To tell you all what an awful mother I am?

[TheMotherMum]

DD is 6, end of July born so just 6 and a half. I split with her dad in early 2017 when she was 2. We split due to ExHs violence, he was never violent in front of DD but I left him due to the threats he made that I felt were serious.

A lengthy court battle ensued (which lasted until just before she started school). Originally ExH wanted full custody, then 50/50, then back to full custody. He also tried to stop her going to the school near me which could meet her additional needs as at this point she had no official diagnosis.

ExH was eventually only granted EOW overnight and 1 night a week for tea.

When DD was diagnosed, ExH lodged another petition with the court for full custody, we’d only been out of court less than 6 months. His arguments this time where that I’d given her the conditions she had – inherited condition but can be one of those things as well, he was tested and didn’t have or carry the condition, he boasted about it when he got his results and even put it in the court documents as some sort of beacon, I decided against being tested because even if I do carry it there’s nothing I can do about it (I don’t want anymore children so it makes no difference to that) – so that meant I couldn’t care for her adequately in his eyes. He also tried to force me to be tested to prove I passed it on but he told the judge he just needed to know where the condition came from. Courts stuck to the EOW overnight but offered him an extra night for tea (which I agreed to to keep the peace). He never took it. They couldn’t and can’t force me to be tested they said as an adult that’s up to me.

In the almost 4 years since we split ExH has been to a grand total of 1 medical appointment (the one where they tested him for the condition – he got the results by letter). He’s not attended a single parents evening or ever spoken to her teachers he claims he didn’t want her to go to that school so he has nothing to do with it. When she started he would have her the 1 after school for tea but I would have to get her and walk her to his car – I did this so DD could keep up regular contact with ExH not for him, her condition means she needs regular short contacts to keep her in the routine so she can sleepover (similar to ASD but not ASD).

Since March 2020, ExH has seen DD EO Saturday for a few hours. No overnights, no weeknight contact.

Yet still DD begs to go and live with him, she asks for him almost daily, talks about the awesome life she has with him. How my cooking (I cooking a lot from scratch) is ok but the takeaways and mcdonalds daddy gets is much better. She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time. He spends most of the time playing video games and eating chocolate or takeaway. It’s got worse in this lockdown not better as I’m also doing schoolwork with her which is “ever so boring”. She got star of the week last week and begged me to send the photo to daddy which I did, he didn’t even acknowledge the photo, which I told DD and she just says “he proud I know he” when I say I’m proud she says “Yes but you mummy so you have to” (her condition causes a slight speech delay). It’s my Saturday with her and she just asked when she’s going to daddys.

I don’t think ExH is alienating her, the things she says are very childlike and I don’t think its stuff he’d say to her. I think she sees his house as the fun, never having to do boring schoolwork or chores house and thinks life would be like that all the time. But I feel awful, it feels like a kick in the stomach and I’m being punished by someone for leaving my ExH. I feel like an awful mother, I must be, if my own 6 year old doesn’t want to live with me. I’ve asked why she wants to live with daddy she says things like fun, nice, big house (3 bed house compared to our tiny 2 bed flat, DDs room is barely big enough for a single bed and most of her clothes are in my room).

So AIBU to ask you to tell me what an awful mother I am? I literally do not know how to improve this situation everything I say to DD about loving her and enjoying her company is met with "well yeah you mummy".

@Snowymcsnowsony

My dc went nc with their df - in their words they needed a parent and boundaries and he couldn't do that. He had spent years throwing £££ and tech at them while I parented my way. No tech, proper meals, bedtimes.. Your dd will realise op don't worry too much. Has she got a pet at your home?My dc had siblings and pets here. Df couldn't provide those!! Dc were very close to ddog... Maybe even a fish could work in your favour??

We have a cat yes, she loves the cat, spends hours brushing her and stroking her

@LostInMoab

But who does she want when she’s sad or hurt? I bet it’s you.

My children take me completely for granted, and never question that I will be there. I take this as a sign that I am doing my job right

I love this.

She always wants me, asks school to call me when she hurt her head really badly in Reception year and needed an ambulance.

