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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you all what an awful mother I am?

57 replies

TheMotherMum · 13/02/2021 09:40

DD is 6, end of July born so just 6 and a half. I split with her dad in early 2017 when she was 2. We split due to ExHs violence, he was never violent in front of DD but I left him due to the threats he made that I felt were serious.

A lengthy court battle ensued (which lasted until just before she started school). Originally ExH wanted full custody, then 50/50, then back to full custody. He also tried to stop her going to the school near me which could meet her additional needs as at this point she had no official diagnosis.

ExH was eventually only granted EOW overnight and 1 night a week for tea.

When DD was diagnosed, ExH lodged another petition with the court for full custody, we’d only been out of court less than 6 months. His arguments this time where that I’d given her the conditions she had – inherited condition but can be one of those things as well, he was tested and didn’t have or carry the condition, he boasted about it when he got his results and even put it in the court documents as some sort of beacon, I decided against being tested because even if I do carry it there’s nothing I can do about it (I don’t want anymore children so it makes no difference to that) – so that meant I couldn’t care for her adequately in his eyes. He also tried to force me to be tested to prove I passed it on but he told the judge he just needed to know where the condition came from. Courts stuck to the EOW overnight but offered him an extra night for tea (which I agreed to to keep the peace). He never took it. They couldn’t and can’t force me to be tested they said as an adult that’s up to me.

In the almost 4 years since we split ExH has been to a grand total of 1 medical appointment (the one where they tested him for the condition – he got the results by letter). He’s not attended a single parents evening or ever spoken to her teachers he claims he didn’t want her to go to that school so he has nothing to do with it. When she started he would have her the 1 after school for tea but I would have to get her and walk her to his car – I did this so DD could keep up regular contact with ExH not for him, her condition means she needs regular short contacts to keep her in the routine so she can sleepover (similar to ASD but not ASD).

Since March 2020, ExH has seen DD EO Saturday for a few hours. No overnights, no weeknight contact.

Yet still DD begs to go and live with him, she asks for him almost daily, talks about the awesome life she has with him. How my cooking (I cooking a lot from scratch) is ok but the takeaways and mcdonalds daddy gets is much better. She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time. He spends most of the time playing video games and eating chocolate or takeaway. It’s got worse in this lockdown not better as I’m also doing schoolwork with her which is “ever so boring”. She got star of the week last week and begged me to send the photo to daddy which I did, he didn’t even acknowledge the photo, which I told DD and she just says “he proud I know he” when I say I’m proud she says “Yes but you mummy so you have to” (her condition causes a slight speech delay). It’s my Saturday with her and she just asked when she’s going to daddys.

I don’t think ExH is alienating her, the things she says are very childlike and I don’t think its stuff he’d say to her. I think she sees his house as the fun, never having to do boring schoolwork or chores house and thinks life would be like that all the time. But I feel awful, it feels like a kick in the stomach and I’m being punished by someone for leaving my ExH. I feel like an awful mother, I must be, if my own 6 year old doesn’t want to live with me. I’ve asked why she wants to live with daddy she says things like fun, nice, big house (3 bed house compared to our tiny 2 bed flat, DDs room is barely big enough for a single bed and most of her clothes are in my room).

So AIBU to ask you to tell me what an awful mother I am? I literally do not know how to improve this situation everything I say to DD about loving her and enjoying her company is met with "well yeah you mummy".

OP posts:
FallenSky · 13/02/2021 09:45

You can't improve it. She will grow up and eventually understand what a great mother you are. Kids can say horrible things without even realising it. You sound like an amazing mum and you need to just carry on caring for your DD like you do. It's not the same in any way shape or form but my DC would probably love to live at their grandparents because that's where they get expensive days out, sugar overloads and hardly ever hear the word "no". But you know as well as I do that if they actually did live there life would not be that way. He's a Disney dad, a shit one at that. What he said about you passing on the condition to your daughter is disgusting and I hope you don't believe that you are at fault in anyway. I have an inherited disability and my mother feels a tremendous amount of guilt. I always respond that I would rather be here, alive, with the condition than to have never been born at all. Because ultimately those are the only 2 scenarios!

