To worry about DS being ‘the weird kid’

[ScatteredMama82]

ScatteredMama82

Sorry, this will probably ramble a bit, but I can’t sleep and I want to put it into words. My DS1 is in yr 6, he has a couple of friends in school and his ‘best’ mate is from another school (known each other since nursery). Generally he’s not great at making friends, he’s not good at talking to people and can sometime come across as a bit daft (making unfunny jokes at the wrong moments, that kind of thing). I think he’s quite immature emotionally, and he doesn’t pick up on sarcasm or little jibes/digs. There is a girl at school (the class queen bee) who has been tormenting him a bit, and I think she is beginning to turn people against him. Even his ‘good’ friends have said some unkind things, ran away from him in the playground etc (this was before Christmas obviously). Now, at what point do I get involved? I was bullied at school and left out of many things, it was awful so I am aware I’m projecting my own experiences into him. Is this teasing and shifting of friendship groups normal? It is hard just now as I would normally try to help reinforce friendships by having people round etc but we can’t do that just now. He seems quite happy to be honest, before Christmas he might come home one day a bit sad about something that had been said/done, but the next day he’s off to school happy as Larry and they are all mates again. Am I worrying about nothing? He once said to me he felt like the weird kid, and everyone else at school has more friends than him. I just want to protect him, keep him happy and safe 😞

Sorry I didn't mean you're weird and awkward that came across wrong... I'm sure you're not! For what it's worth primary school and secondary school were pretty grim but sixth form college was my revelation. On the first day there I met my "tribe" and we're still in that tribe today! We don't see each other very often but we have each others backs, we bonded due to our experiences of being the weird kids at high school and actually became the cool crew!

Don't worry about that girl @Nuitdesetoiles - once at secondary the girls start ignoring the boys their own age as they become distracted by the older ones in the school.

This is just normal ! My son didn’t have many friends going through school ! And he was socially awkward , I didn’t get involved they have to learn about all this stuff themselves u can only support him at home and reassure him that he treats people with kindness if he doesn’t get this back he has to steer clear of these individuals.
He will find his own way in life you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole .
My son is now 21 a barber with his own shop and is very popular I have taught if he doesn’t have to fit in .
I know it’s hard but let him find his way . X

@Nuitdesetoiles don't worry, I knew what you meant. For what it's worth I was a bit of a weirdo at school! Like my son, I was quite socially immature.

You have all given me some great advice and reassurance too.
MN gets a bad rap at times, but this has been really helpful (and maybe will help others who come along searching with the same worries). Like @MyLittleOrangutan said, I don't actually want to change him, he's a wonderfully bright, talented (hughely artistic), funny boy just as he is. All I want to do is teach him how to navigate this part of life a bit better.

DS1 (8) has ASD and ADHD and is completely crackers, but does get on well with his class, who are very accepting of his differences. People will be mean to those they perceive as different, and handling this is something children with differences have to learn as part of their socialisation.

I think, in future (perhaps at secondary) he'll 'find his tribe'. I have a Year 7 tutor group which is full of additional needs and quirky characters, and they are honestly so supportive of each other, it's lovely.

