Help I don't honestly know if I'm being unreasonable

[lolypoly]

So in December I have a once in a lifetime achievement to celebrate. Think graduation but for a professional qualification. It's taken me 7 years to achieve and it's been bloody tough.

My AIBU is that me, DH and my mum and dad will be travelling about 2 hours to get there. We will be staying overnight, the night of the celebration. The next day however, my mum wants to celebrate a significant birthday of hers, except the birthday is actually 3 months before (in September). AIBU to feel annoyed about this? She has a history of making things all about her and having to get her own way. So I'm worrying that she is using this as an excuse to dictate to me where we stay/what we do etc. Equally, she intends to celebrate the day after, so not exactly on my day but I just feel like it takes the shine somehow. I can't decide if I am getting on like a spoilt brat or whether I'm justified in feeling miffed.

I haven't said anything at all yet, but I feel irrationally annoyed. When I was a child, I never ever got to do what I wanted, ever. For various reasons beyond my mums control. But I just felt like for once this was going to be about me. But I know how childlike that sounds.

I also have a significant birthday, which is in lockdown so won't be doing much. It doesn't bother me and I wouldn't dream of celebrating it in a few months as it's over and done with.

I don't know whether to just bite my lip and say nothing or what to do say or do.

I’m in the minority here but I wouldn’t mind. It’s the day after, it’ll be nice to make the whole weekend a celebration of you and her. Especially if it’s something like going to a posh restaurant in a big city as a treat for te significant birthday. You get the day of celebration to have your time and as you’re all together might as well celebrate the next day too.

She’s raining on your parade, sorry.

[quote lolypoly]@QueenOfLabradors she does know this. I have already told her this and said that hopefully her birthday won't be in any sort of lockdown and it will be lovely to celebrate together.

It's not so much that she's choosing to celebrate her birthday then, more I'm worried it's going to be an excuse to say, I want to do this because we are also celebrating my birthday.....' and I sort of just wanted to eat/stay/do what I wanted [/quote]
Then you're going to have to grow a spine and stand up to her. I'd tell her right now you're travelling separately and you and your DH have made your own plans for the next day.

Sounds like you have a choice of either risking upsetting her by changing your plans or making it clear that this will be YOUR celebration (and hers can come at a different time) or biting your tongue and feeling deflated if/when she takes over. There's no perfect answer.

You could go ahead as planned but be ready, if she starts making it all about her, to speak up and stand up for yourself. Have some responses prepared and practiced so that they come more easily. She'll probably be stunned and possibly angry, though. You'll have to decide if it's worth the fallout.

It wouldn't bother me if my mum did this, but she doesn't have "form" for this kind of thing that you say your mum does. That makes all the difference I think and YANBU.

I think she’s being a bit self-indulgent. I find it slightly odd when adults expect people to make a huge fuss out of their birthdays.

My MIL turned 60 a few years ago, we had a party for her but every other event that same year had to also be turned into another occasion to celebrate her 60th, including on my DMs actual birthday several months later

So you have a choice, tell her this is your celebration and you will celebrate her birthday on the day. Put up with the fallout.
If you don’t want the fallout let your dm dictate again what she wants to happen.
There is no mid way as your dm is used to running the show. The question is are you willing to make a statement

@pickingdaisies my dad Will just go along with whatever she wants, as otherwise she will be difficult to live with- sulk, be moody etc.

I could understand if it were close in time, but it just feels like an excuse. My dad is also planning on taking her away on a mini break for her birthday too- in September. So plenty of celebrations for her birthday.

I will have a think on it, I just wish I was more confident.

So, she wants 2 birthday celebrations, 1 the day after your big achievement?

That's weird. Why does she need 2? Will you be in a particularly special location in December?

I could understand if it were close in time, but it just feels like an excuse. My dad is also planning on taking her away on a mini break for her birthday too- in September. So plenty of celebrations for her birthday.

Good grief, what an attention hog. Is there any way you can back out of this entire thing and only you and your husband go? I think no matter what you say she will spoil the weekend for you.

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread on here? Sounds like she's a prime candidate for coming out with, "but we took you to stately homes when you were little!"