Bluntness has nailed it. I get why u went on the defensive, and easy for us posters to say, as we are on the outside looking in, whilst you're living thru it. But she has seriously nailed it. My DD was the same at 6. She moved in with her 'D'F when she was 13, because he was this amazing Disney dad. She moved out and back in with me 3 weeks later. Roll on to now, shes 26 and has totally seen thru him for years. Theres barely any contact between them now and hasn't been for years. She now sees him as the work shy dosser he always has been....hence why he could always spend more time with her when she was younger

She always wants me, asks school to call me when she hurt her head really badly in Reception year and needed an ambulance

This really does say it all OP I know it’s hard hearing these things but honestly, keep doing what you’re doing and stop questioning yourself (he’d probably love to know the effect he’s having, don’t allow it)

I voted YABU because you are not an awful mum. You sound like a wonderful caring parent who continues to put her daughter first and make sure she is looked after properly and her needs met every day. Anyone can look after a kid for an afternoon, buy them crap and have fun with them - it's easy. You're doing the hard work and as your daughter grows so will her appreciation for this. My abusive ex is no longer in our kids lives (his choice) and I have to say it's much easier, but I was previously in a similar situation to this where he was celebrated cos he'd pop round to his mum's and see them there for a couple of hours, bringing sweets/toys and being fun, never telling them off. Now they are older he means fuck all to them, they have grown to adore and respect the people that have been there for them every day, doing the boring stuff cooking their meals helping with problems and loving them unconditionally.

You are amazing, keep doing what you're doing it may take a little longer for the appreciation to come but I promise it will, and it will be real and everlasting.

She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time.

This broke my heart! So much sympathy, OP. But at this age they only know what gives them short-term enjoyment. She doesn’t know your ‘boring’ dinners are what will prevent her ending up obese, or your ‘small’ flat is small because you spend all your money on warm clothes and food for her, and if you were ‘free’ 12 days a fortnight you’d probably have a big house as well.

But one day she’ll know.

"She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time."

I should imagine that she doesn't really understand the implications of that.

Is it possible her Dad has said it when she's asked about living with him/seeing him more?

@diddl

"She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time."

I should imagine that she doesn't really understand the implications of that.

Is it possible her Dad has said it when she's asked about living with him/seeing him more?

More than likely he has and she's caught onto that.

She doesn’t feel that about her father. She feels she needs to please him. She wants his approval. She’s insecure in his feelings for her. And she wants a father figure there more often, And yes, she feels it’s more fun at his house. Which to be fair, to a six year old it is.

This exactly.
You're being a brilliant mum, and I think deep down you know you're doing a good job - would you want her to eat crap all the time and have no structure to her life?

Of course what she says hurts, but at that age she doesn't understand what she's saying. Maybe her condition worsens this lack of understanding too?

Her dad probably gets off on the idea that she's so desperate for his attention, it feeds his ego - come on, he does nothing and gets all this reward?

It won't last.

I would start explaining to her when she makes comments like 'when will you die' that its a very hurtful thing to say and we don't say things like that to people.

I would also use it as a chance to say, 'oh not for a long time yet' so that you reinforce the fact that you're the constant in her life.

Can you so 1 day a week as a cheat day? We used to have 1 day a week when we'd walk to the shops for sweets or have burgers on the floor in front of the TV...they were things to look forward to, less work for mum and balanced out the mcd we'd have with our dad on visits!

@TaraR2020

She doesn’t feel that about her father. She feels she needs to please him. She wants his approval. She’s insecure in his feelings for her. And she wants a father figure there more often, And yes, she feels it’s more fun at his house. Which to be fair, to a six year old it is.

This exactly.
You're being a brilliant mum, and I think deep down you know you're doing a good job - would you want her to eat crap all the time and have no structure to her life?

Of course what she says hurts, but at that age she doesn't understand what she's saying. Maybe her condition worsens this lack of understanding too?

Her dad probably gets off on the idea that she's so desperate for his attention, it feeds his ego - come on, he does nothing and gets all this reward?

It won't last.

I would start explaining to her when she makes comments like 'when will you die' that its a very hurtful thing to say and we don't say things like that to people.

I would also use it as a chance to say, 'oh not for a long time yet' so that you reinforce the fact that you're the constant in her life.

Can you so 1 day a week as a cheat day? We used to have 1 day a week when we'd walk to the shops for sweets or have burgers on the floor in front of the TV...they were things to look forward to, less work for mum and balanced out the mcd we'd have with our dad on visits!

I love the idea of a cheat day! Sounds perfect.

Her condition makes her emotionally immature so it could that it is affecting her understanding too.

It wouldn't be good for her condition to eat crap all the time, and the structure is what she thrives off, she absolutely loves school in that sense.

You sound like a great mother to me for lots of reasons:

• refusing to allow your DD to grow up in a violent/aggressive household
• ensuring she went to best school for her needs
• supporting her home learning
• supporting her contact with dad even though he sounds like a mega twat

I would not be happy with my child eating McDonalds weekly- so you're doing well not to tell ExDH he's a shit, lazy arse who needs to work harder to meet your DD's emotional and health needs.Imagine not responding to your DD's star of week?! Disgusting man.

