Please can somebody help re custody?

[jazz1995]

I have a 13 month old baby girl. She was the result of a one night stand- he made it clear from day one he wanted nothing to do with DD but what I chose to do with her was up to me. Which was fine by me.

I was living in London at the time working as an escort. I still do webcam work when my daughter is in bed (90% of the time she is flat out 77), my priority is my daughter and as far as I’m concerned how I earn my money and clothe, feed and nappy my child along with paying for her books, toys and classes (when they are on!) is my business. Nobody’s else’s.

I understand not everyone understands and can’t get their head wrapped round it- which is fine. I have fallen out with my own family because of it and I’m not bothered about people’s view on it. It means I can work and earn a good wage while still being there for my DD when she needs me which to me is something I prefer over putting her in nursery all day to work in a shit job I can’t stand for 1/4 of the money I earn.

Anyway....on to the main point of this thread.

When DD was born her dads mum (let’s call her Joan) contacted me asking to meet her granddaughter. I contacted him asking if this would be OK (as it’s his family and I didn’t want to go behind his back) and he OK’d it. I was still living in London at the time and this was when DD was 2 weeks old.

Meeting went fine although a little awkward and uncomfortable and I agree to her having permanent contact. Fast forward a month and lockdown was approaching- so I choose to move back up north to live with my best friend so I had some form of support if at the time we went into lockdown (which obviously we have).

I explained to Joan I would be leaving town. Que a hysterical breakdown of how a “whore” was taking her granddaughter away from her and that “she would fight all the way and make sure I’d never see my daughter again.” Lots of abusive phone calls and texts which eventually stopped as I called the police and they went round to warn her.

All went quiet until 3 weeks ago- DDs 1st birthday. Her dad contacted me (he got my number off my sister but that’s a whole other story) wishing his DD a happy birthday. I was the bigger person and sent a message of thanks and agreed to the FaceTime call he was requesting on her birthday.

Since then he has emailed me saying he is seeking shared custody. DD hasn’t got a clue who this man is- she cried on FaceTime for the 3 minutes she has seen him in her entire life. He asked to come and collect her that weekend and I refused. And then I got similar threats his mother made. Apparently I’m a whore and an unfit parent. I have contacted the police again- but they were only able to issue him a warning as this time it was him and not his mother.

Then this morning- I got an email from a mutual friend warning me that he has spoken to a solicitor and is now seeking full custody (just to be a petty twat I assume)

I have two concerns here:

1. I don’t believe he wants custody. I think he’s doing it because his mother wants custody and if he wins he will just pass her straight off on to her

1. I don’t want my daughter going to people who will poison her against me and she doesn’t even know for fucks sake. It isn’t like she will be down the road either

I guess I just want a hand hold?

Definitely get some legal advice. Also, while webcam work or escorting is totally fine and legitimate work, if you want to avoid negative accusations in court you should have a plan B for earning money if that dries up or when DD is older? Do you have qualifications or experience in anything else? Could you start to explore alternative work/courses now so that you have a back up and if it comes to court you aren't in a negative position?

Are you still living up north, and are they still in London?
The court won’t give him 50/50 long term if that’s the case. Expecting a baby to travel hours each way...never going to happen.

He will get a slow build up of short visits, but it’s all in your favour as she’s so young.

Ignore him, it’s unlikely he will go through with it, even if he does, is he really coming up north for an hours visit?

Agree with the posters advising legal advice. In my experience of the family courts they recommend a slow and gradual built-up of contact, but that obviously depends on the circumstances.

Do you have texts or emails of him saying he didn't want a relationship with the child? And do keep screenshots of any abuse they've sent you.

Don’t stress, for a child that young who has never spent time with her father before a court is never going to order immediate overnight contact and possibly not even contact away from you. If (and it is a big if) he bothers to pursue contact legally it will be a gradual process of your DD getting to know her father. I’m not sure if you would be expected to do some of the travel involved. I would post in legal for a clearer idea of what to expect.

Is he on the birth certificate?

OP has acknowledged he is the father so whether he is on the BC or not is irrelevant. Even if she contested it, it's a very simple order for a court to make - DNA test and BC changed. (plus legal fees for both sides that could be awarded against op if she is obstructive)

This has nothing to do with op, her ex (or his mum), and everything to do with the child - and it's right to have a relationship with both parents. There is some precedent for maintaining a relationship with grandparents if there was regular, long-established contact before, but as this was short-lived and some time ago, I'd dismiss it.

Long term dad would be awarded contact, building slowly, and yes, over time, this could be 50:50. Unlikely he'd want to push it that far ime though.

Usually when men realise they have to actually see their child and pay maintenance they back off.

Keep logging the abuse with the police.

@jazz1995
*can work and earn a good wage while still being there for my DD when she needs me which to me is something I prefer over putting her in nursery all day to work in a shit job I can’t stand for 1/4 of the money I earn.

Nothing wrong with children "being put in a nursery all day", you're asking people not to judge you, so don't judge them!*

She isn't judging, she's saying she prefers it to using a nursery - it's an opinion. The only judging is about the shit job.