Very similar issues here with DS2 but things have mostly improved (now in yr 8). He has a few close friends, all similar to him. I put a bit of effort into inviting them round as did the other parents and we are quite used to having them round at each other’s, taking them to the cinema, well, not at the moment obviously. They game together online which helps. Mine has no interest in football - and we live in a very football- oriented city - and is very nerdy. Very strong at science, hopeless at knowing how to interact with others. We had discussions about how his behaviour might make others feel - he was probably coming across as dismissive of those who didn’t know the answers in class. I’m still not sure that he understands me but it’s not an issue at the moment at least. I acted swiftly when there was some bullying going on in yr 7 and again in the autumn, again by a girl. What she was doing was easily addressed by staff who had the proof - I can’t say what it was as it might be outing, but she couldn’t deny it. It did happen more than once but consequences escalated and if happens again after lockdown she will be in serious trouble. Parents were involved so hopefully it won’t recur.
I’ve accepted that he will probably not have a big group of mates like DS1 while at school. If he goes to uni he will probably fit in much better there. We’ve had tears at night about why he has no friends, but that’s usually if there’s been a bit of falling out with one of the close friends and usually the next day it’s all blown over - it’s certainly never gone on for more than a day or two. Yes, it does upset me, but less so now as he is mostly very happy with his little group of mates. Most of his teachers knew his older brother who did well at school, know us well from parents evenings and we’ve helped with DofE transportation etc and I get the impression that his excellent form teacher takes it seriously if I email in about him being harassed- not often, but he won’t say anything at the time as he doesn’t want to be seen as a snitch. He’s slightly built and the girl involved is taller and thinks she is queen bee by all accounts. I had something similar at school but I had a good line in sarcastic put downs and my harasser shut up. I also would have returned any physical confrontation with the same - as would DS1 - but that won’t work for DS2.

My Dd was like this in primary. She is now year 8 and has found a nice group of friends who are all quite similar to her. I made sure she had good relationships with family, I have 2 sisters and they made a WhatsApp group with her where they tell each other nerdy facts and made up jokes and I think it boosted her self esteem. Also, in the summer holidays before starting high school we met up with some kids who were coming from another school and didn't know anyone and I think it made her feel like she was 'helping' the other kids which was nice. And also, I made sure I was super positive about her "You are so funny" "I love that you know so much about Dr Who" etc. She loves being a 'wierdo' but I also don't feel a massive need to fit in either, so I hope I model that to her too.

Hi OP,
When I first read your post I was sad for your ds, but thought that the change to secondary might work well for him.

If there is no change, do you mean that he will basically be with the same kids form now until sixth form?

Is there a significant new intake in year 7?

To be honest, this would worry me.
I would definitel be asking the teacher to nip this in the bud.

My dd struggles with friendships, we think she is on the spectrum. Last 2 year as primary were very hard, but her year 6 teacher was very on the ball and wouldn't allow any of this nasty behaviour, and worked with the whole class a lot to work on kindness and respect. It helped hugely.
She was so glad to get out and start again at secondary. (Which hasn't been all smooth sailing either!)

@steppemum there is quite a large intake in yr 7, meaning that they go from 1 class to 2 classes per year group. I'm going to request that he not be in the same class as that girl!

One of my nephews was this child, it was worrying and upsetting to see him struggle, childhood was a trial to him from the start, he was socially awkward, grew like a weed, all gangly long arms and legs and then traintracks were added, he only had a few friends etc - he is incredibly clever, is growing into his body (now 6ft 3), has interests (all be it pretty 'nerdy' ones) but is happy in his own self, is an absolute pleasure to be with, mixes with a level of ease and maturity with adults (mostly because he realises he is far more clever than we are ) than he ever did with his peers. He has a budding romance and is looking to become a surgeon.

I guess what I'm saying is try not to worry too much, encourage any interest your dc may have, help nurture any friendships he has (invites for tea/sleepovers etc) and just love him for his quirkyness. So long as he is comfortable and feels loved in his own home he will come through it.

Sensory issues would be:
Seeking out sensations or avoiding sensations of five senses plus vestibular ( balance) and proprioception ( knowing where your body is in space)

Could show as:
Bathwater temperature being luke warm
Leaning a lot on other people
Not liking bright lights ( may show as behaviour)
Seeking out strong tasting food or not liking certain textures
Liking spinning things eg liking to watch the washing machine or flashing lights (me)
Liking tight clothes, or soft clothes or hating labels or seams. ( With mine I didn't spot that so much as to me it seemed normal... But apparently not)
Chewing on stuff
Calmed by being under a heavy duvet
Startled by loud noises. ( Different to others)

I just noticed in your list you mentioned things the school wrote on dd's assessment form whilst also claiming it was solely a parenting issue. It was these things that the assessor pointed out as should have raised concerns to the school.

