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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help regarding my maid of honour?

80 replies

prettyindarkblack · 12/02/2021 15:38

Hi, I'll try to keep this brief as otherwise it'll go on for ages.

I was close friends with someone at work, we always said we've be eachother MOHs when the time comes. We both now get married this year and have asked each other to be MOH. I asked a year ago. I have since left the company.

Since I asked, she doesn't really speak to me. She has always been like this with others but it has got worse. Doesn't respond to texts, doesn't put effort in etc. just expects friends to always be there...
Her fiancé is a horrible man and whilst there's elements of coercive behaviour from him, this isn't what is primarily causing her to be a shit friend. She has been able to make effort with other friends (I know this thanks to Instagram)

There is no debate that she is a bad friend and I have posted before. Everyone told me I was a mug and to get rid.

Well, my wedding is this summer (I am pretty confident it will go ahead as it is already a 20 people event) and I have made the decision I definitely do not want her as MOH. She isn't coming on my hen (her choice - no reason/apology given except that her other half doesn't allow her to do these kinds of things but she has been on other peoples), she hasn't helped organise my wedding/helped in any way, so the only thing that makes her MOH is by name.

To make things worse, I've realised I don't want either of them at my wedding full stop. It isn't close to where we live so I doubt she would want to come now anyway, but it's an expensive wedding with guest limitations (we chose a very specific and small venue) meaning they are taking the place family or other better friends could take. I would consider inviting just her but I know her and fiancé come as a package. She would be more offended if I just invited her than if I uninvited them both.

I've drafted a text which basically shows how shit she's been and gets to the point. I've had multiple people proof it for me, including my therapist. I went to send it but found out she's on sick leave. I called to ask if she's ok, she said she's fine and will call me back at the weekend. She never called. I don't want to delay but I am unsure if she's still on sick leave or if something more serious is going on.

My message has a section asking if there's something going on because I am there to talk if so.

So
YABU - she may be ill and it's not the right time to receive a serious message. it doesn't matter that she's treated you like dirt for a year or more.

YANBU - stop being a mug, send the message.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 12/02/2021 16:32

I'm another who doesn't understand why you seem to be making a straight choice between sending a horrible text saying what an awful friend she has been, or not sending any message Confused

I agree with

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.
Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans

Then decide later if you want to go NC, or keep in touch or whatever. There is no reason whatsoever for you to send her a nasty text detailing everything, regardless of her being on sick leave or not. What is that going to achieve for anyone ?

LookItsMeAgain · 12/02/2021 16:34

Am I the only one who thinks it is a bit much asking multiple people including a therapist proof a text message telling someone that they are no longer your MOH (and by the way as both Maid and Matron both start with M, it's an accurate acronym to use).
Just send a quick text message hoping that she is well and that due to circumstances, you've decided to have a much smaller wedding than previously arranged with only family in attendance and that as such you will not need her to be MOH any longer and wishing her all the best with her wedding or whatever.
No big deal.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 12/02/2021 16:34

"My message has a section asking if there's something going on because I am there to talk if so".

This does come across as more of an "answer to me/explain yourself" as opposed to "what can i do to help you?" .

Chloemol · 12/02/2021 16:35

Don’t tell her about being a shit friend. Just say plans have changed, it’s obvious we have drifted apart and it’s been difficult to maintain a friendship, and that sorry you have some family that are attending that need her places

Then don’t contact again

LunaHeather · 12/02/2021 16:35

"Am I the only one who thinks it is a bit much asking multiple people including a therapist proof a text message telling someone that they are no longer your MOH"

Agree.

crumptrump · 12/02/2021 16:38

I would ask her outright if something is going on and if she’s upset with me about something as she hasn’t been in touch. Start with that and try to get to the bottom of it. I would do it by phone and if she doesn’t answer then text. If she hasn’t replied within a few days, another short message saying that you’ve got the hint and sorry that you’ve grown apart so much and it obviously wouldn’t be appropriate for you to be each other’s MOH anymore but you’ll always be there for her if she wants to get in touch

Palavah · 12/02/2021 16:46

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"My message has a section asking if there's something going on because I am there to talk if so".

This does come across as more of an "answer to me/explain yourself" as opposed to "what can i do to help you?" .

Agreed
Frequentlymisunderstood · 12/02/2021 17:06

I've drafted a text which basically shows how shit she's been

Absolutely no need for this bit.