I was raised by a father that provided me with no structure whatsoever, fed me absolute crap (I was hospitalised twice due to malnutrition) and who constantly forgot to pick me up from school as the pub constantly called his name. I still love him dearly, but he was a rubbish parent and I desperately wanted someone to look after me. You are exactly what you’re child needs, please don’t ever doubt yourself.

I agree with Bluntness. She’s telling you that she is completely secure with you. Your love is her safe place. She takes it for granted. There are plenty of children from two-parent households who do not feel unconditionally loved. This is proof that you are getting something very right.

@diddl

"She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time."

I should imagine that she doesn't really understand the implications of that.

Is it possible her Dad has said it when she's asked about living with him/seeing him more?

Mine, at a similar age, told me that if I died then she would be able to have a cat (I'm allergic). On another occasion, a little older, she told me that if I died on the way home from school it would be okay because she knew the way home (I loved the idea that she would calmly extract the keys from my pocket and carry on home - presumably leaving me on the pavement). They really don't understand the implications.

You are not a bad mother at all.

For the present you have to keep trying, and hope it will all come through in the end- so best of luck, and be strong in the hard times.

Bluntness is 100% correct.

In terms of attachment, she has a secure one with you. You are a given, her constant.

She's insecure with her dad, seeking approval, wanting him to be proud. Wanting to know he cares.

It's quite sad really.

@diddl

"She asks when I’m going to die so she can live with daddy all the time."

I should imagine that she doesn't really understand the implications of that.

Is it possible her Dad has said it when she's asked about living with him/seeing him more?

Your Ex sounds like a tosser, but I wouldn't assume he has planted this idea. She's at the age for having anxieties about parental death and about what would happen to her. She may have asked your Ex if she would live with him if you died and - hopefully- he has said yes, but that's appropriate and not the same as encouraging her to want you to die.

I'm not making excuses for him - as I say, he sounds a prick. I just don't want you to be worrying that he is encouraging your DD to wish you dead, when this is likely not the case.

...when I say hopefully, I mean hopefully he was reassuring that he would care for her if you weren't there, Obviously he is probably not who you would actually want to care for her IRL.

My 6 year old regularly asks when daddy will die so she can get a puppy, and she has a great dad who she has a great relationship with!

Your little girl is in love with the idea of having a good dad. She probably wants a nice dad like the ones her school friends have. She's trying to convince herself that she has a super fun daddy who loves her loads and is proud of her. I wouldn't take it to heart.

I was a child who my mum would probably have described in a similar way - it was all insecurity. I needed to convince myself that I had fun at my dad's because I didn't feel secure in my relationship with him.

I would never even ask him for pocket money, didn't ask for lifts, and I never even used my wheedling voice with him, because I never wanted to test him. I knew that he had the capacity to leave me and barely look back and that was when I hadn't even done anything - imagine how he would react if I actually annoyed him!? Whatever I said to my mum, however rude or ungrateful I was, I knew that she would always be there. And guess what, my mum is still a legend and I'm NC with my dad because he just wasn't worth the hassle.

*I love the idea of a cheat day! Sounds perfect.

Her condition makes her emotionally immature so it could that it is affecting her understanding too.

It wouldn't be good for her condition to eat crap all the time, and the structure is what she thrives off, she absolutely loves school in that sense*

I'm not a mum (yet) but id much rather have a child who saw me as the boring one yet wanted to be looked after and cuddled by me when they're ill or sad.

Cheat days are great - and you can make them as sneakily healthy as you like

I completely sympathise as my daughter used to be same as yours when it came to my ex-husband (and he is a much worse dad than even your ex sounds). Now she’s 11, she sees him more for who he is. I actually have to encourage her to think better of him (which I always do because U don’t wanz my daughter to think her dad is a careless arsehole. Honestly things will change. Kids can be cruel.

As for making your house more “fun”, would you consider getting her a little pet?

Apologies for the typos, am on my phone

@XelaM

I completely sympathise as my daughter used to be same as yours when it came to my ex-husband (and he is a much worse dad than even your ex sounds). Now she’s 11, she sees him more for who he is. I actually have to encourage her to think better of him (which I always do because U don’t wanz my daughter to think her dad is a careless arsehole. Honestly things will change. Kids can be cruel.

As for making your house more “fun”, would you consider getting her a little pet?

We have a cat, DD loves the cat, they're best friends. Cat knows when DDs eating any food dropped on the floor is hers, it's actually very sweet to see.

So sorry for you OP. But really, as other posters have said, stick to the high road and it will work out. My DD's dad was also very violent. She went through a phase when she would tell all sorts of lies about how wonderful things were with him. Every time we went somewhere nice she would say she'd been there before with him. Grit your teeth, smile and keep doing the good stuff. He got even more violent and now she is 14 and refuses to see him. As a result she is much calmer, much happier and much more settled. Even this shall pass OP. It will get better