Help I don't honestly know if I'm being unreasonable

[lolypoly]

So in December I have a once in a lifetime achievement to celebrate. Think graduation but for a professional qualification. It's taken me 7 years to achieve and it's been bloody tough.

My AIBU is that me, DH and my mum and dad will be travelling about 2 hours to get there. We will be staying overnight, the night of the celebration. The next day however, my mum wants to celebrate a significant birthday of hers, except the birthday is actually 3 months before (in September). AIBU to feel annoyed about this? She has a history of making things all about her and having to get her own way. So I'm worrying that she is using this as an excuse to dictate to me where we stay/what we do etc. Equally, she intends to celebrate the day after, so not exactly on my day but I just feel like it takes the shine somehow. I can't decide if I am getting on like a spoilt brat or whether I'm justified in feeling miffed.

I haven't said anything at all yet, but I feel irrationally annoyed. When I was a child, I never ever got to do what I wanted, ever. For various reasons beyond my mums control. But I just felt like for once this was going to be about me. But I know how childlike that sounds.

I also have a significant birthday, which is in lockdown so won't be doing much. It doesn't bother me and I wouldn't dream of celebrating it in a few months as it's over and done with.

I don't know whether to just bite my lip and say nothing or what to do say or do.

I can see that it might make sense to celebrate both at the same time from a financial point of view, and, at the moment, the less travel/meet ups the better... I also totally understand your point of view, particularly if there is history of your DM taking control of things.

If you don't want a shared celebration, why don't you frame it as you want to do something special for her on her birthday rather than you don't want her to muscle in on your special day? I wouldn't ask, I would just tell her that you want to do something just for her 3 months before, and dismiss her plan as being a "second best" option, and she deserves more than that...

I think your mother is being a self-absorbed, cheeky cow. Her birthday is months before, and she wants to celebrate then? Uh, nope. Sorry, but I think this is very deliberate of her. She wants to steal your thunder. As a mother who would be so proud to celebrate my child's achievement, I think this is simply horrible of her.

You have her day, she has hers - you're all together anyway. What's the problem?

Why then? Does she think you won't be able to get together in September?

Are other people involved in her celebration? So does it become a bigger event than yours?

Do you drink? Are you late night or early to bed people? I'm wondering if, rather than enjoying a relaxed celebratory dinner, she or others will want to go to bed early, to be fresh for the next day?

Congrats on your achievement!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable here but I kind of see her side too. I’m assuming you’re in the UK as my thinking would be with COVID that this might be the only opportunity you all get to be together and celebrate anything, so it kind of makes sense to tack it on.

Having said that, I would feel a bit put out that she asked to celebrate her birthday when this occasion started as being for you and would equally be concerned about her taking over.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to be centre of attention, so would probably have suggested we have a family celebration for the occasions we’ve missed anyway. But then, I don’t have a mother with prior form for making everything about her.

In summary, I don’t see the problem with having an additional celebration for her, but it should your decision and your boundaries made clear with regards to hotel/activities etc.

We will celebrate her birthday on her actual birthday. We will get together, have dinner, cake etc (all covid permitting). But it is a significant birthday so I do understand wanting to do something more than that. I don't want to be selfish, but just feel a bit upset.

Oh well, that's just gratuitous thunder-stealing then.

Tell you may be a bit hungover and were looking forward to a quiet, lazy morning at your hotel, a walk and a low-key lunch, no pressure. (Or whatever excuse works for you).

You're allowed one weekend.

Yanbu.

Her birthday is months before, your mum is batshit.

I would make arrangements to stay where you want, travel separately, and tell your mum “DH and I have plans for the next day/will be going straight home the next day, but by all means you should of course stay on to celebrate your birthday that was 3 months ago”.

@Stringofpearlz this is what I would like to say, but I know she will see me as being selfish and an argument would break out, which I really don't want.

@SingingLoud

Her birthday is months before, your mum is batshit.

I would make arrangements to stay where you want, travel separately, and tell your mum “DH and I have plans for the next day/will be going straight home the next day, but by all means you should of course stay on to celebrate your birthday that was 3 months ago”.

This!

‘That doesn't work for me. Maybe you shouldn't come.’ She is being selfish.

@lolypoly

We will celebrate her birthday on her actual birthday. We will get together, have dinner, cake etc (all covid permitting). But it is a significant birthday so I do understand wanting to do something more than that. I don't want to be selfish, but just feel a bit upset.

Assuming she already knows this is the plan, why on earth does she think even the most significant birthday needs to be celebrated again three months later?

[quote lolypoly]@Stringofpearlz this is what I would like to say, but I know she will see me as being selfish and an argument would break out, which I really don't want. [/quote]
Seriously, dont let her go. Celebrate with your dh.

Unless there’s a reason you can’t celebrate in Sept then it’s fair enough you are annoyed.

Can you organise it so you can do her thing on sept? Then you can just say you want to do that becos you want to Get horrendously drunk on your night and not have to get up to lunch. The latter is what I’d say regardless

2 hours is nothing really.

I would shut it down, politely but firmly.

Find something you want to do for the day after the graduation. Then find an alternative plan for her actual birthday in September and the thing she wants to do.

Then just tell her you've been thinking and it seems silly to celebrate her birthday 3 months late, plus there's xyz that you really want to do with dh the day after the graduation. However, why don't we visit x place on the Saturday after your birthday to celebrate instead.

What possible reason could she have not to?

She's being ridiculous. It's as if she's unable to cope with you being centre of attention. It might be better to go just you and DH and do something separate for her birthday - but in September when it's actually her birthday 🙄

@QueenOfLabradors she does know this. I have already told her this and said that hopefully her birthday won't be in any sort of lockdown and it will be lovely to celebrate together.

It's not so much that she's choosing to celebrate her birthday then, more I'm worried it's going to be an excuse to say, I want to do this because we are also celebrating my birthday.....' and I sort of just wanted to eat/stay/do what I wanted

Am just catching up...

Let her be miffed. It’s your thing (and you will want to get drunk). Good to establish boundaries with her.

this is what I would like to say, but I know she will see me as being selfish and an argument would break out, which I really don't want.

You need to make boundaries, and it takes two to argue, and there is nothing to argue about. Tell her what you want and end the conversation. If she has a tantrum, she can do that on her own with no involvement from you.

I agree with pp and suggest a firm and calm statement that you love her and it’s wonderful she wants to share her big day with yours, but they are two different events. You really don’t want to blur the boundaries between things and have any resentment on either side as a result. Mum’s big day - all about mum. Your big day - all about you. Framed as a desire to focus just on her for HER day (ie one that’s not yours) is hopefully going to be hard for her to argue with.

Sorry Mum, we have already made plans for the next day but we are happy to celebrate your birthday with you, when it is your actual birthday.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Especially as she has form for stealing the show. This is your hard-earned day.

The fact that you’ll all be marking her birthday at the time, to then demand a second celebration three months later at your event shows how batshit she is.

What would happen if you were completely honest with her?

If you want to say what stringofpearls suggested, then say it. Does your DH have your back on this? Can just the two of you go if she kicks off? Does your dad have any input, or does he want a quiet life?