TillyTopper · 12/02/2021 17:25

Exactly as @Rafflesway says. I wouldn't lay into her, just get the job done and don't engage further.

NotStayingIn · 12/02/2021 18:23

@Rafflesway

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.

Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans then pretty much go NC.

Doesn't sound as if she would be too worried anyway and the above should kill 2 birds with one stone - she's uninvited from your wedding and vice versa. Job done! 😁

Just do this. I feel like you're overcomplicating things, and it doesn't sound like that will be in your best interest.
19lottie82 · 12/02/2021 18:26

Do people even have a MOH these days (especially with such a small wedding? It seems very old fashioned.

Tooearlyforsquats · 12/02/2021 18:29

@Rafflesway

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.

Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans then pretty much go NC.

Doesn't sound as if she would be too worried anyway and the above should kill 2 birds with one stone - she's uninvited from your wedding and vice versa. Job done! 😁

This!!!!
CSIblonde · 12/02/2021 18:32

What Rafflesway said has the perfect diplomatic,non confrontational tone. I did wonder if the fiance has friends he will let her see & friends he deems dangerous to his control over her & you're the threat.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 12/02/2021 18:36

"Just do this. I feel like you're overcomplicating things, and it doesn't sound like that will be in your best interest"

Agreed. Given the OP's friend appears to have cut/minimised contact with the OP and not responding to her texts.

Probably best OP bows out gracefully and leaves her friend alone.

Cadent · 12/02/2021 18:50

If it will give you closure, send it.

If not, just tell her that the wedding is postponed due to Covid. She doesn’t need to know when it is back on.

ktp100 · 12/02/2021 19:05

@Rafflesway

Just text her unfortunately you have had to rearrange everything due to covid, finances etc. and are now just having a very small ceremony with immediate family only as guests.

Wish her a speedy recovery and hope everything proceeds well with her own wedding plans then pretty much go NC.

Doesn't sound as if she would be too worried anyway and the above should kill 2 birds with one stone - she's uninvited from your wedding and vice versa. Job done! 😁

This is perfect.

Don't bother with long and rambling explanations, she'll just pick at them.

Short, sweet and final is the way!!

You really are doing the right thing, OP.

DavidsSchitt · 12/02/2021 19:08

Depends what the text says really.

I'd keep it brief and probably blame covid a bit as well as drifting apart due to distance and job changes

minipie · 12/02/2021 19:08

@katy1213

Brief message - we seem to have drifted apart - only to be expected after a job change - and I'm sure you'll agree that it's best if we decide not to be each other's bridesmaids. Hope you're feeling better and all the best for the future.

No explanation needed for not sending a wedding invitation when the time comes. And next time remember that work friends very rarely turn out to be friends for life.

This or similar.

No need to send a list of how she’s been shit, however cathartic you may find it.

Sheepies · 12/02/2021 19:13

As you have not addressed it before, I wouldn't send a lot of her shortcomings, that would be really upsetting to read out of the blue. Just say you feel you have drifted apart, but wish her well or something.

SoEverybodyDance · 12/02/2021 19:15

Do what Rafflesway suggested... it's easiest... and there's enough stress already in the world without making more...

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 12/02/2021 19:24

"Since I asked, she doesn't really speak to me. "

Maybe she does not want to spk to you.

"She has been able to make effort with other friends (I know this thanks to Instagram)"

Maybe she wants to speak to them and not you.

Just because she does not want to spk or engage with you does not make HER a bad friend.

TonyChestnut · 12/02/2021 19:29

Keep your message really short and unambiguous. Don't be tempted to say "and I'm sure you'll agree that it's best if we decide not to be each other's bridesmaids" or anything similar. It gives her an opportunity to reply "oh no, not at all, I'm really looking forward to the big day, see you then!"

Shrivelled · 12/02/2021 19:37

I have a sneaky suspicion she’ll be relieved when you tell her you don’t want her at your wedding.

Spudina · 12/02/2021 19:46

She’s going to be relieved. It sounds like the two of you have drifted apart. It would be super weird for her to be MOH as things stand. I think dropping her by text is he wrong thing to do however. Quick phoned call, see how she is, tell her your plans have changed and wish her well.

SunshineCake · 12/02/2021 19:46

Tempt send her a text saying she as been shit. Very immature.

Dear. x, as we have grown apart this last year I think it is best we drop plans to be each other MOH and just wish each other well for the weddings when they happen.

And hope she gets the hint she's not invited anymore.

Or, something else.