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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about DS being ‘the weird kid’

53 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 12/02/2021 07:41

ScatteredMama82

Sorry, this will probably ramble a bit, but I can’t sleep and I want to put it into words. My DS1 is in yr 6, he has a couple of friends in school and his ‘best’ mate is from another school (known each other since nursery). Generally he’s not great at making friends, he’s not good at talking to people and can sometime come across as a bit daft (making unfunny jokes at the wrong moments, that kind of thing). I think he’s quite immature emotionally, and he doesn’t pick up on sarcasm or little jibes/digs. There is a girl at school (the class queen bee) who has been tormenting him a bit, and I think she is beginning to turn people against him. Even his ‘good’ friends have said some unkind things, ran away from him in the playground etc (this was before Christmas obviously). Now, at what point do I get involved? I was bullied at school and left out of many things, it was awful so I am aware I’m projecting my own experiences into him. Is this teasing and shifting of friendship groups normal? It is hard just now as I would normally try to help reinforce friendships by having people round etc but we can’t do that just now. He seems quite happy to be honest, before Christmas he might come home one day a bit sad about something that had been said/done, but the next day he’s off to school happy as Larry and they are all mates again. Am I worrying about nothing? He once said to me he felt like the weird kid, and everyone else at school has more friends than him. I just want to protect him, keep him happy and safe 😞

OP posts:

Yumyumdindins · 12/02/2021 07:47

I feel for you OP. I was the weird/nerdy kid at school and though I’ve grown out of it now, I do fear similar for my daughter (I hope nerdiness isn’t hereditary!). Does your boy do any activities outside school to help build up his confidence/social interaction etc?

I suffered at school however I did have a lot of resilience and self-belief which helped get through it. As much as I longed to be one of the popular kids, I enjoyed doing my nerdy stuff so I didn’t really think about it too much. I also had a little group of weird/misfit friends which helped as we were all the same- can you encourage your DS to cultivate friendships with kids who are more like him so he’s not lonely/singled out?

HugeAckmansWife · 12/02/2021 07:47

My son is / was a bit like that. He talks at people and doesn't pick up on cues that they aren't interested. The 'king bee' in his class also did similar. Its heartbreaking when they are sad and say they're lonely. I would raise it yes, but not in a complaining way.. But ask if they have buddy benches or friendship circle groups, that kind of thing. At 6 the kids are young enough that you can talk quite directly about your son being left out without it 'coming back' on him as might not be the case later. Also, if its possible, have some of his friends round for 1-1 play dates (when we can) so he can build some common ground away from the playground dynamic.

Yumyumdindins · 12/02/2021 07:48

Also he will be moving to secondary school soon which might help as he will be mixing with new people, with an opportunity to make new friends. New start and all that

Mellonsprite · 12/02/2021 07:50

I do think friendships shift in y6, especially as they’ll be off to high school soon.
I think it’s normal to worry about children’s friendships for a multitude of reasons, I know I do.

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 12/02/2021 08:07

He won’t be changing schools (no plan to anyway) as his goes from yr 3 up to 6th form. To avoid confusion, he is 11 (I think a PP thought he was 6). I’ve ordered him a book about ‘social thinking’. Apparently it’s good for kids who are a bit socially awkward, it has exercises in it to help them learn to pick up on social cues a bit better. I’ve hardly slept, I’m really anxious about this. Kids can be so horrible.

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 12/02/2021 08:12

My son is exactly the same and I worry about him too. Could you link to the books you have bought please? The only consolation I can offer is that I’m a teacher and I have seen lots of similar children who find their niche at high school -often a group who like computers and gaming!

Toocold · 12/02/2021 08:15

I think you need to nip it in the bud with the girl, even gentle teasing can sometimes escalate and it isn’t fair to make him the butt of it. Things do change in year 6 with regards to friendships as some mature quicker than others but this isn’t an excuse for the girl to behave like that.

FortunesFave · 12/02/2021 08:17

You know what I think helps kids like this? Watching comedy sketches.

Find some that are child friendly...it might take a while to find the ones which appeal to him but get him into comedy if at all possible.

What TV shows does he like OP? What are his interests?

FortunesFave · 12/02/2021 08:17

@Toocold

Agree.

Cornetttttto · 12/02/2021 08:23

How much of this is your emotions muddying reality and how much of it is actual? It's hard to separate your own experiences from a child's but children are very good at 'being' what we feel.

StopTouchingYourFairyGarden · 12/02/2021 08:24

I would be doing something about the girl too. She's probably not a bad kid, just found herself in a position where her peers seem to listen to her and she's exploring that power. The teacher focusing on kindness etc in a few lessons might be enough? Looking back I was pretty horribly to my classmates at 11 and it was all part of my own development and nothing to do with the other child really. Thankfully I grew into a nice adult (I think!) but I probably could have done with being taken to task as an 11 year old.

Other than that, fostering and encouraging some close friendships is a good plan.

hellywelly3 · 12/02/2021 08:38

My son was a bit like this at primary school. A lot of the parents were very clicking and had each other’s kids round all the time, I’ve never been like that. So I don’t think that helped. When he started high school I was really worried but he found a great group of friends from different primary schools. He’s at college now he’s got different friends. He’s friends with interesting people not just superficial people. Try not to worry he will find his way x

notsosmoothie · 12/02/2021 08:47

This may not help right now, but wanted to add that when I look at the kids from my school years and what they're doing now...

The 'weird kids' are singlehandedly the most interesting adults.

I can't speak for all of them as we're not all in touch, but a bunch of us caught up a few years ago and I was struck by how they seemed to be comfortable in their own skin and able to do what feels right for them in life because they had to build the thoughtfulness and resilience to be able to carve their own paths.