Schools might not notice anything wrong, they are not experts, a lot of signs are subtle.

DD seemed neurotypical until about aged 9. Yes quirky, yes signs but not enough to trigger visiting the GP, compared to her less subtle sibling.

Some early signs I only remembered as I was filling in siblings assessment...eg not waving, not being asked to be picked up etc. When a baby.

It might be worth looking at yourself too. Looking at dd's assessment stuff raised yes but that's normal in me ...ahhhh heck.

Guess who is also going through diagnosis assessments! even if not it it is worth looking at to be able to get a clear picture of your kid. Eg I didn't recognise some of their sensory difficulties as they are normal for me but not normal for other people.

The three updated areas of difficulty are:
Sensory
Routine
Social communication.

Waiting lists are long so if you have worries, look into it to see if you want to ask GP for a referral before the gap widens between peers.

A diagnosis doesn't change him, or you, or me, but does give legal protection and he will benefit from extra support in future.

Of course, there might not be a diagnosable condition. Only you know him well enough to see. Sometimes it does not become apparent until they are older, or difficulties will resolve as they learn new skills and catch up.

You can't tell from a couple of posts on the internet! Just that some things sounded so similar to DD.

On the plus side: DD found her tribe at secondary and was mothered at primary. (Your Ds sounds similar)
Ds has mates at school.
Both autistic.

@BlackeyedSusan I instantly noticed signs of autism is the OP's first post. I have two children with ASD and everything matches up. My son is very disorganised and needs visual reminders but we later found out this was due to ADHD (although without the hyperactivity bit which is why it wasn't picked up for so long).

I echo what others have said. He'll find his tribe. My two gravitate towards others with ASD as they 'get' each other. I wouldn't change their quirks for the world. "Weird and Proud" is our family motto!

My ds was like this. He had a hard time at primary school was just different/ the weird kid. Hes 15 now. When he started secondary school it actually got worse, I think he thought he would fit in meet new people and things would be different but it wasn't. He seems OK now, he sort of hangs around in a group at school, a teacher spied on him for me and said he's not on his own and sort of hangs back. He doesn't have friends outside school and I was so worried for him but lately I'm not, he'll find his own way. I spent years sending him to different groups, trying g to involve him in things. He's much happier now I've taken a step back. But I did go to the school on a few occasions and they were great, they keep an eye on him and put a stop to any bullying. Its really difficult but try not to put pressure on him to be a certain way. Maybe he's happy being a bit different? But go to the school and stop any potential bullying

[quote ScatteredMama82]@steppemum there is quite a large intake in yr 7, meaning that they go from 1 class to 2 classes per year group. I'm going to request that he not be in the same class as that girl![/quote]
This is still pretty small in comparison to most secondary schools- and I'm guessing the classes are quite small too?

I think nerdy kids, or those with less mainstream interests can benefit from being in a larger school where they're more likely to find peers they have things in common with. I think having a secure friendship group often helps kids be resilient.

I was never one of the "popular" kids at school but I had my own solid friendship group with shared taste in music, clothes etc and so any nastiness from others was a lot easier to brush off. I also had a solid friendship group outside of school through a hobby.

Your son sounds great, and you may find after lockdown friendship dynamics have changed again anyway, but if things are still this way in the summer term, I would be thinking hard about whether a larger school might be better for secondary.

I'd suggest some outside of school activities so he can effectively shop around for some friends. And if this girl is being mean, talk to the school so that they can talk to her parent.

Most important - try to gently make sure he knows he's not failing or disappointing anyone if he is lonely or doesn't have loads of friends. It takes some people time to find their people. Maybe worth watching a couple of films about kids who don't fit in and find their 'tribe' later i life (without mentioning it or being heavy handed about it, obv).

