DD is 6, end of July born so just 6 and a half. I split with her dad in early 2017 when she was 2. We split due to ExHs violence, he was never violent in front of DD but I left him due to the threats he made that I felt were serious.
A lengthy court battle ensued (which lasted until just before she started school). Originally ExH wanted full custody, then 50/50, then back to full custody. He also tried to stop her going to the school near me which could meet her additional needs as at this point she had no official diagnosis.
ExH was eventually only granted EOW overnight and 1 night a week for tea.
When DD was diagnosed, ExH lodged another petition with the court for full custody, we’d only been out of court less than 6 months. His arguments this time where that I’d given her the conditions she had – inherited condition but can be one of those things as well, he was tested and didn’t have or carry the condition, he boasted about it when he got his results and even put it in the court documents as some sort of beacon, I decided against being tested because even if I do carry it there’s nothing I can do about it (I don’t want anymore children so it makes no difference to that) – so that meant I couldn’t care for her adequately in his eyes. He also tried to force me to be tested to prove I passed it on but he told the judge he just needed to know where the condition came from. Courts stuck to the EOW overnight but offered him an extra night for tea (which I agreed to to keep the peace). He never took it. They couldn’t and can’t force me to be tested they said as an adult that’s up to me.
In the almost 4 years since we split ExH has been to a grand total of 1 medical appointment (the one where they tested him for the condition – he got the results by letter). He’s not attended a single parents evening or ever spoken to her teachers he claims he didn’t want her to go to that school so he has nothing to do with it. When she started he would have her the 1 after school for tea but I would have to get her and walk her to his car – I did this so DD could keep up regular contact with ExH not for him, her condition means she needs regular short contacts to keep her in the routine so she can sleepover (similar to ASD but not ASD).
Since March 2020, ExH has seen DD EO Saturday for a few hours. No overnights, no weeknight contact.
Yet still DD begs to go and live with him, she asks for him almost daily, talks about the awesome life she has with him. How my cooking (I cooking a lot from scratch) is ok but the takeaways and mcdonalds daddy gets is much better. She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time. He spends most of the time playing video games and eating chocolate or takeaway. It’s got worse in this lockdown not better as I’m also doing schoolwork with her which is “ever so boring”. She got star of the week last week and begged me to send the photo to daddy which I did, he didn’t even acknowledge the photo, which I told DD and she just says “he proud I know he” when I say I’m proud she says “Yes but you mummy so you have to” (her condition causes a slight speech delay). It’s my Saturday with her and she just asked when she’s going to daddys.
I don’t think ExH is alienating her, the things she says are very childlike and I don’t think its stuff he’d say to her. I think she sees his house as the fun, never having to do boring schoolwork or chores house and thinks life would be like that all the time. But I feel awful, it feels like a kick in the stomach and I’m being punished by someone for leaving my ExH. I feel like an awful mother, I must be, if my own 6 year old doesn’t want to live with me. I’ve asked why she wants to live with daddy she says things like fun, nice, big house (3 bed house compared to our tiny 2 bed flat, DDs room is barely big enough for a single bed and most of her clothes are in my room).
So AIBU to ask you to tell me what an awful mother I am? I literally do not know how to improve this situation everything I say to DD about loving her and enjoying her company is met with "well yeah you mummy".