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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please can somebody help re custody?

68 replies

jazz1995 · 14/02/2021 00:11

I have a 13 month old baby girl. She was the result of a one night stand- he made it clear from day one he wanted nothing to do with DD but what I chose to do with her was up to me. Which was fine by me.

I was living in London at the time working as an escort. I still do webcam work when my daughter is in bed (90% of the time she is flat out 77), my priority is my daughter and as far as I’m concerned how I earn my money and clothe, feed and nappy my child along with paying for her books, toys and classes (when they are on!) is my business. Nobody’s else’s.

I understand not everyone understands and can’t get their head wrapped round it- which is fine. I have fallen out with my own family because of it and I’m not bothered about people’s view on it. It means I can work and earn a good wage while still being there for my DD when she needs me which to me is something I prefer over putting her in nursery all day to work in a shit job I can’t stand for 1/4 of the money I earn.

Anyway....on to the main point of this thread.

When DD was born her dads mum (let’s call her Joan) contacted me asking to meet her granddaughter. I contacted him asking if this would be OK (as it’s his family and I didn’t want to go behind his back) and he OK’d it. I was still living in London at the time and this was when DD was 2 weeks old.

Meeting went fine although a little awkward and uncomfortable and I agree to her having permanent contact. Fast forward a month and lockdown was approaching- so I choose to move back up north to live with my best friend so I had some form of support if at the time we went into lockdown (which obviously we have).

I explained to Joan I would be leaving town. Que a hysterical breakdown of how a “whore” was taking her granddaughter away from her and that “she would fight all the way and make sure I’d never see my daughter again.” Lots of abusive phone calls and texts which eventually stopped as I called the police and they went round to warn her.

All went quiet until 3 weeks ago- DDs 1st birthday. Her dad contacted me (he got my number off my sister but that’s a whole other story) wishing his DD a happy birthday. I was the bigger person and sent a message of thanks and agreed to the FaceTime call he was requesting on her birthday.

Since then he has emailed me saying he is seeking shared custody. DD hasn’t got a clue who this man is- she cried on FaceTime for the 3 minutes she has seen him in her entire life. He asked to come and collect her that weekend and I refused. And then I got similar threats his mother made. Apparently I’m a whore and an unfit parent. I have contacted the police again- but they were only able to issue him a warning as this time it was him and not his mother.

Then this morning- I got an email from a mutual friend warning me that he has spoken to a solicitor and is now seeking full custody (just to be a petty twat I assume)

I have two concerns here:

I don’t believe he wants custody. I think he’s doing it because his mother wants custody and if he wins he will just pass her straight off on to her

I don’t want my daughter going to people who will poison her against me and she doesn’t even know for fucks sake. It isn’t like she will be down the road either

I guess I just want a hand hold?

OP posts:

midnightstar66 · 14/02/2021 13:38

I'd also ignore the advice to put contact in yourself at this stage. No harm after a year in letting him do the running and doing it through lawyers will fill legal advice is far wiser

Hannahusky · 14/02/2021 13:46

So sorry that you're going through this. She sounds absolutely awful. My brother in law and his soon to be ex wife went through a messy time at the courts. She wanted to take him away from their sons, but all is well and they have a good arrangement set up. The courts really don't like taking children away from their mother, but I think it would be a good idea to talk to a solicitor yourself and get some expert legal advice just to be safe.

RedGoldAndGreene · 14/02/2021 16:50

Some good and bad advice on here.

Wait and see if he takes you to court. The most he'll get is 50/50 but he'd have to move nearer you to make it workable as it's a matter of time before you dd is at nursery/school and she can't go to 2 schools. It's up to him to explain how he will make 50/50 work.

He's allowed to ask for contact then drop her off at his mum's. Grandparents don't have rights per se but it's normal for them to see their grandchild when it's their child's time so you'll need to let this one go.

It would be perfectly reasonable to ask that his contact his supervised (as he has no experience looking after a baby) and slowly increased until she knows him better. He can't expect to suddenly have her overnight when he fancies it. Him taking you to court will be good as it means you know what days you can plan stuff with dd. Make sure you don't fall into the trap of agreeing to every weekend. You'll need the weekends that she doesn't see Dad to see your side of the family. Once she's at school this will be even more important.

Are you claiming maintenance? Just because he's not seeing her doesn't mean that he doesn't have to pay. If he is awarded 50/50 there will be no maintenance payable but he'll have to pay to pick her up, clothes at his house etc

Whether or not he's on the birth certificate doesn't matter. It's just some paperwork to get added into one.

Please don't worry about the webcam work. It won't mean that you lose custody. Men who have been violent to the mum or prison often get contact. For you to lose contact it would have to be something serious like dd being on screen while you work or her being there while you met with these men in real life or something. He won't get 100% custody unless there's something you've not told us like you're addicted to meth and passed out most of the day or something. The worst case scenario is 50/50 and it won't happen overnight.