Dd was like this at primary school. She was near the bottom of the class hierarchy. Some of the cool kids were horrible to her. She then moved to secondary (comp) and I was worried sick, but I needn't have been. It was a big improvement and she's been happy there. (Sixth form now.) With a much bigger pool of kids she was able to find a similar bunch of kids. They're lovely and have never had friendship dramas that other kids might have had. The cool/mean kids never bothered them as at secondary they were too busy having dramas with the cool kids from other schools. Very different from when they were stuck with the same 30 kids at primary.
I know this isn't that helpful as your school set up is very different, but I hope things improve for your son.

My kid was the weird kid. New they are a successful academic and the queen bee in minimum wage jobs with a criminal boyfriend.

My last school was an "all through" but went from two-form entry to three form at Yr7. This gave a chance for a "rejig" at KS2, and some of our eccentrics "found their tribe" when the circle widened at Yr 7. We very occasionally did a bit of discreet shuffling in Yrs 5 & 6, but one-form entry rules this out, I appreciate. This sounds as if I'm being unsympathetic - "just hang on until Yr7" , but it's a small thing to keep in the back of your mind as a cheering thought. In the meantime, PP's have made some good, constructive suggestions. A one-form entry can be a bit claustrophobic, and give teachers a bit less room for manoeuvre, but when restrictions lift, is there any chance of something outside school which focuses on his strengths, like a sport or hobby, as suggested by PP's.
I realised recently, when I received an alumni magazine, that I am barely in touch with anyone from school. They were pleasant girls, but all we really had in common was that our parents had chosen our school for us. We got along quite happily, but the firm friends I still see today bonded with me over shared interests outside school, and to some extent I had more choice about whether I related to them or not.

I agree that a bigger school can be better as there are far more kids to befriend and, often, better support in terms of things like nurture groups, 1-1 support and just meeting other similarly quirky people.

Is he still at school during Covid? If he’s not I wouldn’t worry about it just now.

This stuff is fairly common, more with boys than girls at that age I believe (my DS is a toddler so I’ve no first hand experience) but it’s important bullying is nipped in the bud.

Email the class teacher and ask for a call to discuss it. Ask if they’ve noticed him being left out.

It would break my heart too and I’d be very worried. My DH was geeky and a bit of a loner at school (while being very bright) and I often lost friends, so I am worried about DS when he gets to school too.

Can you sign your DS up to after school clubs like music or Beavers/Cubs when life goes back to normal? Would give him more options.

I wouldn’t just Ieave it though; talk to the teacher.

If it’s any consolation my DH flourished at uni and made loads of great friends- he really found his tribe, as did I. I know it’s a long way off, but don’t despair if he’s not hugely popular at school. Just keep an eye out for bullying.

@Theonlyoneiknow
these are the books I have ordered.. www.thinkingbooks.co.uk/buy/social-thinking-me-two-book-set_138.htm
They aren't cheap, but they do come highly recommended.

I would definitely raise it with the school, re the bullying / teasing and general unkindness.

My Dd is a bit similar and I’ve also had worries over the years. She’s such a nice girl, but can come across as “different” and other kids pick up on that.

I think the most important thing you can do is make it really clear that you love him the way he is, and value him, and that you never blame him or consider him “lacking” for having these problems.

Literally all of these responses are just suggesting pandering to bullies and unpleasant behaviour of others which is depressing

@demelza82 no they don’t. Lots of people have suggested asking school to tackle the bullying. I have done about a particular student who was being mean about my son.

A really reassuring thing I have learned as I get older is the degree to which social skills are, well, skills and can be actively learned.

Op - and others - I would really recommend working with your children on these, via social stories for autistic kids, books etc, as much as you can. Even if they are not autistic, socially delayed people can really be helped by this. A lot of it is practice and watching those people who are effortlessly popular and socially confident and learning for their example, too.