When I look at the ones driven by popularity and fitting in, most of them have ticked all the boxes of life 'correctly' and many are now wondering 'what now?', or realising that they've made a lot of decisions because of social expectations rather than what they really want.

This isn't to say that only people who do unusual things enjoy their lives, by the way – there's nothing inherently wrong with 2.4 children and a 9-5! But for your son, OP – in the long run, being 'weird' is no bad thing

MagpieSong · 12/02/2021 08:54

If it’s regular and affecting his emotions negatively, I’d call the school. For us, (ds is 5yo) a friend was scratching and pinching, running away in playground every other day and excluding him from games. I didn’t realise the frequency or full issues at that point (he thought he’d be told to get on with it by school so didn’t say like at nursery) but over the past few weeks I’d noticed he felt sick before school. Anyway, him and his other friend got into trouble for shouting at this friend who was being horrid. After some probing, I found out the story and sent an email explaining why both my ds and the other friend had got cross with this friend who was bullying really, and to organise a phone call with his teacher. It was actually taken very seriously and dealt with really well. He feels supported and can now seek help from a teacher if he’s being left out by this friend or if she scratches/pinches without being given.

I think I took too long to act looking at it, partly due to a previous response to an issue at nursery (not because ds was awkward but because of an awkward situation with another parent who’s child’s friends were his group of friends and due to the situation began leaving him out). So, if I were you, I’d talk it through with his teacher. The girls behaviour should be nipped in the bud (they can look out on the playground for this) and they will struggle to correct it if they’re unaware.

HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 12/02/2021 09:03

Does his school have a significant new intake at yr 7? My impression is that a lot of through schools do, in which case the dynamics from primary can get diluted a bit. My suspicion is that it can be worse at this age when the girls are maturing well ahead of the boys (on average), so a slightly immature boy can appear well behind the average in some settings and suffer for it.

I absolutely agree that kids like this benefit when they can "find their tribe" through groups with a shared interest. That was my experience, and my son has been lucky enough to largely avoid being the weird kid because he found friends with common interests in primary - and has stayed in close touch with them by computer when they all moved on to different schools. Sadly my daughter has seemed fairly isolated in secondary and I'm crossing my fingers she "finds her tribe" at university.

I think there's some good suggestions on this thread, but the biggest thing you can do is support him at home to be himself and grow into his own person. I probably agree it's worth discussing the current class dynamics with his teacher with a view to some low key intervention; if you have a chat now there is hopefully time for ideas to formulate for when they get back.

BlackeyedSusan · 12/02/2021 09:10

There are some markers for autism in your first post. Does he have any sensory issues? Saying that you might be like me and not notice as to have sensory issues too.

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 12/02/2021 09:12

@Haggisfish sorry you are feeling the same. It's so hard isn't it. I look at him and I could cry that anyone can be mean to him. I suppose that's life though isn't it. These are the books I have ordered.. www.thinkingbooks.co.uk/buy/social-thinking-me-two-book-set_138.htm
They aren't cheap, but they do come highly recommended.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 12/02/2021 09:15

@BlackeyedSusan I have sometimes (fairly often) thought he might be on the spectrum somewhere. As well as lacking awareness/empathy he also has a terrible memory for simple things. We have checklists all over the place. Neither his original primary school, nor the school he is at now have ever mentioned any concerns though. He doesn't have any sensory issues though. What kind of things would I look for?

OP posts:

MyLittleOrangutan · 12/02/2021 09:16

I was the weird kid.. still am!
But I'm happy in myself and with the people I do have around me, even if it's not many.
I think what's important is teaching him to appreciate himself, to be proud of who he is, not trying to teach him to fit in. The desire to fit in just ruins peoples self esteem. He'll have few friends but great friends, and he'll need a thick skin. People dont like people who are different. But they're really the best people.

Haggisfish · 12/02/2021 09:17

My ds has a diagnosis of being on the autistic spectrum and it’s his social skills where it really affects him.

borntohula · 12/02/2021 09:18

Bless him, he might be 'the weird kid' in primary school but as he gets older, being seen as weird isn't necessarily a negative thing. I know this isn't particularly helpful but I'd rather my child was 'odd' than unpleasant to the point of turning people against someone. Just keep checking in with him, if he seems happy.

Theonlyoneiknow · 12/02/2021 09:18

@ScatteredMama82

Do you have a link to the book please OP? Thanks!

borntohula · 12/02/2021 09:21

Sadly my daughter has seemed fairly isolated in secondary and I'm crossing my fingers she "finds her tribe" at university.

My dd is the same, very few friends, especially now.

Nuitdesetoiles · 12/02/2021 09:22

No real advice but hugs for you OP as my year 6 DS is very similar. I have sleepless nights about him going into year 7 at the massive take no prisoners high school down the road. There's another school locally I think would be more suited to him but he's insistent he wants to go to the same school as his sister. There's a queen bee mean girl in his class too. I've spoken to school about it, in fact the girls in his class as a whole aren't pleasant. There's a clique amongst the mum's too and they largely ignore me!

It's a horrible feeling, I worry far more about the social side of things than the academic. But like you I was weird and awkward at school and horribly bullied. I really don't want that for DS.

YukoandHiro · 12/02/2021 09:24

Totally agree with @notsosmoothie - hold is hand through the tricky years at school and he'll be a very resilient, grounded, interesting adult.

I was an odd bod and moved primary schools a couple of times too. But I found my misfit group in secondary and they're still my best friends now. A group of four of us have a WhatsApp group and we're in touch every day pretty much. We'll be 40 soon.

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