Shinesun14 · 13/02/2021 09:47

I don't really have any advice but this sounds so sad for you.

There's a book called divorce poison on amazon. Its reader base is for dads being alienated. It talks about reminding dc of good times and gas strategies for building good relationships when dc feel like your dd feels. That's all I can really help with sorry OP.

Backtoschool101 · 13/02/2021 09:48

Oh lovely. She will realise when she's a bit older what a crock of shine hw is and then she will realise what an amazing mum you are. Keep doing what you are doing. Stay strong. Flowers

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/02/2021 09:52

That must be heartbreaking OP Flowers.

You sound like a fantastic mum by the way.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 13/02/2021 09:54

You poor thing.

At this age she sees Daddy as a friend, not a parent.

Who doesn’t want to live with their friends? He’s fun, he’s great but if she had to stay with him long turn she would be pining for you.

She will outgrow this and she will realise that you are the only constant in her life.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 09:59

Actually from her responses I think you’re misreading it. Understandably so. But still I think you’re not understanding what’s happening

She’s telling you she sees you as a given. It’s your job to look after her. Your love is unconditional. You’ve got to be proud or whatever, because you’re her mum.

She doesn’t feel that about her father. She feels she needs to please him. She wants his approval. She’s insecure in his feelings for her. And she wants a father figure there more often, And yes, she feels it’s more fun at his house. Which to be fair, to a six year old it is.

So I’d hold fast in the knowledge you’re doing a great job. She sees you as constant, reliable. She isn’t insecure with you. She isn’t feeling she needs to please you. She sees your home as hers.

I’d also make it clear to her her father loves her, and will always be her daddy, always there for her. Try to lessen the insecurity. And try to do some more fun things with her too. A McDonald’s, or playing games, a pyjama day, whatever, so she doesn’t just see you as the hospital appt, school work, chores person. But that is tempered with fun times too.

You don’t mention any fun things you do with her, and as much as cooking from scratch always is fantastic and admirable, eating some crap now and again is also fun.

16purplecolour16 · 13/02/2021 10:01

Put your big knickers on and march forward. Motherhood is not the joyous ideal for some of us, as best we try. In one way children, we, are amazing what we do to make our way in this world but on the other hand, we also need to be self-involved to survive. It’s a shock when we see it played out in our own children. I see it in my own children. I manage it by being realistic and keeping something in my life that is mine and completely separate. I have good friends who tell a different story of who I am. I have a ‘hobby’ that is very important to me. These things keep the balance in my life and enables me to weather the storm that I am not the ‘good enough’ mother.

Original poster
TheMotherMum · 13/02/2021 10:06

@Bluntness100

Actually from her responses I think you’re misreading it. Understandably so. But still I think you’re not understanding what’s happening

She’s telling you she sees you as a given. It’s your job to look after her. Your love is unconditional. You’ve got to be proud or whatever, because you’re her mum.

She doesn’t feel that about her father. She feels she needs to please him. She wants his approval. She’s insecure in his feelings for her. And she wants a father figure there more often, And yes, she feels it’s more fun at his house. Which to be fair, to a six year old it is.

So I’d hold fast in the knowledge you’re doing a great job. She sees you as constant, reliable. She isn’t insecure with you. She isn’t feeling she needs to please you. She sees your home as hers.

I’d also make it clear to her her father loves her, and will always be her daddy, always there for her. Try to lessen the insecurity. And try to do some more fun things with her too. A McDonald’s, or playing games, a pyjama day, whatever, so she doesn’t just see you as the hospital appt, school work, chores person. But that is tempered with fun times too.

You don’t mention any fun things you do with her, and as much as cooking from scratch always is fantastic and admirable, eating some crap now and again is also fun.