Can you grab control of plans now? Make all the arrangements you want up front now. Tell her she’ll love what you’ve planned and it’s going to be a brilliant surprise (and basically just not let her plan things?)

Sounds like my mum! No advice, but commiserations

[quote lolypoly]@Stringofpearlz this is what I would like to say, but I know she will see me as being selfish and an argument would break out, which I really don't want. [/quote]
So she’s used to kicking up a fuss, meaning people no longer bother, so she just gets her own way unchallenged?

YANBU to want your own celebration after all your hard work. Just keep repeating incredulously “but your birthday is in September mum, this is my celebration”.

I think it makes perfect sense to do that, your mother will have her celebration and then the next day you will have yours. Personally I like the opportunity to share the celebrations with somebody in my family.

How did it come up?

You invited your mum & dad to celebrate your achievement and then your mum said “Oh great, and we can celebrate my birthday the next day?” Or is there a specific thing she wants to do at the destination (and is there a specific reason you don’t want to)?

Because at the moment it seems you’re worrying she’ll dictate where to stay/eat etc but nothing has been said about how she wants to celebrate - which is a bit weird in itself.

I’d certainly have the huff over and done with early if I thought it would cause an issue - better to say at the planning stage “Gosh, Mum, it’s not feeling like a weekend to celebrate my achievement any more, shall we plan something different for your birthday?” and let her strop sooner than leave it til she’s got her heart set on things you definitely would resent.

Can your DH step in to take the heat and say that actually he’d planned a romantic weekend and he doesn’t want to be rude but they might cramp his style?

[quote lolypoly]@pickingdaisies my dad Will just go along with whatever she wants, as otherwise she will be difficult to live with- sulk, be moody etc.

I could understand if it were close in time, but it just feels like an excuse. My dad is also planning on taking her away on a mini break for her birthday too- in September. So plenty of celebrations for her birthday.

I will have a think on it, I just wish I was more confident. [/quote]
You've got all of us on your side to help boost your confidence! Whenever she tries to hijack your celebration, keep sticking with the 'Thanks mum but we've already made plans for that day' mantra. Don't get drawn into apologising for daring to make plans that aren't built around her. Distract her attention with asking about what she's going to do on the mini break in September. Then smile and nod...

Dont invite mum, problem solved! When she asks why say numbers are limited, you didnt get enough tickets or whatever and then have another dinner out to celebrate with parents.

I know how you feel. My one is the same. If you find £10 she found £50. My dad too just goes along with things as it’s easier to the detriment of his happiness and plans. I gave up when she tried to talk the bridal dress people into letting her try on dresses when we went shopping for mine.

Make it all about you. You’ve worked hard and deserve to have all the celebrations and plans about you and this achievement. Congratulations when it comes!

Don't let her do it!!!! If she was a decent human being she wouldn't want to push herself to the front of the attention queue. She is basically saying that you are allowed your event but then everything has to be about her.

I have a horrible, selfish Mother and I have let her do similar (the last time being at my youngest's christening which she turned into a party for her birthday). I really regret it, but I didn't understand just how fucking awful and abusive she was then.

I had a feeling it would be like that OP. Well, she's not going to change without a big shove in the right direction, and it might be ugly. You absolutely deserve to have a time to celebrate for yourself, but you have to gird yourself up for it, and you need real life support. You've got ours of course!

I'm in the minority here.
I don't understand why your mum having an 'event' the day after yours, while you are all together, takes away at all from your event. What would you do otherwise, all just go home the next day?

You are absolutely right to be put out OP even without the fact she has form for this.

It's your celebration - there's nothing wrong with it being all about you. You need to be firm, yes she will probably strop so be prepared but you can do it.

Fwiw I stood up to my mum after a crazy argument and she was bonkers in her desire to get her own way. I had HUGE amounts of help on this AIBU board in dealing with it and standing up to her. Our relationship is so much better now and runners like that don't happen any more

Can you celebrate with friends rather than family?

Driving two hours, 3 months apart is not an excuse to hijack your event. 2 hours is absolutely not a significant journey. Could you contact the others that are due to come and check that they will be happy to travel again in September and then you can tell mum that everyone has said they'd be happy to do that and give you each your 'special' time. It's not selfish or petty to want one weekend where the focus stays on your long worked for achivement.