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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help regarding my maid of honour?

80 replies

prettyindarkblack · 12/02/2021 15:38

Hi, I'll try to keep this brief as otherwise it'll go on for ages.

I was close friends with someone at work, we always said we've be eachother MOHs when the time comes. We both now get married this year and have asked each other to be MOH. I asked a year ago. I have since left the company.

Since I asked, she doesn't really speak to me. She has always been like this with others but it has got worse. Doesn't respond to texts, doesn't put effort in etc. just expects friends to always be there...
Her fiancé is a horrible man and whilst there's elements of coercive behaviour from him, this isn't what is primarily causing her to be a shit friend. She has been able to make effort with other friends (I know this thanks to Instagram)

There is no debate that she is a bad friend and I have posted before. Everyone told me I was a mug and to get rid.

Well, my wedding is this summer (I am pretty confident it will go ahead as it is already a 20 people event) and I have made the decision I definitely do not want her as MOH. She isn't coming on my hen (her choice - no reason/apology given except that her other half doesn't allow her to do these kinds of things but she has been on other peoples), she hasn't helped organise my wedding/helped in any way, so the only thing that makes her MOH is by name.

To make things worse, I've realised I don't want either of them at my wedding full stop. It isn't close to where we live so I doubt she would want to come now anyway, but it's an expensive wedding with guest limitations (we chose a very specific and small venue) meaning they are taking the place family or other better friends could take. I would consider inviting just her but I know her and fiancé come as a package. She would be more offended if I just invited her than if I uninvited them both.

I've drafted a text which basically shows how shit she's been and gets to the point. I've had multiple people proof it for me, including my therapist. I went to send it but found out she's on sick leave. I called to ask if she's ok, she said she's fine and will call me back at the weekend. She never called. I don't want to delay but I am unsure if she's still on sick leave or if something more serious is going on.

My message has a section asking if there's something going on because I am there to talk if so.

So
YABU - she may be ill and it's not the right time to receive a serious message. it doesn't matter that she's treated you like dirt for a year or more.

YANBU - stop being a mug, send the message.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 12/02/2021 15:43

Yabu to use MOH

MOH are married

Sounds like a whole load of drama and you don't even like her so I don't really get the AIBU?

kazillionaire · 12/02/2021 15:43

Send the message, she has been no help and you shouldn't have to be chasing her, it's just more stress which nobody needs right now

Flippyferloppy · 12/02/2021 15:45

Send the message, she's no friend

moreofalurker · 12/02/2021 15:46

Send the message. Stop been the victim of her bullshit.

PlinkPlink · 12/02/2021 15:46

@MarthasGinYard

So, to top off you missing the point of the OP there, you're also incorrect.

Maid of Honour is for those who aren't married.

Matron of Honour is for those who are.

letsgo2021 · 12/02/2021 15:47

Well if she's on sick leave, I'd maybe wait until you find out how she is. Her being sick doesn't mean your feelings here aren't valid, but it may require your message to be reworded slightly, perhaps in light of new information.

It is rubbish when you drift apart. One of my bridesmaids hasn't the slightest bit of interest in my wedding, even though she expected (and got) my full attention for an entire year in the lead up to hers! But I've grown to realise she's just quite self centred. Always has been but this just highlighted it. But I'm very lucky I've got a brilliant MOH and other bridesmaids who make up for it.

It's a special time for you, so it's important you're surrounded by people who love you so I say if you'd be happier her not there then do that. But I would be mindful of how she is currently feeling, and figure out what's wrong first. There might just be more to the story than you know.

PlinkPlink · 12/02/2021 15:49

Her being sick doesn't negate the fact she's been a bad friend.

You can re-word it to make it less harsh if you really want to but it sounds to me like she won't be leaning on you for support anyway...

On the flipside, are you sure its not her controlling OH? Maybe he doesn't like you and is telling her not to talk to you 🤔 just playing devils advocate...

AbsitivelyPosolutely · 12/02/2021 15:52

What does the message say?

Rafflesway · 12/02/2021 15:55

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.

Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans then pretty much go NC.

Doesn't sound as if she would be too worried anyway and the above should kill 2 birds with one stone - she's uninvited from your wedding and vice versa. Job done! 😁

Dizzywizz · 12/02/2021 15:58

Have I missed this - when are you due to be her moh? Shouldn’t you tell her you won’t be doing that as well?