We do eat crap, there isn't a mcdonalds near us but we always go on the way back from hospital appointments because there's one on the way home. We can't go anywhere really atm, but I used to take her swimming, once a week for her lesson then on my Saturday/Weekend we'd go together, we've been to the cinema a few times, I try and take her to the beach at least once every August (nearest is about 2 hours drive away) as she loves the beach. We've been on holiday twice both times to Wales but near to a beach and DD spent her days with me building sandcastles and paddling in the sea. We've never been abroad but it's my plan when covid disappears.

We go to a local farm a lot (pre-covid) which has a miniture railway thing (think its about 3 miles long in a loop) she laughs her head off when she goes on it. We used to take a picnic and eat in the forest by the farm too.

OP posts:
SignsofSpring · 13/02/2021 10:09

I think that some of this chat about amazing daddy is what kids do at this age (I hate you/love Daddy) and some of it is about looking for reassurance. She actually sounds quite stressed about the two houses and different parents thing. My aim would be to diffuse it if she talks in this way a bit- don't go into crazy amounts of reassurance, just take the heat and emotion out of your own reactions. If she says 'daddy's house is better', say 'hmm, it's lovely isn't it' and carry on with what you are doing, if she says 'when you die, can I live at daddies' say 'oh, I'm going to be around and looking after you for a long long time, but it's great you've got daddy too' and so on.

Just respond in a neutral, almost disinterested way to the remarks about Daddy, and then at other times give her the love and connection she needs (snuggles in bed, do things together).

I think it's her insecurities (and perhaps she's a bit young for her age) and that's why she's saying things you might associate with a slightly younger child. You sound like a lovely mum but don't take this to heart.

ZackaryQuack · 13/02/2021 10:10

She’s telling you she sees you as a given. It’s your job to look after her. Your love is unconditional. You’ve got to be proud or whatever, because you’re her mum.

This so so much, please recognise you are doing the best you can for her.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 13/02/2021 10:12

Oh OP, your DD is inadvertently telling you what an awesome mummy you are by saying you are her constant, that you have to be proud of her. I know it doesn't make up for the constant talk of living with daddy but you need to try and not take it personally, he sounds like a lazy Disney parent and it would not be fun to live like that constantly.

Try and do some fun things too - I have this where my DP is the fun parent and I had to pick up the slack. I just thought fuck it and tried to do intermittent fun whilst also holding the ship together. It has worked wonders and he's no longer the only fun one.

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2021 10:13

Op, I think maybe you responded a little defensively. I wasn’t criticising you, I was saying you should recognise you’re doing a good job and her father isn’t, hence why she’s insecure in her relationship and wants to please him.

Original poster
TheMotherMum · 13/02/2021 10:13

@FallenSky

You can't improve it. She will grow up and eventually understand what a great mother you are. Kids can say horrible things without even realising it. You sound like an amazing mum and you need to just carry on caring for your DD like you do. It's not the same in any way shape or form but my DC would probably love to live at their grandparents because that's where they get expensive days out, sugar overloads and hardly ever hear the word "no". But you know as well as I do that if they actually did live there life would not be that way. He's a Disney dad, a shit one at that. What he said about you passing on the condition to your daughter is disgusting and I hope you don't believe that you are at fault in anyway. I have an inherited disability and my mother feels a tremendous amount of guilt. I always respond that I would rather be here, alive, with the condition than to have never been born at all. Because ultimately those are the only 2 scenarios!
I haven't been tested for the condition so I don't know if I carry it or even have it in a very mild form and I won't be tested for it. It's not going to change me if I have/carry it, it's not going to change DD, so what benefit is there to being tested?
OP posts:
Original poster
TheMotherMum · 13/02/2021 10:14

@Bluntness100

Op, I think maybe you responded a little defensively. I wasn’t criticising you, I was saying you should recognise you’re doing a good job and her father isn’t, hence why she’s insecure in her relationship and wants to please him.
So yes I did. Thank you for you're response.
OP posts:
OliverBabish · 13/02/2021 10:19

I agree with PPs - you are the constant, you are the given. That is so precious, if sometimes completely thankless.

