then this morning- I got an email from a mutual friend warning me that he has spoken to a solicitor and is now seeking full custody (just to be a petty twat I assume)

I have two concerns here:

  1. I don’t believe he wants custody. I think he’s doing it because his mother wants custody and if he wins he will just pass her straight off on to her
  1. I don’t want my daughter going to people who will poison her against me and she doesn’t even know for fucks sake. It isn’t like she will be down the road either

I guess I just want a hand hold?

OP posts:
Newfor2021 · 14/02/2021 00:16

I don’t know what to say except I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Here with a hand hold Flowers

Newfor2021 · 14/02/2021 00:18

Oh and he can’t be granted full custody just because you do webcam work. That’s bullshit. He doesn’t have a hope in hell.

Lizadork · 14/02/2021 00:19

Might want to post in the legal section too.

MixedUpFiles · 14/02/2021 00:20

He is extremely unlikely to be granted full custody out of the blue. However, it’s perfectly reasonable for him to slowly develop a relationship with his 1yo child and eventually work his way up to 50-50 custody over the course of several years.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2021 00:23

I have a 13 month old baby girl. She was the result of a one night stand- he made it clear from day one he wanted nothing to do with DD but what I chose to do with her was up to me. Which was fine by me.

And then.....

When DD was born her dads mum (let’s call her Joan) contacted me asking to meet her granddaughter. I contacted him asking if this would be OK (as it’s his family and I didn’t want to go behind his back) and he OK’d it.

That doesn't tally up at all? How can you 'go behind the back' of someone who wants nothing to do with his child?

violetbunny · 14/02/2021 00:51

For all you know, his solicitor has told him he hasn't got a snowball's chance in hell at getting full custody.

I would wait it out until he actually takes it to court.

SanFranBear · 14/02/2021 00:55

Is he on the birth certificate?

REignbow · 14/02/2021 00:57

Is this man on her birth certificate?

nevernotstruggling · 14/02/2021 01:15

Just say ok then....and wait. Either he will do nothing or if he does go to court then cafcass will get involved and he will be asked to behave like a parent. The harassment won't help him at all, nor her. Nor will him making inflammatory statements about you.

Just crack on looking after your child just now. Until you get a court letter he's just making threats.

lydia2021 · 14/02/2021 01:20

Hi. Firstly ,you are not a ..... It is perfectly reasonable work that you do. You are not in danger, the child is not in danger. You seem very capable of caring for your child. Many kids dont have a hope in hell of being loved.

Secondly,, if it was me, I would make sure I had a residence order (custody) for my child asap with a solicitor..This means said child lives with you until 18. And you decide where they live. Thirdly, he wasnt a relationship, and showed no interest, and is being goaded by his mother, who wishes to be involved. Move fast without telling them. See a solicitor. Also, courts generally award kids under 7 to mothers. There is nothing in your past or present that they can use against you. Good luck hun

Crabbypaddy · 14/02/2021 01:25

If he is on the birth certificate he has parental rights. If not he is up shits creek without a paddle and him and his bother will be laughed out any court room.

Crabbypaddy · 14/02/2021 01:25

Mother*

TaraR2020 · 14/02/2021 01:27

Get yourself a solicitor ASAP, op, the quicker this is shut down the better.

I'm sure you're not going to lose her, @lydia2021 gives great advice i think.

No judgement here, you sound like a loving and dedicated mum. While typically I think children shouldn't be deprived of their grandparents, this doesn't sound like a relationship that will do her any good- probably the reverse, and I hope that whatever arrangement you come to with her DF, her DG keeps a distance.

newstart1337 · 14/02/2021 01:29

His mother sounds awful. But that aside the father has a right to see his daughter. If this goes to court a lot will be made of your 'job' and he could easily get 50:50 residency.

Maybe it would be better for your case if she was in childcare when you were working? Also falling out with your family will go against you, can you repair relations there?

Happycat1212 · 14/02/2021 01:31

I’m sorry but I think people on here are wrong, if he goes to court he will be awarded unsupervised access unless he is proven to be a danger, not necessarily 50/50 but he could work up to that. But he won’t be denied access

Thatwentbadly · 14/02/2021 01:40

You need to speak to a solicitor. The courts will support the view that your daughter has a right to a relationship with her father. They will support a slow steady build up to their relationship. Even if he is not on the birth certificate this is not a huge issue and can be easily solved.

TeddyBeans · 14/02/2021 01:44

I'm going through the legal process now with my ex who was present in our son's life from the beginning. He's only been given every other weekend and a videocall midweek. There's no way your daughter's dad will be given sole custody of a child he doesn't even know and has never met.

The court didn't even want to give my ex two nights every other weekend because they said it was better for my son to steadily increased contact. This is the part my ex is contesting (he wants them sooner than next year - my son's only been going overnight since new years) so it's going to another hearing in May.

I'd get legal advice asap and see where they say you stand, best of luck to you

flobberdobberrr · 14/02/2021 02:08

Most of this depends if he is on the birth certificate or not.
If he isn't then he has no rights.
If he is it's very unlikely to get full custody. I know it's easy to say try not to worry but stay true to who you are and just keep doing what you're doing x

Seasidemumma77 · 14/02/2021 02:26

Send him a letter suggesting mediation, in order to come up with a workable plan re custody and contact. If he truly wants to see his child he'll arrange contact. Keep copy of letters/emails as if he tries to take you down legal route, the first thing he will be told to do is go through mediation.

Be hopeful that this father truly wants to be part of his child's life, might make your life more complicated but honestly having two happy parents working together with the child's needs at the centre is best we can aim for.

Believe me, I see the pain caused by my children's father's lack of interest in seeing them.

araiwa · 14/02/2021 04:18

I'd ignore it all until you receive something from courts. It's probably a lot of empty hot air

wirldsgonemad · 14/02/2021 04:28

@WorraLiberty

I have a 13 month old baby girl. She was the result of a one night stand- he made it clear from day one he wanted nothing to do with DD but what I chose to do with her was up to me. Which was fine by me.

And then.....

When DD was born her dads mum (let’s call her Joan) contacted me asking to meet her granddaughter. I contacted him asking if this would be OK (as it’s his family and I didn’t want to go behind his back) and he OK’d it.

That doesn't tally up at all? How can you 'go behind the back' of someone who wants nothing to do with his child?

It completely tallies up! Wants no contact but she checked with ex when something out of the ordinary happened. Why would you argue this point?
Bookwords · 14/02/2021 05:01

can work and earn a good wage while still being there for my DD when she needs me which to me is something I prefer over putting her in nursery all day to work in a shit job I can’t stand for 1/4 of the money I earn.

Nothing wrong with children "being put in a nursery all day", you're asking people not to judge you, so don't judge them!

AngelDelightUK · 14/02/2021 05:07

Is he on the birth certificate, if he isn’t tell him to jog on.

StripedSalamander · 14/02/2021 05:41

Some of the advice here is completely wrong and frankly quite dangerous for you and your situation.

I would personally await contact from his legal representation should he decide to go down that route and then seek your own legal advice. You will be expected to go via mediation before court, but can bypass the step if there is a good enough reason. I would encourage you to mediate first.

It’s also worthwhile to note that courts are there to decide what is best for the child, not to pick which parent ‘wins’. Removing a child and handing it over to effective strangers just because of a biological relationship is therefore highly unlikely.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2021 05:51

A child should know both its parents and a court would want that for a child. So yes he will get to see his child. Is he paying maintenance?