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2021 16:56

@flobberdobberrr

Most of this depends if he is on the birth certificate or not. If he isn't then he has no rights. If he is it's very unlikely to get full custody. I know it's easy to say try not to worry but stay true to who you are and just keep doing what you're doing x

This isn’t true. Unless there’s a really good reason, he may well be awarded contact rights. it wouldn’t be overnight, or unsupervised, at first as there child has never even met him.

notanothertakeaway · 14/02/2021 17:04

Child support and contact are separate issues, so don't make contact conditional on child support. Always focus on what's best for your child, and keep emails calm andxand sensible sensible

notanothertakeaway · 14/02/2021 17:06

And be prepared to answer questions about webcam / escort work, if this goes to court. I think the court would raise an eyebrow at it

AntiHop · 14/02/2021 17:08

Keep reporting any harassment and abuse to the police, and keep a record of all their unpleasant behaviour.

I would also be thinking about your future work plans. I can't see how you can continue that line of work under the same roof as your daughter when she is older. She may overhear or walk into the room.

ConsuelaHammock · 14/02/2021 17:29

You can’t blame the father of your child for wanting to see his child . I think you should get your own solicitor as no one on here can help you. We only have your version of happened .
You’re both as bad as each other .

kirinm · 14/02/2021 17:36

@ConsuelaHammock

What a shitty thing to say.

EspressoExpresso · 14/02/2021 17:39

You say you were working as an escort, is there any possibility that he might not be the father?

Hannahusky · 14/02/2021 18:14

Also, for those saying grandparents don't have rights - my MiL and FiL went to court to get arrangements to see their grandchildren and they were granted them. They are fantastic grandparents and very involved but for those saying don't worry, after what I watched my BiL go through I really can't recommend getting legal advice enough.

suspiria777 · 14/02/2021 19:00

@RedHelenB

A child should know both its parents and a court would want that for a child. So yes he will get to see his child. Is he paying maintenance?

that's a rather sweeping generalisation... not helpful at all

Happycat1212 · 14/02/2021 19:05

A court would say that though, unless there was safeguarding concerns which hasn’t been mentioned and even then he would likely get some contact supervised, just being absent wouldn’t mean he can’t see his child

Plumbuddle · 14/02/2021 20:05

Please, so much of this is incorrect! OP really has to go and get professional advice.

Screwcorona · 14/02/2021 20:31

Living hundreds of miles away it's unlikely 50/50 will ever be granted, most likely eow and half the holidays.

However, your baby doesnt know this man so the courts usually start with low contact built up over time. Expect around 2hours every other week for a while with you or other supervised until the baby and dad have a relationship. Overnights is unlikely until at least 2years old.

He might never go through with this, let him take you to court so you can find out if it's really him interested in a relationship or if hes just getting lip from his mum

midnightstar66 · 14/02/2021 21:16

Grandparents don't have any automatic rights. Sometimes it's deemed in a child's best interest to have contact with a grandparent where there has been an established and close relationship for a significant time. That isn't the case here the GM saw the baby a couple of times at a few weeks old and is a stranger.

Hannahusky · 15/02/2021 00:16

@midnightstar66

You're right and I didn't say automatic right did I? They went to court and fought to get time and they got that. I understand this is a different situation but when people throw around definites which are not true, it can be dangerous.

Original poster

jazz1995 · 15/02/2021 01:16

Thank you everyone for the advice. I haven’t been able to get back as DD has been poorly today and fell asleep earlier.

Firstly- I do not have a problem with her dad having contact IF he is serious. He made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with her when I was pregnant and as I have said we have mutual friends and not once has he asked about his daughter and requested that I didn’t contact him- when I met up with his mum he made the point clear that he wanted nothing to do with her.

I understand people change their minds but using my brain I know his mum is very manipulative and my primary concern is that he is doing it for her and will just pawn her off on to his mother who has lost her chance with me in all honesty- unless she apologises and realises she has done wrong.

I’m still up north- no plans to return to London. My entire support network is here and while I love being a mum I know I wouldn’t cope on my own. It’s hard enough having to see people standing at the bottom of my path never mind them being miles away.

I would be more than happy to let him see her if say after lockdown he booked a hotel and came and spent some time with her with me around- that wouldn’t be a problem at all and I think I’m being very generous saying that.

Not to mention I feel that if his intentions weren’t nasty- he would of made contact through one of our mutual friends (none of which have spoken to him about her, request for pictures etc) rather than contacting me directly especially after what went on with his mother.

It’s just a shit situation because as I mentioned I don’t see my own family so DD only has me and her godparents pretty much

OP posts:

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