Contact should be in the best interests of the child, not parent. For a baby, this will be short, regular amounts, building up over time. You need to be seen as reasonable and ‘promoting contact’. Given the distance and that he hasn’t bothered in a year, I’d start by offering (in writing) regular FaceTime, say 3 times per week, building up to him visiting to spend an hour or so (with you, because your daughter doesn’t know him) with him, etc.

Put it all in an email, and suggest mediation if he would like to discuss further. Oh, and get maintenance, it’s part of being a father after all!
Your job and what he thinks of it are irrelevant, unless it is endaangering the child - eg if you were still escorting and having clients over in the evenings.

Take care and keep strong

Very sensible advice from @Mooey89, I would listen to that.

I think @Mooey89 has the right idea. Put it in writing and stress that contact is for DD’s benefit so it needs to be built up gradually because she is very young and does not know him. Offer a small amount of FaceTime contact to begin with then a visit with you present after a couple of months. He won’t like it if he’s demanding to take your DD away with him overnight and is unlikely to accept or keep it up. But you will look very reasonable if it does go to court. You have to play the game.

If he surprises you and is a very attentive and interested father then that’s great for your DD. I’m inclined to believe he is doing this because his mum is demanding it. Generally men who opt out of being a father don’t usually turn into great dads after a year. If you receive any abuse whatsoever immediately report to the police .

Also seriously don’t let him be alone with her if he is on the birth certificate. He may not return her and the police are powerless to intervene so you have to go to court ASAP.

If he’s serious about seeking a relationship with his daughter, it’s very easy to be added to her birth certificate (if he’s not already on it).
He applies to court, does a DNA test, they issue a new certificate.
Then he can apply for mediation & court ordered contact which will eventually lead to unsupervised contact & overnight stays.
HOWEVER he WILL NOT be granted 100% custody of his daughter just because of how you earn money.

Secondly,, if it was me, I would make sure I had a residence order (custody) for my child asap with a solicitor..This means said child lives with you until 18. And you decide where they live

Absolutely get legal advice, but no, this really isn't the way residence orders work.

@StripedSalamander

Some of the advice here is completely wrong and frankly quite dangerous for you and your situation.

I would personally await contact from his legal representation should he decide to go down that route and then seek your own legal advice. You will be expected to go via mediation before court, but can bypass the step if there is a good enough reason. I would encourage you to mediate first.

It’s also worthwhile to note that courts are there to decide what is best for the child, not to pick which parent ‘wins’. Removing a child and handing it over to effective strangers just because of a biological relationship is therefore highly unlikely.

This.

Also if he really does push this, go for maintenance.

Hi. I'm a family lawyer. Most of these posts are kind but are based on little understanding of the law or courts. In your shoes I would find a well recommended local family solicitor and book an hour for a full consultation on all the ramifications of your position. The dad and his mum are not the only risks here. You need the full picture before others get in the driving seat.

@Crabbypaddy

If he is on the birth certificate he has parental rights. If not he is up shits creek without a paddle and him and his bother will be laughed out any court room.

Have you not heard of court ordered DNA testing?

@Onadifferentuniverse

Usually when men realise they have to actually see their child and pay maintenance they back off.

Keep logging the abuse with the police.

Not relevant if he wants shared custody.

What an awful situation. I don’t think that what you do for a living makes you a bad person. What I would say is that make absolutely sure there is nothing that can look like you are neglecting or harming your daughter. I really am not judging you- just saying that if for any reason their family report you to social services out of malice you will feel better if you are completely prepared. Moving north seems very sensible in the climate- you chose to have support. Make sure you can evidence how you put your daughter first and protect her. Just in case. You’ve been really sensible by the sound of this- not letting your daughter go off with total strangers. Stay strong. It’s a horrible situation.

Of course it’s relevant @Dogsarehairy men who are fuelled by their mothers generally realise and back off.

@Onadifferentuniverse

Usually when men realise they have to actually see their child and pay maintenance they back off.

Keep logging the abuse with the police.

100% agree with this.

Well doesn't his mother sound nice. Calling the mother of her granddaughter a whore. Fucking nasty.

@Plumbuddle

Hi. I'm a family lawyer. Most of these posts are kind but are based on little understanding of the law or courts. In your shoes I would find a well recommended local family solicitor and book an hour for a full consultation on all the ramifications of your position. The dad and his mum are not the only risks here. You need the full picture before others get in the driving seat.

This. Well meaning advice isn't the same - if you earn good money book the best you can and act on their advice.

AIBU is the wrong place for this OP. Though you've had some posters talking sense you've had a lot of poor advice.

I agree you should seek legal advice, be open to negotiation and put your DD's interests first. Don't be scared or bullied into things but accept some contact is going to happen whether that's through mediation or court.

People are incorrect when they say not being on the birth certificate means he doesn't have a leg to stand in. It is just another step in the process to be added. It's not hard to do. However no court is just going to take a 1 year old and place them with a stranger because he now fancies that. The initial stages of introduction will very likely involve significant effort from him, him travelling a long distance for a couple of hours of contact on a fairly regular basis, and if it really is his mum driving it then I can't imagine him keeping it up. The grandmother doesn't have any rights so won't be involved initially. If he genuinely does want to see his dd now then this tightly will be supported but as I said will be gradual. I'd find yourself a lawyer and get them up to speed so if a letter does appear then they are informed and ready to act.