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 12/02/2021 16:03

I think it's a bit shit to dump someone by text, someone you were close enough to that you wanted them to be in your wedding party.

At least make a phone call and then it's done. And you can do it with a bit of kindness and part on good terms.
A text is likely to leave bad feelings on both sides.

billy1966 · 12/02/2021 16:06

@Rafflesway

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.

Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans then pretty much go NC.

Doesn't sound as if she would be too worried anyway and the above should kill 2 birds with one stone - she's uninvited from your wedding and vice versa. Job done! 😁

This. Then block and leave it.

katy1213 · 12/02/2021 16:07

Brief message - we seem to have drifted apart - only to be expected after a job change - and I'm sure you'll agree that it's best if we decide not to be each other's bridesmaids. Hope you're feeling better and all the best for the future.

No explanation needed for not sending a wedding invitation when the time comes. And next time remember that work friends very rarely turn out to be friends for life.

Fiona2020 · 12/02/2021 16:08

Who cares. She’s not a friend. Get rid and move on you owe her nothing!

LabCoatPocket · 12/02/2021 16:10

Ffs @MarthasGinYard. Really?

YANBU. Send it.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2021 16:12

Send the message and be rid of her already.

MessAllOver · 12/02/2021 16:12

Why are your choices sending a nasty message or inviting them both? Could you not send something like this:

"Hi X, I just wanted to let you know that we've had to reduce numbers for the wedding due to the Covid situation and are only having a few family members and close friends. I feel we've grown apart as friends recently (as you probably do to) so don't want to put you to the trouble of attending our wedding, especially as it's going to be held away from home at what would probably be an inconvenient location for you anyway. I wish you all the best and hope your recovery goes well. Do let me know if you'd like to catch up at any point... I don't want to burden you at all and I understand you want to put our friendship on the back-burner but I do still value all the good times we've had up till now".

bourbonne · 12/02/2021 16:14

What's the use of telling her "how shit she's been"? Just tell her your plans have changed, as PPs have suggested, and move on. No need to send a long character assassination.

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 12/02/2021 16:17

@katy1213

No explanation needed for not sending a wedding invitation when the time comes. And next time remember that work friends very rarely turn out to be friends for life.

Yes, do this.

There's no point sending a huge message with examples and subsections and a summary of your friendship thus far. Send a short, polite, to the point message.

spongedog · 12/02/2021 16:18

@Rafflesway

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.

Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans then pretty much go NC.

Doesn't sound as if she would be too worried anyway and the above should kill 2 birds with one stone - she's uninvited from your wedding and vice versa. Job done! 😁

This ^^

SageCardy · 12/02/2021 16:19

@Rafflesway

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.

Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans then pretty much go NC.

Doesn't sound as if she would be too worried anyway and the above should kill 2 birds with one stone - she's uninvited from your wedding and vice versa. Job done! 😁

Perfect response.

FraughtwithGin · 12/02/2021 16:20

Maid of Honour = Chief Bridesmaid (in my world)
MOH = Matron of Honour=Chief Bridesmaid, who is already married.

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 16:22

Do you need to get in touch at all? I'm sorry, I can't figure it out from your post.

You need to basically tell her she is not MOH anymore, right?

You don't need all the extra unpleasantness?

Palavah · 12/02/2021 16:23

If your message lists what you believe to be her shortcomings then don't send it. If it simply states that you feel she might not regard you as the close friend you thought she did then send it.

I can't imagine being close enough with someone to want to be each other's MOH and then cutting her loose when you know she's got an abusive fiancé

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 12/02/2021 16:27

Hmm, tricky. You agreed this before a global pandemic, no longer work together and she is now sick. With respect OP i can see why your wedding would not be her priority atm. In saying that, i can see why you are upset.

The whole my msg has a "section" in it sounds a tad aggressive and clinical.
"My message has a section asking if there's something going on because I am there to talk if so".

Maybe have the conversation by phone and phrase/pitch it a little differently. With kindness OP, weddings are one day, friendships can last a lifetime. Its been a tough year for most at the best of times. If contact has been low you really have no incite into what is really going on with her.

The whole Instagram thing is also a red herring. What you see on her Insta may not be what is real.

Yes, have who you want at your wedding but maybe cull the MOH list a little more diplomatically. Constructing bodies of txts with a "section" for friend to respond to , sounds a bit unkind and domineering. Hope all works out for you.

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