Primitivo1 · 13/02/2021 10:20

She’s telling you she sees you as a given. It’s your job to look after her. Your love is unconditional. You’ve got to be proud or whatever, because you’re her mum

Thanks 16purplecolour16 for wise words, and for articulating the need to have a separate life (I need to do this).

OP, I have children with SEN and it can make everything harder. I am not going to say your DD may grow out of thinking this way and thinking you are great, because she might not.... but that doesn't mean that you aren't a wonderful mother to her, you truly are.

AubergineDream · 13/02/2021 10:22

My children take me completely for granted, and never question that I will be there. I take this as a sign that I am doing my job right

partyatthepalace · 13/02/2021 10:22

Oh OP - you sound like a remarkable mum who has absolutely been through the mill. What a dickhead your ex is.

It’s normal at 6 for girls to fall in love with their Dads, and for kids to play parents off - and as PP says, he acts like her mate so of course it’s fun to be with him.

One day - hopefully before she’s a young adult, but certainly by then she will realise the truth. In the meantime make a note of his limited contact, every time he doesn’t show up for a visit or event, so you are covered if he starts acting up. Try to avoid criticising him (eg for not acknowledging a picture) - and just carry on being a great mum - eventually she will be your friend as well as an appreciative daughter.

bloodyhairy · 13/02/2021 10:24

You're amazing! Please don't take what your daughter is saying to heart. She is too little to understand, but her perception will be entirely different (and very much in your favour!) when older Thanks

Snowymcsnowsony · 13/02/2021 10:26

My dc went nc with their df - in their words they needed a parent and boundaries and he couldn't do that. He had spent years throwing £££ and tech at them while I parented my way. No tech, proper meals, bedtimes..
Your dd will realise op don't worry too much.
Has she got a pet at your home?My dc had siblings and pets here. Df couldn't provide those!! Dc were very close to ddog... Maybe even a fish could work in your favour??

Peace43 · 13/02/2021 10:28

Sounds slightly familiar. Mine is 10 and NT and she loves Daddy, can’t wait for Daddy days, always wants to stay longer. He is just the best thing ever. Except the one day she was ill and she rang in tears asking to be picked up because she was poorly and wanted to come home.
That’s the difference, this is home and he is a “holiday”. Holidays are great fun but everyone needs a proper home. You are home. Don’t let it get to you, she loves you like home - right down at the bone marrow level. Not something you need to say because it’s so deep it’s just understood.

LostInMoab · 13/02/2021 10:29

But who does she want when she’s sad or hurt? I bet it’s you.

My children take me completely for granted, and never question that I will be there. I take this as a sign that I am doing my job right

I love this.

lastqueenofscotland · 13/02/2021 10:29

I’ve a very good friend who I’ve known since my pre teen years who had a similar situation. Until she was about 13/14 she thought her dad was amazing, when she go to see him she got to do all this fun stuff, he let them have chocolate for their meals, took them to theme parks etc. And she thought he was the bees knees. As she got older and developed a bit of emotional intelligence she realised he was a complete Disney dad and did these things not to entertain his children but to try and get one over on his ex wife so they liked him more, and they were just pawns in this ridiculous game.
By the time they were 18 both of them had decided not to contact him any more and had legally changed their names to their mums name.
She’s very young and these things are still very exciting.

diddl · 13/02/2021 11:02

"She’s telling you she sees you as a given. It’s your job to look after her. Your love is unconditional. You’ve got to be proud or whatever, because you’re her mum."

So much this, Op.

When mine were young & I was with them at the time & husband working long hours, there would be such excitement at his arrival in the evening-the novelty of seeing daddy after so many hours of being with mummy!

DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 13/02/2021 11:02

I think especially at the moment its tough with kids, because you can't really do anything fun with them, its all home learning and more pressure from us.

My DSS who we have end of week, wants to come and live here, because he has so much fun
My DS who lives with us, wants to go live with his brother, cause he has fun when he is there

Kids are funny

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